This Week in Milford

October 4, 2018

“Gil, They Can All Boom It From 50+ Yards, But One of the Seven Chinese Brothers Has Turf Toe.”

Gil Thorp Comic Strip for October 05, 2018

 

 

Seven Chinese Brothers were once asked

If they could punt

Six were sure of foot

Five kicked 50 yards

One was a runt

 

Gang, as you might surmise, this post will have an REM flavor to it. Why not? One of the more influential Rock ‘n’ Roll bands, and then some, they will weigh in today on this plot already on life support. Call it pulling the plug on this vegetable with a little help from my friends.

 

Brace yourself. Gil is starting to get intellectual on us. I should have seen it coming when the other day Kaz and Joe started sounding like the VideoHound. I understand Leonard Maltin will be giving the pregame speech the next game.

“You guys could do better in the plot but I liked the cinematography. Those poplars on top of a rosebush we see in the background at Mudlark Stadium save the film from a total disaster and the script, though I’ve seen better in Godzilla vs. The Mudlark, peters out and gives us a ray of hope should there be a sequel. Now kick New Thayer’s ass, Gentlemen.”

“LET’S DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And sure, not all coaches are dumb jocks, having been involved as a high school booster/coach, but  Coach Kaz looking like he just read out of Fodor’s French in 10 Days is REALLY stretching it. Next thing you know, he’ll be utilizing all the French words we use in English anyway just to display to the world that there’s a Harvard side to him.

“Gil, voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”

“No, Kaz, I can’t go with you to the cafeteria for breakfast. My doctor told me to cut back on the bacon/egg soufflé and grits. No Cream of Wheat either.”

So the next time you see graffiti in stall #3 in the boys bathroom and it reads “Madame Pearl est plein de le merde”, it won’t require Miss Marple to find out who the culprit is.

 

Situation clearly sucks

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Pistons in combustion chamber stuck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Gil would sport much better luck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

In his bathtub coaching his rubber duck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Ohhhhhh, wish we were on our way

la da da da DA DA

Basketball next day

la da da da DA DA

We can only plead and pray

 

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Yeah

 

And JUST WHEN Gil and Kaz go Einstein on us, P2 confirms it was a false sense of security.

POP QUIZ TODAY???????

Isn’t pop ANYTHING meant to convey a sense of surprise with the intention of compelling your underlings to cough up information that you should have been studying the night before instead of going to the Milford Bijou to watch “The Return of the Brady Bunch: Mr. Brady Transfers to Milford Toyota As A Corporate Lawyer”? And speaking of the Brady Bunch, isn’t that Mr. Price, y’know, old-timers, the one Peter Brady was snowing because he was so focused on working on the school newspaper that he forgot to memorize all the capitals of Latin America and South America? He still might have passed if he’d taken more time spelling “Tegucicalpa” correctly. Spell-checker might have helped, Peter.

“Peter Brady, you still might have saved your grade but Tijuana is not the capital of Honduras.”

“My bad, Mr. Price.”

“I’ll give you half credit for remembering that Bolivia has two capitals, La Paz and Sucre if you’ll try to remember that America did not sign over the Panama Canal to Aramco.”

“Gee, thanks, Mr. Price. Your wife looked good in that bikini at Mudlark Lake Resort last weekend. She’s fit and trim at 87 years old.”

 

Shout-out to Kathlynn Turner of Jeffersontown, Kentucky. I LOVED your sharing how your family members, Bill Davis and Levi Beauchamp, were truck drivers for several years and worked countless and thankless hours at their jobs so we could get the goods we wanted ASAP. They certainly kept the flow going for the finer things in life. Gang, they kept America moving. They are the unsung heroes that keep our economy STRONG. Without them, we wait DAYS for our favorite items to come, as in the past, Colonial or Cowboy period, take your pick. I salute you, Levi and Bill. You too, Kathlynn.

 

Gang, whaddup wit this quid pro quo stuff?

“Okay, Joe, then it’s settled. You can have my entire DVD collection of ‘Planet of the Apes’ including ‘The Battle of Armageddon Decimates Milford on the Planet of the Apes’ if you’ll kick for us.”

“Throw in Coach Thorp’s ‘Them!!!!!’, ‘Tarantula’, and ‘The Blob Swallows Milford’, and I’ll call it deal.”

