This Week in Milford

February 5, 2019

Full Mudlark Jacking Around

Filed under: Bobby Howry, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 3:15 pm

020519

Coach, you called him into the Oval Office for THAT????????

Let me get Gil’s office out of the way first. Don’t you all remember Gil’s office being fairly compact, semi-cluttered with playbooks, plays, betting slips, player evaluations (when he’s not on the golf course shootin’ his comic strip age-don’t EVEN wanna know what his age is if we’re going by age progression, Father Time range?-or teaching his own kids how to cuss when you shank one in the lake) , scouting reports, athletic director duties, order forms for athletic equipment (“Kaz, you remember how many balls for squash we have left on the ball rack?”) , his mail, junk mail (“Yes, you too can get a COMPLETE uncirculated President Dollar Series 39-coin collection, delivered right to your door. But call now, operators are standing by…”) , Mimi’s nude photos (scratch that) , newspapers, news clippings, Generic Gil, in general?

Oh, not today. Gil went from the out house to the penthouse, moving next door to George Jefferson

“Well, we’re movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

It’s time I get a real life

 

Yeah, I’m movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

I need to find a way to ditch my wiffffeeeeee

 

Wendy’s Chili in the kitchen

Bucket Clam Chowder on the grill

Man. I’m livin’ larger than Hefner

Plenty of Nehi to chill

 

God, I’m movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

Basement’s hard to draw plays for the guyyyysssssss

 

But I’m movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

It’s time we camped in that film room in the skyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

You understand this comes with problems.

“Louise, I can’t let that honky share the same floor with me. What are the brothers going to think?”

“George Jefferson, you know better than that. Now if you love me, you’ll keep that 1:00 appointment with Gil down at The Bucket for that banana split prayer and fellowship.”

 

“…so the chicken said to Paul Newman’s French Dressing packet, ‘ya wanna go with me?’

The salad dressing said, what do I look like, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise?”

From a random table at Milford Comedy Club

“Stay in the penthouse, Thorp!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Thanks to Heather Sanders, of Louisville, Kentucky for the comedy idea. It worked, Heather, and YOU helped.

 

Now to the situation per se.  Really, isn’t today’s 3 panels just a lost episode of Leave it to Beaver? And isn’t P1 the best Beaver Cleaver pose you’ve ever seen? Beaver, even if you are COMPLETELY innocent and you washed your hands of this whole affair, I’m still going to give you the belt ’til your butt turns black and blue. I’m not punishing you because you did anything but the fact you’d come up with such a hare-brained idea in the first place prompted my decision.

 

I can just see the TV ad

“Today, Beaver is presumed guilty until proven innocent when Eddie Haskell promises Beaver’s dad to use the trimmer on June’s garden in exchange for Beaver being grounded for the summer. Only on WDIG-TV.”

 

So from now on, Beaver’s going to have to stand in the corner (hey, the penthouse has plenty of those) if he DREAMS of not doing his homework, pulling Lisa Simpson’s hair, pissing on Schroeder’s piano, calling Mr. Wilson’s wife a whore (“Henry, did you hear what happened to Dennis?”) , egging Archie Andrews’ jalopy, sugaring Jughead’s hamburgers, throwing firecrackers on Snuffy Smith’s porch, injecting Ex-Lax in Marmaduke’s dog food, unplugging the amps at a Partridge Family concert, and showing the X-rated version of Our Gang.

“So that’s what Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla, and Buckwheat look like playing kickball at a nudist colony. Did they get their parents’ permission?”

No, I can’t see “The child goes raw with my permission” either, Beaver.

Coach, we have a Constitution. I know your players use it as a wet rag for their shoes so they don’t slip on the floor but the rest of the U.S. population use it to DEFEND THEIR RIGHTS, keep this country from becoming a dictatorship, that sort of thing. Lordy, what would happen if the WDIG station manager staged a  coup.

And the damage is done, Coach. Why are you putting Filion in Double Jeopardy? (smacks head) I forgot, because the Constitution is reduced to Charmin in the 2-ply, 12-roll pack.

