This Week in Milford

November 8, 2018

Will Wal-Mart Be Selling Sketchy Telephones On Black Friday?

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Including today, we have negotiated through 22 days without seeing a football. You TWIMers have done an excellent job with the analogies on detectives in relation to The Hardy Boys and now Gil and Kaz,  running the gamut from Encyclopedia Brown to Agatha Christie to Go Go Gadget Go. Even Gil is getting in on the act, calling Kaz “Sherlock” the other day. I reckon when you ain’t playing football because it’s been preempted by “Peyton Place” and “A Charlie Brown Special: The Case of the Missing Fussbudget”, you start thinking more like Luke Spencer and/or Jessica Fletcher

And the telephones are the proof in the pudding. Good God Almighty, Gil and Kaz ought to be switchboard operators . They’ve been spending more time with phones than pigskins, without a doubt.

“One ringee dingee

Two ringee dingee

Hello, is this Coach Sit-on-your-ass-all-day? This is Coach Phone-is-epoxied-to-my-earring. We’re calling about a player that used to play for you. You don’t know him either? But you heard he dated Manny the Mail Man’s daughter? Well, that makes sense, the Shoe Shine Man on “Police Squad” told me he’d been in the ‘hood mixing in with some sketchy characters. BTW, how long has that Tab can been on your desk? I can smell it through the wires.”

 

VAMBOOOOOO, I don’t understand this plot at allllllll

You old-timers, remember when the Sensational Alex Harvey Band appeared on the old In Concert series (on ABC right after the 11:00 News) ? Talk about bizarre. Bizarre lyrics, bizarre music, bizarre clothing. I mean ta tell ya, Alex baby is belting out VAMBOOOOO, accompanied by their guitarist who was dressed in a clown outfit, combo The Joker/Pennywise the Dancing Clown with a voice like one of Sabrina’s witches.

Later, Alex’s mouth is stuffed with what later turned out to be L’eggs Panty Hose that he eventually put over his face (Mudlarks, don’t try this at home) and flagrantly displayed to the world how psychopathic he really was, a bank robber about to scare the living daylights with that hose over his face, with the idea that if you’re terrified of this demon on your TV screen, you’d fork over your money (I’d have given my paycheck I was going to cash at Milford National, anyway, don’t know ’bout you.) and be entertained to boot.

Damn, Coach Kaz might shroud his face with L’eggs Avocado Medium Size but it wouldn’t be entertaining and this plot would STILL be bizarre AND stupid. At least the audience applauded SAHB.

 

And what in the name of VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOO is the New Thayer coach talking about when he says sketchy characters???????? Is this another way of expressing “stick figures”? He’s been drinking so much of that stale Sam’s Choice Berry Cherry Soda with all the ensuing flies buzzing around it that it’s affecting his judgment?  I am really trying to be fair here.

But remember when we used to play Hangman and if you spelled the word out, your stick figure got the noose at high noon? Is ol’ Coach Sit-on-etc. insinuating that Tiki associated with the Hangman’s kids? Boy, the artwork has really hit the skids lately if we are to learn the truth in a few days. Let me come on in and draw Tiki’s friends. I’d win 1st Prize in the Stick Figure Competition at the Milford County Fair. Me, with my manila paper of 3 stick people trying to shove past the door greeters and security on Black Friday at Wal-Mart side-by-side with a couple a kids that won the Cow-Milking  Competition, wow. And all I had to do on the stick figure door greeter was draw a rectangle for his/her name badge. Piece of cake.

 

Shout-out to Tommy Stanford who works at the Fern Creek, Kentucky Taco Bell. He always has a smile on his face when a customer walks in and does EVERYTHING he can to please the customer. It’s a definite great experience when he takes your order. I like his professionalism and if you’re in the neighborhood, swing on by. Even though Taco Bell is a nationwide chain, Tommy makes it a Small Business atmosphere. And gang, you need to go where everybody knows your name. Give Tommy the business, gang. He deserves it.

 

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!”

A teenager almost spills his Triple Chunky Chocolate Bucket o’ Shake

“Is that Coach Thorp in that Bozo outfit????? Geez, no wonder why he can’t recruit ANYONE, let alone a punter.”

Yet, Gil and Coach Shaw soldier on, the center stage replacing the dancing area where the kids normally boogie. Right now, there’s a new band in town. They really need to up their VAMBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO since Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs are scheduled to appear next on their Comeback Tour. VAMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO getting outclassed by “Wooly, Booly”? Perish the thought. Plus Tiki will shock ’em later with the panty hose act.

“Man, I knew the Bucket Lobster Claw Plate ‘n’ Chips were hard to swallow, but Tiki’s REALLY havin’ a time of it. Think I ought a slip a glass of water?”

