This Week in Milford

November 6, 2018

Can We UNLOAD 16 Tons Of Garbage Off This Website?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 5:34 pm

gt11062018

This plot funded in part by the Geraldine R. Dodge Foundation

 

And by viewers like you.

 

This is the PBS* Network.

 

 

*Plot is Bull Shit

 

 

 

Some people say this plot

Is made out of mud

Coach Thorp is a fluke

Dons the brain of a spud

 

The merry-go-round

Of the players at hand

Flouts the slipshod saga

Less and less in demand

 

 

 

You read 16 tons

Whattya got?

Another day older

And a shit-for-brains plot

 

Say, Gilbert, doncha call me

cuz I can’t go

I’m mired in this cesspool

of a shit of a showwwwwwww

 

At Coach Kaz’s house late one night, the VCR runnin’

“Alfred P. Sloan?? Never heard of him. Can he kick??”

“Uh, no, Coach, actually he mortgaged his mansion and sent a check through Milford National to finance this movie and this plot.”

“He put his ass on the line for ‘Benji’?”

 

Gang, I don’t know about you but haven’t we already read “Hound of the Baskervilles”, a/k/a Aardvark’s Dilemma, a/k/a Do I spill the beans about my mom’s excessive visits to Milford Pharmacy for OTC products such as PALS and hydrogen peroxide and Ny-Quil Children’s Remedy(A wonder she didn’t wind up in Skid Row on the last one) and Barr’s Leeks(oops, that’s for cars but it sounds like a medicine, so what the hay, she drank it with two Tylenol before she went to bed) and Triavil plus the medicines prescribed by the doctors at Milford Community College School of Pharmacy but she abused anyway such as Spirolactone and Coumadin and Carvedilol and wind up at Milford Homeless Shelter for telling the truth or Do I just shut up and let it ride(“If ya wanna have fun ruining your son, Cocaine…He’ll just dunk, he’ll just dunk, he’ll just dunnnkkkkk, Cocaine”- guess Clapton reads Thorp too since they’re both God)? Fortunately, Sherlock and Watson and the Hardy Boys solved that one to everyone’s satisfaction and Aardvark was able to locate suitable shelter and Aardvark was able to ride off into the sunset with a Buzz club just beyond the horizon.

But we don’t need neither want a sequel.

“JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK INTO THE GYM: AARDVARK II”

 

“How did you deduce that Mrs. Aardvark was snorting shoe leather, my dear Holmes?”

Elementary, Watson. Observe the Hardy Boys Converses. They had more grease and dirt on them than their penny loafers. Then notice their socks hanging on the magnets on the refrigerator door in the kitchen. They were beshrouded with dirt from their scrimmages plus all the useless running around looking for Aardvark when any fool knew he’d been vacationing on the Falkland Islands in the first place. Garments such as shoes and socks that filthy are bound to smell. Then when Mrs. Aardvark insisted that the stink from her bathroom was her own feces, it hit me funny that disposable wastes like that do not reek like that. Cats usually faint when a person using the bathroom  unloads  a ton but Garfield kept on eating his lasagna. I made a mental note until later when it would come in handy.”

“And that time is now.”

“Precisely, Watson. When I saw her taking her high heels out to the car, she wouldn’t be wearing them for Intermediate Tennis Lessons at the Milford Tennis Club where she purported she was going. Therefore, what was she going to do with them? There could only be one logical answer. When the Hardy Boys dug up her go-go boots out of her back yard by the bird bath, they just rubber-stamped my suspicions.”

“You’re a genius, Holmes.”

“Much obliged, Watson. Now, I’m hungry. Let’s get a bite to eat at The Bucket. All this investigation of footwear-snorting has worked up an appetite. Just don’t order the Livercheese Burger. I’m not in the mood for reminders of this case.”

 

One day I read the funnies

To the scene of the crime

Picked up my shovel

To sift the grime and slime

 

Pulled my back

And broke my collarbone

My wrists got carpal tunnel

On Tiki’s Tales alone

 

You read 16 tons

Whattya got

Another day older

And a God-forsaken plot

 

Say, Gilbert, doncha call me

cuz I can’t go

I’m on the couch with Bikel

Watching “Vertigoooooo”

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Sues Boone’s Brats In Light Of Unfair Competition!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fast food joint points out Coach Boone is selling bratwursts on a stand in the Handicapped Section in its parking lot”

Thanks to Matthew Maloney (with one ‘L’, Matthew, I didn’t forget.) for help with the last comedy idea. Keep Kroger going, Big Man. You make it happen with your hard work. YOU make America, My Man.

