This Week in Milford

December 25, 2018

I Get To Crash Gil’s Christmas Party This Year-Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:52 am

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Christmas, gang, Is. Just. Another. Paid. Holiday. When Season’s Greetings from Thorpiverse is not on tap. Vaganova and I have witnessed decades of non-stop action (let me rephrase that) , mainly basketball (Mudlarkland has yet to participate in hockey, curling, or figure skating to this point-Peggy Fleming graduated from Jefferson, according its yearbook) , on normally the 1st 2 panels, only to stop-in-the-name-of-Santa-or-whoever-you-worship in P3 where Gil looks to the camera and wishes everybody Happy Holidays. Breaking the Fourth Estate never executed any better.

No other comic strip can duplicate a Mudlark blowing a dunk and Gil cussing him out in 7 languages, then pose with Mimi and the kids in front of an unknown fireplace (Milford Moose Lodge was the rumor, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade host’s fireplace, the host being Peter Graves as of this writing, had been claimed) , wishing Merry Christmas to all his fans and friends. One year, Gil tried to get Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang to appear on the set and shout “Merry Christmas, Charles and Gil!!!!!!!!!”, singing just like in the CB Special “Hark, The Herald Angel Sing”, to round out Charlie Brown AND Gil for a double dip of Christmas excitement, I mean, really, Charlie Brown directing the Christmas pageant featured more action than Gil’s football teams this year. Unfortunately, negotiations stalled with the chief negotiators, Schroeder, Shermy, and Peppermint Patty when they insisted that he’s CHARLIE Brown and not CHARLES Brown. Marty said No Way, Jose, or CHARLES in this case so Gil wound up going on a solo flight this year. Perhaps one year Gil will pose with Loweezy, Snuffy Smith, Tater, Jughaid, Elviney, and Caleb in a group portrait with Santa and his reindeer but that’s another rumor.

And does Marnaduke offer in P1 the thrills and chills of the Celtics-Lakers Finals, Larry Bird trying to go baseline on Magic, or vice versa, with Chick Hearn or Johnny Most proclaiming the Battle of the Titans as Larry or Magic engineers a 180 dunk? Does Pluggers? Ziggy? Please.

Nothing like Kirk Gibson in the ’88 Series, in his only at-bat, BTW, belting that home run off a stunned Dennis Eckersley to the accompaniment of “One Moment in Time” in P1. Then the bottom falls out and you feel like that poor schmuck in “A View to a Kill” being dropped from the zeppelin when P3 suddenly changes the complexion of the strip to “Andy William’s Singaround in Downtown Branson”.

And if you’re beggin’ for another angle after you’ve checked to see if your GAF Viewmaster and the plethora of reels, namely “Gil Thorp Confronts the Mighty Arapahoes at Dinosaur Monument and Challenges Them to a 3-on-3, Call-Your-Own-Fouls Tournament”, has turned up in your stocking, look no further than Don Fischer.

At the 1987 College Basketball Finals against Syracuse, Jerry Pulver to Rodney Filion, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Don does it better.

“Pulver in trouble, throws a cross-court pass to Filion. Filion eyes Aardvark down low and sends him a bounce pass. 10 seconds to go on the clock. Aardvark is covered and kicks it out to Keith Smart. 5 seconds to go. One dribble, Smart with the shotGOOOOOOOOO-”

Time out to wish all my friends and fans a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year”, Mimi in the background, like a proud mama, showing off her pumpkin pie that beat Minnie Pearl at the Milford County Fair (Minnie lost points on the price tag on her hat which fell in her rhubarb pie) , while Keri parades her Barbie & Ken Collection at Trump’s Casino and Jaime bounces vigorously his Henry “Hank” Finkel-autographed Spalding basketball.

Again, do you EVER read about this in “Cathy”? Well? Do you?

Carmichael never even heard of Hank Finkel.

 

Shout-out to Edward Potts who works the Valley Station, Kentucky, Meijer Gas Station. His courtesy and respect to the customers runs off on you and really brightens your day. EVERYBODY has a name to him and the clientele feed off of that. As the old saying goes, they don’t pay him enough. Edward, in your case, THEY REALLY DON’T. Treat him with respect next time you walk in there. Lots of it.

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! UP IN THE SKY!!!!!!!!!