Mr. Whipple in aisle 8 at Milford Wholesale Foods, spotting Mimi in sexual ecstasy.

“Mrs. Thorp, how many times do I have to tell you, don’t squeeze the Constitution?”

“I can’t help it, Mr. Whipple. It reminds me of a fling I had in high school.”

 

WHAT prompted this heart-to-heart unconstitutional chat between Beaver and Ward

 

THE DAYS OF FINGER-SPLICING BETTY ROTTEN CROTCH ARE OVER. YOUR HEART BELONGS TO GOD BUT YOUR ASS BELONGS TO THE CORPS. MY JOB AS YOUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR IS TO TEACH YOU MAGGOTS HOW TO SURVIVE. THE FIRST WORD AND THE LAST WORD COMING OUT OF YOUR FILTHY SEWERS WILL BE SERGEANT, IS THAT CLEAR

sergeant yes sergeant

BULL SHIT QUIT TALKIN’ TO THE GROUND, YOU SLIME

SERGEANT YES SERGEANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT. NOW WE’RE GOIN’ ON A 239-MILE RUN, YOU WEAK BOW-LEGGED MOMMA’S BOYS. I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR CANTEEN

 

“Man, Filion, I didn’t think try-outs would be this tough.”

 

And P2 is bringing more of the same only filled with more pictures that Gil just got back from Milford Car Wash. Geez, I’ll have to take my vehicle down there if they buffer them that nicely. Anyway, Beaver’s contriteness and shirt are running a friendly competition for what reeks the most. That shirt was more than likely used with Turtle Wax to spit-shine Gil’s portaiture of his stance in the dugout while his pitcher is getting shelled (Hey, as long as he gets them across the Delaware, it doesn’t really matter how cold the water is) , so I’m going with shirt but will give partial credit if you vote contriteness.

“Beaver gave his life to Jesus tonight at the Billy Graham Crusade. Are there more?”

 

Now to what Beaver might have said, let’s listen in

“Now Beaver, you don’t have to tell me now, if you don’t feel comfortable ratting on your friends-”

“Honest, Dad, me and Wally didn’t use a helicopter to spray any billboard. Wally only has his learner’s permit. He’d have to have some adult fly with him-”

“Now, Beaver, the whole town of Milford saw you, Wally, and Miss Grundy flying around the city, almost hitting the Milford water tower. It’s only natural that people would have ideas, given the nature of the crime.”

“Well, Dad, I’ve been meaning to tell you. I just found out that they caught Eddie Haskell and Lumpy Rutherford TP’ing Robby’s signs. I guess they ran out of Krylon. They stole ’em from art class. The police caught ’em with a trunkful of Scottowels.”

“Beaver, this is going to hurt me than it hurts you. I never use the paddle more than necessary but when you didn’t do anything and Eddie and Lumpy were caught red-handed, it set off a bad precedent. You’ll never learn that bad plots cause bad people. Look what it did to Pebbles Flintstone. Got caught for shoplifting at the Bedrock Kwik-EE Mart.”

“I understand, Dad. But me and Wally and Miss Grundy only went to the Milford Museum of Natural Sciences and History with the helicopter. We would never spray-paint a dinosaur. BTW, do you need a Coke Zero on your hair? Your Brylcreem’s beginning to melt.”

Thanks to Noi Khampadith, of Louisville, Kentucky, with help with the last comedy idea. You brighten my day, Noi.

 

PRIVATE PYLE, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. GET OFF THIS COURSE. YOU’RE JUST BREAKING MY FUCKING HEART, YOU LILY-LIVERED SCUMBAG. OF ALL THE GODDAMNEST GRUNTS THAT CAME THROUGH MY PLATOON, YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING TUB OF DOGSHIT GOD EVER LAID EYES ON, YOU SORRY-ASS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING

“Coach, he just missed a lay=up. He’ll get it right before lay-up drills are over.”

 

“So I told Beaver, while the chicken was running off the helicopter with Kraft Low-Fat Thousand Island dressing, ‘what am I, Pumpkin-Flavored Cool Whip?'”

