This Week in Milford

October 25, 2018

It’s Tiki Season

Filed under: ?, general nonsense, Milford Weirdos, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 4:17 pm

102518

Gang, remember when Elmer Fudd would be slinking along in his hunting boots et al and be deep in the pits of Mother Nature, proudly proclaiming that it’s “Wabbit Season HAHAHAHAHAHA”? That’s why it wasn’t registering when The Hardy Boys were doing ANYTHING but football. Putting the season on another sabbatical until Halloween will fry your brain big-time.

So now we come to the point where they are taking Yogi’s cue, i.e., if ya see a fork in the road, take it. Assuming that Tiki is not going to ruin his Bridgestones on the curb ahead of him, that fork should lead to some interesting ramifications, not that we’ll learn any football along the way. No, If he turns to the right, as he alleged, we won’t run into Joe Namath’s Quarterback Skills Camp, held at the Milford Elementary playground (“If you’ll get offa that jungle gym, I’LL teach you how to scramble”) , and if he turns to the left as he’s DOING unless he’s doing a doughnut and causing further distractions to this Pandora’s Box, we probably won’t see Coach Belichek giving a lecture on spearing at the Milford Community College Lecture Hall (“I used to aim for the glutes”) .

SO WHERE IS HE GOING??????

Before we unseal the envelope and get to the bottom of his whereabouts and pray he doesn’t get swept up in the Kanamits’ next flight at Milford Int’l, I’m imagining ridiculous scenarios where Hardy Boy #1 finds a pair of Tiki’s Fruit of the Looms that a buzzard was pecking at in the middle of the road, then more along the way that leads onto a trail that leads onto that trail…

“Hardy Boy #1, this tree house is where he lives!!!!!! Wow, you can see the back of Kohl’s!!!!!! So that’s where Milford Sanitation dumps its wares. Peeeewwwwweeee, you couldn’t track down a dinosaur, it stinks so bad back here. And his Fruit of the Looms all have brown stains on them and I KNOW those aren’t deer droppings on the ground. That one pair we found on that willow tree branch was an EPA hazard.”

“True, Hardy Boy # 2 but are you SURE that’s where he lives?”

“Yes. There were posters of Lady Gaga, Bo Derek, Raquel Welch, Paris Hilton, and Jennifer Lopez on one wall and his favorite NFL teams on the other, plus a family portrait on his desk next to his bed. He was the one with the peach fuzz. His dad was picking his butt just as the camera snapped. Apparently, Milford Photo doesn’t do retakes.”

“I’m still not convinced, Hardy Boy #2.”

“There was also a letter on his desk where was writing to his grandmother at Milford Senior Living Center where he was complaining that Coach Thorp needs to quit sipping martinis at the International Coaches Clinic held at the Milford Expo Center and he’d seen better coaches at Greyhound.”

“That’s Tiki.”

 

Shout-out to Anna Lenk at First Transit in Louisville, Kentucky. She comes in every day with a purpose and works her tail off to make sure the bus routes are in excellent order and they ALWAYS are. You make my job easier, My Friend. She is also VERY knowledgeable about the way things work around the place. It’s good to know where to go if you need info, especially when schedules are tight. You come through EVERY time to get passengers on time. You have my admiration and respect. You make America go.

 

Another theory

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Tiki’s Whereabouts Revealed In Tract #23 In The Milford Fish & Wildlife Area By Local Hunter!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: I figured that wasn’t my deer blind. Mine don’t have security cameras and there was a Sonitrol sign nailed to a sycamore tree under his domicile on one of the branches.”

 

Still another theory

 

8:43 PM It was chilly in Milford but the skies were clear. The same couldn’t be said for this plot. Anyway, you could see every star in the sky.The WMFD weather forecaster called for rain later.

My partner, Bill Gannon and I, were working the Social Services Division of the Missing Persons Bureau, specializing in Missing Details of Personal Inventory, SWAT Unit. The boss is Captain Pearl.

