This Week in Milford

January 24, 2019

The Lunatic Is In The Booth

Filed under: Bobby Howry, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 5:11 pm

012419

The lunatic is in the booth

The lunatic is in the booth

You second-guess

And undermine the team

We’ll just pretend that it’s a bad dream

 

The lunatic is on the court

The lunatic is on the court

Your patient file

Is wedged tight in your gym shorts

Got to play zone D and still hold the fort

 

And if Gil starts bitchin’ and pullin’ out his hair

Ranting and raving like Yogi Bear

And if this game you’re in starts playing different tunes

I’l see you in the booth with Marty Moon

 

 

Shout out to Devin Cameron, of Louisville, Kentucky, for his VERY perceptive mind. Our discussion on politics while taking him to work was INTENSE. It is clear he has a VERY brilliant mind and a good head on his shoulders. And he cares about things as well. Without people like Devin, the world would go a little slower because he LOVES to be a working part of our upward march of humanity. Treat him with respect, gang, he’s earned it.

 

 

 

 

P1-Day 14

“All right, you’re on the air. It’s Psycho Pete from suburban Milford. Go ahead, Pete.”

“That’s PSYCHO Pete to you.”

Marty, a little annoyed, swallows his pride. He needs to get his fan base back and what better way than someone who just received his diploma from the Milford State Hospital.

“Okay. Will do. What’s on your mind, Psycho Pete? Is Gil past the expiration date?”

“A better question is, are YOU past the expiration date? You’ve been second-guessing Gil ever since they launched Sputnik and I’m surprised McCarthy didn’t interrogate you when he was on the witch hunt for the Reds. I was on the Anti-Communist Committee with Kefauver, Stevenson, Nixon, Acheson, Morgenthau, Bretton Woods, Dumbarton Oaks…”

“Wait, wait, wait. Weren’t the last two conferences on, refresh my memory, improving world peace or, maybe, the world economic system? I flunked International Studies at Milford Broadcasting School but I remember those names when we took a pop quiz. Saved my license.”

“Shows how much you know. We were set to sentence you to the chair for all the nasty things you said about Gil back in the ’50’s. At Dumbarton, we were trying to get the OK from the Governor to pull the lever after you remarked that Eisenhower had a hair style like Gil when Ike and McCarthur were classmates at West Point. Low blow, Moon.”

“Look, what this has to do with the present topic-”

“And John Maynard Keynes thought your show needed a pump-priming after the Free Market was allowed to send people to the soup kitchen. Sure, scandalize Gil while someone is at the ticket booth at the Milford Gym asking “Brother, can you spare a dime? I’d have put your show under the Tennessee Valley Authority, for sure.”

“Will you PLEASE get to the p-”

“That’s why, soon as I hang up, I’m going to drive down to the WDIG studio and chop you up. Your goatee oughta be great jowl bacon at Milford Bar-B-Q Shack. The rest I’ll just feed to the hogs on my farm.”

“Now you’re threatening me and I’m gonna call the p-”

“Then I’ll be nice. I’ll just use the chain saw on Peaches. You better hope it’s plugged in cuz Milford Gas & Electric threatened to cut off my electricity. Said I was 3 months behind but if I paid $1,563 of it by this Friday, they wouldn’t send a temp to put a lock on the fuse box. Peaches might not have to die in vain after all. Did you ever play Operation when you were a kid? I hope it doesn’t buzz when I get to her boobs.”

“NOW YOU LEAVE PEACHES ALONE, YOU PSYCHO YOU!!!!!!!!!!”

“That’s my name don’t wear it out.”

“IF I COULD REACH THROUGH THIS TRUE VALUE #2 COPPER WIRE-”

“BTW, to show there’s no hard feelings, I was the one who shot Coach Shaw.”

“NOW we’re getting somewhere. If you’ll reveal your name, WDIG will send you a check for $10,000-”

“$20,000. Still gotta get caught up on the M G & E bill.”

“-$20,000, cashier’s check, no questions asked.”

“Hell, you don’t have to do that. I trust you. A Milford Kwik-ee Mart money order will do. They only cost 79 cents.”

“Whatever, fine. OK, the scoop of my life, the career-saving news item, my retirement nest egg, Psycho Pete, what is your name and where do you live?”

“My name is—————————–”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon, On Assignment By WDIG Out In Milford Nature Area, Stampeded By A Herd Of Elephants!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Curator noted they were doing a ritual dance while an East African female was in gestation.”

