This Week in Milford

February 12, 2019

Now My Sanity’s Unraveling, They’ve Come To Take Me Back.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, shadow figures — tdrewhardin @ 3:55 pm

021219

‘LARKS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘LARKS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, Robmize, gimme a break(ha). SOMEBODY’S reporting next week and it might be the bat boy for all I care so technically, I can start my Harry routine right off the bat(pardon the pun). Call it Spring Training in posting. Me and the bat boy are going to go through some excruciating exercises because we’ve been out of practice for a while. The bat boy might need a reminder where the dugout is located and I need to get my voice back in condition to sing about Jody Davis. Plus, I’ll need to get my wind back to sustain Steve Stone’s nasty cigars. I’m still using a fan to help ward off the panatella but good lungs in excellent working order wouldn’t hurt. I’ll just enter the Boston Marathon carrying a billy goat and participate in a triathlon where I have to swim through Jaws if I want to win the race. Heck, I oughta be able to inhale Steve’s smoke and hold it for several minutes and blow it right back at Gil. For singing, I’ll just practice trying to keep up with Deep Purple’s “Highway Star’ when it’s played at ’78. Singing about Jody and annoying the Hell out of Steve Stone and Lou Boudreau oughta be a breeze.

“You’re going to see Doctor Dimento and that’s FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dad”, said Beaver while blowing fumes of a Havana towards Ward’s nasal cavity, “Isn’t he a DJ? Where does he find the time to practice?”

 

I feel this plot move under my feet

I feel it rot underneath me

I feel my heart start to trembling

Whenever Gil is out of his tree

 

Oooooooooo, Baby

Don’t you hate this

Sigmund Freud meets Bobby Knight

Ooooooooooo, Lordy

I can’t stand this

And Filion’s face is quite a fright

I just got to read “Cathy”

 

Carole King in full swing, She will aid in decapitating today’s strip et al.

 

And the first item to address, I mean THE FIRST order of business is to have you enlarge today’s panels and observe P1. If that isn’t a prime candidate for a Clearasil ad, nothing will ever be. Doesn’t he have sandpaper in his locker so that he can smooth over his countenance? As long as we’re going to talk about polite thievery when it comes to stealing Christmas Office Party food, can’t he hock some sheets out of the Industrial Arts room? My God, when I was struggling with making a book rack look like a book rack and wound up looking like the basketball goals the last couple of strips, I had more sandpaper to sand down than Gil has plots. Sandpaper in your desk, your shop locker, behind the lathe, under the power saw, planted in the pages of “Woodworking Today”, the teacher’s desk under his 1997 USA Today, lodged in the tin sheets. Mike, Politely stuff a few in your 3-subject notebook where there’s a compartment so they can be easy reference (“Found my sandpaper!!!!!!!!!”) and before the game, use some Oxy 5 and sandpaper to massacre those bad boys, use a Brillo pad to finish off the job, but only as a last resort. Let it dry at least 1/2 hour before tip-off. If the sandpaper you hocked won’t level a gerbil turd on the counter, your teacher went cheap this when ordering Industrial Arts materials. Thank God, High School Athletic Associations haven’t voted in a Zit Rule. Filion would be ejected before he entered the locker room around when the JV game is going on.

Now if those are warts, then he’s related to Broom Hilda and this might take a little more time. I don’t know if your shop teacher ordered eye of newt. You’ll have to check. Ditto if those are the measles. Archie Andrews’ freckles. Somebody got carried away in “Pluggers” and drew polka dots for the hell of it. That sort of thing. Don’t be afraid to confront your shop teacher on these things. It’s your face.

 

“Coach, he’ll have to sit a quarter until he removes those warts.”

“Kaz, is that Compound W still in your coat pocket?”

 

And for those of you majoring in Algebra and Solid Trig at Milford Community College, the caption in P1 oughta be a snap to figure out. The rest of you that had trouble with your x’s and y’s, I’ll give you a little more time. I still have 2 more panels to ramble on to decipher the code. The word “dozen” throws off a lot of people.

