This Week in Milford

February 26, 2019

I Got The Message, But I Didn’t Want It Straight From You

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First off, in order to impress the readership on the conversation, loosely speaking, between SNNNNNAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! and Mimi, the artistry has graced us with 2 neo-Doric columns, freshly imported from the mines of Crete. I’ll admit they add a nice decor to the pub and it’s doing its part to make things upscale. But why not have a frieze at the top, where ancient symbols are displayed to enhance the touch and ambiance of the place? We’re not in Kansas or Greece anymore, so little drawings of chariots and horses and Socrates at the Agora debating with Gil Thorpius how to run   the half-court press, (the plebians are 50-50 on this one) wouldn’t be appropriate, neither would pictographs of Toto or Dorothy’s family flying around in their Studebakers in a tornado. Therefore, why not create pictographs of Milford’s basketball team executing the isolation play, designed to remind everybody that basketball still exists and to get the center a 2-foot shot? Or some Mudlark picks a Goshen player’s pocket and he runs down the other end for the 180-I’m-Gonna-Go-Groovin’-So-Ya-Better-Get-Movin’-Cake-Bakin’-Baby-Shakin’-Rump-Rostin-Bun-Toastin-Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am-Glass-Breaker-I-Am Jam. Or a Reverse Dunk, that fits. I think you can fit all that as pictographs on the frieze. You might need an extra chisel but Greeks found a way to put a late entry in at the chariot races. Then there’s the architrave, the part above the frieze. Hell, twist booby’s arm or slip him a $100 bill and get him to do some more Gil-bashing. Here’s some ideas that might fit within the architrave

“Don’t drink the water here at Barney’s or from Gil’s faucet.”

“Gil’s wife is actually drinking Squoze Lemonade in this strip today.”

“How can anyone criticize Gil as a coach when basketball is on a pinball machine at Barney’s?”

Heard somewhere in Barney’s

DAMN, I TILTED. SHOULDNTA SAID GIL WEARS FEDEX SHORTS AT GAMES

“The Gilberry Pumpkin ‘n’ Cinnamon Quiche with a side order of Spinach Fries is to die for.”

“The only thing upscale about Gil and Mimi is their tax bracket.”

 

Possibilities

 

Gang, gotta call it like I see it. Today, I will be LIBERALLY spreading ZZ Top’s “Afterburner”. It just seemed to be the right fit. I think you’ll see why.

 

I’m pickin’ up a signal

That’s in the pub tonight

It’s sparkin’ conversation

And my visage flashes white

 

I got the message

But I didn’t want it straight from you.

 

And while John Doe, Model, Esq., coming in a pinch from the Milford Modeling Agency because the Jordache Girl called in, is breaking the Fourth Estate in P1, you know you just had this feeling that Marty was going to get set up by the time we reached P3. C’mon, this isn’t The Brothers Karamazov, we don’t state the premise in P1, ramble for 1000 pages about Jeremy Bentham and the Pleasure Principle, John Locke and the notion of Private Property, Milton Friedman and his stance on a Free Economy (“The Government should not interfere in the affairs of The Bucket, Boris Smolyanorinovitch, unless you see a roach out in the parking lot. Then call Orkin.”) , Martin Luther should have used a sledge hammer when nailing the 95 Theses, Hegel’s Thesis and Anti-Thesis, Rachel Ray uses chocolate chips manufactured from the sweatshops of South Africa when baking her Holiday Cookies, only to get to P1000 and Mimi finally say “Marty, you’re fly is open.”

 

I was out of work, thinkin’ ’bout basketball

Trying not to lose my mind

Drove up quickly to the agency

Lookin’ for a job to find

 

Laying in a chair

Playing with my hair

My coaching, yes, wound up in wood

 

I tried washing dishes down at Barney’s pub

I toted flowers from FTD

Cement mixer paid the cable bill

Insurance salesman, garbage fee

 

Laying in a chair

Playing with my hair

Basketball, sucks, it wound up in wood

 

We leave P1 with Marty trying to be a perfect gentleman, but don’t kid yourself, anytime SNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEE is trying to be Don Juan, you wind up losing your mule. Then you have no way home back to your peasant farm and you have to pay the liege for the loss of the mule. Think Marty’s gonna pay for it? Mules work that way. And both are malodorous, one just wears a goatee.

