This Week in Milford

October 23, 2018

This Plot Goes On And It Drives Us Mad

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Where do we go from here

Now that Tiki is camping in Gil’s place

And how does he spend his time

When the plot forges on at a snail’s pace

 

ANOTHER HARDY BOY’S MYSTERY???????????? CAN WE AT LEAST GET SOME FOOTBALL WHILE ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN AND SALLY KIMBALL TRACK DOWN WHERE BUGS MEANY LIVES??????????????

My goodness, I’m sure they’ll discover, probably to no one’s surprise, that Bugs Meany and his family have their own private Hooverville house at Milford Skid Row. They followed Bugs’ (not Bugs Bunny, to avoid any resemblence which would be REALLY coincidental) trail of Jack Daniels bottles back to his house, or really loosely speaking, abode. It keeps the rain out, give him that. Anyway, the Hardy Boys will more than likely find a similar path starting with the sandwich Tiki is devouring in P2. Are we SURE his mom packed that in his lunch box this morning along with Sun Maid raisins, Lays Sun Chips, Hi-C cooler, and Hostess Twinkie or did Tiki hock that from the incinerator in the Maintenance Room? The Hardy Boys should have checked there first. After non-contact drills, of course. Anyway, if the janitors check all the garbage cans and dumpsters and detect that all the PB & J, Ham & Rye, Tuna Fish and Scrambled Egg, Brain, Bacon ‘n’ Pork Rind, and Reuben sandwiches were pilfered from designated repositories, then it’s hard for me to imagine, as desperate Gil is to resuscitate this plot, that he would stoop that low, literally and figuratively. There could be only one culprit and he’s eating the evidence even as I text.

But hey, the Hardy Boys could always sneak into Coach Thorp’s office and check his mini-fridge after blocking drills on Thursday just to be sure.

“WOW, look at all these Bacon ‘n’ Egg Croissants!!!!!!!!!!!”

Elmer Fudd follows the string of Michelob Lite beer cans from the edge of the Wal-Mart property deep into the Milford Wildlife Management Area until Mr. Fudd pinpoints a rabbit hole next to a camellia bush, half-eaten by the other Bugs (not Bugs Meany, do I have to keep reminding you???????) that he surely washed down with the Michelob Lite (Here’s to good friends, tonight is kinda special, a hollyhock and Lowenbrau among your fishing buddies after you caught a shark. Life is good) . Elmer points the blunderbuss into the hole. Hope Bugs Bunny isn’t hung over. “Aw wight, wabbit, say your pwayers.”

 

Shout-out goes to Vincent Natalie of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a housing inspector for years, and with his solid work ethic and great personality, would have kept going had God not told him to relax and enjoy life. Unlike many housing inspectors, Vincent learned you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar and approached every landlord and tenant that way. they would gladly proceed and comply with his orders which were ALWAYS reasonable. If government was ALWAYS that way, we’d get more done. Vincent, you were great to talk to the other day and I hope to talk to you some more in the future. Enjoy your retirement. You’ve earned it.

 

BTW, While the Hardy Boys and Milkman are on a rampage,  I’ll be using “The Turn of a Friendly Card”, you whippersnappers, from the Alan Parsons Project, to aid them in their pursuit of justice. Need help somewhere.

 

I have been reading on one of my favorite subjects, math, and I read something interesting on probability.

It seems that Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades (assuming that Hercules and Atlas were busy with the kids) threw dice and Zeus wound up with the earth, Poseidon, the oceans, and Hades, well, I think you can put 2+2 on that one.

But my imagination is running wild

“I drew Milford AGAIN?????? Let me see those dice!!!!!!!!!

 

And by my calculations, it appears in P1 that the Spaceship Enterprise has landed in the Milford High School parking lot (Security ordered Captain Kirk to park the vehicle in the Student Section) for, I’m thinking, a seminar with the students. I’m ruling out a pep assembly. And, lo and behold, if it isn’t Samuel Llewellyn Spock, Dr. Spock’s grandson, shooting a stare at our victim, Tiki Time Bomb. Careful with that Vulcan Submission Hold that your granddaddy used on his enemies. We’re talking a prospective slum king here and it’s not necessary to implement desperate measures.

