This Week in Milford

August 15, 2018

“…Who Are Paired Up With The Man From Glad.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:56 pm

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I heard his game is a 3-handicap, perfect for guys who have similar scores, factoring in the Dishonesty Property of Equality, something that appears in every story involving Black and White characters. In fact, next to Never Never Land, just keep an open mind and then suddenly you’ll find…BLACK AND WHITE LAND!!!!!!! Not sure if you’ll find treasure if you stay there. Plenty of discarded dubious golf scores. And Gil is not a wizard nor a true star. But you already knew that. BTW,  Gray area characters apply next door to Smidgens.

And this storyline is careening in that direction.

“Man From Glad, these Titleist golf balls are getting stale. I can barely get it 2 feet off the tee.”

“No problem. I have a 16 ounce, zip-lock, mauve Glad Bag in my golf bag, right under my pack of Bel-Airs. Here you are.”

“Gee, thanks, Man From Glad. You’re a swell guy.”

“Thanks, Beaver. Anything to help your scores.”

“Funny you should say that. Our scores really suck. Do you have a disposable container for our 67 and 69 we scored on the Front 9?”

“Not a problem. I have the huge black 18 gallon OdorShield bag w/blue drawstrings and pink polka dots we can put them in. When the Milford Sanitation Company truck drives by #11 to pick up the weeds and $10 Pepsi cans, I’ll just hand it to the flunky jumpin’ off the side of the truck. No mess, no fuss.”

“THANKS, Man From Glad. How can we EVER repay you?”

“Just don’t tell anybody that I’m a refugee from Sao Tome and Principe. How do you think I fooled ’em with my 3-handicap?”

 

Gang, this plot is SOOOOOOOOOO stupid(HOW   STUPID   IS   IT????????), Gil went to _____________, instead of the Milford Lounge to escape the inanity.

Okay, gang, you watched Match Game. It’s your turn to fill in the ______________.

After 60 years, can they add some color to it? It’s like watching Dick Dastardly and Muttley stuff the scores in their Fruit of the Looms and swear to Wilson and Tony they were shooting birdies with a Swiffer mop the entire Back 9. Suuuurrrrrrreeeee, Muttley, I know you beat Penelope Pitstop  at the Milford Putt-Putt last week when you beat her on a nice save for par at the #6 alligator pit. You just swung it right before the ‘gator clamped his jaws shut. Such dexterity. And that was a nice shot you hit that caromed off the bird’s nest in the tulip tree, ricocheted off a canadian geese’s butt banged off the piston of a golf cart whose hood was open clunked Ben Hogan in the shoulder while he was reading a Sears catalog then finally dropped in the cup for birdie. I’ll even ignore that wheezy laugh which usually denoted chicanery because we’re gentlemen and this is a Gentlemen’s Game. You just need to take Contac Night-Time Flu medicine. No problem.

 

As long as we’re going to get stupid as stupid does, I feel a song in my heart. For all you Classic Rock fans like moi,

Enjoy

 

This is a story ’bout Sappy Jerk and Aardvark II

Who laid in the club house with nothing better to do

They fudged the scores as if they shot with Arnold Palmer

Here’s what happened when their game was cheaper than Wal-Mart

They headed straight over to the grounds at Pine Crest

Their ethics were similar to a coyote in the Wild West

Wilson and Tony were ready for these losers

Proving after all that beggars can’t be choosers

Sayin’

Go on, take your bogey and run

Go on, take your bogey and run

Scoot, Scoot, Scoot

Go on take your bogey and run

OH SHIT I LIPPED THE CUP

Go on, take your bogey and run

 

Billy Mack is a certified pro in Texas

You know he knows exactly what the facts is

He ain’t gonna let those two escape fair play

He makes his livin’ forcin’ ’em to play the right way

Sappy Jerk, whoa, whoa, he slipped into the clay

Aardvark II met him at McD’s the very next day

They kept their golf bags, anyway, and they just ran away

They headed to Guam and they’re still cheating today

Singin’

Go on, take your bogey and run

Go on, take your bogey and run

HOOF HOOF HOOF

Go on, take your bogey and run

Go on, take your bogey and run

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

Singin’

Go on, take your bogey and boogie…

 

“We’re here at Milford City Mall where we’re conducting a taste test between Mudlar-K-Cola and Pepsi.”