 

What do you do

When the man’s a jerk

 

The ladies eat their Heinz

And Marty shirks of work

 

Don’t pose with your mug

As if you’re Clark Gable

 

C’mon, Moon, dolt

Just look for the table

 

Planet of Women

Oh yeah

Planet of Women

Oh yeah

This plot’s gone so insane

 

Marty’s trying to flirt

But the ladies ain’t buyin’

 

Decency would help

Plus some beggin’ and cryin’

 

They’re drinkin’ like a fish

And goin’ to town

 

They’ll get their jobs later

At the Milford Dog Pound

 

Just a Planet of Women

Oh yeah

Planet of Women

Oh yeah

Driving us insane

 

Now let’s get to the heart of the matter. I think Mimi’s comment was still a bit surprising, even when we were thrown hints that Booby is after Marty’s job. Why would a greenhorn, in the true sense of the word, keep showing up in Marty’s studio week after week,  broadcasting all the news that’s fit to broadcast about Gil’s coaching, then essentially go behind Marty’s back and talk with the station manager at WDIG? Marty, are you THAT DUMB? You walk down the hallway to get some coffee in the breakroom and you see, assuming the door is open, Booby in with the head honcho, did you really think Booby was taking orders from carry-out from the Milford Pizza Hut?

“Okay, I’ve got 2 12″ Pepperoni Pan Pizzas, 3 8″ Sausage & Pepperoni Thin Crust Pizzas, 1 15″ Canadian Bacon Cheese Crust Pizza, 2 Spaghettis w/Caesar’s Apple ‘n’ Bacon Salads, I Ravioli w/Mushrooms, hold the garlic, 15 Breadsticks, 5 Cokes, 2 Diet Cokes, I Mountain Dew, and a Grape Nehi, the Tinge of Wine Special. Is that it?”

“I think that’ll cover it, Booby.”

“GREAT. So when can I start next week?”

“You said your car should be done at Milford Body Shop on Tuesday?”

 

Really, this wasn’t a matter of “if”, but “when”. Sorta like the Girls Basketball season. But we’re still waitin’ for that. Never Fear, Midnight Madness should appear by Earth Day.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Girls Basketball Plants a Tree In Front of the ‘B’ Gym to commemorate Earth Day!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Both tree and team are expected to take time to develop.”

 

Now let’s get to the heart of the matter. Mimi, NO ONE on God’s green earth EVER thought that just because Booby was making scurrilous comments on billboards or radio programs, his own or Marty’s, that we were kidding ourselves or wanted to kid ourselves that Booby would make a suitable replacement for Gil. I mean, Gil is doing minimal coaching but, damn, Booby??????? Mimi, what part of NO FREAKIN’ WAY don’t you understand? A guy who was a marginal equipment manager who was rousting people’s games because he couldn’t get out on the football field himself because he’d get knocked on his ass by the tackling dummy and in general had NO EXPERIENCE playing football or basketball is in no condition to be coaching ANYTHING in high school. And stop using Wally Cleaver’s words, you dope.

“Marty, if Gil finds out you tried to ramrod Booby past the school board to be the Mudlark Boys Golf Coach, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

And Wally wearing Mimi’s earrings? God forbid that show up on The New Leave it to Beaver

 

My mind needs Excedrin

I’m about to blow a fuse

I ate my words so empty

So shoot ’em down the loo

 

I got the message

But I didn’t want it straight from you

 

Today’s Black History Month entry was a colorful character, Darryl Dawkins, or more affectionately known as “Chocolate Thunder” (Stevie Wonder started that one) . You can see he’s had an influence on me judging by one of his quotes above. Usually, they’re not ready to jump straight from  high school to the NBA, but if there ever was a dude, it was the Thunder. His dunks were so powerful and vicious and shattered a couple of backboards in the bargain that the NBA made a rule fining and suspending anybody who rendered a backboard useless. All that said, the man had game and had a productive career in the NBA from 1975-89. He won a Ring in ’89, with the Detroit Pistons, long overdue. Please join me in saluting a man who shaped the NBA in a forceful and positive way. The Playuh earned his money.

 

P3-Exploding eyeball effect and his hot dog stand is open for business, Gang, I think a picture speaks a thousand words.

 

It’s time to get down

Do the Disco Fox Trot

Dance a Ska Charleston

At Barney’s, that’s so hot

 

Dipping low in the Lap of Luxury

 

Now if you want to have fun

Get it on until dawn

Cha Cha fast and loose with Mimi

Then she’s got to mow the lawn

 

Dipping low in the lap of luxury

 

“Dr. Pearl, I had fun doin’ the Texas Line-Dance with you. Be good exercise for my basketball team.”

 

Gang, comment away. Now that the cat’s out of the bag that was already out of the bag, I think I’ll hit Barney’s for some Egg Plant Pomme Frites. I haven’t tried them with Gulden’s yet.