Gil on his conference phone with Dr. Pearl because it looks more official than having the same conference in the family room at Milford Lounge

“So if we order online 4 dozen Bucket Ovaltine Chocolate Shakes, 10 dozen Bucket Jalapeno Cheeseburgers, 1 dozen Bucket Liver Cheeseburgers, 20 dozen straws, 40 dozen pounds of Bucket Cape Cod Salted Fries, 20 dozen pounds Bucket o’ Buffalo Wings, 7pi dozen of Bucket Cream Cheese Doughnuts, 6 dozen Bucket Bagels & Lox, 13 dozen Bucket Blue Crullers, 300 ounces of Bucket Caffeine-Free Root Beer, that’d make (As Gil is punching his Texas Instrument TI-10 calculator that Mimi gave him as a wedding gift 30 years ago) 48, 120, 12, 240, 480, 240, approximately 21.98, 72, 3600, and 156 for the kids’ Valentine’s Day Dance the Plot Away this Friday, right?”

“Gil, I’m afraid you have the last 2 numbers in the wrong order.”

Gil, shakes the calculator, puts it to his ear for a pulse reading, then looks at it. Then he does the math, literally, with his #2 pencil beside him.”

“Shit, you’re right, Dr. Pearl, I pressed the Memory Plus function instead of the Memory Minus function. It’s been a long day playing Shrinkin’ and Stinkin’ with Mike.”

So to set the record straight, Irby had 2 dozen points, Filion had 3/4 dozen assists, quite an accomplishment, given the 2-on-5 set-up. I know Gil was trying to lay down the law by benching his people for violating team rules but who would inbound the ball should either one of the foul out? Gil, that’s why you’d have to call the game (In the rule book, gang, BTW) . Can’t run along the end line and throw a cross-court pass to yourself. Then there’s the defense. Box-and-zero? Matchup zone? Learn something new every day. Don’t EVEN try man-to-man. Clearouts ought to be a cinch. Filion and Irby out by the half-court line guarding their man while the passing lanes are wide enough for a Union Pacific to plow through, Gil better change defenses on that one. Unless you want to cave in on your principles and insert your suspendees in the game which might make more sense.

 

This plot has been a travesty

Of Nerf-Ball colored hues

No one’s playing basketball

Or cares about its news

 

Gil’s coached for years in Mudlark gym

Under some damn wicked spell

And I’ve had to see him suffer

Though I didn’t know him well.

 

So Ward Cleaver is going to stick to his guns and make Beaver see Sid the Shrink (Remember him from “M.A.S.H.”?) after all. And there’s a part of me that believes there’s a lost episode where the girls at school says Beaver has cooties, Beaver flunked the Spelling Bee, Wally flushed his hamster down the toilet, June donated that last piece of pumpkin pie to Goodwill Industries so that Beaver couldn’t have an extra piece, and Eddie Haskell’s mom has been having an affair with Coach Luhm in the boiler room at midnight. And there’s a part of me seeing Beaver lying on the linoleum floor (the ’50’s, you understand) while he turns on the oven. Well, so that I don’t scare you and because the ’50’s were justifiably short on reality, he turns on the Kenner job that he snuck out of Peppermint Patty’s house. I’ll let you use your imagination on how he was able to walk down the street with said hocked merchandise in broad daylight.

“Ward, have you noticed Beaver’s been sleeping in his sleeping bag by the Amana range lately?”

 

He coached with some uncertainty

As if he didn’t know

Just what sets to run on D

Or where guards need to go

Once he reached for his Paper-Mate

And tried to run a play

The center was all confused

Black and blue and lotta gray

 

And remember Ren and Stimpy? Sure you do. Remember the “Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy” episode where Stimpy is trying, blatantly unsuccessfully to infuse “Happy” and “Joy in Ren’s life? Allow me to transpose P2 and P3 so that Ren is trying to get Stimpy to see Sid the Shrink instead of Gil to Filion.

“WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE, REN, I DON’T NEED TO SEE THE SHRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! as Stimpy is bouncing off the backboard, the back of the backboard, dunking on the 8-foot goal in the corner while playfully singing “HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY” and forcing Marty to abruptly stop his interview with the 4 Seasons and hustle over, lest he gets outscooped by the Milford Times again. Scoop me once, shame on you, Scoop me twice, shame on me, that sort of thing.

“STEEM-PEE, YOU EE-DEE-IT, YOU NEED  TO STEEL SEE A SHREENK. AND GEET AWAY FROM MAR-TEE MOON!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOU GOIN’ TO EEEX-PLAIN WHY YOU WERE HUMP-EENG THE RAF-TURRRS, YOU WERE SO LOONY.”

