This Week in Milford

December 26, 2018

This Plot Is Definitely Making Me Laugh

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:38 pm

What. Just. Happened. Do not adjust your set. That was not an earthquake on a Richter Scale of 6.6 that rattled Mudlarkland.

3 PANELS OF BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me say it again, slower because I know a few of you are getting up in years. In fact, tighten that grip on your cane.

3!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PANELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No soap operas. No political ads (“I’m Gil Thorp and I approve this message”) . No Wheaties commercials (Gil on the golf course after his 7th straight bogey “Man, I got the runs bad. Kaz, do you mind if I let loose behind that sassafras tree? It makes great toilet paper after I’ve flushed myself out.” “Sure, but you didn’t eat your Wheaties, did you?”)

Rodney Dangerfield gettin’ in Jerry Lawler’s face and telling him he’s gotta screw that Sleeper Hold tighter if he wants to pin The Moon Dogs? Man, this is getting to be too much for this old-timer to take. And I’m hung over from imbibating excessive amounts of Milford Valley Chokecherry Non-Alcoholic 100 Proof Wine after partying at Gil’s Kris Kringle Krucifixion. At least let the world stop spinning.

Oh, don’t get excited, gang. Howdy Doody getting in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s face and then taking one for the team when he’s not entertaining the boys and girls is really not refiring up the engines again at the Indy 500 after somebody’s battery leaked acid all over the track. We FINALLY got basketball but Gil still isn’t doing any coaching. The inmates are still running the prison.

Couldn’t you see the show, kiddies?

“It’s Howdy-Doody time

He’s telling Irb’, it’s time

Get off your ass and climb

The boards, play defense, Grime”

“It’s Howdy-Doody time

Don’t let ’em score, you slime

Tough up your act there, mime

Or you’ll lose playing time.”

 

“You gonna let Clarabelle the Clown dunk on you? No???? Then put a body on him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

And this Jordanesque move we’re seeing in P3 is encouraging me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pure Basketball!!!!!!!!!!!!! We don’t have to see Mimi run off with Steve Luhm because Luhm was tired of seeing Ms. Rizk’s typewriter collection in her garage and Gil was still having an affair with Dr. Pearl when her husband was at a Jehovah’s Witness Convention and Dr. Pearl cheated on Gil when she was seen sharing a Root Beer Float Bucket down at The Bucket with the director of WDIG while Jed Clampett ran off from Granny by seeing Daffy Duck… Nope, if it looks like a basketball, walks like a basketball, clangs off the rim like a basketball, it AIN’T A VOLLEYBALL. Did you ever see The Hick from French Lick drain a 3 with a beach ball? No??????? Case Closed.

 

If ya git in yore shootin’ partner’s  face cuz ya wuz tired of gittin’ clay pigeons smackin’ yore face cuz yore shootin’ partner couldn’t hit a clay pigeon 3 feet in front of him, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

It is 11:00 P.M. Do you know where your kids are, Gil? (“…sources say that Jaime was last seen riding Dasher and Keri was trying to stay on Blitzen before Santa had to make an emergency landing in Switzerland. We’ll have more as this story develops. Irving R. Levine, reporting from Geneva.”) Anyway, the WDIG News just ended and it’s time to kick back and relax and sip that Milford Dairy Reduced Sodium Cherry Egg Nog while we cuss with the remote and tune to “Make Me Laugh”.

“Couple #3, when was the last time will your wife say that when you made whoopee that you burst into a paroxysm of laughter? Marty?”

“Oh, DEFINITELY when Gil took over for Mimi who had the flu. He snuck Mike Filion in the lineup. Gil bought a wig from Milford Hairy Ideas and plopped it right on Rodney, I mean, Mike. Lordy, he looked like Jo Ann Worley. He almost got away with it but the Ironwood Ingot center swung an elbow towards her, er, his private parts and he sounded too much like Mr. Bill. He couldn’t fake not returning to an alto register. The refs got suspicious and made him drop his shorts. He was permanently barred from the Ironwood locker rooms, girls or boys, because of that.”

“That makes sense. My daughter got clotheslined in her crotch with a hockey stick from an Ironweed 7th-grade Field Hockey Feeder League player and she could still sing Michael Jackson’s ‘P.Y.T.'” as the audience performs its obligatory uproar of laughter. “Well, Peaches answered-”

Doggone it, wrong Bob. I need to go to Milford Electronix to fix this damn thing. All right, here we go

The funky music is rippin’ the joint as Bobby Van does “The Hustle” on his to the center of the stage. The Newleyweds crowd arrives just in time in their seats to provide the canned laughter atmosphere for “Make Me Laugh”.

“Heyyyyyyyyy, gang, welcome to ‘Make Me Laugh’ where if you can keep a straight face in that chair for 3 minutes” while pointing to a seat  with a little wooden guardrail around it “You can win big money and prizes!!!!!!!!!!!” The audience claps vigorously off the cue card. BTW, the guard rail keeps Gil from getting desperate when the contestant isn’t laughing (“COME ON, I’M QUOTING DIRECTLY FROM AL JAFFEE’S ‘SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) .