 

Okay, okay, Tiki in reality wasn’t associating with kindergarten-drawing characters (“Mommy, Mommy, look what I drawed, a stick figure getting his ass handed to him by Gil in his office!!!!!) so let’s rewind and see if we can figure out SKETCHY CHARACTERS once and for all. And the Amazing Kreskin is rummaging through his mind and interpreting this as a typo for SHADY CHARACTERS. Where else could Thorpiverse be leading us? Are Dagwood and Blondie SKETCHY CHARACTERS????? Sergeant Snorkel????? Man, the dude is too fat to be sketchy. And not too many SKETCHY CHARACTERS with one tooth in their mouths, much less making Beetle Bailey roadkill.

Soooooooooo, SHADY CHARACTERS it is. STILL, has Tiki been associating with Goodfellas??????? Is that why he runs to games, classes, the bathroom, etc. cuz this unmarked Cadillac Seville is chasing him because he failed to finish a job that he signed a contract for????? Does that mean if Marty Moon disappears suddenly (fingers crossed) from WDIG, Tiki fulfilled the terms of the contract and will show up on time for !st Period World Geography?????? Folks, I’m just going with what I’m seeing if we’re going to discuss SKETCHY CHARACTERS. So far, we’ve ruled out stick figures and Dennis the Menace but that’s about as much progress that we’ve made. Oh, and The Sopranos.

 

A HUGE shout-out to the poll workers who manned the voting booths at American Legion Post 42 in Floyds Knobs, Indiana this past Tuesday. When I walked in the place and saw the serpentine line, to be honest, I was understandably concerned. BUT the whole staff operated like clockwork and I was out in less than 1/2 an hour, from the end of the line to signing in to voting to putting my ballot in the box. And as a bonus, they saw over 1,000 voters exercise Democracy (I was about 3 voters down from the 1,000th voter) . Just as important it is to vote are the people who ENABLE US TO VOTE by all the procedures they follow to make this thing work. And you DEFINITELY made it work. I salute you all in making Freedom reign.

 

P1-“HICCUP!!!!!!!!! No, I don’t recall a Tiki (looking under the New Thayer Downs Racing Weekly) . I see a Kiki, naw, wait that’s Kiki Vandeweghe, that’s my ESPN Classic magazine, my bad,  (looks in his desk, shoves aside the Pringles), I saw a Thomas here on my roster BELLLCCCHHHH, Excuse me!!!!!!!! from ’98 but that was when we were doormats to you all, shoot, (scratching crotch, switches leg so that other leg can get a rest from the balancing act on his chair), I even looked on my plan book and couldn’t find any appointments with any sketchy characters, they must have gone to Apartment 3-G, well, (looking under his Jack Daniels in the top drawer next to his checkbook to make sure) , if I find any Tiki Jackson, I’ll holler. BTW, is he any kin to Tito or Janet or Michael? Can Tiki moonwalk?”

 

In response to a local McDonald’s issuing the edict “No profanity in this store!!!!!!!!”

 

“DAMN!!!!!!! My Bucket Buffalo Burger is medium-rare again!!!!!!!!!! The beef is redder than VAMBOOOOOO and who the Hell left the Bucket Chili Chipotle Fries in the deep fryer so long???? This 10W40 taste is making me puke and shit in the Bucket men’s room at the same time. And WTF made the Bucket Oreo Shake? These pieces look like deer droppings when me and Shaw go hunting. We’d find a 10-pointer for sure leaving these pieces of poop on the trail.”

“Gil!!!!!!!!! They’re issuing fines!!!!!!!!! Watch your language!!!!!!!!!”

“I said ‘poop.'”

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club auditions

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This plot has got me hypnotized!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ahhhhhh, that might work. As long as we can keep Gil’s face dabbed with Pond’s Cold Cream between sets, he can always fake the Gibson guitar. And thank God, the Milford Shriners were willing to donate a clown costume. He might struggle with the clown shoes since he wears a size 12 and they’re size 11’s but I understand the leather stretches.  And we’ll just lip-synch the high notes for Gil. But, Shaw, no way we’re using a Jazz guitar on this number.”

“But VAMMMMMMMMNBBBBBBBBOOOOOO was Joe Pass’s favorite number!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Metes Out $10,000 Fine To Coach Kaz Over Profanity Allegedly Uttered This Past Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that the cooks must have substituted cow manure for meatballs in the Bucket o’ Marinaded Spaghetti.”

 

If ya actually git rewarded with a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich coupon cuz ya got a little carried away with talkin’ about that whopper of a swordfish ya caught at Mudlark Lake cuz the McD’s manager is yore fishin’ buddy and completely kin relate, ya might be a redneck.