IT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S SUPER STRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, gang, forgive me, I was used to the Sports Talk, Sports Talk, Schmaltzy Season’s Greetings format, especially in the times of Berrill. Now it’s been superceded with Sing Around The Campfire. Does Kaz know the Latin version of “In Excelsis Deo”, BTW? Is that EVEN Coach Kaz at all? Does Thorpiverse really expect us to buy into Conan The Barbarian singing “Jingle Bell Rock” with the rest of Josie and the Pussycats? And where’s The Terminator’s stud? Is this even Thorpiverse? Really, I thought we were reading Rex Morgan, M.D. for a microsecond until I saw the Dogs ‘n’ Suds in their hands and realized Dr. Morgan doesn’t eat chili dogs because it gives him congestive heart failure. So Sanka ‘n’ Suds it is. Still a bit iffy on the Thorpiverse perspective but Ovaltine ‘n’ Suds (don’t assume The Terminator is a Maxwell House Man, gang) coming from Coach Kaz’s a/k/a Conan’s cup into my own cup oughta steady the nerves.

Still say Mimi looks like one of Charlie’s Angel’s and I would forgive this slight but then WHERE ARE THE KIDS????????? AT MILFORD DAY CARE CENTER????????? Coach, when you wish to extend Season’s Greetings to your family and friends, you need to have ALL YOUR family for this Hallmark Moment. Don’t send them to Siberia, for cryin’ out loud. Yeah, right, Jaime is out with the penguins in the South Pole riding his new bicycle while Keri is at Ms. Rizk’s slumber party in the Journalism room. And I bet Daffy Duck is entertaining them with ghost stories. Keep stretching this one along, Thorpiverse. We might believe you one day.

Well, at least I was right about their renting the Milford Moose Lodge another year. No way their house is that big. Unless their garage is an airplane hangar, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Gang, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2018, ready to deflate that mistletoe that Conan’s moll (well, do ya want me to say Al Capone’s moll? Geez, Kaz might not have his stud on cue but he wouldn’t machine-gun Gil over bad coaching) is hoisting over his head. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought for a moment the Gil Thorp Christmas Composite came from the comic strip ____________.

 

“Oh, c’mon, I just want a kiss. C’mon, I got this mistletoe over your head for a reason. It’s not like we have to strip down and make wild love. We’re in front of a camera, silly.”

“Hey, Kaz, don’t let THAT stop you. Me and Mimi’ll go down to The Bucket for some Christmas Nog and leave you two alone.”

A Christmas Milford Men’s Clinic take to be told another time.

 

Big shout-out to Matthew Cloutier and the place he works for, The Cottage Inn, located in Middletown, Kentucky. A great little secret, it also has fulfilled MANY Holiday cake orders, much to my amazement, for such a small establishment. Looks like they’re competin’ with the big boys and turning a profit at he same time. Gang, if you’re in the area, stop in and check them out and see why many people find it a great place to eat out. Support Small Business, gang. You need a place where everyone knows your name. I salute you, Matt, and your wicked, sizzling sense of humor.

 

 

 

 

Day 11

Marty and Peaches are about to say goodbye for the next few days. They kiss and wish for more but a quick overview by the distaff side of the table, i.e., Marty’s limp Grand Central Station is all Peaches requires to convince her that Marty needs to get comfortably erect, courtesy of Milford Men’s Clinic or will be The Wall between them.

Marty is ready to return to the wild. He beeline to the Prehistoric Trail, the same one Eckels used in Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder”. THIS time, Marty must stay on the path or his careless ambulatory methods could cause severe alterations to the future. Marty McFly could be Milford’s next quarterback.

He begins hiking and immediately spots a pre-historic preying mantis, licking his chops on whatever Marty has on his person. Fact is, Marty forgot to screw the lid back on his Nutella Banana Nut Spread. Too many interviews with A & E while butt naked will do that, Marty. Mr. Moon scurries away and hopes the creature won’t catch and peer down his knapsack for a sample. Hopefully, the turnip in the same compartment as the Nutella will keep the mantis away. Harry Caray kept the Tarantula back with his breath so it can happen.

