This Week in Milford

December 20, 2018

This Plot Was Made For Walkin’

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:56 pm






You keep sayin’

You’re gonna do some coachin’

And you keep sayin’

Bull shit’s gonna end


You keep us hangin’

Thinkin’ you’ll turn over a new leaf

But we’re not stupid

We’re not expecting relief


This plot was made for walkin’

It’s there in full plain view

One of these days this plot

Is gonna walk all over



You keep cacklin’

Players are under control

And you keep flappin’

You’re in charge of the show


You keep jawin’

That Arapahoe is just an Injun’

But your team’s suckin’

A car without an engine


This plot was made for walkin’

And that’s what this plot will do

One of these days this plot

Will drive like Hell

Away from



Now that THAT’S out my system, nice to see That Girl and her boyfriend/husband/confidant/fiancee/silent partner/bridge partner/yin to her yang on the Milford Contractors Co-Ed softball team Ted Bessell soaking in the game, oblivious to the advertising world’s equivalent to a serial killer sitting behind them. If they’re Mudlark fans, I’m a little perturbed that, judging by their smiles, that they’re treating this like a bacchanalian orgy, with plenty of Mudlarks getting thrown to the lions at the Milford Colosseum(as shown yesterday when Marjie was doing her really-too-late-to-be-calling-it-a-pre-season-interview-when-Midnight-Madness-occurred-for-every-college-and-high-school-a-month-ago-and-Christmas-is-5-days-away-and-Holiday-Tourneys-not-long-after-that interview with Gil). Marlo and Ted, you guys are GETTIN’ YOUR ASS KICKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE the ones gettin’ thrown to the lions!!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t be laughing too loud. And if they’re Arapahoes, what are they doing sitting a row ahead of Jeffrey Dahmer???? …he gave That Girl 40 whacks. When he saw what he had done, he gave Ted Bessell 41!!!!!!!!! Then he proceeded to give Irby a Coffee Job, i.e., done got dunked on. That’s right, Jeffrey. When all the blood has been shed, ya gotta put the exclamation point on this game and do a poster job on someone. Thorpiverse, at least let’s get the bio on the guy before he gets his ass waxed on the rim.

BTW, check out Ted’s dental work. If he isn’t the second cousin twice removed of Alvin the Chipmunk, they must have rearranged the genealogical map at the Milford Courthouse. The dude better do some serious brushin’, preferably with a sand blaster. And use a toilet plunger when rinsing out with Scope. He and Theo the Chipmunk had to have been separated at birth.

And speaking of teeth, why does Colgate advertise with a guy we’ve barely heard of? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Alton Brown and his shows have always fascinated me and his advertising pitch is great but my grandma is not going to gossip on the phone with her neighbor that Alton Brown said I should brush my dentures with a Brillo pad after I’ve used Colgate Anti-oxidant.  Slim Whitman can comfortably talk about how Colgate New Whitener Formula has the power of a 21-gun salute to remove the plaque in your teeth?

“Yup, After I hed  surgery on ma back, they fed me plenty a Colgate Anti-Bacterial Formula ta remove green stains from ma molars and ma lum-BAR section.”

Hey, you sold me, Slim. Remind to tell the Milford Chiropracter next time I visit him to keep the medicine cabinet plenty-stocked with Crest Extra Fluoride. Don’t want no cavities in my coccyx.

Wouldn’t a DENTIST be a much better sell? They know teeth, I’m thinking.








Seen on a DQ marquee board

“Chicken Strip Basket w/ Small Fries and Drink, $499”

Read “Eats, Shoots & Leaves”, gang.



Day 10

“It is break time for Marty and Peaches. Marty barely survived, running for his life after he tripped over a fire ant hill. The natives were not very friendly and they demonstrated their ill will by chewing his right leg off. Fortunately, a doctor from the Milford Prosthetics Conglomerates was on call and, after showing his crediantials to the Park Ranger at the Fire Tower entrance, was able install a new leg before Marty had to cave in and fall after learning on the Kentucky Coffee Tree for 16 hours. The doctor cleared him to hike if he took his coumadin every 8 hours to avoid the blood congealing. Can’t be too careful.

Then Peaches takes advantage of her break from the ravages of Mother Nature by catching up on all her Avon orders. One customer complained that her Rippin’ Raspberry Cologne got mixed up with somebody’s Awesome Avocado. No problemo. Just grab a few raspberries in the Milford Nature Area Community Garden, stick ’em in a Cutty Sark bottle that some wino left on the ground when he was gettin’ plowed after hours in the MNA somewhere, fill the bottle(be sure you crushed the raspberries THOROUGHLY, Peaches) with water by dipping it in the nearest pond and you’re a FedEx delivery away from making a customer happy once again. You’ve won back a brother, er, sister. Peaches.