Coach Shaw, after walking out of Milford Ammo Emporium, samples both. He spits out the second, getting spray all over his wife’s shopping bag.

“MAN, who brewed this bucket of piss?”

The incognito can is revealed.

“PEPSI?????? Brother, we’re just about to go grocery shopping next and we’re buyin’ 2 24-packs of Mudlar-K-Cola. I knew Pepsi had changed over the last few years.”

Next, Generic Fan, seen especially at blowouts of Milford Basketball games, in favor of Milford and not in favor of Milford samples the merchandise. After sampling second choice, the face caves in and reappears as Generic Milford High School Cafeteria Lady

“Jesus, we serve THIS to the students!!! After we microwave it then serve it with pepperoni pizza  that’s been under the lamp for 2 days!!!”

When informed that it’s Pepsi, he/she says

“I need to call Milford Vending and tell the trucks to stop delivering Pepsi and bring in 10 canisters of Mudlar-K-Cola.”

Next, Daffy Duck, after walking out of Milford Beauty School, fresh from completing her recertification on Chunky Bracelets,takes a sip

“Oooooooooooooo, this thing’s got cooties. What IS it?”

The culprit is revealed

“YUK!!!!!!!! Somebody doodied in the Pepsi. Thank God I got some change in my purse. There’s a Mudlar-K-Cola machine by the mall entrance.”

Later

“You SURE they weren’t looking when you switched the cans?”

“Of course. It was on old trick I learned from the Amazing Kreskin. Mind over matter.”

 

But, of course, while the 2 Goofuses are inventing ways to cheat, our 2 Gallants are doing it The Strait Way , the only way to go, at least The Way Thorpiverse prescribed it. So if your Lexus’ front end gets smashed in something fierce at the Milford Wal-Mart, take comfort that Thorpiverse Junior Cadets and higher were trained to leave a note on the windshield, complete with insurance information , how it happened, their lawyer’s phone number, their lawyer’s name, rank, and serial number, information on how to be included in their will, and the urine bag sample to prove they weren’t using drugs.  Because Strait is the Gate and Narrow is The Way and few but the Gallants find it. Oh, I forgot Gil and his Merry Men. And Women. They take the back entrance.

So while we’re laughing our A’s off watching these losers in P3, observing in amazement that Thorpiverse REALLY thinks we’re this stupid(“Just put pi in the #3 slot, the judges will just round off to 3”),  just remember

If ya have trouble addin’ up your bogies becuz yore 3rd grade teacher didn’t get past 10 in her Lesson Plan this week, ya might be a redneck.

 

“And Wilson and Tony are just 1 stroke behind Sappy Jerk and Aardvark II. The Judges are doing an audit of the latter’s scorecard, concerned with how they scored a hole-in-one on a par 5. Sappy insists they used a cannon and used proper aim, able to get in the neighborhood of the hole, using Calculus principles. Even if they prove their case, they still might have trouble usiong a cannon as per the Milford Junior Pro-Am Golf Rules Directory. The judges are still hearing the appeal. Naturally, Coach T is not around to defend our heroes. But that’s par for the course, excuse the pun. While we’re waiting for the final ruling, we’ take a break. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

Marty Moon and Peaches board a Cessna for Milford Stunt Flying, Inc.

Josh Sterling, a quarterback deluxe in his day for the Mudlarks, is now a skilled pilot, able to do loop-d-loops, corkscrews, nose-dives, suicide drops, skywriting, messages on signs(“Oakwood sucks-like this plot”), etc.

“Folks, you’re about to have the time of your lives. And as an extra incentive, if you can go through the whole trip without screaming, I will refund half the fee. Remember, not a peep, not even a squeak, and you can put half your money back in the deposit box at the ATM.”

So up they go, Josh in the cockpit, Marty and Peaches putting on their seat belts and the former gets the propellers spinning wildly.

