This Week in Milford

December 18, 2018

Mediocrity-Good To The Last Drop

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek — tdrewhardin @ 4:27 pm

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…and The Rolling Stones will kick off their 2019 World Wide Tour in New Thayer (“Gimme Shelter” with the NT thugs as back-up vocals for Mick-priceless) while The Who, if they promise to pay for the damages at Oakwood Holiday Inn (shoulda seen the damages caused by Loonie Moonie to the toilet and swimming pool when he rammed his limo into both) will be performing in the city of the same.

And I confess I  am not terribly familiar with Tish Minojosa but she sounds groovy. Alarm bells go off when this is Thorpiverse’s way of recovering coo’ points (RIP, Stuart Scott) , basically an admission that this plot really needs to stay on the ground cuz it ain’t in no condition to fly. Gang, you can’t put elephant poop into Glad Sandwich bags.

A BIG shout-out goes to Raysean Butler who sold me the phone I am using now. He was VERY patient with me and REALLY knew his stuff. Don’t try to sneak a curve past him, he’ll crush your hanging curve on somebody’s roof at Wrigley. He was very shrewd and I walked out of the store feeling VERY good about my purchase. A nice guy as well, check him out at Valley Station Wal-Mart and see for yourself. You won’t be disappointed.

 

And gang, P2 will just never get past Larry Tate. Remember those crotchety clients Darrin Stephens had to put up with, you know, you couldn’t sell water to them in the Sahara? Then Darrin would have a brilliant answer, many times enlisting the aid of Samantha (often tweaking her lips) , and Scrooge became Captain Kangaroo.

But how the HELL do you sell what’s on that billboard??? I can see Larry Tate

“Darrin, you know Gil’s a finicky sort. Our ad campaign for his Mudlar-K-Cola has hit the shit  wagon and he is threatening to pull out if we don’t have an idea he likes by noon tomorrow.”

“Larry, the way I see it, the Mudlarks have accepted mediocrity, it’s become part of their landscape, and I want to develop that idea that every time I willingly take that Loser’s Bowl trophy out of the conference hall, I have a Mudlar-K-Pepper in my hand. It’s got sizzle, it’s got snap, it’s got-”

“But are you SURE Gil’s gonna go for it? Because he’s practically signed a contract with Pearls Before Swine who have upgraded their own and campaign with “Gil and Mimi on their 35th Wedding Anniversary at The Bucket slurping out of the same Mudlar-K-Beer can. Says it works better than exchanging cakes and it SELLS.”

“Larry, trust me, half-ass is in. Just check Gil’s last 10-15 plotlines. His players spend more time at the Milford Drive-In than on the basketball court. If you can’t do half-ass all the way, drink a Grape Nehi.”

Later that night.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“Ahhhhhh, Gil’s being an asshole like he has for the last 60 years. I can’t sell him that his plot is rubbish and his Mudlar-K-Cola isn’t much better.”

“I heard that” as Gil and Larry Tate come out of the broom closet.”

“Sam, it’s time for one of your miracle solutions.”

“Well, Mr. Thorp, the way I see it, you WOULD be literally dumping all your K-Colas before swine. And people have no ambition in Milford therefore their tastes reflect that. It’s a sign of the times when students sleep in Hooverville rather than sleep in their own bed room then wonder why they don’t get any playing time on the football field. And anybody doing stand-up comedy on the basketball court won’t beat Michael Jordan either in a game of H-O-R-S-E or one-on-one with him blindfolded. If he’s going to get his ass stomped, don’t you think he should at least have a Mudlar-K-Cola in his hand? And I think your slogan should be

“Mudlar-K-Cola-Always there when you’re ready to embrace the lukewarm”

“Samantha, I’m sorry, that won’t wash, Darrin, do you have anything? You know your job’s on the-”

“No, Larry, I like it. It’s been that way since the Eisenhower Administration.”

Larry Tate, as always, forced to eat crow

“Oh, Darrin, that’s a BRILLIANT idea. In fact, I have some leftover lukewarm Asti Spumante in my trunk. LET’S CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Samantha twitches her lips and changes Gil’s hair into a Ringo top to make the occasion even more special and mediocre.