Mimi inserting last dish in the dishwasher, still looking at Calgon stain on the rotor blade of dishwasher

“Need to do better than that this Friday at the Club, Gil.”

Heather, you come through again.

 

At the Milford Gym one afternoon during basketball practice

One hand on a basketball, the other on their significant other

I GOT A BASKETBALL, I GOT A GUNNNNNNNNN

I GOT A BASKETBALL, I GOT A GUNNNNNNNNN

ONE’S FOR SHOOTIN’, THE OTHER’S FOR FUN

ONE’S FOR SHOOTIN’, THE OTHER’S FOR FUN

MY LARKS

MY LARKS

YOUR LARKS

YOUR LARKS

THE MUDLARKS

THE MUDLARKS

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day.

“Gil, they are wearing basketball shorts when they’re practicing, right? We’ve had a few parents complain.”

 

We now turn to P3. When Leave it to Beaver brings closure to things and everybody lives happily ever after. I mean, really, when did you see the men in white suits put Wally in a strait jacket and wheel him off to the Milford State Hospital? And the show ENDS? Ain’t gonna happen. So we listen with bated breath for Ward Cleaver to recite from Our Daily Bread while Beaver confesses that he went with BOTH women from Three’s A Company to see the Saturday matinee of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”, even though everybody was fully-clothed.

“Beaver, that’s beside the point. It’s not good etiquette to take 2 women to a show, other people might think you’re a male prostitiute. I’m afraid I’m going to have to use my fraternity paddle on your behind to teach you a lesson that women are not cattle.”

“I understand, Dad. But Jack DID say it was OK. He had to go out of town on a Norman Vincent Peale seminar. And, I swear, they only served Coke at the concession stand. And Snicker’s King Size. No Gin & Tonic, nuthin’ like that.”

Thanks to Noi once again. Your input HELPED. Keep it up.

Also to Sheldon Campbell of Louisville, Kentucky. the comedy idea went off like a dream. You da Man.

 

I HAVE FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FILION CANNOT SLAM DUNK THE BASKETBALL WITH 2 HANDS NO MATTER HOW MUCH I’VE TRIED TO TEACH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO FROM NOW ON, I WILL BE BLAMING YOU SINCE HE CAN’T STAY AWAY FROM BUCKET LIVER CHEESEBURGERS!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE FLOOR, YOU MAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE SIR!!!!!!!!!

TWO SIR!!!!!!!!

……

“So the maggots one night wrapped basketballs with Holiday Inn towels and proceeded to Filion who was sleeping in his car. One maggot asked another maggot, ‘Ya ready to pound his ass with some Spaldings?’

The other maggot responded, ‘what do I look like, KFC Chicken Tenders with Hidden Valley Ranch dressing all over my hair?'”

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Thorp Banned From Milford Comedy Club!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Last time lock-out occurred was when Lenny Bruce came to town.”

 

Heather, you come through one more time. See, I told you your ideas are important.

 

One night, behind the door of the den at Coach Shaw’s house

I GOT A RIFLE I GOT A GUNNNNNNNNNN

ONE’S FOR SQUIRREL MEAT THE OTHER’S FOR FUNNNNNNNNN

“Oh, honey, open the door. I’m ready to be shot.”

Coach Shaw, trapped by his own petard, thinks fast.

“Can’t. It would take 3 days to unload this rifle. The trigger’s very sensitive.”

“But you said once that you could take apart a rifle in 39 seconds.”

“Bluh, bluh, our grandkids got Play-doh stuck in the barrel. I’ll need some Liquid Plumber. There’s some right here under my duck boots.”

“But you said once you could unclog a Winchester with a 6-pack of Diet Coke. In fact, you drank the last one in victory because the clog dissolved faster than expected.”

“Honey, I can’t help it if hamster droppings got caught down the chute from the hamster cage.”

“You actually dumped hamster doo-doo and hamster pellets down your rifle?”

“One night I had one Michelob too many. I wasn’t in my right mind.”