We had been staking out the living quarters of Tiki Jensen at his apartment or so it was reported.  We hid behind The Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile so no one would notice. Dispatch wasn’t certain, having been informed that they were actually living in the restrooms at Milford Park, Dad and son in the men’s room, Mom and sister in the women’s room, the Skid Row slugs in the unisex room, etc. They were 24-hour jobs. Bill blew a wad there occasionally, careful to never utilize the unisex room, having caught some tourists from Thailand changing their Baby’s diaper. He let it all hang out in Stall #2 of the men’s room, his favorite hangout, especially after he had plunged into the buffet table at Fong’s Chung King Cafe ‘n’ Coffee, a little hole in the wall, situated next to Milford Clay Oven. Bill would catch up on the haps in the Milford Enquirer while sitting on his throne.

Captain Pearl had advised us to exercise caution as pistol shots were heard from time to time. Some people were disgusted that there was no Charmin to soften their asses, evidently. At any rate, Bill and I were ready with our Sig Sauers, ready for action. Not all loud noises were obnoxious farts from excessive Van Camp’s Pork ‘n’ Beans.

“Whattya think, Joe?”

“Ahhhhh, too risky. Tiki’s dad could go postal if there’s not enough Wet Ones in the paper towel dispenser.”

“Doesn’t Tiki have homework?”

“Negative. Headquarters confirmed his book report on “Napoleon at Waterloo” and his math assignments were all turned in. We’ll never nail him on truancy.”

“What about his sister?”

“Gotta keep an eye on her. She went up the river on armed robbery a few years ago. Word around the neighborhood is that she’s desperate and might be tempted to hold up the Milford 7-11.”

“That hungry, huh?”

“Appears so. Father was denied welfare because he was earning too much income at Milford Foundry. Don’t see how, all he does is lug junk steel into the chutes. But I don’t make the rules.”

“Guy’s in the lowdown, for sure.”

“Looks that way.”

From behind that locked door next to the boulder, the Hardy Boys arrive on the scene. They spot Friday’s Ford Gran Torino squad cruiser ducked behind the Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile. The Good Humor Man has called it a night, sleeping in Stall #3, Stall #2 padlocked, reserved for Gannon and Friday, should nature call while on a high speed chase.

“Joe!!!!!! Bill!!!!!! We got something!!!!!!!”

“How many times do I gotta warn you? It’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon!!!!!!!!! I won’t tell you again!!!!!!!! I’ll nail your hind ends on a Section 458, ‘Insubordination and Impedimentation to a Police Officer while in the Line of Duty’!!!!!!!!! And tuck in that shirt!!!!!!!!!!! And use Head & Shoulders on that mohawk!!!!!!!!!”

“But Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, we found Tiki’s jersey. It was in the cesspool by the Milford KFC where they dump their chicken bones and unused cole slaw. He was washing his uniform there. YUK!!!!!! It’s got mashed potato stains all over it.”

“That doesn’t prove anything, you losers. I could have been on the team the way Coach Thorp is recruiting!!!!!!!”

“Sir, Coach has all the waterboys he needs.”

Bill Gannon stifles a snicker.

“Look, you vermin, I could slap the cuffs on you for a Title 89, Section 188 ‘Unauthorized Investigation with Intent to Interfere with Police Proceedings’, but I’m in a good mood. But don’t press your luck. Either give me something to work with or hit the road, Jack, and don’t cum back no mo’.”

Gannon is a bit stupified at Joe’s street language.

“Well, he left a trail, a jock strap with his name stenciled on it, his football pants, his cleats, his shoulder pads, his knee inserts, his mouth guard on the mulberry bush, ooooooeeeee, shoulda seen the mulberry stains-”

“Cut to the cheese and give me some action.”

“We found his house. It’s a cave.”

“I’m in no mood for jokes. I’ll haul you off on a Section 315-”

“No, No, we’re not kidding. It’s really a cave. Part of Milford Spelunker’s Club property. They all reside in a cubby hole and, well, except for no door to keep the Avon Lady or Jehovah’s Witness out, the poverty is not all that bad. They have a wide-screen TV, automatic dishwasher, refrigerator with a tap, in fact, they to wash their clothes in the pool of shit because the washing machine is on the blink. The Maytag Man came by and will have to order parts. But they live like you and-”

“Awright, awright, we’ll do the investigating around here. You punks get to bed. You’re worse than Adam-12. At least they wore a badge. Scramble so you can make tomorrow’s Tackling Concepts practice!!!! You’re out of your league around here. Coach may let you run hog-wild and neglect your football obligations but I’ll run you in on a Section 2519, ‘Impersonating a Comic Strip’. Now Beat it!!!!!!!”