” ‘fraid not. Coach says that was his collector’s items when he first started the strip and they’ve been in the heirloom for ages. His grandma watched them on her old Victrola.”

“How ’bout REM’s “The Footballs of Guatemala” to sweeten the pot?””

 

Milford & Oakwood train whistle introducing next song, accompanied by strtident guitar lick on Marty’s ukulele, just imagine the possibilities, Marty and Peter Buck in a guitar duel

 

Windout

Can you kick a ball

Windout

Does Kaz care at all

Windout

Should we return Gil’s call

Windout

Will you play this Fall

 

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

(Great guitar licks, Peter Buck, way to apply the pressure with your strings)

 

Oh, Mister Bolek

 

Should we doubt

That you’re done with film

Windout

That you’ll take the helm

Windout

The team won’t go to Hell

Windout

The strip stays put as well

 

Windout

Windout

Windout

WINDOUT

Punt Punt Punt Punt

 

I was tempted to call this plot “Dead Letter Office”. Nah, no sense in disgracing the group with a plot in a coma. Anyway

I’M GETTING TIRED OF THIS PLOT IN A CIRCUS TENT…Uncle Gil

Okay, Gil looks nowhere near like Uncle Ben, I can’t even imagine him on the rice box, it’s literally black and white,  but I’m taking poetic license here.

 

If ya think Fodor’s French in 10 Days is shoveling cow manure with mustard on the Streets of Milford within the same period of time and ya follow through by gettin’ shovel, pick-ax, trowel, cement mixer, and backhoe at Milford Rent-All, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

“No, Coach, I didn’t see the movie. I was getting back in shape. How’d it wind out?”

“You should have seen it!!!! A deaf, dumb, and blind kid kicks the pigskin straight through the wickets and the team wins the State. Then he dies of suffocation in the dog pile.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the Milford Police Station

“Ugly rumor that it was Joe Bolek”

“Negative. He was seen by several eyewitnesses sneaking into Milford Adult Theater on Classic Porn Night to watch ‘Deep Throat’.”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers donning their helmets and shoulder pads

Waiting for their time to play, this is awfully, truly sad

3rd and 18 on the Mudlark 25, doubt they’ll get their chance

Stay warm in the meantime, executing the cha-cha dance

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the sideline

Gil and Kaz lacking clear direction or ANY guideline

Please get a clue

Please get a clue

 

And as long as I’m going to beat this one in the ground, Coach Kaz trying to imitate Gerard Depardieu(“Man, Kaz, you’ve got talent. I also liked your Donald Duck, James Brown, Homer Simpson, Slim Pickens, and Bozo imitations. You ought to audition at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club on Talent Night”), c’est la vie(French for “Gil prefers Charmin instead of Brawny when he’s situated in the Port-o-Let”) reminds me of my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, & Palmer who did a song with that title, off the album “Works”, a slightly ambitious production that got better with age, released back in 1977. But this is taking a turn for the worse.

“I’ll trade you my ‘Pictures at an Exhibition’, ‘Tarkus’, and ‘Emerson, Lake, & Palmer: Live at the Milford VFW Lodge’, and my collection of Greg Maddux cards if you’ll kick for the team and give me ‘Remember The Titans.’ I wanna see if Denzel Washington can teach me anything new.”

“Throw in that video of Keith Emerson spinning ’round and ’round on his organ while playing ‘Fanfare for the Common Man’ and a bunch of drunk navy veterans throwing Sterling cans at him in the VFW Lodge ball room, and I’m good.”

“Deal.”

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkkk, gang, to commemorate the TV clips you see get lopped off at the Milford Shell after you’re finished pumping your gas

 

“And Milford is gonna kick it. This is for the win. DeWindt, the holder, the Seven Chinese Brothers will be kicking against the wind, here’s the snap, THE KICK——-”

THANK YOU!!!!!!! CLERK HAS RECEIPT

 

“Peter, why are you late?”

“Sorry, Mr. Price, I went to the Milford Men’s Clinic for Teenagers and I OD’d a little on the stuff. I had a little bit of a hard time putting on my Levi’s. I was thinking about your wife and how much fun I was having mentally undressing her and that just added fuel to the fire. Her boobs really looked nice while jumping off the diving board.”

“Well, I must admit, your snow jobs are creative.”