 

Peaches takes off her Milford Outdoors Dacron Gore-Tex Bikini Underwear. She is off to visit Lotus Land. There, the Lorelei sings to trap unwary hikers to her domain. Peaches has to exercise caution because if she crashes into the rocks, she’ll be eternally trapped in Mimi’s 5-game schedule and she’ll be one of Mimi’s players. Wanna schedule UConn Women’s Basketball to up your game? Tough. Either find a way to get out of the game contract with, for example, New Thayer (bribe the athletic director, dump a heap of Ex-Lax in the pre-game meal during the Opening Prayer) or the same teams will be played as infinitum. What a punishment. It’s hard to imagine Peaches on this Wheel of birth and rebirth, take the shot, rebound, say good game to the refs at the end, line up the officials for the next. Karma on the basketball court isn’t pretty. Being punished with lay-up drills forever just adds to the suffering. But, hey, look at it this way. If all suffering is Maya, or illusion, the pre-game warm-ups oughta pass quickly. And Peaches can always think of that prom date she had in high school when she blows the easy 2 and gets castigated by Mimi on the sideline when she’s yelling “Use the backboard!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Will Peaches be forced to use her Avon Bitchin’ Berry Liquid Soap to pour in her ears to drown out the allure of The Lorelei’s calling? Will The Sirens’ cover version of Husker Du’s “Books About UFO’s” send Peaches over the edge and land her in the gator pit or on the bench besides Mimi, whichever comes first? Will Tee Hee tear out her heart with  with his Chromium hand, laughing while she is McChicken Nuggets for some ravenous croc? In a moment, we’ll see if she escapes Motel Hell.”

“Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Man, Peaches is in a world of hurt. It’s a cryin’-ass shame Baron Samedi is not there to do his voodoo dance with his minions and the Milford High School Dance Corps to exorcise the demon that stole her heart, literally. And speaking of stealing, boy o boy, to quote ol’ Bud Man Harry Caray, the Warehouse has some steals for you and you don’t need signals from the 3rd base coach for these robberies. Jameson Irish Whiskey is on sale for $23.99, just what you need when you run out of Irish coffee. The teetotalers’ll never know what hit them. We have Menage a Trois Red Blend Wine, Milford Valley Select for the ridiculous price of $7.99. Yup, that’s right, grapes stomped on by some flunky and then fermented to perfection right here in your own backyard. And if you’ve read Kate L. Turabian’s Manual for Writers, and I confess I have skimmed through it while sitting my own private water closet, and if you are like me, you have no idea what pagination means. I guess you glue all the pages together, ensuring you have no Elmer’s Glue stains when you turn in your term paper. But don’t let that linch pin inhibit you from the imbibation of 19 Crimes Cabernet Sauvignon, the one Chef Boy-ar-Dee imbibated while he was cookin’ his spaghetti. He musta imbibated a bunch of these, you see so many of his cans BUT he got the liquoration for an incredible $7.99. Man, makes me hungry for his mini-ravioli. And remember, New Years Day is just around the corner. You don’t want to be imbibating Hi-C for such a festivity. Nope, keep plenty of Brut’s Champagne in storagation, either in your fridge or in your bird bath, hey, whatever yanks your crank. The point is, don’t be caught in flagellation by your guests due to a dearth of The Good Life on New Year’s Day. Leave the Kool-Aid to your kid’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Don’t take my word for it. Come in and see for yourself. There’s plenty of free parkination and if you purchase $50.00 or more of Life’s finest, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free copy of William Zinsser’s  “On Writing Well”. Grammar and Bud never tasted so good, er, well.

Hop on in and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Harry and Gil at the Milford Mall signing autographs, Gil charging $10 an autograph, Harry gratis.

“Gil, have you no shame? Harry might have downed his 11th Bud and you might smell his breath even with all the car windows up but the kids love him. How can you charge kids who have no money?”

“Listen, I said ‘…extend a greeting to all my family and friends. It’s a way to keep the strip going. Wishing everybody ‘Happy Holidays’ with an ornate wreath wrapped around your head in P3 don’t come cheap. I had to talk down $20 just on the ornaments alone. Plus, the rest goes into the Practice Facility Fund. Tired of scrimmaging in Pulver’s driveway.”

 

Big shout-out to Andre Goatley of Louisville, Kentucky. Despite his having to use a Walker, he sports a 135 bowling average, quite an accomplishment, indeed. The man’s philosophy is practice, practice, practice. In fact, he was going from one bowling alley to another one across town to hone his craft. Adept also in track, he has proven you can do ANYTHING once you set your mind to it. You’re right, Andre. You are living that motto every day and then some. Well done, Big Guy.