Gannon with one last gasp.

“How did you find us, anyway? We try to camouflage this buggy so that Allen Funt can’t even find us.”

“Simple. We figured the Good Humor Man doesn’t smoke Bel-Airs and your lentil soup breath was reeking pretty bad. We never knew the Good Humor Man to frequent the Milford 24-Hour Diner.”

“All right!!!!!!! That’s enough!!!!!!! Scram!!!!!!!

“Say ‘Hello’ to Elvis and Humphrey on The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”

“Easy, Joe. They’re not worth it. Stick your derringer back in your holster. Okay, Sons, run along, like the man says.”

 

Another theory

 

Joe and Tiki in Tract #16 of Milford Fish & Wildlife Area, yanking off a picture of each other on the sugar maple tree in front of them

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP

A picture of Gil appears

“Whoopsy daisy, gotta catch the limo or I’ll be late for The Newlywed Game tonight. My wife will kill me if don’t shower and shave.”

Later, after Gil disappears into the bramble.

“Shhhhhhh!!!!!!! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Gilbertos.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

 

On “The Newlywed Game”, held one night in the banquet hall of the Milford Elks Club

“Couple #1, Gil and Mimi, what image will your wife say comes to mind when she has your whim whim on her mind, A) A gigantic Lincoln Log B) A Beanie-Weenie C) A pool cue stick or D) A railroad tie on the Milford & Oakwood rail?”

“Oh most definitely a railroad tie.”

“Well, Gil, hate to break it to ya, buddy, but she answered…(Mimi holding up card) a Beanie Weenie.”

“Honey, you’re always enjoying my pile drives. What changed your tune?”

“Weelllllll, Gil, Sometimes I fake it just to get through the night and…”

Bob Eubanks, egging it on to boost the ratings and watch the audience howl with laughter at any standoff

“Mimi, do you enjoy it when you’re NOT faking it? Now come on, be honest.”

“Oh, sure. Sometimes Gil buys some anti-Dysfunction medicine at Walgreen’s and his #2 pencil changes into a decent Lincoln Log. After the kids get done making a log cabin out of it.”

The obligatory deluge of mirth rains down on Gil and Mimi, Gil using Mimi’s answer card to hide his face, Bob Eubanks laughs his Seal of Approval and prepares himself for the next couple. Bob Eubanks has done his job.

“Couple # 2, Coach Shaw and…”

 

“That’s right, Bob Eubanks really stuck it to me in the behind, but figuratively, of course. The important thing is that I needed help and the next time we get on the Newlywed game, I’ll be ready. That’s because the treatment programs at Milford Men’s Clinic really  work and aid and abet in the cause of Technical Ecstasy, oops, my bad, gotta quit bringin’ in the Black Sabbath days when I was a hippie for a day, SEXUAL ecstasy. With newfound confidence, we may be on a waiting list for the show, but the rematch and the trip to the Bahamas plus a $1000 gift certificate to Milford Kohl’s that we’ll win will all be worth the effort, in bed and in the studio. Stuffing the cue cards in Bob’s boxers will be sweet. Kinda like beating Tod Andrews after he dumped me. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today and get your slice of the revenge. No better feeling than to know Bob and I have the same hairdo but only I can dish out the paybacks. Revenge is sweet.”

 

Gang, Go to it. I’ll be riding in Joe and Bill’s squad car on the lookout for football since we supposedly have Tiki in our sights. I coached baseball with two policeman when I was in Babe Ruth League Baseball, so they cut me some slack. All I gotta do is roll the windows down so I don’t have to inhale that Bel-Air smoke and I’m in Heaven. They understand.

 

Still another theory (And thanks to Joe Szerletich from Louisville, Kentucky, for help with the idea)

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Friday, I had all these spray cans of VO5 because I was hungry and thought I could sell them on the black market. I know rules are rules and Gil was missing them from his shed but I was starving. You understand the Greater Good, don’t you?”

