This Week in Milford

September 27, 2018

In Search Of The Lost Punter

092718

Timothy Leary’s dead

We need a punnnnn-terrrrr

For the team

 

We’re flat broke and busted

Our name’s dragged in the mud

We need a talented tooeeeee

Timothy Leary

 

Sorry, gang, sue me. I’m feelin’ cocky after the Moody Blues FINALLY got inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame and the Murder, She Wrote questioning that Coach Kaz is implementing with Son of Mr. T. (“YA NEED RAY GUY, FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) was the spark that got the fire lit. Talk about being On The Threshold of a Dream.

And what high school coach IN ANY SPORT goes to the school cafeteria and skips from student to student to track down a talented player, especially at a skill position? You ever heard of TRYOUTS, Gil and Kaz? That’s what you do BEFORE the season gets underway, not 1 or 2 games into the swing of things. (Perhaps you might have been better off skipping Frick and Frack and their golf game and let them slug it out with They’re Actually Bullies?)  They DO gotta turn in a physical, more than likely in this case PAST DUE, even if you succeed in turning up that special someone who can fill the void. I’m assuming Kaz is not going to ask the cafeteria lady stocking the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s in the slots at the cafeteria line if she can sail one at least 30 yards. She’s too late and too old. Not that would stop hi,m, you understand.

“Jughead, you know of any good punters?”

Munching on his 276,843rd hamburger

“Hmmmmmmmm, you might wanna try Moose. I heard his kicking distance matches his IQ.”

Reggie Mantle chimes in

“How ’bout Mr. Weatherbee?”

Archie Andrews weighs in

“Reggie, you know the ‘Bee pulled a hamstring. He did it last month in the Riverdale Croquet Tournament.”

 

THE CASE OF THE TRAIL OF THE PURPORTED PUNTER

The new Hardy Boys Mystery now available at Milford Book & Music Exchange!!!!!!!!!!,

Gang, you ougtha see the cover. Coach Kaz, the Hardy Boys, Encylopedia Brown, Sally Kimball, Bugs Meany and his gang are on some country road somehere at night with their flashlights and magnifying glasses, searching for clues.

“Look!!!!! Over there in that cornfield!!!!!!!!! There’s somebody’s foot!!!!!! Some crow is picking at it!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“And WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?”

“FOOL. ANYBODY KNOWS THE ANSWER TO THAT. IT WAS PROFESSOR PLUM WITH THE KNIFE IN THE CONSERVATORY”

“The Milford Enquirer said the library.”

“SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH THEY KNOW. THEY SHUT IT DOWN FOR A WEEK CUZ THERE WAS A GAS LEAK IN THE CHILDREN’S NON-FICTION SECTION, FOOL”

 

I fell into a burnin’ ring of fire

Which reminds me, this is burning and burning and burning ad nauseum. Of course, how stupid of me. Joe Skilled Athelete was a World-Class Explorer, having discovered Mount Everest, the Alps, Pike’s Peak, Mt. McKinley, Mt. Fuji, and the highest point in Delaware. Boy, I’ll bet he aces your final in World Geography, Coach. Anyhoo, he’s climbing Kilimanjaro right now but I can get a Bantu to meet him at the base of the mountain in 3 days. His cell phone should be in functional order by then.

 

We need a man, the best around

He’ll kick it high right off the ground

His Field Goal range so very sound

A bonus at this point

Timothy Leary

 

If ya agree ta punt for the high school football team only if the coaches elect unanimously ta pay for yore bow tag this fall, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, doncha just love that Chinese girl in P1 with that Funky Winkerbean nose? She’s as happy as Coach Kaz winning the lottery and/or finding a kicker under a Welcome mat. Then, in P3, if that supposed Exit sign doesn’t qualify for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, nothing will. Some teacher evidently pasted a student’s lost notebook and no doubt had to have been the most obvious place to find it. Sure, but there is a Lost & Found Department somewhere in the building, we hope anyway.