 

 

Comment away, gang. I hope everybody has a wonderful Holiday and New Year. For me, personally, let Jesus rule your life as he does mine. He has done GREAT things in my life (trust me) ; Man o Man, if only you saw what I saw. Celebrate His Birthday by making this a very memorable day with your family and friends. Whatever your religion, be safe and enjoy the rest of the year.

I am thankful for you all. Without you, I am nothing. God bless you all. You all mean the world to me.

 

6 Comments »

  1. Gil’s fireplace looks like the hobs of hell. What a turd!
    Not to one up you on your bowler tdrew but I know a legally blind bowler who has bowled a 300 game or two. Ol’ Ronnie Gooch from Morris, Illinois. This canal rat, affectionately known as of course, was featured on the Norm MacDonald show. Check it out on YouTube.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — December 25, 2018 @ 10:44 am

  2. tdrew, Dylan and Lennon– in collaboration– could not have come up with a better brain-dump than today’s. Just wonderful. And thanks for the shout out. It’s possible you and I have spent a few too many decades in Mfnrd. When I arrived at age ten in 1958, Gil was busily trying to persuade boys to try out for the then feeble football team. They all had after school jobs to pay for their cars, which they needed to get to work. It took Gil just a few weeks to persuade them of the circularity of this position, and in short order, the Mudlarks were a team of athletic novices who actually won a couple of games. At the time (I was a skater) it reminded me of the classic Canadian boys’ hockey novel, Scott Young’s “Scrubs on Skates.” Gil was right out of State and the US Army (or was it the Marine Corps? There have been two versions) but he also had his own airplane. This may have been to show he was a cool teacher, or it may have been a tribute to the kids’ serial “Sky King,” in which each week, Sky, aided by his brilliant niece Penny and sometimes her less engaging brother Clipper, solved crimes, found missing persons, or prevented scrub fires. Sky flew one of the most dangerous categories of airplane there is, the high performance twin. We call them “doctor killers,” because they attract people with the money to buy and maintain them, but lack the time to stay sharp in the cockpit. When an engine fails on takeoff and you do not react correctly and instantly, you are, to cite Gunny Hartman, “in a world of shit.”

    tdrew has had the discretion not to post todays actual strip. Single panel, rather than a third panel, which is at least frank. Kaz is wearing a knit cap indoors while Kelly holds a sprig of mistletoe over his head. He holds a mug of what appears to be mashed potatoes, as do the others. The fire is lifted from those cloud backgrounds from outdoor games, and Gil, backed by a stone fireplace which appears also to contain a couple of skullls, speaks on behalf of the hearth, earnestly toasting us with his mug.

    Comment by vaganova — December 25, 2018 @ 2:59 pm

  3. I hope there’s gravy with those potatoes.

    Comment by Prof. Anthrax — December 25, 2018 @ 4:28 pm

  4. WOW GANG, GREAT SHOW TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Jive Turkey, I ENCOURAGE you to top me, ESPECIALLY when it concerns matters of the Human Race. VERY inspiring story and PUH-LEASEEE send some more. That’s what Christmas is all about, the concept of HOPE. Without it, the people perish. You da Man.
    Vaganova, you’re one of the many reasons I keep this thing a-goin’. Your vote of confidence inspires me to do the best job I possibly can. And I liked your stories which indeed made Gil what he is today. I think many of our great readership forgets that Gil is licensed to fly a plane(remember when his plane almost conked out and he had to engineer an emergency landing? Naturally he survived since who would replace him? They never really worked that out in the script-ha). I’m glad you brought up his aviation skills. An excellent contribution.
    Professor Anthrax, you come through again with another excellent zinger. ALWAYS room in my post for your incisive observations.

    I am thankful for all the readership for their support which keeps my degenerate humor alive(ha ha). More importantly, you keep Free Speech alive and well. God Bless You all and make the rest of the Holidays one to remember.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 26, 2018 @ 8:58 am

  5. Holly looks like she’s got man hands too

    Comment by franku2016 — December 27, 2018 @ 10:14 am

  6. […] a while since Gil and Mimi had a foursome. When was the last time we saw them with Kaz and Kelly? Last Christmas? Oh, wait, it’s not that kind of foursome.  Just four shadowy figures sitting beneath an […]

    Pingback by The 20th Hole? | This Week in Milford — August 3, 2019 @ 7:19 pm


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