 

 

Shout-out to John Buntain, of Louisville, Kentucky, for losing 80 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!! This was his 3rd straight day of working out and he is DETERMINED. He told me one of the keys to his weight loss was WILL POWER. He just laid off the heavy stuff (burgers, fries, etc.) , no matter how tempting it was to gorge into a Big Mac or Whopper, and exercised a lot. Sounds like a recipe for success. John deserves respect because he did all this while at an oloder age. Sometiomes losing a pound as you get older is TOUGH. But John did it. Got my respect, Big Guy. You da Man.

 

 

And as for P2

If these walls could speak

 

They would tell you that I’m sorryyyyyyy

For being an overarching snake

They would tell you that

This program is sponsored by Shake ‘n’ Bake

 

If these walls could speak

 

They would tell you that I owe Gil

Twenty and some dimes at Milford Lounge

They would tell you that I’m only

A jerk, a lout, a scrounge

That’s if these walls could speak.

 

Dedicated to you, Amy Grant. You make a difference in people’s lives and LIVE your Faith as well. LOVE your music too.

 

 

“…a bear on Snuffy Smith’s porch while Jughaid is scratching himself????????”

“Oh, Gil, no wonder why Milford Comedy Club changed the locks. And we’ll take a commercial break. This is Marty Moon. You’re listening to WDIG on Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Hi, I’m Mr. Wall. I’m literally the front for WDIG. And I can’t afford to have bad breath when I’m on the job. the employees would call in sick and sponsors would defect to WMFD. That’s why I use Industrial-Size Scope. One spray from the Milford Fire Department fire truck hose, a gurgle for 30 seconds, spit it down the sewer and as long as the pipes aren’t stopped up, my breath is horticulturally fresh. I can’t afford to reek embarrassing odors that bring the EPA out of the closet. They have enough to worry about in Gil’s office since I heard he rarely flushes in his personal WC. Imagine doggy-doo on your carpet with a Bucket Rocky Road Shake spread all over it with a heat lamp bearing down on it, magnified by a power of 10, carry the one, and you get the idea.

Try Industrial-Sized Scope today. Now available in Mint or Creamy Apple Cider at Milford Pharmacy, home of the 99 cent X-Lax. Constipation has met its Waterloo.”

 

Thanks to Sarcastic Jack for help with the above idea. He’s a funny guy who feeds me great ideas. He proves no man is an island. Can’t do this post alone, trust me. Sarcastic Jack is one of the little help from my friends.

 

The lunatic is on the mike

The lunatic is on the mike

He’s doling out programs about ‘Larks lack of game

And every game the head usher brings more

 

You lock his door

And cut off his podcast

You rearrange his head

Cuz this won’t last

 

And if Boob won’t shut up and seek real jobs

Besiege his screed with angry mobs

And if he won’t shut up about Gilbert’s lack of shrewd

I’ll see him rambling in the booth with Marty Moon

 

 

The laughter you hear is Boob making fun of Gil’s coaching in a padded cell somewhere on the grounds of Milford State Hospital. Sometimes having no life catches up with you. Or gets you run over by Babar’s family, as Marty proves.

 

All that you shoot

All that you root

]All that you miss

All you dis

All you rebound

And all that you bounce

All that you front

Block, box out, or steal

All you deny

And all you post up

All you tech up

All you pass

All that you bank

And all that you brick

All that you tank

All balls you kick

All the time outs

20 seconds or full

All plays you call

All you ball

And all you fast break

And every press you break

All that you swish

And everything you take out of bounds

Is the game

But the game is eclipsed by ol’ Moooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnn

 

The scoreboard clock is ticking while Luhm is heard to say

“Man, why doesn’t Marty clean up after himself? I’ve  never seen so many used-up coffee filters under the press box. Whew!!!!!!! Pewwwwwweeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that coffee grinds in tne corner???? That isn’t urine I smell, is it? I always wondered why he had both arms under the booth during a 20-second time out. Thank God it’s all dark, hard to tell.

 

 

