This Week in Milford

December 4, 2018

Fist Bumps At The IMAX, Anyone?

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 5:09 pm

120418

Everybody’s high-fivin’ and singing at the top of their lungs, Queen’s “We Are The Champions”. They were previously foot-stompin’ Queen’s prelude “We Will Rock You”. Yes, the blood, sweat, and tears that one must expend to ensure victory at the Milford Bijou…wait a minute, did you think I was talking about Milford’s games with Tilden and Valley? Sure, they haven’t played them yet, but I’m like Zig Ziglar and his “See You at the Top” positive-thinking literature, you gotta see the reaching. And I’m seeing it now as the football players have reached Nirvana after another successful night at the theater, the movie being sold out. Victory is assured and in this case is already in the bag. Yeah, yeah, it wasn’t an Academy Award production, “Gil’s Football Plot Gets Buried Alive at Macchu Pichu on The Planet of the Apes”, but the Milford Nature Center was closed(unless you’ve been to Milford Community College and taken “Nocturnal Hiking 202”, taught by Marjie Ducey) and the football players were too old for the playground plus the team drew a bye for the week due to Plot Constipation and they had to go SOMEWHERE. Plus, doesn’t Kaz look macho in an ape outfit, fighting Aldo for who’s going to be running the  freshman football team until they dig out Coach Shaw out of the ruins?

 

“I will go to Caesar and he will decide who’s fit to coach!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

If ya plow yore 4-wheel drive thru tha gate at the Milford IMAX Drive-In Theater cuz they’z handin’ out free Buds and Mick-ee-Lobes and ya want a front row spot cuz ya heard “Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie” wuz playin’ and yore dyin’ ta see Boss Hogg bendin’ over ta give a ticket and his crack bein’ displayed in 3-D and in Panaromic 360 Wide Screen, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Coach Kaz, AGAIN, a pop quiz (or surprise quiz as you like to call it, the other 99.9999999% of the teachers whoever existed call it a POP QUIZ) is one you’re NOT EXPECTING. Okay, if you can’t stand to catch them off-guard because your Billy Graham-inspired sermon you listened to compelled you to warn them (“Why send a poor defenseless student to perdition if they weren’t warned to memorize The Bill of Rights? Remember, your World Geography students perish for lack of knowledge.”) , fine by me. But tell them a quiz is coming and leave it at that. We’re having enough trouble sorting through the ashes that is this plot without having to experience the same semantical miasma the students must be facing. You can’t pop the question if the other person is expecting it. Sure, when Gil popped the question to Mimi, I’m sure she had a rough idea what he was going to ask. Still, Gil could have asked “Mimi, do you know if the Milford Garbage truck schedule has been changed? I have a whole lot of bags of aluminum cans in the basement to get rid of.” Rest my case.

 

A HUGE shout-out to Bridgett Fowler of Louisville, Kentucky for all her services as a manager at Family Dollar for many years. She gave great customer service and motivated her employees to do the same and the store kicked some booty as a result. She endured a couple of robberies, not to mention shoplifters(many of whom were caught and sent to Justice) and came out ahead. She is now raising her grandchild and doing a great job with that. He is going to school and doing VERY well. She has a lot to do with that. She’s earned a salute from me, gang. God Bless You, Bridgett.

 

 

Don’t look now, but Benita Butrell is headin’ to Milford. She’s in the teacher’s lounge at MHS.

“Did you know I saw Gil messin’ around with Ms. Rizk up in the Journalism room? He waits in the art supply room until Daffy Duck gets her assignment to Beirut or Djakarta or wherever and then he makes his move. Oh, the grunts that woman gives out. Sounds like Elsie the Cow in heat. Now I know why Elsie looks so happy on the Borden milk carton. But I’m not one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me.”

Sorry, gang, just taking Kaz’s statement in P1 and using “In Living Color” sketches to run with it. I LOVE Keenan Ivory Wayans’ humor and found a place to express my love. Expect more of the same in the future.

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkk, gang, Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the plate for another Match Game 2018 question. Here we goooooooo, take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (Brett Somers leads the crowd as conductor HOW DUMB WAS SHE?????????) , she thought the football plot was going to end before_______________”

 

And talk about a puzzle wrapped up in an enigma. And I thought I have seen it all in my millions of years following Coach T. What is P3 supposed to convey?????? That Thorpiverse knows how to draw like Frida Kahlo, using paint-by-numbers???????