“Okey dokey, our next contestant lives right here in Milford. He’s the custodian for WDIG Studios. I understand he cleans out Marty’s ash trays. He told me backstage that Marty has a thing for Muriel Cigars when he’s reading the Better Homes & Gardens report. Man, just don’t kiss up, all I ask (audience uproar again). Let’s welcome Wilbur WHEELWRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Wilbur meekly walks out on stage and shakes hands with Bobby. The applause dies down.

“All right, Wilbur, you know the rules. If our can stay in that chair and not crack a smile, can’t show them pearly whites, sorry, Man(light laughter from the audience) , then you’ll receive an all-expense-paid trip to Mudlark Lake Resort plus $10,000, but you gotta hold that pose for 3 minutes. If you can’t hold it in and just bust out laughing, well, hey, we won’t send you home empty-handed, you’ll get some nice consolation gifts just for your trouble. Partner, I wouldn’t want to face these Titans of Tickle, these Wonders of Wit. I’d be bustin’ a gut on these Kings of Comedy. And, incidentally, who do we have as our guest comedian? (Audience cackles a bit) Hey!!!! I can’t help it, somebody stole my note card. Maybe Mr. Whipple stole it cuz he ran out of Charmin (audience applauds nice recovery) . So who is it? Seinfeld? Martin Lawrence? Hey, I know!!!!!! Alan King!!!!!!!”

Polite applause comes out of nowhere from the audience as we’re about to learn the truth.

It’s Gil.

Bobby Van, obviously uneasy with the selection, wrinkles his Captain Hook visage back to Smiley face

“ALL!!!!!!! RIGHT!!!!!!!! GIL!!!!!!!!!, way to give it up for him, audience. Gil, I knew you couldn’t coach, you gotta let some Leno character get in a sophomore basketball player’s face cuz you were out on the golf course on Christmas, but you can’t tell jokes either HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” as Bobby Van laughs a gut but then “Ahhhh, just kidding. Hey, Gil, if we can’t kid each other, who can we kid????????”

Coach, trying to recover

“Didn’t you steal that from Tony Rolleti on Fernwood 2Night?”

“Ahhhhhhh, who cares, it’s my show. You think if I stole it from Gumby, Gumby’s producer would call and complain about copyright infringement????? C’mon.”

Audience laughs once again. Gil is speechless, naturally, scratching his ski slope for a retort.

“Gil, there’s your target. Wilbur is daring you!!!!!!!!! Chomping at the bit in that chair. GIL THORP!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE ME LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gil struts over to Wilbur, wishing they would blare “The Peter Gunn Theme” and make him even more of a bad-ass while being the next Tim Allen, although we think “Home Improvement” is safe (“No, Gil, you don’t use a sledge hammer on that pipe underneath the sink”) .

“Hey, Wilbur, how’s it goin’?”

“Fine, Gil. Yourself?”

“Everything’s peachy. Hey, did you hear the one about the elephant in the same Jacuzzi as the impala? The elephant was frantically looking for his rubber ducky. The impala was enjoying observing his fart bubbles mix in with the foam emanating from one of the outlets while listening to U2’s ‘Cedarwood Road’ on his Walkman. The elephant, annoyed by the impala’s lack of concern, blurted out, ‘Can’t you help me find my rubber ducky?????????’ The impala replied, ‘What do I look like??????? An anteater from Uruguay????????'”

The contestant is chillin’ on the chair, on page 733 of “War and Peace”. The audience groans. 2:30 left in the game.

Gil is 3rd and 8. Maybe a draw play would work this time. Fake the audience out, Gil. They might laugh this time and they’ll be moving the chains as a result.

“Okay, it seems this traveling salesman was driving along this country road when his car blew a tire so he had to park it on the shoulder on the road and call AAA in the morning. He spotted a farm and went up to the house and knocked. A farmer and his wife answered and invited him for dinner which the wife had just got ready. After a heapin’ of New York Strip, mashed potatoes, collared greens, Italian Lima Beans, Mel Purnell’s Whole Hog Sausage Barnhouse Medley, a McRib sandwich, with squash pie for desert, the farmer told the salesman that his daughter was looking for a hubby and she might be interested in the salesman. The salesman asked where she was staying, the farmer answered that she was in the barn. When the salesman went out to look, he found out it was The Borden Cow. When the salesman summoned up the gall to introduce himself, obviously uncomfortable, she responded “You’re not my religion. I’m a Primitive Baptist and I only date Polled Herefords.”

Wilbur is on his cell phone, talking to his broker. The audience is getting more restless. A couple of Roma tomatoes are thrown onstage. 2:00 remains on the game clock.

Gil, recognizing 4th and long (very) , ditches his 3 x 5 cards, tearing them into pieces, and throwing them on the floor. Luhm scoots behind Gil to sweep up the debris. A knock-knock joke pops in Gil’s head.