Coming up next, will Peaches survive the Amazon cockroaches after she accidentally spilled Strawberry Senzations Shampoo, that she was going to send to the Lyft driver at the Pacific Crest Trailhead for an emergency overnight trek to the Queen of England because the Queen ran out of Mr. Bubble trying to get ready for a luncheon with the Consulate from Azerbaijan, all over her birthday suit? Stay tuned.”

Coach Kaz in the bathroom of the Milford Civic Auditorium during intermission of the Sex Pistols concert, brushing his teeth at one of the sinks.

“Folks, I have no idea what Colgate Optic Maximum Formula means, they didn’t teach that in Teacher Ed at Milford Community College but when I spit this crap out, I’m assured that my teeth will shine like the basketball plot and won’t smell bad either. That’s because it also contains hydrogenperoxideacetylphenolradicalionperchlorateammoniumnitratesodiumfluoridal which eliminates odor at its source. Nice to know that my wisdom tooth nor this plot will cause bad breath. Hccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh, ptooooooooooooooooo. Man, I can feel it working every time I spit a wad down the drain. If your gums could use a good Nautilus system, lemme tell ya, 84.578390520% of dentists in America recommend this product, according to an article in American Dental Practices for Today. Not sure about the Swedish dentists. I didn’t go that far in the article. I had to design a screen-and-roll for Gil after Irby got flushed on. Give your bicuspids something they’ll remember. Well, gotta go back to the concert. Maybe I can give Sid Vicious a tube of Colgate Optic Maximum Formula after I get his autograph after the show. Even Johnny Rotten gets a teeth-cleaning, y’know.”


And just when we decide to play basketball, again, not only is Milford getting its ass handed to them, not only are the Warriors having their way in the paint as we’re observing in P1, but NOW we gotta go back to “Days of Our Lives” in P3 to stomach Sherman Peabody who evidently got rejected by Darrin Stevens and now is trying to find a way to engineer his scheme at, of all places, a basketball game. Sure, if Darrin Stephens is trying to sell the Colgate Maximum Fresh Breath ad campaign to his clients in, say, New York City, arguably Madison Avenue, the first place I’d look for Darrin is in the Rockville gym where Goliath is stomping the team in the ground. Can’t you imagine Larry Tate singing “Don’t Go Back To Rockville”? Love the song, REM has always done me proud but Darrin, stay on Madison Avenue.






You keep squawkin’

That your team is the truth

Reboundin’, shootin’

Defense like a brick wall


You keep spoutin’

Only Fab 5 passes quicker

As Arapahoe’s provin’

Fundamentals flits and flickers


This plot was made for walkin’

And that’s just what it’ll do

Right now the Injuns

Are dancin’ a walk

All over



Big shout-out to Mary Eskridge of Louisville, Kentucky. At over 80 years old, she got out in the miserable rain and cold today and made a contribution to this society by attending a Board Meeting to make our community better. Sounds to me like she wants to make America better. People like her Do The Right Thing and that rubs off on other people to make this place a better world. She inspired me. As Frank Zappa said, “Register to vote and run for office”. Mary did that today, with the elements working against her. I salute you, Mary.


If yore willin’ ta sit with Charles Manson cuz ya drank too much bourbon from Milford Beverage Warehouse and both of ya don’t jknow any better, ya might be a redneck.


You keep yawnin’

Scratchin’ and pickin’ your butt

You keep insistin’

It’s a brand new game this year


You keep fartin’

Thinkin’ no one is sniffin’

But concerts and movies

Keep your integrity whiffin’


This plot was made for walkin’

And that’s just what it’ll do

One of these this plot is gonna

Poop all over



“Coming up in a moment, scenes from next week on Day 11 as Marty battles a cobra that got in his Nestlé’s Quik while Peaches run from a titmouse who just had babies.”

“Man, that’s some action Marty and Peaches are enduring. Serves Marty right after Marty ran my ass down for years. But you won’t run from this deal. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for The Beverage Warehouse. As an expression of appreciation for the customers’ loyalty to the Warehouse, boy, do they have something in store for you. For only $599, the Warehouse has Milford Distillery Old-Fashioned Hand-Scooped Bourbon, stored in 2 barrels, plus a smorgasbord of your favorite liquors on a pallet, ready to be loaded on the semi. Man, when I open the trailer, I’m amazed at all the booze flowin’ like a river. Budweiser Select 24-Pack, Natural Lite, Falls City Premium Mini Coolers, Oakwood’s Finest Daquiris, Sam’s Choice Crème de Menthes, Blatz Variety Pack, Old Milwaukee Touch of Whiskey, Beef Eater Supreme, Milford Valley Pink Chablis Non Alcoholic, and many others. You just gotta have a driveway long enough for the semi to back up and a garage overhang 12 feet or higher and we’ll back that baby on the road to Paradise. Oh, and a forklift in your garage would help. Be sure tell your kids to wait until after the Freightliner is gone to play 3-on-3 basketball in your driveway. We don’t want lawsuits with The Shark concerning roadkill behind the 3-point line. And when you order $2000 or more of golden elixir merchandise, we’ll enclose in the bill of lading an autographed copy of “Eats, Shoots & Leaves.” Punctuating properly while downin’ a tall one, Man, where’s my lexicon? BTW, Milford Beverage Warehouse now accepts EBT cards. Don’t let your welfare-bum status and your addiction to food stamps deter you from The Good Life. Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse today and claim your own pallet. Hoisting alcohol never felt so good.”