 

On p.7 of the Milford Enquirer

“The Milford Mudlark Football Team is seeking a qualified applicant to fill in as a kicker. The Mudlarks offer competitive wages, Major Medical Insurance, dental insurance, vision benefits through Milford Eye World, profit sharing, 401(k) with 10% company match, 2 weeks paid vacation after only 1 year, wage increases after 90 days and 180 days thereafter, liberal attendance policy, FMLA benefits, and 7 paid holidays. If this sounds exciting, send resume to

Milford High School

PO Box 6517

Milford, USA

Or email at http://www.milfordandgilaredesperate.com”

 

Timothy Leary’s dead

Lost in the lunchroom

Without luck

 

Coach Kaz is on his knees

Asking all, oh, pretty please

Let’s end this misery

Timothy Leary

 

If James Fenimore Cooper took over the reins at Thorpiverse (James, you have the combination to wordpress?)

It is Winter in the 1.23 trillion acres of elms, poplars, maples, oaks, hackberrys, ponderosa pines, black locusts, (the pods are buried deep within the snow, the few surviving being munched on by Bugs Bunny, a quick snacke before Elmer Fudde arrives on cue) , and chestnuts.

Bumppo “Leatherstocking” Shaw is out in the middle of nowhere, oblivious to the camera perched on the walnut tree, “Milfordshire Outdoor Magazine” doing a live show. Coache Gamaliel Wendell Thorp and his entourage are on the hunt themselves. His entourage consists of Baron Steuben von Kaz, Viscount Tiki of Glastonbury, Earl Jaquan of Stanhope, and some flunkies (or the football team, same difference) .

Roadkill is discovered in the middle of the path. It is fresh roadkill. Coache Thorp is compelled to restrain the contraption (‘slam on the brakes”) and swerve his sleigh to the emergency lane of the trail to avert a 10-sleigh pile-up. He turns on his flashers, the flunkies set out triangles 10. 50, and 200 feet apart so  magnanimous vehicles (‘semi’s”) can alertly pursue other channels (“get in the passing lane”) .

“Coache Thorp, greetings and salutations!!!!!!!!!!”

“Leatherstocking!!!!!!!!!!!” Always a pleasure!!!!!!!!!!! And it looks like you outclassed me (“beat me to the punche”) againe.”

“Naw, Coache, this 10-point piece of virile venison (“buck”) has got BB bullets in its carotid; I didn’t kill it with this bow and arrow I obtained in goode faithe (“on loan in exchange for some cheap tobacco”) from the Cayugas. you got first dibs on the eatin’.”

As Gamaliel blows the smoke off his BB gunne in triumph

“I am honored by your honesty, my goode manne. Goodness knows, the village of milfordshire could use more gentrys such as in your person (“you”) .”

Baron Steuben von Kaz surveys the landscape, which in roughly 2 centuries will become Max Yasgur’s farm and subsequently a mudbowl named Woodstock, the rest of the 1.23 trillion acres comprising New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and a couple of counties in Vermont and finally states

“Coache, I don’t see how you manage to align your apercu with the quarry (“smoke ’em down”). Your eye is keener than an eagle’s arse (“retina”, close enough) .”

“I thank you, Baron Steuben von Kaz. It takes years of repititive solicitation (“practice”) which I did in my posterior portion of my property (“backyard”) . I shot severale rounds into The Wilderness and found matters to be quite commodious (“shitload of acreage”) . Hardly a chance (“no bat chance in Hell”) of intersecting a Noble Savage or Red Man or passing ‘Go’ or collecting $200 since the Confederations are on the other end pf the 1.23 trillion acres, give or take a hectare, near the reste area, you know, the one with salubrious accomodations (“clean restrooms”) .”

“My Lord, Coache (“same difference”) , it is noble of you to be of great concern for the noble savages, even Tecumseh, bilious (“mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore”) and choleric as he is reputed to be, spoke highly of your character (“reputation”, closest translation) ,” Viscount Tiki chimes in, “He says you always are circumspect with the flora (“watch the daisies”) and take only as many elephantes (“elephants”) as you’ll eat on your cutlery (“dishes and silverware bought at Target”) .”

