This Week in Milford

September 6, 2018

“Hi, Honey, I’m Home!!!!!! Guess What? We Found a Unicorn to Take Moose’s Place!!!!!!!”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:20 pm





In the town of Milford

Where they’re backward

And there’s room to roam


Unicorns run rampant

But that won’t dampen

“Hi, Honey, I’m Home!!!!!!”


Gang, I died and went to Bucket Heaven. I am exposed to a whole smorgasbord of ideas given today’s propensity to leave things wide open for the Milford & Oakwood Express to sail through. Let me count THE WAYS.

Guess I better get the appetizer outta the way first. Is anyone as shocked as I am to see Marjie and Marty in the SAME PANEL??? Was there a typo in the lithograph(“No, No, the instructions were very clear!!! Marjie and WALTER CRONKITE were to be interviewing Gil!!!!!!”)? And then the nagging question presents itself, i.e., “…Marjie, what say we go to Milford Motel 6 and exchange notes? I’m still not convinced Gil can dig up another QB but maybe your steno pad has somebody on the Freshman squad. Peaches is going to visit her rich aunt in Hilton Head. She’s trying to get back into her will. There was a technicality in a clause Peaches and her aunt’s lawyer needed to iron out.”) Well, I guess we better not rush things. Still keep Marjie and Marty at a panel distance. I’ve never known Gil to fight 2 sharks at one time(although Jaws 5 would be fascinating-“Gil, there’s another one behind you!!!!!!!!”), and this is really breaking protocol. Bruce Lee taking on more than one thug at the same time in the Milford Public Square? Just doesn’t happen in those old grainy b/w martial arts flicks. Gil and Bruce Lee would get their brains beat out otherwise.


Shout-out to Linda Wilcox who lives in Jeffersontown, Ky. Linda, you have a lot of spunk and energy and you’ve proven that when you live independently, you promote The American Way. You come to work, come Hell or high water and you do a great job when you’re there. I salute you.


If yuz willin’ to pay luxury tax on yore huntin’ license fees just to say ya killed a unicorn with a bow, ya might be a redneck.


NEW AND INTERESTING???? Marjie, we’re at the Milford practice football field, not Cannes Film Festival. Trust me Quentin Tarantino will NOT be with the practice squad. Even Marty isn’t putting his foot in his mouth on this one. It was like Deacon Jones’ Dairy Queen “More Burger than Bun” sales pitch several years back. Y’know, if I want a burger, I’ll go to the Milford DQ and if I want bread, I’ll go to Milford Donut Solutions(“The answer to that growling stomach at your office at 8:45AM”). Will you PLEASE streamline your questioning towards football? We get enough running around, what with subplots resembling Peyton Place(Hoo boy, lemme count the ways) without this interview likely to show up on Entertainment Weekly. I can see it now

“Coming up next, Jack Nicholson has agreed to play defensive tackle for $8 million, backing off from his original demand of 15 mil. A bond issue will foot his contract. Coach Thorp will switch the football field over to artificial turf. All after this.”


We were once a sports strip

Without bad scripts

In a honeycomb


Now the plot’s in the gutter

Tough to utter

“Hi, Honey, I’m Home!!!!!!!”


Gang, the most significant insignificant member of Coach Thorp’s coaching staff, and Milford Theater in general, and I refer to Coach Shaw, was shot in the back while leaving Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club after a performance one night. The good news is that he is fine but will need back surgery and will be in a wheelchair for a couple of weeks. But given his strength, after observing several decades of his being a rebel soldier who winds on the Death List when it comes to the Tara in “Gone With The Wind”, when in reality he should be Rhett Butler, he will walk again.

In the interim, only one question remains



And was Tru Standish old and interesting? Sure, Marjie, saith Gil. We’ll bring him back during Ratings Week in case the plot winds up like golf, dazed and confused and in the cell block next to Mr. Bader. Oh, you wanna talk football? Sure, Marjie, take your time. I’m sure your stat sheet is in your trunk somewhere. Marty and I will talk about our fishing trip. No sense in hosing him one more time. He learned his lesson. Did you look under your spare tire?


Time for Match Game 2018 again. Sharpen those thoughts and get ready to rumble. Gene Rayburn, you’re on.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb(HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????),  she thought she could _____________ the tackling dummy after Gil told her to get down and dirty on it.


