This Week in Milford

January 8, 2019

Twin Gils Of Different Plots

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Kelly Krystek, Pissy faced Kaz, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 1:25 pm

 

Every morning

We pick up the Post

We hope the plot im-proves

But it never does

 

So you take some sucker

And milk this thing dry

Try to help the schmuck from reeling

Into plot awry

 

Buttttt

Once upon a time

You had a strip that was runnin’ fine

When all the others

Simply don’t compare

 

You’re out of your mind

But once upon a time

You had us thereeeeeee

 

(Sweet guitar interlude)

 

Every morning

You shake out your hair

Thinking this plot’s got some flair

But it never does

 

So you take the excerpts

From Nancy and Sluggo

Prince Valiant and Pogo

And some Alley-Oop

 

Buuuutttttttt

 

Once upon a time

The strip was runnin’ mighty fine

When even Mark Trail did not dare compare

You’ve contracted I Me Mine

But once upon a time

You had us therrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee

 

 

Okay, Dan Fogelberg off my chest, is SPECTRE involved in getting Gil out the door? Otherwise, what in the world is the deal with these billboards? You mean, Moonraker hasn’t heard of school board meetings? Dr. No splats his messages on billboards on some god-forsaken highway from Hell when he could just as easily aim a Stealth bomber from Mt. Milford, his hideout, and X out the Mudlarks if he wasn’t satisified with Gil’s coaching? Really, if he’s above parliamentary procedure, he DOES possess the wherewithal for world domination, why let Madison Avenue carry out his dastardly deeds? He sends some teenage flunky to announce he’s going to annihilate Milford if his demands aren’t met to pave the way for Goldfinger to be the coach? Dammit, Dr. No, open up your volcano and pour hot molten lava all over WDIG studios and be done with it. I promise, Dr. Pearl will swear in Blofeld as the coach at the earliest convenience. Once all the hallways are clear of magma after Luhm’s 317th time of running the buffer, of course. Sometimes, magma is hard to come out of a tile floor. The point is, since when did YOU go by the book to achieve world domination?  Then 007 would be out of a job and forced to work with Luhm. I hope Mr. Bond has a toilet plunger in his Aston Martin

 

 

Then there’s the story today. Are we sure we’re not reading “Cat in the Hat”?

“Madam, so sorry that you misunderstood

This billboard in the neighborhood

I’m sorry if we don’t give a damn

We’d have a better answer for green eggs and ham

May we leave?”

 

You talk about dumbing down a plot. Mr. Not My Job #1 and Mr. Not My Job #2 in their Ninja outfits with their Sinclair logo on their hats just about epitomizes the basketball plot so far and are really in the wrong comic strip. Thorpiverse, leave Cookie’s attitude in Beetle Bailey. We don’t need Cookie making another batch of spaghetti out of Converse LeBron James Signature NBA sneakers shoe strings because, what the hell, General Halftrack will never know the difference. He wears dentures anyway and takes Kaopectate for an after-dinner mint. And TWO COOKIES AT CAMP SWAMPY??????? The pantry will run out of plimsolls making Spaghetti O’s. At least send one of them over to Dagwood to be Dagwood’s butcher who consequently runs up a bill on Oscar Meyer Bologna (“$21.00 on 4 slices???? Exact change???”) just to piss off Dagwood and his neighbor, Herb Woodley. Hell, I’ll compromise and let you jack up the price of London Broil just to watch Mr. Dithers execute a tarantella. Try me.

But in fairness, Kaz’s girlfriend should know better than to confront Larry the Cable Guy over billboards. His job is just to install the cable, not ask questions who paid for it. Git ‘er done even if installing cable is part of a Marxist plot to take over America. Lenin just wants to know what’s on ESPN. Che Guevara likes to watch “Green Acres” on Nick at Nite. Just git ‘er done.