The plane goes here, there, everywhere, not a direction it hasn’t uncovered while enduring enough angles to prove Angle-Side-Angle(“Corresponding part’s of Marty’s goatee are congruent.”).

And not a sound from either one. The plane alights on earth 1/2 hour later. Josh unbuckles his seat belt, his  Dirty Harry shades intensifying his pilot image, and comes back to check on them.

“Well, I see you managed to live to tell about it. Just go up to the ticket window and show the cashier the receipt. She’ll cheerfully refund half the deal. Good job, people.”

“Thanks. Peaches, we can eat at that fancy restaurant you’ve been dying to go to. I heard the Marinaded Shrimp Surprise is to die for.”

Marty turns his head after curling up in a ball for the Tornado Drill.

“Peaches?”

“Sir, let me check the baggage rack. Sometimes they sneak in one of the compartments and the latch gets stuck”

Marty and Josh go back to the baggage rack. All the compartments are opened but no sign of Barnabas Collins.

Then Josh notices the escape hatch is wide open.

 

“And that’s how your sex life will end up if you don’t head to Milford Men’s Clinic. I might have received my refund to apply to my car payment and it’s good to know that I’m only 2 payments behind.

But if Peaches is splatted like a horse fly in somebody’s corn field, there’s no ecstasy when you eat in that restaurant and crack clams all by your lonesome. I might as well go get a crowbar out of that same car. But for what you’d pay for 10 crowbars, the Milford Men’s Clinic can set you straight. You can get all the sex you want. WITHOUT using a crow bar. it’s like cracking clams with  cardboard scissors. come check ’em out today. You’ll be glad you did.”

Thanks to Larry Cartwright who helped with the humor. You’re over coming your handicap in a might way, My Man. God bless you.

Gang, comment away. Don’t forget to fill in the blank before the show gets to the Final Round. Gene Rayburn is waiting for an answer.

 

METAPOST

Gang, it is with a VERY HEAVY heart that I announce that Aretha Frankllin died this morning. It’s not even close when I mention who was one of the giants in Rock ‘n’ Roll, Soul, Rhythm & Blues, and Pop. Aretha, you are THE QUEEN. With hits like “Respect”, “Think”, “Chain of Fools”, “Freeway of Love”, “Who’s Zoomin’ Who”, THAT’S not even scratching the surface of her accomplishments. She won 18 Grammys, belted out 24 Top 40 hits,and was the 1st woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Still. it really didn’t capture how influential she was in the world of music. When I was 10 years old, “All The King’s Horses” would be played on the radio and I just went bananas, not to mention the songs above giving this kid in the candy store a HUGE rush. With tributes ranging from former President Obama to Paul McCartney to Lionel Richie to SEVERAL others, it is clear she had a hold on many people in all ages and sizes. Elton John said it best when he said he was devastated by the news. So am I. Please spread the word about the Queen of Soul on her Day of Celebration. RIP, Aretha.

3 Comments »

  1. Nice supervision in this tourney – I thought every group had a walking scorekeeper with them to verify the scores. If you can put down whatever you want, who’s to stop them from parring every hole? Put down whatever you want. Sheesh. I’m now embarrassed to be a golfer again.

    Comment by robmize2013 — August 15, 2018 @ 7:50 pm

  2. […] If the hole is a par 6 then, yeah, six strokes is a par.  Yesterday’s strip tries to infer that it’s a par 4, to reinforce that the PRCC boys are cheaters.  The MCC pair are the only honest young men on the links.  Must be that good ole St. Fabe’s parochial school learnin’ that keeps them honest; it sure ain’t no scorekeeper. […]

    Pingback by At the Valley Juniors, There’s No One to Rap Your Knuckles If You Sandbag | This Week in Milford — August 16, 2018 @ 6:28 am

  3. Super job, gang. Good observations that put this supposed plot to shame. Robmize, I don’t blame you, this IS embarrassing. Why don’t we just use the scorecards for toilet paper, that’s about all they’re good for at this point. Way to accentuate the travesty of this storyline. Teenchy, the pingback was also a godsend and I appreciated the connection that is collaring these 2 clowns by the throat. You Guys make Democracy a reality. Super job again.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 16, 2018 @ 4:24 pm


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