Big shout-out to Robert Utley, of Pleasure Ridge Park, Kentucky, who was a trucker for 43 years and still would keep on truckin’ if he wasn’t sidelined with an injury. But there he was in the rehab center working on the Nautilus equipment, goin’ at it with a vengeance. Gang, Robert kept America going with his hard work and as a shop steward, gave of himself tirelessly to people to boot. Thinkin’ of ya, Robert. You made America great. Give him some respect, gang.

 

And just when I had my hopes that Gil would finally do some coaching, he and Kaz wind up in Linus’ pumpkin patch. The Great Pumpkin comes to Milford’s gym once a year and hands out toys to all the good boys and girls. Linus will be at Bleacher Section D to confirm that. Next week, Santa will land on the gym’s roof and Santa will slide down one of the heater ducts to perform the same thing. He can’t stay too long, Rudolph’s nose will only shine brightly and then it dims by the time Santa leaves Valley Tech. BTW, Gil, can my sister get that pumpkin by your foot. She bakes a mean pumpkin pie.

 

 

 

.

 

 

Remember the Flintstones episode where the Hatrocks, a family (Hatfields in the real world, gotta be) that feuded with Fred’s lineage (Ancient Flintstones = The McCoys) but are willing to bury the hatchet and wind up being guests in Fred’s house. They were a real rough, crude, lazy sort, i.e., didn’t wear shoes, didn’t take a bath, wore long beards, smoked corn cob pipes, spoke really terrible country accents, etc. They had a dog that was the spittin’ image of Dino and he just looked out of place with that ragged thatched hat. Eventually, as you might have guessed, they overstayed their welcome, much to Wilma’s increasing annoyance. Fred’s doing EVERYTHING within the bounds of civility, to tell them it’s time to go, with no success.

Then Fred cites a flaw in their character that is evident throughout the show. With help from Fred’ s neighbors, The Gruesomes, Fred capitalizes their disdain for “Bug Music” (An obvious reference to The Beatles who were at the height of their popularity even as the episode was running) , either when Fred plays it on the radio or it’s on TV, for a shrewd idea.

Fred and Wilma and Barney and Betty start things off, wearing mop tops a la the ’64 Beatles, playing in their living room

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Hatrocks frantically look for support so they head out of Fred’ house and head to the Gruesomes but discover they’re wearing the same mop tops and belting out the same tune which heightens their paranoia.

The coup-de-grace is when Pebbles and Bam-Bam  and Dino (Dino and the Gruesomes’ octopus monster thingy wearing a Ringo coif is hilarious) are in the garage singing that very same song, the mail in the coffin for the Hatrocks as they’re just seeking refuge now, the garage a logical place, but they’re not even getting that.

The Hatrocks head out of Dodge towards the ’64 World’s Fair, assured there’s no “Bug Music” there (instead of their native Arkanstone-I’ll let you figure out which state) but unfortunately speed by a billboard they overlooked, displaying “The Four Insects” scheduled to perform at that very Fair, a fitting ending to this very funny schtick.

And the reason why I bring this up is because I really get tired of people inviting me to their church AND exhorting me (really another word for ordering me) to bring the whole family (I guess my presence by itself doesn’t mean anything to them. Gotta bring the Rough Riders too. After we conquer San Juan Hill, we’ll shave shower and dress and hitch a ride on  the church van) .

Sure, I’ll get on the phone like the ones you see in the background on PBS Television trying to get you to contribute to National Geographic Series: The Lions are the Laziest in Rwanda.

I’ll just frantically dial my 2 uncle’s, 3 aunts, 5 cousins, my sister, 2 half-brothers, their mom, my dad, my 6 nieces and nephews, even if my one nephew is a team doctor for the Atlanta Falcons, I’m sure the Falcons will have a bye week and he can bring HIS WHOLE FAMILY (dicey on his wife’s grandmother, her kidney stones are acting up again after being careless again at White Castle) while the other phone callers can call my dad’s side of the family. My grandmother died a few years ago at 103 years old (not a joke) , so she may not be up to it but I’ll have them call cuz ya never know. We can always rent the funeral ambulance if it comes to cases.

Otherwise, will 2 busses be enough room for the whole family?

 

The Hatrocks load up the caravan and drop into a random church

“Well, ya said bring the whole family. BTW, ya got Bug Music in yore hymnals? ‘Cuz we ain’t singin’ if ya do.”

