This Week in Milford

August 1, 2018

Pokey’s Got A Great Short Game. And You Oughta See Prickle Putt

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:02 pm




Man o Man, Thorpiverse. Did you walk into this one. ANYTHING YOU WANT TO WORK ON? Where’d my laundry list go?

And is Gil going to be working with these PGA wannabes? Oh, THAT will be interesting. Is he going to be instructing his daughter at the same time?

“Keri, after you use that wood to drive down the fairway, would you make Daddy happy and go get that ball Wilson shanked in the woods? I’ll give you a Klondike bar at the clubhouse for every ball you find. I think it’s behind the lilac bush. Watch the hornets, honey. I think there’s a nest nearby in that catalpa tree.”

Who is Milford’s version of The Green Hornet and Kato? No wonder why the show didn’t last very long. And we only have one month, gang. If we’re microwaving this one, the brunt of this one should be around August 15ish. That’s about the only chance Heather has a chance to rise up a la Barnabas Collins and make the key adjustment that’ll wrap things up by August 31, assuming the football season starts on schedule in September. Assuming. But Flex-a-Plot has been implemented before.


Easy, Heather. We can always push football to Monday nights with Frank, Howard, and Dandy Don.


And gang, many golf course clubhouses have only one floor. I’ve yet to run into too many skyscrapers around the greens. Did you ever see a golf course designed next to the Empire State Building or World Trade Center? Rest my case. So when Joe Jawor(JAW-er? JAH-wer? Juh-WAR? Short for a Punjabi surname, Eljarpradeshikhaghajaworbhupaltusharonamalil? Check the Milford White Pages on the last one) is talking with our August-replenishers about their golf game, I’m going to bet Gil’s coif they’re on the 1st floor. If they’re on the 2nd floor, no way puddles could be that humongous. Or maybe the window is one big magnifying glass. Yeah, that explains it.

And the angle is soooooooo ridiculous. Awright, Thorpiverse, I’ll buy the fact that Anderson Windows has a new line of enlargement windows, some being tested at the Milford Geodesic Dome designed by none other than R. Buckminster Fuller. But geez, am I to believe that the Milford Sewer Department elevated the sidewwalk for their monthly rat purging?


If ya install an Anderson Enlargement Creation in yore Chevy 4-wheeler because it gives ya an edge on yore buddies cuz it works better ‘n’ a scope on yore rifle when youse trackin’ down that 8-point buck in the woods, ya might be a redneck.


Then there’s the Gumby pants that Joe Gandhi is wearing in P3. Yup, Gumby has his own collection of Haggar slacks and if you watched closely, you could see his belt buckle and stitching, not to mention the plumber’s butt when he was talking or arguing or conferring or plotting with Pokey or lining up a putt. Gang, I don’t know about you but I am smelling FILLER big time.

“Hey, Gumby. Your fly is open.”

“Oh my! Thanks, Goo.”










And Thorpiverse wants you to THINK those are puddles. But how do we know a couple of Mudlarks didn’t get gunned down in a drive-by shooting? Some people take their sports a little too seriously and a couple of names that got well-worn in the Milford Sports scene got phased out. Maybe that’s why we haven’t heard from Pete DeWindt or Hiawatha James in a while. I can hear that Tupac song now


How many Mudlarks fell victim to the streets

Helpless in this plot that crashed in all the heat

I’d be lyin’ if I told you that there’s any hope this month

Gang, we just play the hunch


And SINCE WHEN has Gil been in charge of the Junior Golf Program at the Milford Country Club? Who died and made him Jordan Spieth? The only Rorscharch association we have EVER made of Gil with golf is either his own game or the practice with his children. And, Joe and Gil, I hate to break it to you but unless Tony has been going to school on the Spaceship Enterprise learning Vulcan, HOW CAN HE BE WORKING ON HIS GRADES IF IT’S AUGUST 1ST AND SCHOOL IS STILL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But keep practicing with your kids, Gil. We’ll look the other way on this one. Sure, Junior Golf Director. Has a nice ring to it. Good resume builder in case I decide to call back Powell College about that coaching job.

“You still need work on the umlauts before I can pass you and get you off the ship in time for that Tournament.”


“And Tony Paul sinks one for an eagle!!!!!!!!!! Those extra practices with Heather are paying off!!!!!!!! And we’ll take a break at this point. Tony is 1-under after 13 and still in the lead. And this is Marty Moon. You’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”


“Oh, Rick, you sexy thing, let’s get it on!!!!!!!!!!” as Rick Scott’s wife reveals her bra and underwear. The song “I Believe in Miracles” by Hot Chocolate is blaring from the bedstead. Rick is caught off guard, reading the August issue of the Milford Medical Journal.

“Uh, Honey, this article is fascinating. It talks about the sciatic nerve being the link between Homo Erectus and the Neanderthal Man.”

I’d like somebody else to be Homo Erectus and it’s DEFINITELY not the Neanderthal Man.”

(Rick, buying time, looks at watch) “Oh my goodness. One of the baseball players called and said this plot needs a makeover. Plus, he needed his knee rebandaged from ACL surgery. I better go over to the Athletic Annex.”

“Rick, I really don’t know how to break this to you but it’s 1:00AM”

(Looks at watch) “I knew I should have never bought these Rolexes at the K-Mart Buy One Get One Free Clearance Special.”

“Rick, Rick, Rick, put away the magazine and let’s make a little magic.”

“Oh, darn, I need to go the Emergency Clinic. One of the football players hyperventilated and collapsed in Gil’s office. It was touch and go for a while.”

“Rick, does your wee-wee need to be taped up?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!! Don’t go near my medical bag!!!!!!!! I’m as hard as the coconuts on Gilligan’s Island!!!!!! I can jump on you just as soon as look at you!!!!!!!”

“Then jump.”


“And that was the problem. It was like jumping in the Milford Municipal Pool with the diving board missing. And the diving board was more pliable than me. But at Milford Men’s Clinic, they have treatment programs that make me an Olympic Champion. What are you waiting for? GO FOR THE GOLD!!!!!!!!!! And jump right in!!!!!!!!!”


Oops! Gang, I forgot to mention a plug I would like to make for Donut Frenzy in Georgetown, Indiana(a few minutes up the hill from New Albany, Indiana). They are just starting out and they made an excellent impression with me. Long Johns, cream-filled pastries, glazed donuts, and several other varieties made it hard to choose the ones I wanted to chow down on(a pleasant problem INDEED). I wasn’t disappointed, munchin’ on several going home, then cleaning out the box at home. Gang, if you’re in the area, check ’em out. Support small businesses in America. They’re what MAKE America.


Fire away, gang. I’m still perplexed how anyone could have a tutor on the fairway. I’ve heard of student-athlete but that’s stretching things a bit too far.


Barry, Krogering at the Milford Kroger Filling Station

“Whattya mean cash or credit card only? I can’t use my WIC card????? I’m penniless since my dad went to the can.”



  1. Two more Tank Town turds with no sense of humor. They must watch a lot of Kevin Hart movies.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 1, 2018 @ 6:08 pm

  2. Jive Turkey, that just about sums up the plot before it even STARTS. I am laughing my ass off even as I’m typing this. You da Man, My Man. Thank you for your comment. People like you make democracy work.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 2, 2018 @ 2:17 pm

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