You old-times remember the inaugural Night Gallery that had in its repertoire a Steven Spielberg episode called “Eyes”, about a rich baroness in the heart of New York City who is blind and desperately wants sight? Mr. Spielberg arguably started his success there after successfully directing Joan Crawford who reputedly could be difficult to direct. Anyway, there was another episode in the trilogy (the 3rd called “The Cemetery” with Roddy McDowell and Ossie Davis) called “The Escape Route” which was about an ex-Nazi hiding out in, I believe, Argentina, trying to avoid his Jewish captors. He frequents this art museum and spots this painting of this fisherman in a boat on a lake with beautiful mountains and scenery in the background. What’s scary is the fisherman bears an eerie resemblance to Josef Strobe (YO-sef STRO-buh, played by Richard Kiley) , the ex-Nazi’s name.

He tries day after day to will himself into the picture to get away from his pursuers, one night desperately begging to be a part of the landscape and actually succeeds. One problem. The painting was on loan so he winds up in this picture of someone getting crucified, the art officials investigating, since Strobe entered the museum after hours, hearing a soft scream of terror. They turn around where they think it is coming from and of course see Strobe in his horrible condition, trapped in a painting he will endure perhaps forever.

Why don’t we put Coach Kaz in that same painting since there’s no caption in P3 anyway? Why waste paper on an 8 x 10 in matte finish and leave it that when we can put some life into a dead fish? Staring at the cue light looking stupid? Hang on the cross, Kaz. Let’s FINALLY get some excitement if we’re gonna drag this plot in the Iditarod Race. Might take all the sled dogs in Alaska to pull this one through The Last Frontier.

 

“Please, Gil, GET ME IN THAT PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, I promise, we’re gonna do a retake of the 2014 team. I remember when you were on vacation in Papua New Guinea.”

 

 

Another HUGE shout-out to Carla Grant and her son, DeAndre and Anna Wooldridge.

Carla has raised DeAndre to be a healthy adult and did so with a vengeance. She has spent a lot of time with him and though DeAndre is confined to a wheelchair, Carla has expected people to treat him no better or worse than anyone else. They go shopping together, they do all kinds of activities together, they travel together, and I commend Carla for taking the time to make DeAndre a responsible person. Her strong faith In God inspired me among the many things I learned from her that day. I hope to see her again and learn some more. God Bless You, Carla and DeAndre.

Then Anna, you have decided to get busy living after you were in the hospital for a while and have decided to go back to work. You could have taken disability and been content but Wal-Mart is your official work station because you know God isn’t done with you yet. You have inspired me to Do The Right Thing by never giving up. And it’s paid off. You make America run, My Friend. Without you, the labor pool is a lot less. May God Bless You.

 

 

“We’re here in the Milford Nature Area where Marty Moon and Peaches have agreed to stay 21 days, butt naked, out in the wild. We will closely monitor the two as they come to grips with the wilds. They are venturing into the unknown that only people captured in flying saucers could witness and relate in the Milford Enquirer. Time will tell if they can survive the jungles of the MNA. Tarzan is not here to help them. God help them.”

This portion of the program has been brought to you by

Milford Beverage Warehouse. Stock up on your favorite liquors with Christmas coming around the corner. We have plenty to pass around with all your relatives coming into town. And for all your tee-totalers, we now have Dasani Bottled Water in aisle 12 in 12-packs, next to Dewars Scotch Label. Hey, everybody can have a good time and not worry about the egg nog getting spiked. And now accepting EBT cards. Welfare and food stamp recipients can experience The Good Life at Christmas also. Milford Beverage Warehouse, where alcohol is Grade A.”

And by

Milford Men’s Clinic. Where our charges are cheap but effective and require no battery cables. Nice to get up and go, especially in bed. Wives seem to think so. Come see why.

Day 1

“Marty and Peaches both undress at the trailhead of the Dutch Elm Tree Trail. Named after a gigantic elm tree that got devoured  by termites after SEVERAL people had carved their initials on the tree, there is a marker there to commemorate the specimen(“James Watt Memorial Sapling”).

Both are ready to take the wild. Marty has just taken his last Breath-Mint(doesn’t want to offend the wildebeests) and is ready for action. Peaches is nervous but still reasonably confident. The brontosauruses are reported to be munching on vegetation on the other side of the nature area and should pose no threat.

Marty and Peaches part company. They will be allowed to reunite after 10 days but for now they pursue different legs of the trail. As part of the agreement, they must spend at least 2 hours each day off the trails to intensify their contact with the elements unknown.

