This Week in Milford

September 11, 2018

“Don’t Let The Insurance Companies Gouge You On Your Sorry Piece Of Crap.”

Filed under: big arms, lessons learned, Milford Idiots, The Bucket, The Legend of Joe Sharkey — tdrewhardin @ 3:44 pm

09112018

“Hi, I’m attorney Joe Sharkey with Sharkey and Sons. You might have remembered me from the ’70’s when I could hit the ball a ton but the plotlines ruined my career. Things happen. But they SHOULDN’T happen to you. I might have lost 2 fingers but I sued the sawmill company and live in a nice subdivision, Mudlark Chase, for my efforts. You can live on Easy Street too for your lost appendages. If you or your loved one have been injured in a car accident or your automobile winds up like P2 where you can’t tell the difference between that and Archie’s Jalopy, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. Insurance companies are hard at work making sure you get no more than your hand can handle out of a gumball machine. Let us fight for you and get you the money you deserve.”

“Hi, I’m Melba Hateley and my back was thrown out when Marty Moon backed a Milford Mini-Transit bus out of Milford Beverage Warehouse and rammed my Mo-Ped. I was getting a dried prune liqueur after a hard day at Milford Foundry when Mr. Moon forgot to check his blind spot in order to make up for lost time after being held up in line in the Warehouse on his lunch break. He was so determined to get his Vodka and run, he rear-ended me and threw me several feet, almost winding up in the Milford Sanitation Truck. I was in the hospital for several weeks from my injury plus a couple more days from Milford General Hospital Garbage Removal and Dermal Disinfecting Procedures. I needed just compensation for my lost wages. Thank God for The Shark.”

“Just remember, one call, THAT’S ALL.”

 

Well, gang, I think you can deduce where I’m going with this one. P2 just got the ball rolling and took things out to orbit.
Thanks for the tip, Tiki. I needed a few pointers on how to break the ice with people I’ve just met. Show ’em my ’69 Ford Mercury 400 V-8 that’s holed up at Milford Scrap Metal, Inc., explaining how I’m going to maneuver this vehicle out of the yard in time for the Milford High School Prom next Spring. “And the winner, for 2 tickets to the Milford Imax Theater, for the vehicle most likely to be sold piece-by-piece on E-Bay…”

 

Tonight at 8, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), catch all the action as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw battles the streets of Milford to harness drug traffic caused by a gang of Mudlark punks. Will he make it out alive in time for the next film session? Stay tuned for another exciting episode right after The Jetsons right here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw steps of his Texas Mudlark Ranger Cruiser after pulling over a mini-van with 5 teenagers.

“I need to see your driver’s license and registration.” as he spits towards the road. He has made the mistake of expectorating his Red Man Bubble Yum chaw towards a serial killer on the lam before (“Whoops, sorry”, holding off the psycho’s urge to pull his Colt .45 from under the seat, especially when Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw handed him a Bounty-the quick picker-upper).

Items are given to Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw. Everything is in order, down to the VIN.

“I have a search warrant on a suspicion of your smuggling electronic cigarettes across the county, part of a ring from Milford to Oakwood.”

“Sir, we just came from football practice. If you’d been there, you’d know.”

Trying to recover face that’s been lost now and for 60 years

“Yeah, well, what’s that in your cup holder?”

“Those are candy cigarettes, peppermint and lemon-lime. Want one? Besides, we’re not allowed to eat something after a grueling practice?”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw never accepts bribes, plus it wouldn’t mix well with his chaw, getting nasty images of him spitting THAT combo on the road and heads back to his squad car. Later, on his cell phone to HQ

“I think we can close the book on this one” as he nukes a raccoon in the parking lot of the Milford General Baptist Church with his chaw.

AS closing credits on the show appear on the screen, Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw is seen returning to his original identity, sipping Milford 7-11 Diet Cherry Cappuccino while dissecting game film with Coach Kaz, the kittycat meowing in the MTM Enterprises logo (spinoff from the Mary Tyler Moore Show?-no way) signifying the show is FINALLY over-well, until the next blow anyway.

 

P1: Who knows what lurks in the minds of teenage boys with nothing but nasty cars in their possession that he perhaps hot-wired in a farmer’s pig-sty somewhere, fresh with pig doo-doo in the trunk? And is willing to divulge and share with his friends so that his friends too might be dragged down on the vessel Charon to share the same fate as Proserpina? Where souls suffer day and night because Marty isn’t there from the Milford Transit Authority even if Marty flunked the oral portion of the B License exam because he forgot to memorize the weight of a B vehicle per se? They can no longer make fun of his slamming on the brakes at an intersection because the Thorp kids got too careless in the streets? THE SHADOW KNOWS.

That, or it’s a murder scene of Frankenstein. Hope the Milford Police had plenty of “Do Not Cross” tape on that one.

 

 

And of course, I drew a blank just when that next Classic Comedy Schtik, a la Moby Dick or Great Expectations was ready to emanate from my brain. Just not my day, gang.

And I’m just a little antsy over WHO SHOT COACH SHAW? Maybe that’s the reason the ideas flow until they hit the floodwall. Yeah, that’s it. My Christian Conscience is stemming the spark of creativity. Don’t let Do The Right Thing get trumped from artistic expression.

 

If ya bought a car because ya got a fetish for a beat-up sorry-ass-excuse-for-a-car-ta-drive-ta-work-on-third-shift-at-the-Milford-Foundry but ya kick the tires just ta make shore ya git thar, ya might be a redneck.

 

Okay, gang, back by popular demand, Gene Rayburn is back at the helm for Match Game 2018 ready for you to keep those wits a-blazin’. We’re ready, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE?????), she thought Tiki meant______________ in  Micropolynesian.

