This Week in Milford

November 29, 2018

Siskel And Ebert Gave This A Thumbs-Down

Filed under: ?, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 5:37 pm

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And we know something else. Tiki has been using a liberal supply of Oxy-5 and a ton of sandpaper for his Mt. Rushmore face if P2 is any indication. And speaking of smiling for the camera as Robmize mentioned in his post the other day, gadzooks, Tiki is flashin’ them pearly whites for all the world to see. I suppose when you and Encyclopedia
Brown have solved The Case of the Malodorous Thugs, you deserve to show the world you used Colgate and Turtle Wax. His teeth are glossier than a Classic ‘vette at the Milford Car Show held in the Wendy’s parking lot behind Milford Beverage Warehouse.

 

“If Bugs Meany and that ignorant Joe Schmuck with the black cap had been telling the truth, this plot would have ended weeks ago. Plus Schmuck claimed he had Gil’s hair which gave him an excuse to kick the shit out of Tiki as there really wasn’t any other reason valid enough to keep the readers stimulated. Schmuck was obviously grasping at straws and when Encyclopedia noticed that Schmuck indicated reputed grasping by grabbing his crotch in desperation(plus he really had to take a whiz somewhere and had to really go bad, preferably by the time the answer section in the back of Encyclopedia Brown reader had made its point) and also that if Schmuck had Gil’s hair, his cap would have expanded like Jiffy-Pop and popcorn would have been scattering all over the ground. Trapped in their own lies, Bugs confessed that the plot wasn’t worth the bucket of spit someone hockers into an ash tray in the smoking section at The Bucket and that he brought Joe Schmuck along hoping to bring some excitement to this dead horse. Bugs realized that The Joker and his gang or some sorry-ass version of The Crips and The Bloods really wasn’t going to spike readership interest, evidently what Bugs was driving at since he really couldn’t whup Sally Kimball and repeated attempts at the effort, including dumping a cement loader of Morton Salt in her swimming pool, pouring distilled water into the Chemlawn formula to make the lawn a bad excuse for primary colors, setting a time bomb in her dad’s riding mower, nuking her basement and ruining the family photo albums had all failed so Bugs got desperate. Joe Schmuck disapperaed and will never be seen again, Gil’s hair was returned to Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum, and the gang of unknowns went over to Gasoline Alley as extras, background people when Walt and Skeezix are at Corky’s Diner discussing how bad this plot got with no relief in sight.”

 

 

A shout-out to Craig Holt of Louisville, Kentucky. Craig goes to work every day enthusiastically and never slows up at the end of the day. His work ethic is excellent and they speak highly of him up in the front office and among his co-workers. If you’re down and depressed, you won’t be for long when you’re around him. He always makes my day. He will for you too. He is always there to help a person in need for even the smallest thing. Compassion, intelligence, solid worker. You got the ingredients, My Man. And my respect. God Bless You.

 

We’re done with this plot

And the aborted free-for-all

Idiot’s not playing

Any frickin’ football

 

That’s a drag

Hit a snag

 

I remember Days of Gil

Back in ’74

The pigskin days

Were obsessed with the score

 

Not any more

What a bore

 

Can’t they shift the Jets ‘n’ Sharks

Over to Wizard of Id

Arlo & Janis

or even Rose is Roooooossssseeeeee

God forbid

 

I’ve had enouggghhhhhhh

All the young fools(Hey fools)

Carry the news(Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you)

Bun-gle-ing boobs(Get on with basketball, forChristsake)

Carry the news(And,Tiki, take off that yarmulke, you’re being reinstated, not at a Bar Mitzvah)

 

A conversation between Dr. Pearl and Gil Thorp

“Now I must go and get on Gil”

Get your mind out of the gutter, gang. If you’d been reading “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” by Lynne Truss, you’d have known that Dr. Pearl has a husband and has no interest in Coach Thorp. Mimi is saved for yet another night.

Here’s the corrected version

“Now I must go and get on, Gil.”

Nope, this sexual tryst was not to be, arousing controversy for a plot badly in need of one, if only for the readers’ interest, let alone sanity. Instead, Dr. Pearl and Gil could prattle on about the 1908 Cubs but Dr. Pearl’s Ladies Night Out at the Milford Bingo Hall with her husband can’t wait. Leave the light on in the hallway when you leave Gil, er, leave, Gil.

BTW, “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” is DEFINITE required reading for you aspiring writers. VERY indispensible. Don’t start your literary career without it.

“Mimi has pimples on her butt; she uses dental floss to scrape The Bucket Liver Cheeseburger bits out of her teeth.”

Again, she doesn’t have tattoos on her derriere either as Gil insists. Well, I haven’t seen her at the Milford Tattoos and More parlor recently, so I believe her.