Leatherstocking, weary of the Nathaniel Hawthorne exchange

“Gentlemen, it is well to trade courtesies (“shoot the shit”) but I personally am freezin’ my asse off (“self-explanatory”). And the Erie Nation is a bit sore after I almost hit a child when I was shootin’ a bighorn sheep. Think we best be parlaying our efforts (“headin’ back”) to town before the rooster obtains hot flashes for the hen (“sundown”) . The Injuns could be poppin’ out anytime.”

Coache Thorp is in mental disarray (“confused”).

“Leatherstocking, aren’t you getting a century ahead of yourself? I believe Philip Sheridan will utter that particular bon mot (“wind up in an almanac with said expression”) in a Doris Kearns Goodwin Bestseller on Red Cloud.”

“Coache, if you believe I am traversing the unexpected (“going Back to the Future”) , so be it  but I’m in no moode to confront the Injuns. Some’ll attack. Some’ll demand 10% of the fresh triumphal return (“kill”) . By Hades (“Hell”), I’ll give ’em the ovoid particles (“testicles”) and gristle and settle up thereafter, otherwise, I’m in no moode to negotiate.”

“We can always augment things with a renal structure (“throw in a kidney”) if it’ll preclude inflammatory measures (‘being burned at the stake”) by the Mohawks, Leatherstocking. And perhaps bargain for a couple of blankets in return. My carpete in the 3rd floore hallwaye is getting worn from 10 centuries of usage (“use”) . It is my understanding (“there were rumors”) that Boethius used it as a summer house.”

“Coache, I’m not budging beyond its balls, that’s the difference between you and me, I’ll pluck arrows first, ask questions latere. I’m like Harold Southwick Callahan, perform your majestic undertaking, Savages (“go ahead, make my day”) . And do you see McFly’s racer anywhere in these woods?”

Leatherstocking has him there. Baron Steuben von Kaz sneaks a peak into a sugar maple and observes no fluxe capacitator.

“Very well. Gentlemen, load the provisions of coffee, Earl Grey tea, chickens, buffalo meat, fruits, vegetables, Oreos, and Chips Ahoye onto the sleigh, Baron Steuben von Kaz, see that the rifles, ammuntion, gunpowder, cannons, tasers, pistols, and explosive tinderboxes (“grenades”) are stored in the brougham, boys (“flunkies”), put the kille in the vomitory (“trunk”) of Tiki’s jalopye, careful not to puncture the rubber device (“spare tire”) with one of its antlers, you boy (soon to be John Hay, one of Lincoln’s secretaries) , load the legal documents, hunting licenses, telescopes, surveye equipment, books, journals, New York Times, including the crossworde onto the troika”

“Coach”, Earl Jaquon of Stanhope points out, “aren’t troikas Russian? Won’t  they be utilized in the Napoleonic Wars? I construed (“heard”) that McFly’s vehicle will be the linchpin  that turns away Buonaparte at Leningrad (“St. Petersburg”) .”

“This is my medicine show presentation (“History Channel”), Earl Jaquon of Stanhope, and Injuns, er, Red Men could be coming anytime. Now lead the troops (points to several flukies, one who will be William Herndon, Lincoln’s law partner) and ride on the lead chariot to scout for any trouble.

The engines are started, the chariots perform a couple of wheelies and depart from said premises (“head out of Dodge”) .

“We’ll have plenty of venison to feed the 3,458 populace (“people”) of Milfordshire at the ball tonight.”

Leatherstocking shouts at Gamaliel

“I thought there were 3,459.”

“No, Leatherstocking, Mortimus Moon was ambushed on his way to the Publicke Forum (“broadcast booth”) by the Mohawks. They sent smoke signals that they didn’t appreciate what he said about their play-calling.”

“Were there inflammatory measures (“was he burned at the stake) ?”