We were once a sports strip family

On your comic syndicate

Now we’ve changed our style

And it’s been a while

Since the plot’s been legitimate


P2: “Gil is confident, knowing he applied the New and Improved Konkrete-Seal Poly-Grip. Yup, no more embarrassing interviews where Steve Luhm has to use the Weed Whacker to find his dentures on the football field somewhere. He can withstand the onslaught of stupid questions that are non-football-related and not fret whether his dental work is sliding around in his epiglottis somewhere. He will never perform another aerial stunt off the precipice with his teeth in front of Marty Moon ever again. Coach Thorp, only unicorns make life better. Try some today. At the Milford Pharmacy or wherever fine plots or denture products are stocked.”





“Dr. Pearl, the State called again and they said they needed those Sophomore Verbal and Math Scores by the end of the wee-Uh, never mind.”


Heard at the Milford Sports Pub over the din of clacking billiard balls at the 8-Ball Tournament

“Ya know, it mighta been Mr. Bader”

“He’s in jail, stupid.”


The coup de grace is P3. Marty, you’ve got that look that Gumby is after. But at least the topic is germane to football, albeit slightly confrontational, typical Marty. We don’t know a unicorn’s butt from a hole in the ground who Mike Filion is but the readership is assuming that we’ll be filled in.

“Who’s that unicorn over there? He just dropped a pile on the 30-yard-line.”

“Oh, that’s the new guy, Filion.”

Wellllll, I’ll gamble my subscription to the Milford Enquirer that that particular conversation will not transpire. That said, Marty is no doubt itching for revenge after Gil put him in his place during basketball season. When he’s tame as a unicorn colt, that does not bode well. Nobody’s going to convince me that if he can’t have his way with Marjie(I mean, trading questions with Marjie? Marty’s interview prowess being shared with another Homo Sapien? Think about it) or Gil, that he’s going to take this lying down. There will be no “Marty Takes His Spanking Like a Man: The Sequel.” Trust me on this one.


Gil and Kaz in Gil’s office one day

“What about Ms. Rizk? She’s always alone.”

“The police ruled that out, Gil. She couldn’t have had a gun and a typewriter in her hand at the same time.”


“And that’ll wrap up another useless interview with Coach T. For my money, a hippo would do better than a unicorn at QB. And we’ll be right back after this. This is Marty Moon with WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”


Coach Shaw in his wheelchair at his house

“Damn, Honey, I can’t get out for awhile. I’m going crazy. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Oh, Darling, since we’re all alone, well, we’re 2 mature adults, let’s go to the bedroom and let’s sock it to each other.”

“Blubba, Bubba, I think I’ll go call my buddies and go huntin’.”

“Dear, you can’t, you’re in a wheelchair, remember?”

Yeah, but the new public lands they opened up right behind Milford Wal-Mart has a handicap-accessible area by one of the deer blinds. Man, those 8-pointers won’t know what hit ’em when I stick ’em with my bow. I’ll have some good eatin’ tonight, especially when I fry the deer meat in Pam.”

“Don’t you have to go UP the tree to get to the blind?”

“Yabba, Dabba, well, you see, it’s on a gingko tree and it’s even got a chair lift. I can climb the Stairway to Heaven with just the push of a button.”

“I didn’t know gingko trees grew in the woods. It seems like they’re around libraries and shopping centers.”

“Yeah, well, the Milford Isaac Walton League created an emergency fund to slow their near-extinct status. Now they grow like weeds. I can take my pick of the litter.”

“And if it’s near Wal-Mart, what if you miss? What if the arrow get’s stuck in some kid’s lungs?”


“She had me there. It was time to face up to my other handicap and hit the Milford Men’s Clinic and ‘fess up to the problem. With treatment plans that work, isn’t it time YOU restored your intimacy? Check ’em out today. Oh, they even have a ramp leading into the store. No more having to ask 3 teenagers to heave-ho me up a couple of steps to win the day on erections. I can sail on in to The Horny of Plenty. The Milford Men’s Clinic. It’s time to get your pleasure back, Men.”


“Marty, I can find my way in. You didn’t have to go into the mall withall the that construction at the front entrance.”

“Coach, we’re required to accompany you from the bus to the place of business. It’s in my manual. I’ve had concrete abutments fall on me before.”

Thanks to Dorothy Barbour for her contribution to the last conversation. I am praying for you and hope all is well.


Gang, comment away. I’m going to enter the Milford Rodeo in just a few minutes. I oughta be able to ride that unicorn for 6 seconds this time.


Now we’ve got to endure

A plot with no cure

For any decency

That won’t stop us from hoping

That we’ll be coping

And DEFINITELY not be moping

God, we need more doping

“Hi, Honey, I’m Home!!!!!!!