They are allowed 1 backpack with food taking up no more than 1/2 the space. A water bottle is allowed but can only be used to drink from the streams, ponds, lakes, etc. in the nature area. A flashlight is also allowed with an extra change of batteries but THAT IS IT. If the batteries fail, tough luck. Good thing Marty brought his Harbor Freight Tools pocket flashlight that he got at a yard sale which he uses when he’s having trouble reading the copy in the press box.”

Day 3

“Marty spots an alligator. He has run off the beaten path and this is the result. He eats his Nature’s Finest of Milford Granola Bar Blueberry in nervousness. Fortunately, the alligator, as is their wont, is lazy and can find better humans to chew on. Marty’s snake meat status arouses no interest in the gator. Marty will survive the swamp and run to safety by the old abandoned railroad track that the Milford & Oakwood Express operated during the Hoover years. He will sit on one of the railroad ties and devour another one of his 236 granola bars he has crammed  in his backpack, wedged in with his Mott’s Apple Juice Reduced Fat, satisfied that the gator will be chowing on an injured Mudlark that lost its way.

Peaches, meanwhile, is in a little cubby hole, a forest glen, if you will. She can see the moon beams spray down upon her, tempted to get a tan. Hey, the Coppertone ad may have shown Spot pulling on some poor little girl’s bikini and exposing her butt, BUT Peaches needs no dog out here to display her birthday suit. Besides, I think Alvin & the Chipmunks helper her undress before they ran back in the woods to escape the lions and the leopards. Can’t be too careful. Shame she forgot the lotion. She gets out her Pillsbury Brown ‘n’ Serve rolls that she is baking over a camp fire. She snuck the Black Diamond matches past the Nature security guard. She forgot the Blue Bonnet butter(left it in the front seat where it will melt on her Milford Mutual checkbook) and is forced to seek desperate measures. She milks a raccoon and instantaneously spreads the faux-Chiffon on her rolls. What a way to say it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”

 

“Christmas is right around the corner and before you know it, you’ll be caught off guard on December 25 with Christmas Dinner full of chicken n’ dumplings, turkey, plum pudding, Waldorf salad, roast beast, Yorkshire hams, green beans, apple cobbler, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, fruit cake, plenty of dinner rolls but no beer.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When Mimi and I forgot to stock the cellar with alcoholic beverages one year, we practically had to call out the Milford National Guard to stem the riot. Fortunately, they had some beer, wine, and a few bottles of Jack behind the seats of their Humvees that they generously donated so that they could go back to the armory and celebrate once again. We dodged a bullet, pardon the pun. But it doesn’t have to be this way. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, they have a wide selection of Beer, ranging from Budweiser to Blatz to Lowenbrau to Gerst. There are so many more to name so you’ll have to check them out and avert your own disaster. Plus plenty of wine, especially from right here in our neck of the woods, Milford Valley. Golly gee, my lips just smack on Milford Valley  Prune Surprise and does it give me a run for my money. It’s Christmas and I’m not gonna let gastrointestinal infections rule the day. Plus plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts in case you run out of Planters in the appetizer bowl. And if you buy $100 worth of merchandise, you’ll receive a free gift card from Budweiser good for $25 on your next outing and it even has Spuds McKenzie designed on the card. Some things never get old.  Come surprise yourself and see what Milford Beverage Warehouse has to offer. Now accepting EBT cards. Marty won’t have to worry whether his ATM card will max out. He can enjoy The Good Life and still be a snake. You can too and you’re not a snake. You won’t be disappointed.”

Day 7

“Peaches concocts some Hot Cream o’ Wheat she crammed up her butt, the packets a bit uncomfortable when the mosquitos are buzzing. She couldn’t fit ’em in here backpack because of all her Avon products.

 

Marty has learned not to apply Skin Bracer (I can hear the crickets chirping “Byyyyyy Mennen”) in the outdoors. He is besieged by a fraternity of horseflies while he is foraging for water. He is maniacally swatting them with his Mr. Coffee Courtesy Cup he received by FedEx when he bought 10,000 Mr. Coffee filters. Some people will walk a mile for a Camel. Anyway, the horseflies spot a deer carcass and pursue henceforth.”

 

To be continued

 

Gang, comment away. I am going to try to deprogram Gil. After hearing the 23rd Milford Men’s Clinic commercial while listening to WDIG Sports Talk Radio (“Moon in the Morning”) , Gil is in a trance.

Mimi is ready for the Romantic Moment on the verandah

“Gil, I love you. How long have we been married? 33 years? How long had we been seeing each other? Since Nixon’s 1st term in office? Or was it LBJ, give or take Alf Landon?”

HAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE KRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAAAA,

HAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE KKKRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIISSSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAA, HAAAAAAA…

 

“Y’know, I saw Joe Bolek in the film room beatin’ off on the IMAX screen. he was really feelin’ ecstasy, especially after he was gettin’ his jollies off those nude photos of Daffy Duck and Dr. Pearl. But I ain’t one to gossip, so ya didn’t hear it from me.”

 

Love ya, Benita.

 

 

My Sweet Lord

Vishnu Lama

My Sweet Lord

Shiva Dharma

 

Kaz walks into Gil’s office

“Gil, have you been listening to Marty again? I turned it off after what he said about Coach Shaw’s wife’s lack of athleticism.”

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7 Comments »

  1. …HER UTERUS FELL OUT!!! OHHHHH!! Bet you didn’t know the Dice Man was ever on Match Game. Maybe the newer version. A student assistant must be teaching Kaz’s class. What a Moe Ron.
    Tdrew have you ever been to Wicks pizza in Louisville? One of the best pizzas I ever had. They really pile on the toppings. Been about 10 years since I was there.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — December 4, 2018 @ 7:56 pm

  2. How unfair, telling the kids they have to get to Macchu Picchu by tomorrow for a pop quiz. They can’t possibly get there, except maybe Joe Bolek. Judging by his film-nerd boycave, his parents probably have a private jet at their beck and call.

    Comment by jvwalt — December 5, 2018 @ 7:09 am

  3. Kaz looks pretty retarded in P3, too much to be a real teacher.

    Comment by franku2016 — December 5, 2018 @ 10:15 am

  4. Appreciate the In Living Color reference, tdrew. This arc has been begging for some “Men on Film” shout-outs but I’ve wondered how appropriate they’d be in this day and age. I’ll give your post two snaps in Z formation.

    Comment by teenchy — December 5, 2018 @ 12:12 pm

  5. 1. Like any film snob worth his salt would ever discuss film with a normal… Explaining the infinite number of ways we can break down the mise-en-scene of “The Longest Yard” to our intellectual inferiors bores us (unless of course we’re explaining it to our date, but that’s not an issue because we never go out on dates)

    2. God damn it would it kill Kazuo to get rid of those fuckin’ sideburns? At any other real school students would have constantly clowned him.

    3. Dude… HE’S A GODDAMNED PUNTER! HE HAS ONE FUCKING JOB ANYONE CAN DO, SO QUIT FLUFFING HIS EGO!

    Comment by hitorque — December 5, 2018 @ 6:07 pm

  6. Ah, the Night Gallery movie pilot. Good selection, TDrew.

    Comment by Prof. Anthrax — December 6, 2018 @ 6:54 am

  7. TERRIFIC COMMENTS, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jive Turkey, LOVED your answer on the Match Game. What’s funny is that would have been an answer from one of the celebrities, maybe a neophyte like Patty Deutsch or McLean Stevenson, not from Richard Dawson who was mainstream for the most part in his answers, in my view anyway. Either way, You have the gist of things and that’s kinda sorta what I’m looking for. You have the concept, My Man. And YES I have been to Wick’s Pizza and I love the great pizza and food in general while you can watch your favorite team play or catch up on the local gossip with your friends and buddies without feeling like some sleazy tavern. Great place to go.
    John Walters, your subtle humor weighs in again and really sticks it to this plot. Your comments are ALWAYS welcome, especially you a nifty eye for the funny bone.
    Frank, LOVE your hard hat approach. You come in and take no prisoners and it’s FUNNY along the way. Keep giving Gil and Co. the sledge hammer. We need it.
    Teenchy, thanks for the kind acknowledgement. I want to start including more “In Living Color” because I miss the show, it was so darn funny. Your award was clever and on-point. But i wouldn’t expect any less from you. They were hilarious, i swear, and I’m glad you brought them back.
    Hitorque, never change, My Man. You are at the speed of light the entire time you are blogging and I always enjoy your high energy. Gil never knows what hits him. Maybe that’s the idea.
    And Anthrax, thanks again for the kind words. I was lying in wait for when to use this priceless classic and today proved to be the day and I hope the readership understands. What better way to kill this plot than with 3 episodes that included people on the edge of their careers(Joan Crawford), on the start of their careers(Steven Spielberg, Ossie Davis), and people still going strong(Richard Kiley, Sam Jaffe). Gil had no chance(ha).

    You all make Democracy and Free Speech work, gang. And when it’s funny in the process(such as today), it’s icing along the way. Let Freedom Ring.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 10, 2018 @ 4:05 pm


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