Stimpy is done with being in heat on the ceiling, heads towards the suspendees who need some cheering since they aren’t playing and they all sing “HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY”, trying to get Marty to sing along but Marty wants a scoop, not getting humped on his leg.

Way to stay the course in P3, Ren.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Filion Arrested After Damaging Popcorn Machine At Game!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Got carried away doing Townshend’s ‘Windmill’ routine and Daltrey’s ‘Microphone Twirling’ act.”

 

Okay, time’s up. Dozen means ’12’ so if you multiply a dozen by 2 you’ll get (checking my calculator) 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Checked Schaum’s Outline Series-Precalculus so no need to look in Oxford English Dictionary for confirmation.

 

Today’s entry in Black History Month is Curt Flood. A VERY misunderstood ballplayer, he was thankfully exonerated as the years passed. An excellent center fielder with 7 Gold Gloves to his credit, hitting .300 6 times, a 3-time All Star and a member of 2 World Series Champions (St. Louis Cardinals, 1964 and 1967), he hit a buzz saw when the Cardinals traded him to the Philadelphia Phillies and he initially refused to report, challenging the Reserve Clause that had ruled Major League Baseball until the mid’70’s. The Reserve Clause basically stated that a player was bound to a ball club unless the player retired, was traded to another team. or the player was released from that team. Flood argued when he took his case to the Supreme Court that the rest of the business world lives under contracts and when that contract expired, the player was a free agent and free to deal with any club he chose. He lost the case and was essentially blackballed from the baseball world but he did pave the way for players revolting against the Reserve Clause and eventually having it removed. Gang, yes, many ballplayers are overpaid spoiled brats but many just wanted to get out of bad situations, especially when their contract ran out. Charlie Finley comes to mind. His asinine moves and autocratic methods, many which backfired and drove off many talented ballplayers bolstered Flood’s argument. Please join me to salute a man who stood tall and was only trying to do it The American Way.

 

YOU MAKE ME FEEEEEEEELLLLLLL SO ALIVE

YOU MAKE ME FEEL

YOU MAKE ME FEEL

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN

 

“You have a good voice, Mimi.”

Thanks, Mrs. Kaz. Now we still need to get gifts for Valentine’s Day.”

“I was thinking of getting Bob a gift certificate from Milford Aesthetic Dentistry. They have wonderful plans that only cost 1/2 the lien on the house. And Bob with snow white pillars like the Parthenon with his earrings? Sexy.”

“Maybe, but Gil hates the place after they used pliers to remove a back wisdom tooth. it’s one thing to look beautiful but when the doctor had to borrow the tool box from the utility pole man, Gil went down the street to Milford Smiles, Incorporated for his dental work. No more sandblasting his bicuspids.”

“Hey, I know. What about Organic Fair Trade Coffee from Milford Coffee Worx? That and some danish on Valentine’s Day watching Milford Shopping Mall traffic is soooooo romantic. They also come in caramel and cherry flavors. And diet caramel if you’re trying to lose weight.”

“Gil would rather spend Valentine’s Day down at the Milford Lounge. They’re running specials at Happy Hour. Half-price on heart-shaped crab-legs and Russell Stover Pecan Turtles between 4-6 P.M. That and a Gerst Dark Malt will make a special Valent-”

Mrs. Shaw barges in

“HERE I AM WITH SOME GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! The Milford Men’s Clinic is running a special for this Valentine’s Day. Just bring in a Doctor’s documentation on your husband’s ED and the Clinic will give a you a $500 Gift Card!!!!!!!!!!!! No more vibrators or going to Milford Adult Shoppe for stimulation!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more embarrassing moments suggesting he sharpen his pencil. The Gift Card is a way to broaden your horizons and your husband’s significant other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Wow, I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!! So if I get Gil’s paperwork out of the file cabinet in the kitchen and take it down to the Clinic, I can get a Gift Card too?”

“That’s right. So what are you waiting for? I just had the time of my life with my husband in the Port-o-Let at Milford Park.”

“Come on, Mrs. Kaz, let’s go. Valentine’s Day will never be the same.’

“Right behind you, Mimi, getting Bob’s papers out of the glove box now.”