Hi, Honey, I’M HOME!!!!!!!”


“And that’s the way it was here on the practice field at Milford High School on September 6th, 2018. This is Walter Cronkite. Good night.”





  1. Three takeaways:

    1. There you have it. Gil admits the only way he can ever have a shot at a run in the playdowns is to have a Division I-A – oops, I mean FBS – caliber star transfer into his program. He certainly can’t coach them up to that level.

    2. From the day he set foot in the Valley until the day he left for Winston-Salem, Gil’s unicorn was named “True Standish.” Has Rubin forgotten how he spelled the golden child’s name already? He used it to set up that whole #GottaBeTrue foolishness, for Pete’s sake.

    3. Didja notice how close together Gil, Marjie and Marty were standing yesterday, and how far apart they are now that Marty’s opened his mouth? The stench of rotgut on his breath is too much for Gil and Marjie to take.

    Comment by teenchy — September 6, 2018 @ 6:54 pm

  2. Yeah, Marjie’s definitely got an Annie Savoy thing going on here. “Lookin’ for fresh meat, Gil. Help a lady out a little!”

    Comment by jvwalt — September 7, 2018 @ 5:57 am

  3. Is this just Filiion’s 2nd year? Seems like he’s been around forever, never doing anything interesting.

    Comment by Downpuppy, Lord of the Files (@Downpuppy) — September 7, 2018 @ 6:09 am

  4. This is only Filion’s second school year in the strip, but he seems like he has been around forever never doing anything interesting because he played all three sports last season.

    “Been around forever, never doing anything interesting” is a pretty apt description of several Milford athletes, especially quarterbacks for whatever reason. Past quarterbacks Miles Paris, Charles Bloom, and Steve Rosen appeared in 20 sports seasons combined and never had a single story arc really involve them in any way.

    As far as spelling goes: Mike Filion’s last name has also been Fillion, Robby Grillo was once called Bobby Grillo, Kayla Clay was Cayla on at least once occasion, Nick Hawker was originally Nick Hawkins. Back in the Jerry B. Jenkins days, Gil had a baseball-obsessed middle-aged woman who kept his baseball stat books and served as an unofficial assistant coach named Marge Siler who also spelled her first name Margie or Marge with an accent over the e. The long lost children of Gil and Mimi, Kari and Jamie Thorp had their names spelled Keri and Jami on at least a few occasions.

    Comment by billytheskink — September 7, 2018 @ 7:49 am

  5. Speaking of around forever, it seems like Pete Dewindt has been around as long as Gil has.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 7, 2018 @ 8:01 am

  6. Pete De Windt has appeared in 7 seasons, starting with football in 2015. He is a three year starter at shortstop and tight end.

    Comment by billytheskink — September 7, 2018 @ 9:53 am

  7. Gang, another great day for comments. Lots of good discussion and I’m learning a lot. Your contributions are MORE THAN making up for my very late posts(ha). I’ll keep saying it. I stand by our commenters and think we have the best in the business. Y’all keep Democracy alive. Thanks again for your input.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — September 7, 2018 @ 12:26 pm

  8. Gii’s answer to Mar-TEEN’s troublemaking question will probably be “No, Mike’s an excellent quarterback and the coaches and the team have complete confidence in him.” Rubin might use Garry Trudeau’s parentheses, which he uses to render things said in a foreign language, to convey the tacit message (It’s not fair to compare any of our players to True Standish, and if you keep this up I’ll break your fucking jaw.)

    Comment by vaganova's translator — September 7, 2018 @ 3:15 pm

  9. […] Unicorn in football cleats […]

    Pingback by Like We Needed Another Plot Twist | This Week in Milford — November 17, 2018 @ 10:41 am

  10. […] now we here at TWIM (and the strip itself) have made the point on more than one occasion that Gil and the Mudlarks would never have won the state football championship […]

    Pingback by The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Paint | This Week in Milford — January 30, 2019 @ 10:04 am

  11. […] towel down and make a little pillow talk. His guard down, a dreamy-faced Gil lets slip just exactly who it is he fantasizes about during these training room sessions. Kaz pretends not to notice, instead […]

    Pingback by With A Great Ground Game Comes Great Responsibility | This Week in Milford — September 28, 2019 @ 2:29 pm

  12. […] that every boy who’s put his hands under center for the past five seasons has had to fill the cleats of a unicorn*  and, by extension, validate Gil’s ability as a coach. No pressure […]

    Pingback by Unwanted attention, on and off the court | This Week in Milford — February 5, 2020 @ 12:26 pm

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