Anyhoo, the corrected version

“Mimi has pimples on her. But she uses dental floss to scrape The Bucket Liver Cheeseburger bits out of her teeth.”

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, P1 is just absolutely, positively ridiculous. Hello, Joe and Tiki, this is a sports comic strip, not Siskel and Ebert.

“I thought Gil, with that smile in P3, reminded me of that flunkee that followed around Napoleon when he was pursuing Bugs Bunny all over Versailles. It added texture to the plot.”

“I disagree, Gene. Gil’s too flat and Kaz isn’t helping, spending more time playing Atari with Gil than conceiving of any real football action.”

“Roger, I’ll give you that this plot is an abysmal failure and should be shot at dawn along with Czar Nicholas in Novosibirsk somewhere but there are brownie points you haven’t taken into consideration. Kaz is simply trying to solidify his relationship by guiding Gil with the joystick when negotiating one of those worthless race cars on Al Unser’s Fantasy Racing at the Indy 500.”

“Well, if he is, He and his brother Bobby ought to start their own hobby shop because Kaz is not a factor and his worth to the plot reminds me of those plastic fish heads the dancers were wearing in ‘Godzilla versus The Smog Monster’.”

“You drive a mean bargain but unfortunately a rebuttal is not to be as our time is just about up. Both Roger and I gave ‘Gil Versus The Rug Rats Disguised As A Harley Motorcycle Gang’ a Thumbs Down. That’s all the time we have. We’ll see you next week at the movies.”

 

You done ruined the season

With movies and Tiki

I hope you’re happy

Cuz that’s pretty cheeky

 

Have you no shame

There’s no game

 

Gil and Kaz are in the room

Gettin’ down on Rolling Stones

They can’t get enough

Of Elvis clones

 

Get a life

Sez your wife

 

Dr. Pearl is bound to show up

Any old time

Wondering why

You’re not on classroom time

Teaching Lifetime Frisbee

Underwater Phys Ed

or Advanced Spelunkinnnngggggggggggg

 

I’m just about to barf

All the young fools(Yeah, YOU, fools)

Carry the news(What’re you doing at Blockbuster Video?)

Bun-gle-ing Boobs(Couldn’t whup those bullies that pick on Bart Simpson?-and Joe’s the Second Coming of the VideoHound)

Got the wrong tools(And this plot is a WOOF!!!!!!!!)

 

Gil said “Kaz, you’re a real pussy. My great-grandmother Thorp could have fought those losers.”

Now if you’ve been doing the required reading of “Eats, Shoots & Leaves”, like I assigned in class, gang, you’d KNOW that this isn’t correct. Gil doesn’t own a cat.

Gil exclaimed “Kaz, your Siamese is a real pussy. BTW, my great grand piano owned by my mother got frothed in the car wash by those hosers.”

 

And do I have to beat this in the ground? I mean, c’mon, those smiles are just beggin’ for Looney Tune satire as long as we’re going to stomach another episode of “Gil Thorp, P.I.”.

“Kaz, did you get the photo of that one gang member who photo was seen in all the post offices all over Milford?”

“Ummmmmmmmmm…”

“Well, did you, yes or no?”

“No, I lost them when I tripped and fell and they got wedged in the piano keys, the same one that went down the chute at the car wash.”

This is Looney Tunes, keep in mind. Gil is a guest star(permanent, when you think about it).

Gil is boiling mad and gets his 16-foot rifle w/saber and tells Kaz to bend over out by the flagpole out front.

“I hate this.”

STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-woo-hoo-hoo…

Dr. Pearl, on the second floor in a staff meeting with the Foreign Language Department looks out the window and is wondering why Coach Kaz is jumping 85 feet in the air.

Well, at least Tiki escaped.

 

The Stepford Wives invade Milford

“I need you to run the clock the rest of the season. You all play a shit-ass 5-game schedule anyway. Coach Luhm can take over.”

“Oh, Gil, I will follow your football and basketball teams from Samaria to Judea unto the ends of the earth. Your coaching is the end-all and I was just baby-sitting. Who’s going to be Luhm’s asistant?”

“Daffy Duck.”

“I can think of no better choice. When she’s not vegetating in Ms. Rizk’s room, digging up stories fit for Better Homes & Gardens, she’s feisty, she’s fair, and, by God, she’s Milford Incarnate.”

“Fine. You know where there’s an outlet to plug the timer?”

“Oh, thou art Atman, Gil. It is situated next to the drinking fountain.”

 

Mrs. Andrews, one evening at home.

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

 

“Gil, this is Tod. What was the number of Milford Robotics?”

 

“…and that’ll wrap things up here in Blooming’s Ton, where the Hosers defeat the De La Warre Blue Hens in the Hoser Holly-Day Classic by a score of 90:52. For Max Skirvin, this is Don Fischer, so long everybody.”