 

I’ve got to make a confession

I’m on needles and pins

Workin’ on a way out

At Barneys, dump my sins

 

I got the message

But I’ll never get it straight from you.

 

In the Milford Ad Section

“This Friday night, ZZ Top appears one night only at Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club, w/ special guest, Coach Shaw and his Jazz guitar, performing “Gimme All Your Lovin'” for an electrifying 11-minute solo plus Coach Thorp will sporting a beard with the Top, sunglasses he got from Junior Achievement, backing ’em up on his Kenner guitar. As an added bonus, the Ladies from Barney’s will be performing a strip tease, accompanied by “Sharp Dressed Man”. Get your tickets at The Bucket and all Milford Kwik-ee Mart outlets. Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!! BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Marty to Mimi

“Slip inside my sleeping bag”

And 1000 Other Quotes You Never Read or Hear in Gil Thorp, now out by Harcourt-Brace Publishers, in all your Borders Book Stores

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10 Comments »

  1. Mimi Thorp Has No Time For Anyone’s Bullshit.

    Fire Gil, hire Mimi.

    Comment by jvwalt — February 26, 2019 @ 3:51 pm

  2. The joke’s on you Marty; while you think Gil is worried about something that he deals with every year, Bobby is secretly shoving it up your ass while you guzzle beer.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 26, 2019 @ 3:56 pm

  3. With “You dope!” Mimi hews closely to “1959 with cell phones” (damn, I’m proud of that coinage, though I have to figure out a way to get in “21st century ketchup bottles.”) For younger Mfnrdians, “You dope” is roughly equivalent to “You dumb shit.” None of the later positive connotations here.

    Comment by vaganova — February 26, 2019 @ 6:47 pm

  4. Sorry the basic repeat– I thought the first post had been lost in the aether. If it’s not too much trouble, tdrew, strike #3?

    Repeat post has been banished to the backup tape drive of some WordPress server backup of a backup in a salt dome in an undisclosed data center in the middle of North Dakota. – TimP

    Comment by vaganova — February 26, 2019 @ 6:49 pm

  5. Vaganova, I always look forward to your input, in part because, if you strike out(you didn’t today and you rarely do), you strike out swinging. Thanks for the follow-up on Beaverspeak, something that had an interesting twist to it. I remember growing up where “dope” was pretty much roughly equivalent to “dumbass”. I agree it’s lost its punch. Good info.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — February 26, 2019 @ 7:33 pm

  6. Hey. jvwalt, let’s be fair about “Fire Gil, Hire Mimi”
    When Marty said Mimi should be AD, Gil offered her the job
    She said F That
    Unlike Marty, the Thorps have a pretty good grasp on the lowness of the stakes

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — February 26, 2019 @ 8:53 pm

  7. Maybe Gil knew this was happening all along and then why would he GAF? He get’s a grown-man big mouth off his ass for some squirrely little pipsqueak that no one pays attention to. It’s win-win for Gil. As for Marty, he probably won’t remember shit about that conversation with Mimi as he’s too busy checking out her ass.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 27, 2019 @ 8:11 am

  8. Meanwhile, Mike Fillion sits alone in his room listening to The Wall.

    Comment by timbuys — February 27, 2019 @ 9:11 am

  9. GREAT COMMENTS, GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody was ravaging Gil as usual and I was lovin’ every minute of it.

    Comment of the Day for me goes to Tim. With the demons that dude is battling, I can’t think of a better album to sustain the nightmare.

    Here we go

    Are there Bucket holdovers in Barney’s Pub tonight/Get ’em up against the wall(‘gainst the wall)

    And that one in the corner booth, his Booberry Kashi don’t look right to me/Get ’em up against the wall(‘gainst the wall)

    And that one’s from Oakwood and that one’s eating prunes

    Who let all this riff-raff into Barney’s room

    There’s one slurping his Bud

    Another’s spilling Dippin’ Dots

    If I had my wayyyyyyyyyy

    I’d have all of them SHOT

    Filion probably better hit a Taco Bell this week. There’s just a chihuahua at that place that only quieres
    tacos.

    Keep Democracy going, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — March 4, 2019 @ 4:21 pm

  10. […] between B/Robby’s “I work cheap!” to Mimi’s deduction that he was after Marty’s job.  (At least someone found that ladder Andre Ruffin forgot.) Maybe that last panel gives us a […]

    Pingback by Papered Over and Out | This Week in Milford — March 9, 2019 @ 8:42 pm


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