This Week in Milford

January 10, 2019

The Billboards Are Due On Maple Street


Gil, aren’t we understating THE OBVIOUS????? My Friend, you were just awarded Comment of the Year by the Milford Kiwanis Club. Wanta know who got #2? None other than Marty Moon for stealing Calvin Coolidge’s maxim “I choose not to run”, when Moon was asked if he was interested in the station manager’s job at WDIG after the present manager retires. Suspending people for saying “He plays like elephant poop”  and “Gil has a face that bears a striking resemblance to Dumbo’s butt” on the air can start to wear on you down the years.

Melodramatic??????? Really??????? I don’t know about you, Coach Thorp, but I’m beginning to like Larry, Curly, and Moe run the basketball team.

“Nyuk, nyuk, let’s run that give and go a little faster.’

“Yeah!!!!!! And no dunking on the volleyball net!!!!!!!” BOP!!!!!!!!!



Well. I was going to get that video lined up for today, “The Radio City Rockettes at the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club” but the VCR ate the tape and I gotta sort through the spools and that’ll take some time. How ’bout a Twilight Zone episode instead???? I know, I know, watching strip to “New York, New York” accompanied by Coach Shaw on the jazz guitar and Gil on the baritone would have been a fascinating after-Christmas presentation but I KNOW there’s a lot of y’all that love to be Zonin’. Let’s Zone the night away, shall we?


I mean, really. Remind me to remind you that this could just be a front. Anyone remember “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?” Isn’t this just the same difference?

And remember Claude Akins, before he attended Northwestern and majored in Tractor Trailer Technology with a minor in French and went on to pursue a rewarding career driving Kenworth’s on “Movin’ On”, when he appeared on that Twilight Zone episode? Well, gang, guess I shouldn’t give the story away but he WILL figure mightily in the festivities today. He’s taking a break and somebody else is taking his seat in the semi.

“I’mmmmmmm Mr. Mooney and I have driven Freightliners beforrrrreeeeeee.”

Yeah, but looks like you’re having trouble getting it from 4th to 5th gear.”

“I can alllllllwwwayyyysssss call Mrs. Carmichael. She’s been going through the Swift Trucking Schooooooolllllllll when she’s not working at the bannnnkkkkkkkkk.”



“Look, Marty, I catch enough of your shit on the radio but this time you’ve gone too far. Some of my best friends watch Claude Akins on ‘B.J. and the Bear’.”

Mimi rushes up, barely missing the Lamar Outdoor Advertising billboard.

“Gil, every other comic strip’s plot has the lights on in its house except for ours. Let’s ask Billy, Jeffy, Dolly, P.J., and Barfy what the deal is. They live one block over.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Don’t let them go!!!!!!!!! They’re trying to escape with the rest of E.T.’s friends!!!!!!!!!! I knew you ate too much quiche at The Bucket!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t get suspicious until you insisted to the waitress to start adding Edam cheese!!!!!!!!!!! He’s not as macho as he’s been presenting himself the last 60 years!!!!!!!!”

“That’s not true!!!!!!!!!!! My husband just beat out G. Gordon Liddy to pose for the Marlboro Man when they had to find a replacement after the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer at our basketball game with Tilden!!!!!!!!!”

Claude using his French major to good use

“Arretez-vous!!!!!! Arretez-vous!!!!!!!!! Ne soyez pas malade!!!!!!!!!!”

“Claude, we’re not crazy but Gil goes to Fine Cuts. His barber died of a heart attack last year.”



Kaz’s earring is wired in gaudy

And Gil’s hair is combed out wrong

You better take off this masquerade

Cuz this stupid plot

Is too lonnnngggggggggggg


A little Procul Harum for those of you listening while you’re going down the elevator. “Homburg” is the tune, you whippersnappers.



“Kaz, I don’t even use Brylcream anymore. That went out with the Hula Hoop. I use Vidal Sassoon Extra Hold Deer Scent. You, more than anyone else, oughta know when we hit the Milford Athletic Club what toiletries I use the way you’re always mooching for my Old Spice Watermelon Wonder Soap on a Rope and slapping on my Mennen Cool Mist After Shave behind my back.”