 

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Oddjob To Open Haberdashery In Mall Next To Milford Men’s Clinic!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson announced that O.J. would handle the bookwork while Oddjob will be selling out on the floor.”

 

” I want your full report, my insouciant myrmidons. I’m expecting good news.”

“We attended the hearing, Boss.”

“And?”

“Dr. Pearl tripled Coach Thorp’s salary and gave him the keys to the company car. Milford High School has a contract with Avis Rent-a-Car. He also got the ranch house on Mudlark Lake Resort, rent-free.”

“You failed.”

“Yes, I’m sorry, we failed.”

“This organization does not tolerate failure. I will deal with you later. In the meantime, you may leave.”

“Yes, Boss.”

Flunky #1 and Flunky #2, borrowed from Joker’s gang, who are next door trashing Bruce Wayne’s mansion including raping Aunt Harriet, depart out of Blofeld’s office.

As they make their way to the pedway, Ernst Stavro Blofeld steps on the gas pedal, causing a foot bridge to collapse, dumping Flunky #2 in a pool of piranhas. I’ll spare the blood bath.

“FIRE GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Flunky #1 looks on in shock, then runs and hides in the Ninja Turtles Econoline van, the one with all the Christmas wrapping paper (“Mom. thanks for the great gift!!!!!!! I’ve3 always wanted a billboard message that says ‘You’re mediocre!!!!!’) . Some orders are not meant to be carried out unless submitted in triplicate by Dr. Pearl or the Milford Athletic Committee.

 

 

A friend of mine related her recent office Christmas party recently that featured people  snatching 2-liters under their dapper dress coat, heaps of turkey, chicken, Waldorf salad, peas, green beans, corn, 3 bean salad, cole slaw, macaroni and cheese, cookies, candy, cranberry salad stashed away in their brief cases, pies and cakes wedged under their laptop in their backpack, topped by Cool Whip (how could you forget?) hidden in their fedoras sooooooooooooooo

Coach Kaz in Dr. Pearl’s office, after she recovered her head out of the sink in the cafeteria

“Coach, I don’t mean to pry but why is there Miracle Whip all over your lesson plans?”

“Would  you believe I got in the middle of a food fight?”

 

 

Then there’s P3. Geez Louise, such a cheap take-off some Hardy Boys Mystery.

“Joe saw the billboard that said ‘Gil Is Running Around On His Wife When He’s Not Doing His Usual Mediocre Job Of Coaching’ and decided to go over to Rambo’s condo, the same condominiums O. J. and Johnny Cochrane inhabit, and see if he was willing to kick some tail. Acting on some tip that it was the Sandinistas and the Viet Cong, Joe and Rambo wanted to napalm the Milford Senior Citizen Center where they were reportedly hiding out.  Frank, using a cooler head, told them to rein in their fanatical impulses until Frank could get Chet Morton’s report on the billboard’s history.

Chet was on the Ultra Slim-Fast diet and it it took sheer willpower to slurp on his Ultra Slim-Fast Strawberry Shake and munch tediously on the Ultra Slim-Fast Nutritional Bar, Chocolate, Raspberry, and Almonds while everybody else was hoggin’ on Cheeseburgers and Paradise at The Bucket, not to mention banana splits, but if he wanted to remove the portly tag or plump tag or fatter than Freezer Thompson when Thompson is in the ring with Jerry Lawler for a match which is just a warm-up for Lawler and no belts are on the line tag that he received at the beginning of each Hardy Boys Mystery, he’d concentrate on these billboard reports and fax them to Frank ASAP.