“Worse. They cut him up and sent the entrails back to the village in a leatherstocking, Leatherstocking.”

“Well, it appears he forged his appendage into oblivion (“stuck his foot in his mouth”) permanently. They just confirmed what we already knew.”

The snow is picking up the pace.

“Be that as it may (“no skin off my nose, he’s an asshole, anyway, has been for 60 years”), we have to observe celluloid material (“watch game film”) before the ball.”

“Coache, as longe as I can stick my bowe and arrowe by the filme projectore,  I’m all right with your methodes (“good to go”) .”

“Very well, Leatherstocking. We can still break down the Iroquois Nation defense as long as your bowe and arrowe doesn’t ruin the projectore. Baron Steuben von Kaz, did you remember light bulbes?”

“Light bulbes aren’t until the Golden Era of Sluts (“Gilded Age”) . Edison is just a gleame in his great-great-great-grandfather’s eyes.”

 

Gang, comment away. AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT FOOL

 

I’m sick of things so upside down

A silly smile become a frown

I’d rather read of Charlie Brown

it’s best to just leave town

 

Timothy Leary

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10 Comments »

  1. It’s been a few years since I’ve wandered these hallowed, Prairie-Windowed halls.
    I see it’s as grand, if not grander, than when Milford finally won State.
    This is Mudlarkery at its finest.

    Comment by Prof. Anthrax — September 27, 2018 @ 5:15 pm

  2. “And he’s giving me the part of Travis Bickle in his up coming movie Uber Driver!”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 27, 2018 @ 6:07 pm

  3. WORLD GEOGRAPHY CLASS?? What the hell is that? My school had Geography. Period. Why just study one country in geography? Who needs World in front of it? So the regular geo class at Milford ‘just’ studies America? Sheesh. Like comparing water to Perrier.

    Comment by robmize2013 — September 27, 2018 @ 6:22 pm

  4. I didn’t know that Kaz was still a student.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 28, 2018 @ 7:10 am

  5. I wonder if kids are still egregiously cheating on Kaz’s geography quizzes.

    Comment by billytheskink — September 28, 2018 @ 7:17 am

  6. I think “The Purported Punter was a Robert Ludlum novel. Or maybe a Batman villain.

    Metacomment: I’m jvwalt AND John S. Walters. Depends on which computer I’m using at the time.

    Comment by jvwalt — September 28, 2018 @ 7:32 am

  7. I’ve also seen this movie before, kid… You know the one – The one with the smug douchebag fuckstick wannabe witty teen who makes the life-altering decision to play sportsball for a despotic moron of a coach for some mediocre small-town Podunk high school in an unnamed flyover state because sports is the only thing that ever matters to all their insignificant miserable short lives…

    Comment by hitorque — September 28, 2018 @ 9:13 am

  8. “See, Joe? We’ve got this fancy editing software and we’ll let you use it if you punt for us and also do all of our film editing. Really, we’re doing you a favor.”

    Comment by timbuys — September 28, 2018 @ 9:39 am

  9. P4 9/28: “…do you mind taking your finger out of my asshole?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 28, 2018 @ 10:25 am

  10. Gang, just flat-out LMAO at all of your comments. WOW, YOU PEOPLE JUST ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don’t mind, Comment of the Day goes to franku as i was laughing several minutes over that one BUT take nothing away from the rest of the comments. Proud of ya, gang. You make it work. I’ll stack these comments against ANY of the other comic strip blogs IN THE NATION and I’ll bet I’d win. You people are the cream of the crop, no question.

    John V. Walters, your point is well-taken and as usual I got brain-lock and didn’t see the connection. Thank you for clarifying and keeping me and the rest of the readership posted. I will still say it, your comments are ALWAYS welcome. I like what you have to say and I’m bettin’ a beer at the Milford Lounge(ha) the TWIM gang feels the same way.

    Keep Decocracyh and Free Speech going, gang. Make America work like it has for 200+ years.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — September 30, 2018 @ 2:12 pm


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