“Look who’s talking!!!!!! If you’re gonna swipe one of my jock straps, will you at least put ’em in your Maytag and wash the damn things, cold cycle preferably????? My doctor diagnosed me with Jock Strap Rub and it keeps me awake at night!!!!!”

“Kaz, between signing contracts for officials for Mimi’s basketball games and helping my kids with their pre-school pre-algebra homework, I don’t always find the time to get the mildew. I have used Lysol in the past. Did you ever try to call around for zebras for Mimi’s 5 basketball games????? I’m lucky to have 2 games under my belt so far. And I had to promise one that Rick would wash his referee shirt after the game.”

Claude intervenes.

“I’ll do one of the games. I have my Middle School License through the High School Athletic Association.”


Parents complain about YOU, Gil???????? Coach, from what I’ve heard, they pray 5 times a day facing the Mudlark gym. ANYBODY caught complaining on this strip will have his day in court for, 3-4 months at the max, but we all remember what happened several plots ago when Mr. Promoter tried to plug his nephew and his singing talent. He had his nephew AND Gil on the ropes until the script called for Dad to come in and clean things up. We could have used Santa Claus, Barney Fife, Don Rickles, Ed McMahon to run Mr. Promoter out of town but that’s pressing our luck if we want to make restoring your status half-way believable.


“Thanks, Ed, good to be restored to the strip. Guess one shitty apple doesn’t spoil the punch. It’s nice to know all the parents and Doc’s band still support me.”







Kaz’s girlfriend and Mimi at each other’s throats

“I never put that billboard up but if you’d play some REAL teams instead of those ones you phone out of the Milford Yellow Pages under ‘Social Organizations’, you’d have a couple of championships under your belt, Girl.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t the one to sprinkle extra garlic on the Texas Toast Tomato Souffle when the recipe called for paprika. You could’ve caused a white rhino to sneeze his horn off the way you threw your ingredients on the baking pan.”

“Ladies, ladies, now take it easy. There’s no need to fuss at each other. Just cool down and eat another slice of Texas toast. And pass the pimento peppers.”

Claude takes a bite.

“Ummmmmmm, good!!!!!! Where’d you find the recipe?”

“Oh, my great-grandmother baked them for the GI’s when she was a WAC, she-”


“Sorry, Ladies. Anybody got a Tums?”

“PHEWWWW, Claude, you’re gonna start a riot if you don’t get back on that spaceship with Gazoo.”



The funky-looking tree behind Gil saying “Hi Mom” is due in Gil’s office on Maple Street.

‘Nuff said.





“Peaches, that was a pretty low blow. I know I may have a flat tire when we go to bed that needs to be pumped up to at least 35 pounds PSI but leave my Leon Trotsky look alone. He’s my idol. In fact, Mr. Mooney is trying to sport one just like this to intimidate Lucy Carmichael into working faster.”

“Darling, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yeah, you need a Breathalyzer Test done on your wim-wim but I don’t even have a stapler. You’re just being your usual paranoic self. Happiness is so unreal and love you definitely cannot feel, not with that steroid-starving specimen.”

“Claude, isn’t this your time to intervene? The Twilight Zone is about to end and Rod Serling is due anytime now to step to the plate.”

“Marty, you suck. Ain’t no way I’m standing up for a guy who skipped his group therapy session at the Milford Men’s Clinic. I’m shovin’ off in my truck after Will is done showering in the cab.”


Gang, raise your hand if you’re tired of the North By Northwest shot in P3. Don’t you just love the Transitive Property of Equality being employed while Cary Grant is hanging off of Kaz’s left nostril? Don’t think Hitchcock was THAT innovative.

So let’s go ahead and work out the logic while Hitchcock devises a way for Cary Grant to get down (“We could try an escalator. It worked when ELO did ‘Xanadu’. Think of the majesty and grandiloquence of the concept.” “YEAH!!!!!!! THAT’S IT!!!!!!!! Anybody have Jeff Lynne’s number?”) .


Only smarmy pricks who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Electronics because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11 can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin is a smarmy prick who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Technology because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11.

Quod Erat Demonstratum

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.