Gil: “Knock, knock.”

Audience: “Who’s there?”

Gil: “Madame.”

Audience: “Madame who?”

Gil: “Madame butt’s caught in the folding bleachers again.”

The audience is in semi-revolt. Shouts of “You can’t even tell jokes, let alone coach!!!!!!!!!!!” while there’s a flurry of Roma tomatoes raining on stage. Thank God, Bobby Van brought his poncho. Wilbur is reading his horoscope in the Milford Enquirer. 1:00 remains on the game clock.

“Hey, you know what’s orange and black and red all over? A Spalding Basketball autographed by Dr. J. that just got pelted with a Roma tomato!!!!!!!!”

Bobby Van just rolls his eyes, wishing W.C. Fields was doing the honors. The audience is at Bastille Day, about to send Sidney Carton to the guillotine. Somebody shouts “BRING BACK BOB KNIGHT!!!!!!!!!”. This was the best of times, this was the worst of times, indeed.

Gil, with :30 on the game clock, is about to cry “Uncle!!!!!!!”

“Oh, Hell, I’m dried up on comedy material. I’m trying to get this basketball plot up and smokin’ because I lost my shirt on the plots we ran before. I had to refinance my vehicles and sign the papers for a reverse mortgage, all through Milford Mortgage and take a 2nd job at Milford Marathon just to make the payments. I take Apu’s place at night. Can’t I even get a snicker?”

The noose is getting tighter around Gil. Wilbur is about to kick the chair and watch him hang. :10 left on the game clock.

“Asshole, I tried to beef up this plot to Stefanie Plum proportions. She and I may have trouble tracking down the psychos all over New Jersey but then we added Bubba Joe Tilwell to the team. He could relate to the wackos. AND we needed some beef down low cuz Irby’s a pussy and we needed a psycho killer of our own. Hell, he gets his jollies off of roasting wieners in the jump circle at half time. And you know WHY?????” Gil at fever pitch, unwittingly. He’s frantically waving that Bible trying  to get the wayward sinner to answer the altar call. “Because this plot’s got sizzle!!!!!!!! It’s got possibilities. In fact, this basketball plot is in the same league as a Tom Clancy thriller. THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER RIGHT HERE IN MILFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

With 3.4 seconds, Wilbur is puking with laughter, on his hands and knees. Gil struck the chord that tickled the funny bone, even if he had to pull a Homer Simpson to pull it off, i.e., save the town of Springfield and Milford by randomly selecting a button to keep the Milford Nuclear Power Plant from exploding by means of the “Eenie Meenie” method.

Bobby Van steps back in “Awwwwwwwww, Wilbur, you almost made it!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe this plot’s worth a darn, either. But, hey, we got a ‘Make Me Laugh” game for you, autographed by Coach Kaz instead, whattya think? That’s all the time we have!!!!!!!! Thanks, everybody, y’all been swell” as the disco closing number reverberates, Gil dancing the Moon Walk while Wilbur is talking to Bobby and Bobby is wiping off some last-minute shards, Luhm splashing Mr. Clean on the floor as the camera fades.

 

Gang, I don’t have a right to say “Comment away” and I apologize for the “Now you See it, Now you don’t” method I’ve been using all day. Phone issues are a pain, but I hate excuses. THANK YOU for your eternal patience. You mean a lot to me.

One person that I forgot to thank is Timbuys. He has helped me for almost a year and has really got the ball rollin’ on this thing. Without his  help, tips, input, contributions, this post would come to nought. Thank you, Tim, and a BIG Happy Holidays. You mean A LOT to me.

 

Gil and Kaz on Hee Haw

“Where o where are you tonight

Why did you leave us here all alone

I searched the world over and thought I found true love

You met another and

THBLOOOOOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

You were gone”

 

Don’t quit your day job, gentlemen. You can’t even do that.

 

 

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3 Comments »

  1. Is toughen up sophomore also from That 70’s show? Or James at 15?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — December 27, 2018 @ 11:16 am

  2. Yesterday, the only place I could find the strip was AZcentral, but it seems to be back on most newspapers today.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — December 28, 2018 @ 7:16 am

  3. Gentlemen, thanks again for your input. Jive Turkey, I was chompin’ at the bit the other day to respond to your “James at 15” comment. A semi-controversial, poignant, semi-dark comedy(in my opinion, anyway) that just HIT THE NAIL on teen-age life in the ’70’s, you deserve a HUGE round of applause for bringing the show up again. You went for the throat this time, My Man. Good for you. And Downpuppy, thank you for the update. That’s what keeps this site alive, people communicating the haps so that ALL of us can get a grip on our next move. That tip DEFINITELY helped.

    When we contribute to Free Speech, we validate what our Forefathers were trying to accomplish. And so far, we’ve accomplished their agenda for well over 200 years. Let’s shoot for another 200 and beyond, gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — December 30, 2018 @ 10:00 am


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