You keep quackin’

Nobody’s touchin’ our house

Instill new lineup

Team still rollin’ along


You say the paint’s a sanctum

Don’t give ’em an easy bunny

Irby’s in trouble,

Jock strap’s on the floor, Honey


This plot was made for walkin’

And that’s just what it’ll do

One of these days this plot

Is gonna dunk

All over



Gang, comment away. Milford is getting what’s coming to them, that simple. When bad plots and bad practice habits go together, is it any wonder our Mudlark in P2 is a step behind the Warriors. Too many dime novels and Ho Ho’s to me.


Frank (and the readership too, of course) , I know I’m pressing my luck, but I have a classic when Don Fischer was interviewing Coach Knight before a game that I think you’ll like(BTW, don’t get me wrong, I highly respect Don Fischer. His Cream & Crimson glasses tempered by good ol’ fashioned common sense, i.e., respect the opponent, has always worked with me).

“Coach, tell us about Minnesota’s defense and what to expect tonight.”

“Is that an order, Don?”

“Coach, will you tell us about Minnesota’s defense and what to expect tonight?”

“Just checking.”


You keep barkin’

You’re ready for battle tonight

Team’s done its walk-through

Knows the flavor of their gum


You keep preachin’

Crash the boards and then some

But only thing that’s crashin’

Is the box-and-one ’til it’s numbed


This plot was made for walkin’

And that’s just what it’s gonna do

One of these days this plot

Is gonna crash

All over



Are ya ready, plot??????????

START CRASHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This week’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Nancy Sinatra Goes To Town At The Milford Girls-A-Go Go Club!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw rips Jazz Guitar, the best since Earl Klugh, while Mimi Thorp shakes that thang on stage while backing Nancy.”


Metapost-Timbuys, My Man. Sorry I’ve been incommunicado. The Yahoo Mail is not cooperating because I have sent beaucoup messages. Big Guy, thanks ALWAYS for your eternal patience. You da Man.



  1. Al Smith’s great grandson in P1. Who left the beer on top of the backboard?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — December 20, 2018 @ 6:57 pm

  2. Jazz guitar? I’m a Kenny Burrell man myself.

    Comment by nedryerson — December 20, 2018 @ 9:21 pm

  3. The kid in the top row seems to be saying “mediocre, my ass…they just plain suck” and his gf is saying “you got that right” Speaking of mediocre, no athlete has ever used that word better than Richard Sherman when talking about an opposing player

    Comment by franku2016 — December 21, 2018 @ 9:21 am

  4. SUPER DUPER, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jive Turkey, you weighed in with a gem, as always. Your timing for the zingers you deliver is priceless. And Gil IS a turd. Just punchin’ the clock until retirement. ‘Course, he’s been doin’ that with Mimi on his verandah the last few years so he’s jumped the gun.
    Ned, you KNOW I love Jazz so your contribution is DEFINITELY most welcome. And I checked out “Midnight Blue” and it’s a great listen. He’s got a little McLaughlin in him, I noticed. I’m comin’ back for more with this dude. Keep it coming, My Man.
    Frank, that’s an excellent video and a lesson on something Steven A. once said: “If you’re gonna talk about it, ya better deliver. End of story.”
    In fact, Terry Rozier was in a “Respect Your Opponent” mode this past season in the NBA Playoffs. The guy guarding him(forgot his name, probably just as well, given the situation at hand) was just the opposite.
    “Is it hard guarding Terry Rozier?”
    “Who’s that?”
    “Uh, he plays for the Celtics, the team you’re playing now.”
    “Never heard of him.”
    Naturally, after Rozier lit him up for beaucoup points and boards and the Celtics dispatched of this loser’s team in 5 games, I bet he’s heard of Rozier NOW.

    Gang, keep Free Speech working. It’s all we got to keep tyranny at bay.

    You people mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 22, 2018 @ 6:36 pm

  5. Thanks to Dr. Joseph Suglia and Mounterworld for their recent kind “Likes” on one of my posts. I apologize if I can’t always reach your site but your encouragement is a blessing. I do read people’s stuff from other websites and find them very interesting. You’re no exception. Thanks again for your vote of confidence.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 23, 2018 @ 5:53 am

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