I think we have narrowed down our culprit. We know does not refer to Felix the Cat. Don’t bother. I checked.



“Ms. Rizk, I know I’ve been encouraging you to get your head out of that typewriter but honestly, did you have to resort to desperate measures to get a little sunshine?????? You ever try to go to the Milford Tanning Clinic?????? You’d be browner and my reputation would be intact.”

“Mrs. Clampett, I have no clue what you’re talking about. If you would have backed me when I had that run-in with Beaudry’s parents after I’d flunked him, there’d be no need for this conversation. Why would I waste my time insulting you on a billboard when I can say to your face that Mrs. Butterworth and you put fillers in their bras?”

“WELL!!!!!! Sonny-”

“Claude, ma’am.”

“Sonny, Claude, Red Sovine, whatever, I just want to get a Honeywell Word Processor and smash her head!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, don’t do that. Mz. Rizk, I’m sorry, I gotta call it like I see it. I’m getting erect for Granny Clampett right now. Her beehive and her false bicuspids are just sending blood through my dick. No need for an ED commercial here. Would you mind leaving the office?”

“Oh, Claude, you say the sexiest things. So you graduated from Northwestern…”


Gang, some of you have already commented away and I thank you MIGHTILY for the support and the discussion has been TERRIFIC so far. If ya wanna jump in, have at it. Democracy works, gang. Keep it going so we ALL can breathe.


“Wow, Gazoo, you were right. Just put up a few billboards and the next thing you know, the Governor has to call out the Guard on Milford.”

“Yes, yes, my slinky friend. I used the same technique in Bedrock. When I put up a sign that said FRED FLINTSTONE AND MR. SLATE ARE IN A SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP AT THE BEDROCK QUARRY, Barney and Fred were shooting their air-powered rifles at each other in their respective backyards. And Bedrock shared a similar fate with Macchu Pichu.”

“Looks to me like Coach Thorp will get voted out by the survivors and that Kaz will move to West Beverly Hills High School where Dylan Mckay will be his only problem child. And he doesn’t even play basketball.”

“Oh, Coach Thorp is a dum dum. I’ve been telling Dr. Pearl that for years. Maybe now she’ll listen. Want to go for a spin in my UFO? They have a great sushi restaurant on Neptune.”


I SHOT COACH SHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



“I got a run to Salt Lake City and Will’s been driving for 16 hours!!!!!!!!! One intervention at a time!!!!!!!!!!!! You hold off Freddy Krueger and Coach Shaw until I get back, goddammmit!!!!!!!!!”


  1. Ah, so we can write off the “Fire Gil Thorp” thing as the brainchild of a troubled, disgruntled hothead instead of seriously considering the notion that a guy who’s declined from “really good coach” to “comfortably mediocre” might actually DESERVE to be fired.

    Comment by jvwalt — January 10, 2019 @ 9:10 am

  2. Being a mediocre High School coach who never gets sued is a pretty safe job. I knew a cross country coach who missed 2 meets in one season by misreading schedules & kept his job. He was also terrible at recruiting and training.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — January 10, 2019 @ 9:38 am

  3. Mt. Carmel HS in Chicago fired their well-known, long-tenured football coach, who had won several state titles, including one with Donovan McNabb, because they felt like he was sitting back too much and not changing with the times, kind of like Gil. The same can be said of Bobby Knight, Tom Landry, and Mike Ditka (of course Ditka lost the players respect after he publicly embraced the striking NFL players replacement [spare bear] players and Knight was in hot water for bitch-slapping his players too much).

    Comment by franku2016 — January 10, 2019 @ 10:28 am

  4. I love that Gil’s personal threshold for success is that nobody’s actively hassling him. I think could get on board with that philosophy.

    Comment by timbuys — January 10, 2019 @ 10:32 am

  5. In my state there’s a kind of implied tenure for coaches in most districts. Unless there’s misconduct or ongoing poor performance (3-10 year after year, not Gil’s typical .600- .750) the coach normally stays. I think this is proper. Except for the handful of True Standishes who have a serious shot at playing in major colleges, high school sports are recreational.