“Thank you. She’s probably somebody’s baby tonight. And it was a toss-up between her and Bo Derek.

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to the travel agency and get “Fodor’s Milford on $10 a Day”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers shooting dice until it’s time

Finding out in vain that Gil’s acumen weighs but a dime

They almost went in, 3rd and 10 to kick the winning goal

Play was called back, refs blew foul, receiver flagged for a hold

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the bench

Seven Chinese Brothers had enough of this stench

Please let ’em play

Please let ’em play

 

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14 Comments »

  1. We’re still not sure whether this “punter” is going to show up. Inept punting is what lost them the first game. And what is Coach Thorp and his cohort doing about it? Sitting back and taking life as it comes.

    Comment by Philip — October 4, 2018 @ 6:21 pm

  2. Wow, tdrew. You must have hopped a boxcar out of Tronix camp. EIther that or watched YouTube clips with Kenzie Hanley. Kudos!

    Comment by teenchy — October 4, 2018 @ 8:23 pm

  3. Worst John Houseman rendition ever.

    Comment by timbuys — October 5, 2018 @ 6:01 am

  4. Annnnd another plane taxis slowly onto the runway. Coming up tomorrow: Another plane taxis slowly onto the runway.

    Comment by John S. Walters — October 5, 2018 @ 8:08 am

  5. More bow tie teachers please.

    Comment by billytheskink — October 5, 2018 @ 8:42 am

  6. Gilberto Tharpe: A white dude named “Tiki”? Really, Rubin?? Well, time to dust of the old list of “Reggie Cleveland’s All-Stars” and add a new entry.

    GT 2: “I don’t know why my sister is so slow, sir! Even when she KNOWS I’m peeping on her in the shower it’s like she intentionally goes even *slower*! And then she starts touching herself in ways I can’t describe but they make me feel really strange inside!!”

    Comment by hitorque — October 5, 2018 @ 10:57 am

  7. Mr. Bowtie clearly had a past in pro wrestling. For one thing, that forehead has been bladed more than a few times. For another, he has to remind himself that it’s TODAY.

    Comment by jvwalt — October 5, 2018 @ 12:50 pm

  8. I have a certain empathy for bow tie wearers, as I have not worn a long tie in many years (it’s a kind of tribute to my own teachers, many of whom still wore bows in the early 60s. And wearing one also conveys a kind of good humored “up yours.”) I hadn’t thought of John Houseman, but Mr Hand is not an exact match either.

    Comment by vaganova — October 5, 2018 @ 2:23 pm

  9. Mr. Hooper is alive and teaching at Milford??!!??

    Comment by Prof. Anthrax — October 5, 2018 @ 3:05 pm

  10. **Thursday post was missing so I inserted the strip above the Friday strip.**

    Comment by robmize2013 — October 6, 2018 @ 3:54 pm

  11. Gang, SUPER DUPER day for comments. I am proud of all of you. I’ll stack y’all against ANYBODY in the country.

    Teenchy, thanks for the kind acknowledgement. I’ll admit I leapfrogged(ha) a ton of REM’s earlier stuff. It just came and the rest was history. Them were the days, BTW. I learn a ton from your trenchant humor and many times it gets the wheels going(damn, sounds like a lyric from “Chronic Town”-ha ha). You da Man, My Friend. Thanks again.

    Thank you for the “Likes” on this post. If I can find a way to get a hold of you, I will. If I can’t, your kind words keep me going. Thanks again.

    Gang, Y’ALL keep me going and you MOST DEFINITELY kept Democracy going today. Let’s help Ned on Monday shoot Gil at High Noon.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 7, 2018 @ 2:30 pm

  12. […] a ratty orphan car, we didn’t know much about him until last week, when we learned he has “a slow sister problem.”  Rubin left it to interpretation then that Tiki’s sister might have a hard time getting […]

    Pingback by Sister Act | This Week in Milford — October 13, 2018 @ 8:03 am

  13. […] “Slow sister” excuse? […]

    Pingback by Like We Needed Another Plot Twist | This Week in Milford — November 17, 2018 @ 10:42 am

  14. […] “Slow sister” problem  […]

    Pingback by Rammer Jammer, Gil Can Yammer | This Week in Milford — December 1, 2018 @ 1:21 pm


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