Okay, gang, a few more spelling errors but the song remains the same.

READ THE DAMN BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Dustin Howard, of Louisville, Kentucky, for his help with this idea. Dustin is a good man and has a nifty sense of humor. It DEFINITELY helped here.

 

All right, gang. You know the drill. BTW, I can’t wait for the sequel to Tiki: The Lost Generation. Ahhhhhhhh, think I’d rather switch to basketball.

 

Football is over

In all of the states

High schools are switching sports

At a phenomenal rate

 

Oh, not Gil

Never will

 

Someday Gil will learn

This is not Leonard Maltin

This is just a lukewarm version

Of John-Boy Walton

 

Act your age

Leave the stage

 

Someone’s got me glued

To this merry-go-round

Can’t I get off and ride the

Wild Mouse

The Ferris Wheel

I’ll even settle for the kiddie bumper carrrrsssssssss

 

All the young fools(If the cleat fits, wear it)

Carry the news(That the name of Gil is proclaimed and he coaches actors, not players)

Bum-ble-ing boobs(They really can’t even act either, better go back to touch football)

You have no clue(Did Tank McNamara ever report sports news for Entertainment Weekly?)

 

All the young fools(ALL THE YOUNG FOOLS)

Carry the news(TAKE THIS NEWS TO THE DUMPSTER)

Bum-ble-ing boobs(PLAYING MONOPOLY AND TRYING TO FIGURE HOW TO PAY THE PARK PLACE BILL IS MORE EXCITING THAN THIS)

Your screws are all loose(PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, GO TO MILFORD TRUE-VALUE HARDWARE AND TIGHTEN THEM)

 

All the young fools…

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7 Comments »

  1. I one time knew a guy who had a fat grey cat named Ebert and a skinny brown cat named Siskel. True story.

    Comment by timbuys — November 29, 2018 @ 6:02 pm

  2. So three months ago, when this all started, with this meaningless and uninteresting plot lines, there was apparently a plan from day one to tie everything together at the end, with Filmmaker the Reluctant Punter doing a docudrama to show the answer to several sort-of mysteries, and why it’s OK that Tiki Tiki Bang Bang was claiming a fraudulent address and playing for a school where he didn’t live. KThxBai.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 29, 2018 @ 8:50 pm

  3. @Moon Mullins: At least that explains why Gilberto started off the season by switching his perfectly fine punter to long-snapper (despite the fact that he’d spent all summer evaluating his players’ individual skills and abilities, and despite the fact that it’s *MUCH* easier to teach someone to long-snap instead of punt consistently)… Because without that, none of these events would have ever been set in motion.

    Comment by hitorque — November 30, 2018 @ 9:38 am

  4. 1. God damn it, Rubin… I guess congratulations are in order for keeping your Cal Ripken-esque “Every seasonal plot has sucked harder than its predecessor” streak alive for an unprecedented fifth year…

    2. So… Jackass-style “gotcha” videos, lies and extortion?? You just KNOW that Kommisar Gilberto gets the warm fuzzies all inside when his boys emulate the proud example he sets…

    Comment by hitorque — November 30, 2018 @ 9:44 am

  5. 3. I love how Tiki’s reputation is still somehow above reproach despite this being his former crew… For all we know he could be tired of being #2 and wants to break off to run his own shit….

    Comment by hitorque — November 30, 2018 @ 12:19 pm

  6. Hitorque, do you think Tiki might be holding out for a better deal from Barzini or the Rosato brothers?

    Comment by don vaganova — November 30, 2018 @ 4:27 pm

  7. WOW GANG Another great day for comments. Moon Mullins, LOVED Tiki Tiki Bang Bang and your sense of humor is priceless. You always weigh in with the gems. Hitorque, don’t ever change, My Man. Your observations were hilarious and you can puncture The Hindenburg with your commentary better than anyone I’ve seen. Vaganova, you know I always love your contributions and today was no exception. Baby, I LMAO at your unfortunately-acute-and-true observation. Like “Rawhide”, keep those babies rollin’, Big Guy. And Timbuys, thank you for all your help with the videos like today. They definitely accentuate the post. His help is ALWAYS appreciated and a HUGE round of thanks is in order. Tim’s insights, such as today, not to mention his articles and tips keep TWIM flyin’ high.

    Gang, I won’t lie, comments always fill the ego. But ego does no good if we don’t have Democracy and Free Speech. Your contributions to any one of the Twim writers keep America headed in the right direction. YOU deserve a HUGE round of thanks to that end.
    Now, C’mon, help Ned tomorrow keep Gil on the run with this inane plot. Too much yammering for me, as Teenchy mentions. Whattya think?

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 2, 2018 @ 3:22 pm


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