    Comment by vaganova — January 10, 2019 @ 10:41 am

  6. Compare Texas where high school football stadiums routinely cost in the mid to high eight figures.

    Comment by timbuys — January 10, 2019 @ 11:12 am

  7. Howry is in over his head beyond the fact that Gil has enough connections in Milford to erase Robby-Bobby from existence if he so desired.

    For one thing, I don’t think Gil has had any real opposition from an authority figure since the jealous superintendent who hated him going all the way back to their college days venerated Gil on his deathbed. Billboards and Howry’s blog rants aren’t going to turn the (maybe) two people who be able to do something about Gil against him if a clearly opposed superintendent or Marty Moon’s shenanigans could not.

    For another, Gil has won 70% of his games and 8 state championships in basketball, it is historically his most successful sport. Not Milford’s most successful sport, Gil’s. Gil IS Milford athletics, for better and worse. There is no history of basketball success at Milford that we know of without Gil. He has skins on the wall (especially in basketball) and quite frankly, would have earned his coach for life role in the real world just as he has in the Milfordverse.

    Also, no Lady Mudlark team this year, huh?

    Comment by billytheskink — January 10, 2019 @ 11:15 am

  8. I have to agree with the semi-consensus, that Gil has no known serious opposition in Mfnrd and that his position is secure, especially since (despite our carping) his overall record, as billy points out, is actually quite good. I suspect Howry is going to have some kind of bad effect on Mike Filion, whose possible emotional issues have already been foregrounded. Perhaps Howry will try to manipulate him in some way against Gil, causing harm to Filion. I’m guessing here, since we very often have seeming clues early in a story which never develop. Sometimes GT echoes some of the Shakespeare plays for which we have only a heavily cut version in which someone is sent off on a vital errand never to be heard from again.

    Comment by vaganova — January 10, 2019 @ 11:29 am

  9. The worst thing that Gerry Faust ever did was let ND talk him into leaving a secure HS coaching job to coach big-time college football, where he found out that there is no such thing as job security.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 10, 2019 @ 2:13 pm

  10. Franku2016 you cannot be Frank Lenti Sr or Jr. Can you?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 11, 2019 @ 12:27 am

  11. @Jive Turkey,..No, but I met Sr. once.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 11, 2019 @ 10:37 am

  12. WWWWOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT DISCUSSION, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I liked the free-flow of ideas today cuz THAT’S Democracy and Free Speech AND I learn from your ideas. This was an excellent forum today. Keep it up.

    Every one of you was supreme but I wanna address Frank’s comments since they hit REAL close to home. Frank, you will get NO argument from me concerning Faust. His HS teams were just simply unconquerable and he arguably would have been on Easy Street had he stayed. Nobody was touching him and they weren’t there going to anytime soon. That’s why I always thought it a bit risky to make the jump to one of the most venerated programs in the country. I realize hindsight is 20-20 but as Coach Stuard always taught me, if you stick your neck out, you better know what you’re doing. Sometimes ya gotta take a risk but one thing I found out between high school athletics and college athletics is, as you mentioned, Frank, the job security. I have encountered high school coaches with long-time losing records still at the helm while in college, regardless of the sport, your butt’s on the line if you ain’t winning. The cold reality.
    Then there’s indeed the issue with Knight. When he was winning, he could get past a front-page picture of his grabbing a player’s jersey(not that I approve, I don’t) but when his record wasn’t as stellar(it wasnt), the wolves unfortunately came to call. They do that when you’re losing. And I deeply respect Coach Knight when I say that.
    The one play that marked the beginning of the end was when an IU player grabbed a rebound and just SHOVED an opponent out of the way with his butt. Of course, he got called for clearing out and what added insult to injury was the player just looked indignant with that “What did I do?” look on his face. In earlier years, Coach Knight is making the guy sit the bench for such a STUPID play but that night Coach Knight was powerless.
    The coup de grace was the half time show when Digger Phelps, long-time supporter of Coach Knight, just shook his head and basically said “Man, that was dumb.” Knight’s days were numbered. I’m VERY reluctant to say that but gotta call it like I see it. Frank, thanks for the input as it was VERY relevant and on-point.
    Keep Democracy in order, gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 12, 2019 @ 2:32 pm

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