WE ARE MILFORD’S KIDS. A MILLION STRONGGGGG AND GROWING

“Y’know, every time I hear that song, I’m thankful for our future generation. But sometimes that can be a problem when you have prior commitments and you still gotta watch the kids. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Don’t let babysitting detail impede you from The Good Life. The Warehouse is proud to announce that every Friday night from 7-10 is Kid’s Night Out. You heard right, when you purchase any bottle of booze, your child, as part of the Kids Drink Free promo, will receive a free soft drink of his/her choice. Oh boy, if you use that Visa Gold for Crown Royal Whiskey, the kids get a Mr. Pibb on the house. And all you have to do is show proper ID at the door and the kid present their Student ID. But hey, we’re not picky around here. If you have no prior convictions, your child can bring his/her Jungle Book lunch box and as long as it his has his/her name on it, why, come on in, the liquor’s fine. Just clean the Jif Peanut Butter stains is all we ask, for health reasons. We don’t want anybody getting germs off Chateau Ste. Michelle Blackberry Wine. Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey tastes a little sweeter when ya see the kids downing a Choc-ola. I know, because when Mimi went to her basketball seminar in Minneapolis to talk about improving the 5-game schedule so that the hotels wouldn’t be overbooked, I got left hangin’ with Keri and Jaime when it was Strip Poker Night at my house. No problemo, I just hauled off the kids to Mecca and got a couple of cases of Samuel Adams Boston Lager, a case of Bud Light Lime in the 24-pack and a bottle of Svedka Imported Swedish Vodka for Kaz. Some people love blowing their guts out while playing Old Maid. The kids were treated to Bud canes and some licorice, given generously by Bud Man who made an appearance and signed autographs for the kiddies and the kids at heart. They all washed it down with a Fresca. AND they went inside the Bud House, that’s right, a free-standing structure where the kids can go in and float around all over the place. NOW they know what it’s like when Daddy is hung over and the living room starts spinning. Golly gee, Chuck E. Cheese’s can’t do that. They just have humanoid bears trying to act like KISS and they serve refried pizza. I’d be blowin’ smoke like Gene Simmons on that pepperoni specimen, fer sure. C’mon, everybody, take the family down to the Milford Beverage Warehouse. I just lost my shirt and boxer shorts that night after  Coach Shaw showed a full house and the kids went off to La La Land with their Bud Man teddy bears. And the Milford Girls Basketball team will be staying in a Motel 6 from now on. Hey, Me and Tom Bodette will leave the light on for you.

 

 

 

 

But Coach Thorp is eclipsed by the Mooooonnnnnnnnnnnn

Whoops, oh well, same difference. At any rate, comment away. Booby should end his vigil by the time the skating marathon begins. He can’t bitch forever. I wouldn’t think.

 

P3-Remember that Martian that was Bugs Bunny’s nemesis? I claim this gym in the name of Mars. Maybe they can work out an exchange program and send Gil up for a coaching symposium. Send Booby the Martian back for a permanent lobotomy. It could happen.

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7 Comments »

  1. I know some TWIMers have speculated that Ruben reads this. Well, some of us have been criticizing Gil for years and have said what Robby is saying. So maybe he is. Not that it takes much imagination to think that Gil has been coasting for years. And he certainly rode the coattails of True Standish. Maybe he has his father in law on the school board. Oops! That’s hitting too close to home. To me, this has been more enjoyable that the last few years of storylines. Go get him Robby! You suck Gil!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 24, 2019 @ 7:18 pm

  2. Two points:

    1. No local radio station in the COUNTRY has a building that big.

    2. Marty’s boss, listening to Robby kicking sports-radio ass for the third straight day, ought to be thinking to himself: “Hmm, I could get rid of this drunken has-been and hire that snotnose kid for 50 percent less money… [hits intercom button] “Marty Moon, will you please report to the general manager’s office? Marty Moon, please see the General Manager. And bring your keys and parking pass.”

    Comment by jvwalt — January 24, 2019 @ 9:07 pm

  3. Did we see 6 wins last f’ball season? Lighting up the skink signal!

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — January 25, 2019 @ 7:17 am

  4. Yes we did. Milford was 6-3 last season (2 wins over Tates Creek and Tilden were not explicitly depicted, but reasonably inferred), 6-3 the season before, and 6-2-1 the season before that. They have won 6 games in 10 of the last 19 football seasons.

    Comment by billytheskink — January 25, 2019 @ 8:32 am

  5. Thanks! I’ve been wondering how much of the Ballad of Robby Bobby was Rubin dealing with a feeling that he’s just been going through the motions for the last 5 years writing this strip.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — January 25, 2019 @ 10:40 am

  6. In today’s GT, douchey, old-clothes-wearin’ radio station GM calls it “good radio”; ….they are trying to get a guy fired….I wonder how this jerk-off would feel if someone started in on how shitty his radio station is and tried to publicly get him and that drunk idiot Moon fired? In fact, didn’t someone try that about a year ago? They didn’t seem to like it too much, but it’s not stopping them from letting this girlfriend-less wienie go after Gil.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 25, 2019 @ 12:41 pm

  7. […] now we here at TWIM (and the strip itself) have made the point on more than one occasion that Gil and the Mudlarks would never have won the state football championship back in ’14 […]

    Pingback by The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Paint | This Week in Milford — January 30, 2019 @ 10:04 am


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