“All I understand is that I’m gonna nail you on a Penal Code 43, Section 685, ‘Intent to-What’s that music? And where’s Bill? Something fishy going on.”

Bill Gannon and Allen Funt come out of a black bear’s lair

“Smiiilllleee, you’re on Candid Camerrrrraaaaaaa.”

 

 

“Couple #3, Marty and Peaches, 25 points will give you 60 points and the lead. What is favorite ritual will your wife say you prefer to perform before you make whoopee? Marty?”

“I’d have to say both of us dancing in the raw to ‘Classical Gas’ by Mason Williams on my old 45 player in the basement.”

“Well, Marty, she didn’t see it that way. She answered ‘Scratching up against the hackberry tree next to your retreat house at Mudlark Lake.”

“Peaches, you KNOW I use that to eliminate the mosquitos around the place? How are we going to make whoopee when there’s fleas in my pubic hair?”

“Maybe you should use a flea collar next time.”

The crowd spits out their Mudlar-K-Blueberry Blast Cola on that one.

Bob Eubanks has done his job.

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6 Comments »

  1. “We’ve gotta get to the bottom of this mystery — but not until late December, so let’s do this one step at a time.”

    Tomorrow: Our ace detectives debrief at The Bucket.

    Monday: Somebody asks Tiki a question and he sweats bullets while answering it.

    Tuesday: The guys talk about what a fishy answer that was.

    Wednesday: Somebody (Joe Bolek’s movie buddy? Some rando girl?) has a friend of a friend who knows Tiki’s cousin.

    Thursday: Snippet of game action. Milford loses when Joe Bolek gets engrossed in watching a Preston Sturges flick on his smartphone, misses the call for the punt team and Milford gets a crucial delay-of-game penalty.

    Friday, Saturday: Ace detectives track down the friend of a friend, who offers a vague hint that All Is Not Well.

    Monday: Ace detectives follow Tiki’s car to the second turn. “Hmm, he shouldn’t have turned THAT way either.”

    Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Comment by jvwalt — October 26, 2018 @ 7:29 am

  2. 1. As some of y’all know, I work at a state university and as luck would have it, the punter from the football team showed up in my office yesterday. I asked him straight up if it was harder to convert a position player to a punter or a long-snapper and he said punter, 100 times out of 100… So Gilberto is actually getting dumber with each passing season because he never, ever in a million years should have forced the punter to be the long-snapper and then literally have to bring in some loser from the detention hall at mid-season

    2. As for today, and someone PLEASE tell this Film Geek Poseur Douchebag that not everyone gives a rat’s ass what hipster vintage movie he saw again last night, nor does everybody want to hear a review/commentary… I mean FFS he’s so smug and self-proud that it almost seems like he’s expecting a medal?! And this is how he starts damn near every conversation?

    Comment by hitorque — October 26, 2018 @ 8:39 am

  3. I don’t know who is the douchier character lately, Bolek or Andre. Both are starting to get on my nerves.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 26, 2018 @ 8:53 am

  4. (Sorry, I meant to post something like this yesterday but better late than never.)

    teenchy’s decided to post
    In haiku because it’s the most
    MFnrdian way
    To make poetic hay
    Of a plot line that’s doo-doo on toast.

    Comment by lauramac — October 26, 2018 @ 12:07 pm

  5. OK, if haiku’s the game, I’m in.

    Lauramac’s with us,
    Though she often is silent.
    It’s good she’s still here.

    Comment by vaganova's copy editor — October 26, 2018 @ 5:23 pm

  6. Wow, gang, you people carved this plot up like a turkey(ironic, since Thanksgiving’s next month-ha). Y’all just waylayed(taking spelling license here) this plot VERY effectively. I LMAO at every one of your comments cuz THEY GOT THE JOB DONE!!!!!!!!!! Gotta hand it to Lauramac as I loved her haiku version and I felt it was Comment of the Day. Well done, My Friend. VERY funny and poignant.

    But Y’all done me good. You went after Coach T with a vengeance and you kept Free Speech going. Good for you.

    Let’s help Ned attack some more in his post tomorrow. His excellent commentary can’t do it alone.

    Democracy lives.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 28, 2018 @ 1:48 pm


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