So the next time YOUR church gets hoisted by its own petard and creates ANOTHER problem trying to solve the original problem, I have a simple solution

Get your organist pumped and ready, Ringo top (Richard top if ya wanna get technical) on his/her head, and play Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D minor, BWV 565” in Bug Music format, a warm-up that’ll drive ’em out of the sanctuary and into the Devil’s Den.

And c’mon, Saints, ya know ya got kids in your church who are in the school band. A trumpet, French horn, clarinet, tuba, and snare drum should suffice. Oh and get some flunky kid to bang the tambourine. Be sure to fit the wigs on snug, well, you know, their heads are smaller. Surely the Milford House of Hair sells mini-Richard, er, Ringo tops. And to complete the deal, get deacons and elders who play guitar, banjo, Jew’s harp, sitar, John Entwistle’s bass, dulcimer, lute, etc. This will enhance, with the proper acoustics in the church sanctuary, the ultimate Bug Music bill of fare.

The Hatrocks still in Sunday School at 12:15PM discussing Jesus’ confrontation with the Woman at the Well when Sunday School commenced at 9:30AM?

With a 7th-grader’s piccolo starting off

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sure to send them over the cliff with rest of the pigs.

A shout-out to Mildred Ethington of Louisville, Kentucky. Gang, she could use your prayers in a mighty way. She is a very sweet lady who never complains and is ALWAYS giving. Right now, we need to give to her. Whatever your religion, please ask that she be taken care of because she has done A LOT for people. May God Bless You, Mildred.

And you KNOW I have a perfect solution to bad plots

With Gil on the bassoon, Mimi on the banjo, Keri on the bongo drums and Jaime on her song flute, all in Ringo tops, a one, a two

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gang, comment away. I’m tailing Kaz because I’m going to the same Amway meeting. Don’t settle for Amway detergent that can actually clean when you can buy mediocre EPA-rejected soap that streaks on your T-shirts. And get other people to do that too. Hey, I’m sold on the concept (although in all seriousness, I DO like Amway products) .

 

Dr. Pearl on the kettle drums, Steve Luhm on the mellotron, Ms. Rizk on the viola and the Milford High School cafeteria ladies on the trombones (don’t even want to imagine how that sounds)

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Can’t wait for the album to be released.

 

 

 

 

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6 Comments »

  1. Tish Hinojosa is a pretty good Tex-Mex folksinger about my age

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — December 18, 2018 @ 6:01 pm

  2. You beat me to it, Downpuppy. Kaz trying to play the world music angle…

    Comment by Prof. Anthrax — December 18, 2018 @ 6:21 pm

  3. Damn, that was tight. Thanks for sharing Downpuppy.

    Comment by timbuys — December 18, 2018 @ 7:55 pm

  4. Kaz’s (Kaz’?) ride looks an awful lot like a Porsche Cayenne of recent vintage. How can he afford that on a Milford assistant coach/history teacher’s salary?

    Also, are the Mudlarks practicing with medicine balls?

    Comment by teenchy — December 19, 2018 @ 4:40 am

  5. This is probably just like the movie thing — Kaz has no idea who Tish Hinojosa is, he just lets Kelly pick the concerts and buy the tickets.

    He does seem to have a hint about what’s going on with the billboards. In panel 3, he seems to be thinking, “Hmm, looks like I might have to punch somebody.”

    Comment by jvwalt — December 19, 2018 @ 6:56 am

  6. SUPER COMMENTS, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And Downpuppy, I’m sure I came across the wrong way as I was downing Gil and Kaz’s sorry attempt at WITH-IT-NESS but I certainly LOVED your contribution. I will DEFINITELY check her out. Tim was right, that was AWESOME. Keep those videos comin’ My Man.
    Teenchy, ya gotta quit topping me(ha ha). The medicine balls remark had he rollin’, baby.
    You all made this a successful post. I am nothing without the people who consent to letting me still do comedy.
    What’s more important is that you keep Democracy going. Without your ideas, Free Speech is just a dream. Proud to keep getting fired up for you all and ready to rock tomorrow. Help Rob on Friday and get him out of this pumpkin patch of a plot.
    Linus is more likely to see The Great Pumpkin than for this plot mean anything. And it won’t dole out toys to all the good boys and girls.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 19, 2018 @ 4:52 pm


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