 

Shout-out to Elizabeth Thompson in Louisville, Kentucky. She goes to school as a volunteer to help tutor and make sure kids get their lunches and offer encouragement, especially to the underprivileged kids. This is a much-needed service and the best thing is it’s FREE. Elizabeth, the kids lack something when you’re not there. Keep being that parent that perhaps some of these kids don’t have and keep nagging them to aspire to greater heights. They’ll thank you for it when they get older. God Bless you in your efforts.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared of Charges in Coach Shaw Shooting!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Key witnesses confirm he was at a Jehovah’s Witness Convention in Richmond, Virginia; plus, the gloves to the weapon were several sizes too small and used for gardening.”

 

A shout-out is in order for Better Bargains on Cane Run Road and Lower Hunter’s Trace Road in Louisville, Kentucky. They have great buys on many items, including chips and drinks. Just walk in the door and you’ll see a display case with nothing BUT chips. Love it. They have several grocery items reasonably priced not to mention a few goodies (yum yum!!!!!) like Hostess and Little Debbie. Skip the Wal-Mart route and come on down and indulge. The staff has ALWAYS been nice and friendly to me and that just tops off my feelings towards this place. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, stop on in. Support small businesses. You NEED a place where everybody knows your name.

 

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. People in the graveyard behind The House of the Seven Gables KNOW it’s The Bucket, NOT The Pail. Stuuuu-pid. That’s right, Ren, tell Stimpy that it’s The Bucket, NOT THE PAIL.

 

“Well, Coach, sounds like another runaround session to me. And we’ll be back for some final thoughts after this. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field
Sports.”

 

“Man, I’m like James Brown!!!!!!!!! I FEEEEEELLLLLL GOOD!!!!!!!!!! No more ridin’ around in that wheelchair like the pony at the Milford Wal-Mart!!!!!!!! I’m ready to tackle the world!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Great, Honey, you can tackle me first!!!!!!!!!”

“Blubba, blooba, bleeba, I might fumble the snap. Plus, I wasn’t good at the wraparound technique when I played. Hit ’em like a ton of bricks and hope they fall like a set of dominoes.”

“Well, you can jump on this player once you’ve knocked her cold. It’s not as if I’m returning the fumble for a 99-yard-score.”

“I wasn’t very fast. By the time they were at the 20-yard-line on the other end, I just went to the bench and doused myself with the water bottle”

“You still have to get up for the handshake after the game.”

“Glippy glop gloopy, ippy oppy, ooppy, la la la lo lo, I was a poor sport. If we didn’t win by at least 35, I hit the showers behind the Coach’s back. I had no respect for a bunch of sissies, especially when they played like girls.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What do you mean? I got all the paperwork filled out for that unicorn tag during bow season. I even dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s.”

“The female end of things?”

“I’ll have to check Doe Season on unicorns,especially with a handgun. I’m not certain if you can use a Sig Sauer. I didn’t find that in the huntin’ manual.”

“I’m a girl, Honey.”

Coach Shaw scratches head in slight confusion

“You’re not listed in any season. I could have sworn I didn’t see you. I’ll write a letter to the Game Warden.”

 

“Well, as you can see, I did a poor rendition of ‘Hair’ and I just flat out didn’t see the horns from the unicorns. When Coach Kaz showed me where the Milford Men’s Clinic was on the Milford Mall map, I got there and boy, did they open my eyes to all the treatment plans available. My erections showed me YOU ARE HERE and we went from there to Xanadu. To stand within the Pleasure Dome, indeed. I never read this Colby Jack Taylor but he musta got erections by the bucketful in that cave he found. But, men, you don’t gotta go to Mammoth Cave for you to get it on at the Holiday Inn Express with your honey. Stop in at the Milford Men’s Clinic today. Eliminate the bats in your cave and free your significant other. You’ll be glad you did.”

Gang, you’re on. My dad is going to tow the car to our core business and see how much we can sell to Jasper Engines. They always need used parts.

 

“Hello, I’m Spud Witherspoon. My hearing went tone-deaf after The Pirate Network blew a load at Marty Moon. I got a settlement with TPN after I lost my job on the Milford & Oakwood Express as a conductor because my hearing went all to Hades. One day, the train almost collided with a Union Pacific because I couldn’t hear the train whistle, signalling take-off. I had to call The Shark. Now, I’m a new man after TPN paid for my Beltone and I got my job back after 6 months. No more landing the M & O on Gil’s back patio. And my lost wages paid for my son’s scholarship to Powell College, the same school Gil wussed out on.”

“You heard the man. If you’ve been injured in an accident, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS to get your share of the pie. One call, THAT’S All.”

 

Heard somewhere at the Milford Mall

“How ’bout the owner of the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club?”

“Negative. He was at the Milford Convention Center for the Billy Graham Crusade.”

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4 Comments »

  1. Who can take a nothing strip
    And suddenly make it worse than yesterdaaaay!
    Well it’s you Rubin and you should know it
    With each panel and every new character
    You show it!
    Mediocrity is all around
    No need to improve it
    You represent this awful tank town!
    You might be the worst author of them allllll !

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 11, 2018 @ 4:13 pm

  2. Damn it ! No matter how many profeeds I do I still screw it up! Take should come after can.

    Fixed! – TimP

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 11, 2018 @ 4:16 pm

  3. No worries, Jive Turkey, My Man. Hilarious and right down the readers’ alley. If that’s the worst of my problems… Keep ’em comin’.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — September 11, 2018 @ 4:33 pm

  4. I like “The Pail,” as I have always thought “The Bucket” was a silly name. But I have an awful feeling that the fall plot may hinge on the question of whether a kid who’s moved from fifteen miles away can adjust to– and be accepted by– Mfnrd.

    Comment by vaganova — September 11, 2018 @ 5:06 pm


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