“OKAY!!!! OKAY!!!!! We live under the bridge and we eat out at Hardee’s every night!!!!!!!! At least it’s char-broiled!!!!!! And, OKAY, we sleep on the dead sassafras trees and lay our heads down on the foliage. Now will you let go of my shoulder?????

 

Where do go from here

Now that Tiki lacks toilets or floor space

And how will he go to class

If he’s blocked by the presence of Gil’s face

 

At a book sale, I ran across a book entitled “How to make a Tornado”.

This week’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Suing Milford High School Concerning Home-Made Tornado After His Mudlark Lake Beach House Was Razed To The Ground; Scuba Divers Recover His MVP Trophy In The Bottom Of The Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Trial will begin in February 2019 after his lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, gets his condominium appraised of damages.”

 

Nothing forward

Nothing gained

This plot wades on

And it bears much pain

I’d rather eat borscht in the rain

Topped with candy cane

Crap festers more and more profane

 

We’ve got common sense to lose (We’ve got common sense to lose)

We’ve got Alpo Beef for news (We oughta be belching out this news)

 

Shout-out to Beverly Tyler of Clarksville, Indiana. Two, count ’em, two broken ankles in the past, yet she has overcome and cheerfully goes to work every day as if nothing ever happened. She is truly an inspiration to me and has shown me how you can beat the odds just by making that first step. She gets up EARLY to boot. Wow. Gang, I think she loves her job and life too. Give her respect, gang. Lots of it.

 

And as long as The Hardy Boys are not going to learn their lesson AND STICK TO SPORTS (remember the stern lecture Gil gave them last year when they and Joe Friday and Bill Gannon were staking out Aardvark’s place?) , I have to admire their process of elimination in P3. No, if he’s eating Spam instead of Prime Rib, Ken’l Ration instead of Filet Mignon, Fried Tuna instead of Lobster, we can safely posit that Tiki’s family does not own a time-share cabin next to Marty’s beach house at Mudlark Lake Resort.

“Joe and Bill-”

“That’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, to you, punks.”

“Anyway, look at this trail of Tender Vittles. Smells like they eat a lot of the Shrimp variety. It’s leading to that chalet by that huge pin oak tree.”

 

Annnnnddddddd, I saw this at a Kroger in my hometown in the Frozen aisle on an endcap

Denali Extreme Maximum Fudge Moose Tracks (for those of you keeping score at home)

Sooooooooooooo at the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, now offering free delivery, brought to your doorstep in 30 minutes or less or the order’s free

“Waiter, there’s a roach in my wife’s Fish Curry Vindaloo Soup.”

“And the chefs didn’t sprinkle enough paprika in the Samosa Chat Moose Tracks. I’m usually fartin’ up a storm by the time me and Gil get to our Nissan Sentra.”

“Believe me, I have to roll down all the windows when we drive out of the parking lot. We have to give our kids Flintstones Chewables to flush themselves of the stench.”

“But this time, I haven’t even bothered to reach for my Rolaids.”

 

“Officer, how’d you know I was with Milford Clay Oven? The cherry top on the Domino’s, Papa John’s, and the Pizza Hut cars are all shaped the same.”

“Simple. Yours was the only one in Urdu. BTW, I’ll let you off with a warning if you’ll let me sample that Ultimate Vegetable Korma Moose Tracks.”

 

 

 

“Okay, here’s your Chicken Tikka Masala, your Tandoori Chicken Salad, your Chicken Pakora, your Denali Vegetable Karma Ghia Pakora ‘n’ Baked Beans Krishna Karamel Baghavad Vita Wienerschnitzel On The Rocks Tandoori Waldorf Salad Maximum Ne Plus Ultra Chocolate Vanilla Strawberries ‘n’ Cream Ghi Moose Tracks Ice Cream, and your Kiddie Whopper And Fries. Oh, I forgot your 6-pack of Bud Lite on your coupon special.”

“That’s correct. I receive a free 6-pack brewskie of my choice when I purchase $85.00 worth on the menu, am I right?”

“You are correct. Anything else?”

“I think that’ll do it.”

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks for coming out to Oakwood.”

“Anytime, Mr. Andrews.”