“Make Valentine’s Day truly a Day of Love like Mimi and Mrs. Kaz, only at the Milford Men’s Clinic.”

 

Gang, comment away. We’ll see how long Filion stays in Stimpy mode. Wonder if that competes with the Billboard sketch this week. but that’s another story. Unless it’s Thorpiverse and then it’s A LOT OF stories.

 

Soon within this travesty

That’s clearly for the birds

Gil sat down on an empty bench

And turned into a turd

 

It seemed that he had fallen

Flatly on his back

Now this travesty’s unraveling

We hope we don’t go back

 

We hope we don’t go back

6 Comments »

  1. Somebody in P1 thinks Milford is #1. That’s great. They beat Tiden’s freshmen team.
    When is basketball practice? 3PM TO 5PM THERE abouts? Mikey can’t make a night time appointment? And as usual Gil is being a My way or the highway turd as he figures out the math in his head what is the max amount of games we can win and still miss the play downs. Gil has of course instructed the team no Gatorade baths. There’s rotgut in it that needs to be consumed.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — February 12, 2019 @ 5:11 pm

  2. Harry Caray singing about Jody Davis (there are many iterations of his little songs, but always began “Jo-Dee! Jody Davis!”

    Jo-Dee! Jody Davis!
    Your home runs go so far.
    Jo-Dee! Jody Davis!
    National League hitting star.

    And then Harry would drink more whiskey. Despite the ads saying he was a Cub Fan and a Bud Man, it wasn’t Budweiser in that coffee mug, he was always drinking the hard stuff while doing the play-by-play for TV Cubs games. It was always fun to hear him start slurring words and getting really frustrated with how bad the Cubs were during the last innings of yet another loss, really the only reason to stay tuned in. By the way, for those who haven’t heard, this will be the last year the Cubs will be televised by WGN-TV, who’ve been broadcasting the games for something like 70 years, including all the times of Harry and of Jack Brickhouse, another Hall-of-Fame announcer who proceeded Caray, with practically every game of the season on TV.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — February 12, 2019 @ 7:14 pm

  3. That’s right Moon. I remember Harry saying the reason he left the Sox was because some of their games were on Sportsvision which was one of , if not thee first pay TV for baseball. Harry went to WGN for “the shut-ins” as he described those who maybe could not afford pay TV. And things have certainly changed. I suppose he did drink the hard stuff. But with the Sox I always thought of him as a Falstaff drinker, and always will. He and Jimmy Piersall were simply the best.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — February 12, 2019 @ 7:59 pm

  4. Great stuff Jive! Yes, Jimmy Piersall was quite the color man, especially if you’d seen Norman Bates play him in the movie “Fear Strikes Out”. I remember Falstaff’s beer-drinking bovine mascot from back then, Harry’s Holy Cow.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — February 12, 2019 @ 8:09 pm

  5. Moon Mullins and Jive Turkey, SUPER JOB TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! I listen to a lot of radio baseball broadcasts, including the Cubs and Cardinals, and one year, during a rain delay with the Cardinals and, say, the Mets, Darrell Porter, and a couple of other Cardinals, I’ll just throw in Bob Forsch and Jim Kaat, were discussing the good ol’ days from who was the clutch hitter to what signs they would use for pitches or whether to swing away and this lasted at least 45 minutes to an hour and it was simply a dream listening to guys talking pure baseball. Finally, I think it was Darrell Porter who turned to Bob Carpenter, the play-by-play that night, and said to the effect “We hope we’re not taking over the broadcast.” Carpenter’s response was classic: “Oh, I’m just taking this in.”
    That’s how I felt today. Moon, great Jody Davis story, I loved how on the radio when, after Harry had imbibed, as you mentioned, some Jack and would start singing the praises of Jody after Davis hit, like, a grand slam, Harry would be caterwauling, Boudreau would FINALLY say in a roundabout way STFU. And thanks for the info on WGN. You too, Jive Turkey, great story.

    You gentlemen make Democracy work and keep the stories flowing so that Democracy can keep working.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — February 13, 2019 @ 2:49 pm

  6. […] was Valentine’s Day when we last saw any game highlights) or a word with Mike Filion (since it was two days before that when we last saw him and we don’t know if Gil ever let him back into […]

    Pingback by Papered Over and Out | This Week in Milford — March 9, 2019 @ 8:41 pm


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