“But you cleaned it when you recovered from your hangover.”

“Darling, it was a pain in the gut to clean the gun with Drain-O and some Swiffer. And try using a Brill-O pad when the room is spinning. But the gun is stain-free.”

“BTW, we don’t have hamsters. We have Guinea pigs.”

 

“A lack of training in household pets taught me that I needed to get my act together in Erectile Dysfunction. With treatment programs that work, isn’t it time YOU went down to the Clinic before you go to the Reserve huntin’ rabbits? Get your priorities straight, Men. The rabbits’ll still be there. You have memories ahead if you choose to regain your intimacy. Come hunt it down today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Noi, The last comedy idea is severely crippled without your input. You did it again.

 

Today’s entry in Black History Month is a personal favorite of mine, Clifford Brown. Man, he was one of the greatest. A Miles Davis before Miles Davis showed up on the scene. A giant of Jazz back in the ’50’s, he performed Jazz standards such as “Sandu”, “Joy Spring” (LOVE the tune) , and “Daahood”. He was a critics’ favorite, getting rave reviews in influential publications like Down Beat. His crisp and carefree BUT disciplined style has found a way in my heart, not to mention his just NEVER missing a note when he  trumpets many times at the speed of light. He was a sensation on a lot of variety shows like Soupy Sales’ program. Brown was tragically killed in 1956 when he was in a car, along with Richie Powell and his wife and the car was a victim of bad weather conditions on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Your light still shines, Clifford. You have an audience with me. I hope he does with you too, gang.

Comment way, gang. I’ll be watching Batman because this Beaver Marathon is getting on  my nerves.

DON’T TRY TO DO ANY BETTER PRIVATE PYLE. YOU’D BE MAKIN’ ME FUCKING HAPPY, SWEETHEART. DID SOMEBODY PISS IN YOUR WHEATIES THIS MORNING????????? I’LL GET RID OF THAT TUB OF SHIT IF I GOTTA GET A STEAMROLLER AND FLATTEN YOUR ASS ON THE FUCKING CONCRETE

“Dr. Pearl, you don’t have to shout. They can hear you 3 floors up. I’ll have the academic transcripts turned in this afternoon. Should be eligible for tonight’s game. We tip off at 7:30. I got the referee’s contract signed this morning.”

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7 Comments »

  1. Rubin’s go-to move: Careening madly among multiple plotlines and never resolving any of them satisfactorily.

    Comment by jvwalt — February 5, 2019 @ 7:24 pm

  2. Apropos of nothing, I’m just gonna drop this in here:

    Comment by timbuys — February 5, 2019 @ 8:52 pm

  3. If this kid ends himself, his blood is on Gil’s hands. Thorp’s done all but holler “Jump!”

    Comment by teenchy — February 5, 2019 @ 9:04 pm

  4. You are right teenchy. We also know Gil doesn’t care. Wouldn’t be his first.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — February 5, 2019 @ 10:53 pm

  5. Another thing. When did we establish that Filion is prone to harebrained antics? He was a bland, inadequate quarterback. Then he started poppin’ “That 70s Show” references, and then he got sad. I haven’t seen a single antic from the guy.

    Comment by jvwalt — February 6, 2019 @ 7:53 am

  6. I’d be depressed too if the best playful yet insulting banter that I could come up with is “let’s go kettleheads”

    Comment by franku2016 — February 6, 2019 @ 10:16 am

  7. SUPER COMMENTS, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dunno, Judd Hirsch does better shrinking our Hero in “Ordinary People” than Dr. Gil. Your input solidified that opinion. I stand behind ya, gang.
    Timbuys, thank you SO MUCH for the video. You KNOW they are ALWAYS welcome and today was no exception. A little Jazz Fusion, a la Herbie Hancock and Chick Corea, a little Brubeck, a little Bud Powell. She is DEFINITELY high on my list to be checked out. I have always liked your musical direction. Keep ’em coming.
    Gang, YOU hold the keys to Free Speech. Never let go of them. It’s how we run the store around here. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — February 10, 2019 @ 11:33 am


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