 

Nothing’s good and Gil’s been had

The tripe shoves on

And it drives me mad

The writing flubs

And the story’s bad

For the ending, I’ll be glad

Eliminate this passing fad

 

Gil’s got nothing left to lose (Gil’s got gray lint in his shoes)

He oughta admimister fresher news (He’s waxing increasingly obtuse)

 

Ian Bairnson’s guitar solo, brilliant virtuoso as he always is (never disappoints) , leads us intooooooooo

“And that’ll do it. Coach T finds another way to lose one. Who’s gonna be his next kicker,  Donald Duck? Well, while I’m scanning the Disney Channel, allow me to pause for a commercial. We’ll be back to wrap up this travesty of justice. Your final, Jefferson, Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns, 23, Milford, 21, you’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Fans, while you’re listening to Marty’ bull, I have a question.

Is your sex life on the rocks? Is the only time you get erect is when you stand at attention and salute the flag? Is your wife spending more time dropping off the kids at soccer practice than in bed?

Hi, this is Gil Thorp, And I can certainly relate, having experienced my own Erectile Dysfunction nightmares. Talk about “Tales from the Darkside”.

My weenie could have passed as the host of the show, it was that frightful. Mimi was about to call a werewolf, she was desperate for something exciting, even if it meant her heart would be ripped out or whatever werewolves do, I never watched the show, I was busy incompetently coaching the team. If all she had to do was stick a silver Bic pen in his neck to get stuck herself, it was worth going all the way for them. Thank God the werewolf’s number was unlisted.

And, I know, the Milford Men’s Clinic at the Mall got leveled to the ground by that tornado, created by a Senior Project. I still think some people need to get a life. However, don’t let some careless asshole who misapplied Erlenmeyer flasks and pipettes on the 2nd floor of the chem lab at Milford High School derail you from the pleasure you seek. The good news is that the Downtown location wasn’t even touched. And you can get the same treatment programs there that work just as well. By Gum, all you gotta do is locate the Empire State Building and you’re gonna score, in bed and in finding the place cuz the Clinic is right next to it. I’m not good on geography, some say I’m not good on coaching, but I’ll bet Marty Moon’s retreat house at Mudlark Lake Resort that if I can find it, you can too. Plenty of free parking in the rear and they’ll even validate your parking stub if you park in the Milford Municipal Lot.

Improving my sexual arousal and picking up my bar tab, er, parking bill, now that’s a winning combo. Pippin and Jordan couldn’t park their pick-ups any better.

And while the idiots who were careless with Mother Nature will serve In-School Suspension for their malfeasance, the Mall location will rise from the ashes, a Phoenix mating with its female counterpart, ready to soar their sex life through the uprights, this time winning the game. No referee to throw a flag on this one.

 

Comment away, gang. And if you’re in the area, stop by Coffee Crossing in New Albany, Indiana (Grant Line Road exit) . I was impressed by their selection of lattes, cappucinos, coffees, and scones, among other goodies, lots of ’em, at reasonable prices. If you’re on your way to work or need a lunch break, stop by. Support Small Business, gang, You need a place where everybody knows your name.

 

“Hmmmmm. Bill, this tastes like Mudlar-K-Pineapple Plus Cola. They must be skimpy on the soft drinks.”

“Mr. Friday, it could be Donald Duck Orange Juice. I’ve seen Tiki snarf tons of the stuff.”

“You punks run along and go home!!!!!!!!! You’ve got calesthnics and conditioning at 0600 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

No this plot never ends

When Gil’s World all depends

On the turn

Of a friendly

Foot

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2 Comments »

  1. Well, this certainly calls for an intervention vaguely approved by/arranged by Gil and executed by the latest MHS dynamic detective duo.

    While there is a great deal of good to be said for constrained comics, Whigrub’s approach of limiting themselves to the same three to four revolving characters and just as many plots is definitely not to my taste.

    Comment by timbuys — October 23, 2018 @ 4:34 pm

  2. Tim, thanks for the comment as it was ON POINT as usual. You can get to the gut of the matter with the best of them. That’s what I like about you. And thank you for the video insert and taking care of us old fogies(ha) who LOVE Alan Parsons. You have been VERY helpful and your tips and advice ALWAYS come in handy.
    And Tim’s right. this is just a recycling of The Hardy Boys from last year. I can go to a book sale and buy the set. Why do I need to saunter to Gil’s World and read about their (mis)adventures?
    That said, thank you for keeping Free Speech and Democracy going. It’s what drives the Business of America.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 24, 2018 @ 5:35 pm


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