This Week in Milford

September 1, 2018

I’ll Send An SOS To This Plot

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:15 pm





Gang, before we go any further, is it me or do I notice that one of the heroes is Jaquan who took advantage of the Pearle Vision Center Buy One Pair, Get The Second One Free. Hmmmmmm, or maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s son took up the game of golf and changed his name to avoid the publicity(YOU’RE KAREEM’S SON????)?

Well, nagging question aside, Gil’s Tournament is on the verge of commencing any day now and I’ll bet a Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and throw in a Bucket ‘o Buffalo Wings that everybody out there in Never Never Land, whoopsy-daisy, flush Todd Rundgren out of your cranium, T. Drew, READERLAND is just flat-out anticipating the moment. Yup, the Dalton Gang, the Clanton Boys, Jesse James and his thugs, Robin Hood  and his band of Merry Men, Morgan’s Raiders, Pretty Boy Floyd, Vlod Dracula, Sweeny Todd, are going to get what’s comin’ to them in Gil’s Tournament. Sure, they ain’t gonna win on Gil’s turf, are they?

Well, I can’t do it all, and with the help of one of my favorite albums, “Regatta de Blanc” from The Police, liberal portions of the same will be distributed through this post. Enjoy.


Stuck inside this hopeless plot

Waiting for relief, YO!!!!!!!!

Cannot take another day

Of feeling like a yo-yo


I’ll send an SOS to this plot

I’ll send an SOS to this plot

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

I hope that someone gets my

Football in a bottle


What Marty Moon was doing vocationally while he was suspended.


“Look, gimme a break!!!!!!!! I’ve only been driving for 2 weeks!!!!!!!

“I understand, but any fool knows you don’t use drawstrings to secure wheelchairs on the bus.”


Okay, gang, Gene Rayburn is your host for Match Game 2018 and we are rarin’ to go to answer the question, aren’t we? Sure we are. So w/o further ado, take ‘er away, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb(HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE?????), she was afraid Gil, while trying to encourage her for Gil’s Tournament, would touch her ____________ to fire her up.


Gang, c’mon, admit it, you’ve applied too much Aunt Jemima Reduced Fat Sugar Free Burnt Oak ‘n’ Maple Syrup to your pancakes in the morning because you were reading the paper following your favorite team or even on bated breath waiting to see if the Dalton Gang is ACTUALLY going to win at Gil’s Tournament(notice bold face print and I think you know the answer). And, of course, SOMEBODY will come along and ask “like some pancakes with your Burnt Oak?”. We get that sloshy feeling in our stomachs, knowing the pancakes are drenched with syrup and we really don’t need to chew.

That’s EXACTLY what’s happening in P1. Hmmmmmmmm(quoting Gil), hand me a barf bag, puh-leeeeeaaaaassssseeeee. Let’s continue this Socratic method if it GOD FORBID were to continue

“Did you comb your hair and use Vidal Sassoon Lime-Scented Mousse on it?”

“Did you wash behind your ears and under your pits?”

“Did you use deoderant? There’s a 1-stroke penalty if you’re smelly from all your sweat. The Tournament Official doesn’t look too kindly on golfers who reek like a squirrel in heat.”

“Did you change your underwear? Wilson, you lost last year because they said your Fruit of the Looms were a light brown. They estimated it musta been 5 days since you changed pairs.”

“Did you eat up all your vegetables and drink all your milk?”

“Did you brush your teeth, including  your wisdom teeth in the back?”


What IS going on through the minds of the Bad Boys of Golf? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm


I hope that we don’t choke

Playing on the course

Gil will watch so we don’t cheat

Playing on the course

To think we’ll win is just a joke

Playing on the course

The script dictates we won’t repeat

Playing on

Playing on the course


So they say

We’re wasting our fees away


I guess it’s a price we pay


We’ll stop cheating, come what may


We may as well stay



Gang, someone is starting ugly rumors that that last drum bit was done by Coach Shaw. He’s on guitar, REMEMBER? I mean, his calypso licks on “Walking on the Moon” are to die for(Andy Summers was in the hospital with hepatitis, if you’re wondering), but one instrument at a time!!!!!!! You mean some of you are unfamiliar with Stewart Copeland? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.



“Okay, Sir, here we are.”

“What do you mean, here we are? We’re not even close.”

“Look, don’t argue with me. The GPS is pretty darn accurate and I have other passengers to pick up and drop off. Now get going, I have a schedule to keep.”

“Mr. Moon, there’s a lot of cow manure in this cornfield. Where do I step?”


Thanks to Dennis Gore for the last comedy idea. He is in a wheelchair but goes to work every day with purpose and a plan as a government employee. He has an excellent comedy routine that EVERYBODY should see. Check it out on Google. In the meantime, I salute you, My Man.


Gil’s Tournament really sucks

We know who’ll win

The Good Guys will reign supreme


But Gil never tells you

Of the shitty things

That fouls up his grandest schemes


One golfer broke his neck

Athletic Fund just bounced the check

Poor Tony swung and strained his hips

The concession stand char-broiled the nacho chips


And it would be OK on any other day

And it would be OK on any other day


Coach Shaw really doing his best Clapton on this killer tune


The Bad Boys are coming

In their limosine

They have all the toys in hand


And the Good Guys are steaming

Waiting for revenge

While matters get out of hand


A Top-Flite’s wedged in Wilson’s butt

A Mudlark badly missed the cut

Pepsi cost 1000 bucks

Gil’s intro speech just really flat-out sucked


And it would be OK on any other day

And it would be OK on any other day

And it…


“The other guitar is complete bullshit”

“Sorry, Coach Shaw. Andy didn’t want ANYBODY going near his guitar collection in the garage.”