Fortunately, Bugs Meany, trying to make restitution after all the doo-doo he shoveled at Encyclopedia Brown, turned up a key clue. He found out from the billboard company, after Bugs slipped the security guard a 20, that the ad before was a Mudlar-K-Cola promo, with Ricky Ricardo displaying his Charles Atlas chest when he wasn’t at Mudlark basketball games second-guessing Gil. The basketball game that made a man out of Ricky. Nutrament does wonders. Anyway, Bugs pointed out that the ad was pulled a month before the due date, in favor of Mudlark Funeral Home, evidently pissing off Ricky mightily. Promoting taxidermy on Principal Ek over kickin’ some bully’s butt at the Mudlark Lake Beach? Bugs could relate. He’d sneak in an ad when no one was lookin’ either. Git’ er done, Bugs. He knew Larry the Cable Guy would aid and abet in that crime.

Bugs was only glad to help as this was part of Milford High School’s In-School Suspension Early Release Program. Bugs Meany was only happy to oblige, sorry now for saying that Sally Kimball’s mom had a Skull & Dagger tattoo on the right cheek of her butt.”

 

 

Day 12

Marty is captured by Tee Hee Johnson. Tee Hee intends to punish Marty Moon for saying that only Dr. Kananga can coach worse than Gil. Out in Milford Nature Area, plenty of room to roam, Tee Hee leads Marty out to a projecting rock, surrounded by a swamp full of alligators. Tee Hee pulls the section with a pulley connecting the rock to the mainland with the Fake Landscape Bug-Resistant Environmentally Friendly Recyclable Bat Retractor, used by Batman when he’s not in the mood to leave the Batcave. Marty is literally up to his neck in alligators.

Marty remembers he has the Bond Radio stuck up his butt that M loaned him (“Heavens, your gluteus maximus is more difficult to store equipment and gadgets than 007’s”) and tugs it out to play all his broadcasts since ’58. The Voice of Milford is  Tarzan of the Jungle and sends the ‘gators back to the Everglades. Now to find Peaches who is in a tiger pit created by Catwoman (“Roooowwwwwwrrrr, I knew this aphrodisiac would make you fall for the fake crab grass!!!!!!!!) .

 

Seven floors below Mt. Milford, Dr. No and Coach Thorp are discussing the latter’s fate, the gentlemen being treated to a feast fit for a king, Dom Perignon and Bucket Cheeseburgers and Bucket Buffalo Fries; Oddjob threatened to throw his hat at the teenaged waitress if she didn’t have the armored vehicle loaded down with The Bucket’s Finest within the hour. Plus a Bucket Crab Cake Sandwich because throwing hats and beheading Dr. Pearl works up an appetite.

“I thought  there might be a place for you within our organization. I could have killed you the first time when you sat Tiki in that football game. You made SPECTRE lose a bundle on the Vegas Line.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“I thought you less a fool. Normally when a man gets in my way of total world domination and doubling as the Milford Athletic Director, he pays a steep price”, as Dr. No grabs a Wilson Basketball and squeezes the thing until Dr. No’s Minions go play Nerfhoop with it down by the radioactive pool.

“Make sure they flick their wrists or the ball will hit the back of the iron and land in the shark pit.”

Dr. No is losing his patience.

“Unfortunately, you disappoint me, Coach Thorp. You are nothing but a stupid basketball coach whose luck has run out.”

Dr. No summons his guards, built like Coach Kaz all the way down to the Elvis sideburns and earrings.

“Gentlemen, soften Coach Thorp until he is begging to puke no more. Start by playing Marty Moon’s broadcast of Coach Thorp when he gave away that baseball game in ’95 because he left Sharkey, Junior in too long and the other team won it with a last-minute grand slam.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ANYTHING BUT MARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BULLPEN WAS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD JACKIE HILL ON 2 DAYS REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…….”

 

We’re hoping for good things

To lead us along

Maybe sing us a new song

That will keep us sane.

 

That’s only pipe-dreaming

We might as well be screaming

At the top of our lungs

For a trip with Dick and Jane

 

But once upon a time

You had a strip that was going fine

When Hi & Lois simply don’t compare

You’ve really crossed a line

But once upon a time you had us thereeeeeeeeeeeee

 

 

 

Gang, comment away. For your New Year’s resolution please remember to thank a Veteran. I always take 5 minutes out of my schedule to thank at least 1 Veteran. You do it however you feel comfortable doing it but PLEASE do it.