 

WHO SHOW COACH SHAW?????????

VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Naw, couldn’t have been him. He sings like the Wicked Witch of the West but witnesses saw him at his Fraternal Order of Clowns meeting at the corner table at Milford Lounge.”

 

Gang, comment away. Looks like we’ll be learning a lot about mythology if Thor’s lightning bolt in P2 is any indication. Ahhhhh, enough thinking. I’m going with Gil and Kaz on the tour of the Washington Monument in P3. The next tour is due up at 3:00PM. Can’t wait to see the Potomac.

 

At Gil’s home at 11:30 one night, Mimi can’t sleep and is reading Danielle Steele while jammin’ on the turntable to Clifford Brown (You died too early, Clifford, My Man) . She is overwhelmed by one of Steele’s dresses on the back cover. Suddenly, behind the Motorola Console, a man with steel netting over his visage rises up and acts like one of the ghosts from Scooby-Doo.

VAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO

“GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, it’s just me. I thought the shock might circulate the blood and get you tired. It’s lonely sleeping with Dino.  His farts are a bit too juicy.”

“FIRST REMOVE THE CLOWN MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!”

 

At The Bucket cashier

“Ma’am, did some idiot scoop this Bucket o’ Teenie Weenie Wieners and Spaghetti O’s Kiddie Plate out of a Ken’L Ration can????? My daughter had to scurry to the Emergency Room at Milford General and my son has a rash. How can you sell this Bucket o’ Shit?”

Suddenly, a police siren and flashers appear through the window.

ONE ADAM-12 ONE ADAM-12 WE HAVE A CODE 291 IN PROGRESS AT THE BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!

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7 Comments »

  1. Well that really helps move the story along huh? Sketchy characters? What the fuck does that have to do with anything, much less where he lives, who he lives with, or whether or not he’s eligible as a resident of Milford, city proper. So we fart away another week doing essentually the same thing, while the playdowns march on in real time. My state is in Round 3 this weekend. And theyve played what, 3 games? 4? Sheesh.

    Everyone runs around with sketchy characters in high school whether they live in Tin Buck Two or Milford. What a waste of a phone call.

    AND—HOW THE HELL DOES REDMOND KNOW HE RAN AROUND WITH SKETCHY CHARACTERS IF HE DIDNT SEE HIM AT ALL LAST YEAR???? JESUS MARY JOSEPH!!!!

    Comment by robmize2013 — November 8, 2018 @ 7:51 pm

  2. Or is Tiki actually 35 and impersonating a high school student?
    I’ll take anything to either get some slightest semblance of action, plot development, or just lurching into basketball season.

    Comment by Prof. Anthrax — November 8, 2018 @ 9:03 pm

  3. Sketchy characters, eh? They probably hang out at The Walk Her Inn in West Allis, Wisconsin. Well, if she can’t walk out, Drag Her Out. I hope they have Punk Rock Caveman Living in a Prehistoric Age on the jukebox. What a bunch of candy asses!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 8, 2018 @ 9:20 pm

  4. I like how Coach Redmond’s body is bent at an almost impossible angle and… best of all… his feet are hovering in midair.

    Comment by jvwalt — November 9, 2018 @ 7:55 am

  5. Coach “Beer Can” Redmond too drunk to remember jack shit about this kid. If this story follows the pattern of last year’s asinine Ricky Soto story, it won’t wrap up until December 30 or so. Doubt that this is the only kid that lives out of district. Here in Illinois, it’s a huge problem and most schools don’t have the resources to track down all the offenders.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 9, 2018 @ 8:18 am

  6. At least they’re openly admitting they’re “sketchy”, so that’s progress I guess.

    Comment by hitorque — November 9, 2018 @ 9:13 am

  7. WOW GANG, SUPER JOB ON THE COMMENTS!!!!!!!!!! You beat the “sketchy” concept pillar to post and I ain’t even gonna try to match what was said here today. I’ll keep standing by you people as the best commentators in the business in comparison to other blogs cuz, believe me, I read the other blogs and they don’t even compare.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, PLEASE REMEMBER OUR VETERANS!!!!!!!!!! I would personally like to remember my step-dad, Gabe Feltner, Jr. for his services as a U.S. Navy Veteran during World War II and my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin for his services as a U.S. Army Veteran as a cook during World War I. Without their and other Veterans’ sacrifices and commitments, we couldn’t enjoy our Freedoms. Personally, I can do this blog because my step-dad and grandfather did the right thing. And if you can, take 5 minutes out of your schedule to thank 1 VETERAN a day. They need it.

    Let’s help Ned tomorrow and continue to burn sketchy characters at the stake.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 11, 2018 @ 3:32 pm


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