“Sure, Gil, Scout’s Honor, I will not cheat. If it takes 20 shots to sink it in the hole on a par 3, I will put down 20 shots. This is a Gentleman’s Game and I intend to continue that belief even if this is a Loser-Leaves-The Town-Of-Milford match. I heard West Palm Beach has some nice condos. Great place to raise a family.”


Okay, let’s transcend Gil’s thought process in P2 to The Presidential Oath


“Okay, put your hand on this Pocket King James Version Bible that I bought in the discount rack under the ‘Andrae Crouch and the Disciples-Live at the Mormon Temple’ CD at Zondervan and raise your right hand and repeat after me.”

Wilson puts left hand down on Bible and raises right hand

“I, Wilson Casey”

“I, Wilson Casey.”

“Do solemnly swear.”

“Do solemnly swear.”

“That I will uphold the laws of the PGA Constitution.”

“That I will uphold the laws of the PGA Constitution.”

“That I will call every stroke as if Arnold Palmer was looking over my shoulder.”

“That I will call every stroke as if Arnold Palmer was looking over my shoulder.”

“To write my score in the scorecard honestly and with malice toward none.”

“To write my score in the scorecard honestly and with malice toward none.”

“That I will faithfully execute my status as a gentleman even if it means I’m really Gil’s flunky.”

“That I will faithfully execute my status as a gentleman even if it means I’m really Gil’s flunky.”

“That I will preserve, protect, and defend the PGA Constitution and the sanity and honor of this comic strip to the death or be banished to The Wizard of Id, whichever comes first.”

“That I will preserve, protect, and defend the PGA Constitution and the sanity and honor of this comic strip to the death or be banished to The Wizard of Id, whichever comes first.”

“So help you Gil.”

“So help me Gil.”


Rebecca, you brought a smile to my face the first day we met. You are very bright and articulate. You have made a difference in peoples’ lives through your determination and hard work. I enjoyed talking to you and hope to see you again. You just never give up. You exemplify The American Way. God Bless You.


This Tournament really sucks

And makes me pull my hair out

I’d come on over

But I have to watch this thing play out


Can’t we play Football

It’s this month

Can’t we play Football

Not next month


If you’d defend the PGA Constitution with your shotgun cuz the Commies called the President of the United States on his Hotline and said they wuz gonna do a Pearl Harbor on the Milford Golf Course, ya might be a redneck.


Then there’s P3. The real inspiration for the Dumb Dora schtick earlier, I’d overlook the corniness of it(sheesh), really, it’s a “Ward telling Wally and Beaver not to worry, you’ll still eat dinner tonight even if you don’t win even though you’re supposed to beat these losers because the script say so” Moment until I notice the splotch on Gil’s shirt. Yeah, Gil, your Gentlemen are gonna kick some tail(would you expect anything ELSE in this horribly predictable chain of events?) and be a Gentleman at the same time and STILL impress the media and Tournament Officials and the movers and shakers with that Red Man Fine Cut Black Licorice Flavor Chaw on your apparel. I can see the photo shoot when the winners pose after the “Tournament”.

“Okay, everybody, SMILE. Uh, Gil, can you cover that spot with your name tag?”


I can’t stand this Tournament any more

It bites the big one and is such a bore

The losers will fold to no one’s surprise

The question that burns will up and arise


Does everyone puke the way I do?

I only puke at plots that stew

Does everyone puke the way I do?

I hope this plot just fades from view


Gang, it’s your turn. This Kodak Moment is brought to you by Mudlar-K-Beer. It’s not a Cola but it’s not root beer. It’s K-Beer, dumbass.


“Bed’s too big without you

Bed’s too big without you

Bed’s too big

WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”


“Mimi, I know that I’ve gotten carried away with this Tournament. But I’ll take you out to The Bucket this week. I heard they have half off Bucket o’ Shrimp on Friday. We can chow down and unwind. We’ll leave the kids with your mother. She’s been watching them for 30 years, you know she’ll say ‘yes’. Whattya say? And they’re serving wine. No, no kidding, the Milford Beverage Commission approved it this week.”



  1. Gil: “The scores don’t really matter, do they?”
    Wilson: “How much did you spend on the new scoreboard for the football field?”

    Comment by Philip — September 1, 2018 @ 5:59 pm

  2. So, is that it???????????

    I’m wondering how Gill wil react when his football players start calling penalties on themselves. “Ref! Hey, Ref! I was holding on that play. Here, let me throw the flag for you.”

    Comment by jvwalt — September 1, 2018 @ 6:58 pm

  3. I’m just gonna leave this here:

    Few players authored more impressive quarterback debuts than Wake Forest true freshman Sam Hartman. He earned the starting job in the wake of the suspension of dynamic veteran quarterback Kendall Hinton, who’ll miss the first three games. Hartman led Wake Forest to an overtime victory at Tulane, completing 31-of-51 passes for 378 yards. Tulane coach Willie Fritz stacked the box and dared Hartman to beat him, and he did just that.

    A majority of the passing production went to an established star, Greg Dortch (12 catches for 149), and a rising one Sage Surratt (11 catches for 150 yards). Wake’s escape sets them up for another solid season, which will pivot with a Thursday home game against Boston College on Sept. 13.

    Comment by teenchy — September 2, 2018 @ 5:59 am

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