 

 

“We here at WPUB are asking you, if you want this plot to continue, go to the phone NOW and call the number listed on your screen. That’s right 1-LUV-BAD-PLOT. And our producer, Melvin Tom Whistlewhite III, whose dad did the key grip for Masterpiece Theater when his dad was a teenager has told us that if you go to the phones in the next 20 minutes and make a contribution of $50 or more, you will get Gil’s autobiography, AUTOGRAPHED, I might add, “How I Kept My Hair Congealed in Place When My Player Blew A Game-Winning Bunny”. Boy, I don’t know about you fans, but I have to keep dabbing Rogaine on my head twice a week and not only did my loan default on my Miata, I’m still losing hair. Please, go to the phones and support this plot. Visa and Mastercard are accepted. Checks are acceptable if your credit history and your report cards from K-8 clear a background check. Please, go to your phones and support this plot.”

 

 

A shout-out is in order for Tara Love at Transit Authority of River City who works in dispatch and keeps things well-coordinated. The routes MOVE when she is on the job and anybody having any trouble locating a passenger ALWAYS tracks down their customer, thanks to her extensive knowledge of the routes and the customers, plus her eternal patience. I have a ton of confidence in her that she knows what she’s doing and she is a sweetie while doing it. I salute you, Tara. You keep the busses AND America rolling. Well done.

 

 

 

“Marty, what are you looking for? You’ve been digging through those boxes in the basement for two hours.”

“I’m looking for my dad-blasted report card from 3rd grade. I got straight A’s and it should compensate for the 2 bounced checks I wrote at Denny’s.”

 

In response to the recent Men’s Clinic in my newspaper touting the benefits of a wavy stimulator, reputed to get the blood circulating in a man’s significant other.

 

DING DONG!!!!!!!

Coach Shaw, reading The Sporting News with Bo Jackson(you did it right, Bo) on the cover, sniffs out danger and heads toward the attic.

Mrs. Coach Show answers the door.

“Yes, can I help you?”

“Is this the Shaw residence?”

“Yes, it is.”

The UPS man hands her an oblong box. Too heavy for a Colt .45, Mrs. Coach Shaw recognizes it immediately. She hides her elation long enough to keep her hot flashes under wraps with the Man in Brown.

“I need you to sign this.”

“Sure.”

She signs her John Henry  on the Etch-a-Sketch computer gun, then receives her package as if it was a girlie-girl getting her first Barbie Doll.

THEN she is on the prowl for her husband while gashing the box and yanking out the prize.

A Texas Instrument TI-36 electric cattle prod.

“Oh, Honeyyyyyy, lookie, lookie, what I got. This ought to pave the way for greener pastures. This cattle prod ought to revive the Lazurus between your legs and come forth.”

Heard through the attic door “If you’re a cow, I can think of no better form of sodomy.”

Too late. Coach Shaw has given himself away. Fortunately, the attic hatch has a little lock.

“But, honey, I won’t hurt you. Think of it as Coffee-Mate. You just need a little stimulation.”

“My dick don’t drink Folgers. And geez louise, look at all these old photo albums. I’ll have my time occupied for a while.”

“Honey, we put them in a safe deposit box at Milford National. And the key’s in the garage under the spare statue of that horse jockey.”

“Wrong!!!!!!!! I found some here in this file cabinet. It’s got my dental records when I was a teenager, all the Reader’s Digest’s in chronological order, beginning when the Bull Moose Party was founded, memerobilia from Milford Basketball’s 1975 State Playdown Championship. Man, you gotta check out this picture of Jerry Pulver  giving the ref the finger that got him a ‘T’. How’d he win MVP? I’d like to kook into that.”

“I’d like to look into something all right. And I have the right equipment to do it.”

“Baby Doll, I don’t need Electric Shave to pump me up. I can rub against this composite of the 1958 Mudlark baseball team and I’ll be hornier than a frog.”

“Was Gil coaching? I don’t recall seeing that.”

“Of course. Dobie Gillis and Maynard P. Krebs were on that team. Krebs could knock the cover off the ball, even though Coach T. told him that if he wanted to be the next Roger Maris, he’d have to stop being a Marty Moon wannabe and shave the fuzz.”

“But Darling, this prod works faster. I don’t have all night listening to you hump the heating vent.”

Coach Shaw is now mad as Hell and not gonnma take anymore.

“Well, just try and make me!!!!!!! I ain’t budgin’ and I’ll keep fudgin’!!!!!!!! This lava lamp is giving me excitations!!!!!!!”