Also. support Small Business. Choose one mom-and-pop operation and call it your own. If everybody would do that, I’m bettin’ Small Business takes America by storm.

Gang, you need to be where everybody knows your name.

 

 

Hugo Drax, after discovering that Gil will not bolt to the NBA and sign an 8-year contract to coach the LA Clippers, is at The Bucket, booth #23 with Jaws and Holly Goodhead with Plan B

“I’ll write a check. I can always rob the Milford Federal Credit Union with you Jaws biting one of the tellers to cover any overdrafts. Now, order 12,000 Liver Cheeseburgers and make sure there’s enough garlic to unstop a cow. Send them, anonymously of course, to Gil’s office. The perfume in the burgers caused Odysseus to crash on the rocks. The same fate awaits Mr. Thorp. I am leaving to go back to the spaceship. See that great harm is done to Coach Thorp’s duodenum.”

 

 

“Sir, Gil is still with the team. There was a players-only meeting after the game and Gil is still the coach.”

“Then I will go to Lord Vader and apologize for the failure. You’re dismissed.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

“Apology accepted.”

 

 

 

 

Mimi is lovely

The athletes superb

But there’s something about the plots that disturb us

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7 Comments »

  1. I wonder how long until the billboard company gets a ‘cease and desist’ letter from Safeway for stealing their logo?

    It’s also cool how don’t-ask-me-down-vest guy in P2 has managed to cultivate the same sexy hairs on both his chin and his chest. The chicks must be drooling over him.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — January 8, 2019 @ 2:24 am

  2. Moon Mullins, I was looking at don’t-ask-me-down-vest guy in P2 and thinking he was sporting chest and chin hair, then I started to think those were supposed to be lines indicating some type of hand motion…not that I’m aware of a particular hand motion that would communicate “I don’t know why you’re asking me”.

    The background Skyborne guy is the real star. “Hey lady, maybe try typing that address into your computer. That’s how advertising works these days. You see, Kenny and I aren’t typiclly standing here underneath this sign to do Q & As”

    Comment by nedryerson — January 8, 2019 @ 5:07 pm

  3. Having worked with people who have no lives so they keep working, firing Gil Thorp might be best for especially one person- Gil Thorp. Run, don’t walk out the door Gil. Don’t fight for your job that you’ve had for what, 60 years? Accept the lifetime achievement award and leave. YOU TURD !!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 8, 2019 @ 6:00 pm

  4. Kaz’s reaction seems to confirm it’s Bobby Howry. In principle, the campaign is preposterous, but on the other hand, we did suffer an entire season with that absurd “reality show” plot just a few years ago.

    Comment by vaganova — January 8, 2019 @ 6:37 pm

  5. Ah, Milford, where they still have Studebaker repairmen.

    Kaz doing his best Reed Richards impersonation, at least with his hand.

    Comment by teenchy — January 9, 2019 @ 4:44 am

  6. “I’m calling it up now” — a thing said while finding a website by NO ONE. EVER.

    So if this is Bobby Howry, why is his fake website called “robbyreport.com”? Was “bobbyreport.com” already taken? For that matter, why not “firegilthorp.com”? Maybe I’m overthinking this.

    Comment by John S. Walters — January 9, 2019 @ 5:47 am

  7. YOU ALL DONE GOOD TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I liked how different people hit this so-called plot from all different angles and directions. The writers just tore the Milford telephone book to shreds. I’ll keep saying it, I stack you people against any of the other writers on other comedy sites. You all ran Gil ragged.

    And you kept Free Speech going. THAT’S my #1 concern. You made that happen today, gang. So proud to call you TWIMers as you know how to crash Gil’s party in the name of Democracy.

    No complaints here.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 12, 2019 @ 3:16 pm


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