“I knew it’d come to that. Bugs Bunny, you said our surprise guest just arrived? He’s in the living room?”

A few minutes later

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll BLOWBUBBABLUBBABUBBABLUBBABUBBABLUBBABUBBABLUBBA the door down.”

 

“Face it, I was done in by Looney Tunes. That’s when it was time to hit the mall and make my presence known at Milford Men’s Clinic. I got harder and life got easier. Bugs and Elmer and Daffy and Porky went to pitch Public TV and my wife sold the cattle prod to a traveling salesman running the Chisholm Trail route. Everything is in perfect harmony. So much so, I can balance on my significant other in my King-size. Talk about an encore for my wife. But don’t take my word for it, find out how you too can be an acrobat with your dick. Your wife will applaud the circus.

 

 

“…and if you send in a contribution of $500 in the next 30 minutes, you will receive a free gift “Gil Thorp and Ferrante & Teicher perform Erroll Garner’s ‘Concert by the Sea: Live at the Mudlark Lake Concert Hall'”. I never knew Gil could play the piano but Ferrante & Teicher confirmed via conference call that he does a better job of that than coaching. I’ll take their word for it. Please, Grandpa, go to the closet and dig in that safe for that money you’ve been amassing since 1942, kiddies, break your piggy bank when Mom isn’t looking and help support great programming such as this plot…”

 

 

 

 

Ifffffff ya see me comin’

Better step aside

A lot of ‘Larks did

And a lot of ‘Larks died

 

I am beet-red with rage

Trying to figure this out

I may as well dunk my head

In mauve sauerkraut

 

Ya read 16 tons

Whattya got?

Another day older

And a burnt toast plot

 

Say, Gilbert, doncha call me

cuz I can’t goooooo

(Tennessee Ernie Ford really belting it out here-God love you, My Man)

I’m stuuucckkkk innnn theee seatttttttt

Of a toilet-laced shoooowwwwwwwww

 

Gang, comment away. Father Brown oughta be coming along to Gil’s office once he gets a hall pass from Dr. Pearl. And Encyclopedia Brown just got done in Gil’s Water Closet. He was in there for 17 minutes. He ate a Taco Grande at Milford High School’s cafeteria and dumpin’ this baby was worse than getting in a grudge match with Bugs Meany, fer sure.

 

At the Milford Girls-a Go Go Club auditions

 

I was born one mornin’ when the sun didn’t shine

Picked up my shovel and i walked to the mine

I loaded 16 tons of number nine coal

And the straw boss said, well bless my soul

 

You load 16 tons

Whattya get

Another day older

And deeper in debt

 

Saint Fetus, doncha call me

cuz I cain’t go

“CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!!!!!

Gil, how many times I gotta tell you it’s Saint PETER!!!!!!! Lord, we’ll never make the cut. and this unplugged version was a sure fire winner to get the girls going. And Hank Williams Jr., you’re not. It’s CAN’T!!!!!!!” Coach Shaw notes while tuning his Jazz guitar.

 

“For a $100 contribution, you’ll receive this video “Gil and Elmer Go Snipe-Hunting” and there are rave reviews about this baby. But you only have 7 minutes so get on the phone now and support this plot.”

“Thanks, Daffy, you heard the man…”

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3 Comments »

  1. So we wait for tomorrow to see if Inspector Kaz’ first step is – go to the office and see what address they have on file.

    Comment by Philip — November 6, 2018 @ 5:58 pm

  2. Panel three of today’s (inexplicably missing?) (FTFY – teenchy) strip makes me wonder of Gil’s office, unusually lush and plush as it may be, is one of those weird forced perspective rooms. I mean, that gargantuan coffee carafe alone…
    TDrew, you’re in fine form today. Nobody, but nobody references Tennessee Ernie Ford, and here you bring more gusto than Schlitz could have ever hoped.

    Comment by Steve Vargo — November 6, 2018 @ 6:05 pm

  3. Great comments, Gentlemen.
    Philip, LOVE the “Inspector” tag to this travesty and I couldn’t EVEN imagine Kaz in Scotland Yard but that’s pretty much the direction things appear to be headed. You nailed it well.
    Then Steve, thank you for the kind words. As I told Timbuys, a singer I deeply respect helped put this plot in the deep freeze. His crooning and his homespun humor made him a fan favorite and I appreciate your take on Ernie. He was truly one of the greats.

    Keep Democracy and Free Speech going, gang. And if you voted, that helped those 2 beautiful ideas along. We are America, after all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 7, 2018 @ 5:25 pm


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