This Week in Milford

June 13, 2019

It Is Better To Spike The Volleyball With My Friends Than To Make The Final Cut On The Olympic Team With My Enemies.

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 7:57 am


Or something along those lines. I don’t know if she got that inspiration watching the Avogadro’s number of stars(you think that’s where he determined the number of molecules, reading this plotli-nahhhhhhhhhh, he and Galileo were at The Bucket, chompin’ on Bucket Pita Salad and Mosel Wine, hoping the Pisa Tower, now The Milford Tower Senior Citizen Retreat Center, didn’t fall on them) in P1.

Being a Christian, one of my favorite Scriptures comes from Proverbs: “It is better to eat soup with someone you love than steak with someone you hate.” A very good lesson and ONE of the lessons Linda learned along the Long and Winding Road that was this plot.

The trouble was, were you as confused as I was trying to figure out what in the name of Scratching at the Volleyball Net were the teams Mimi was talking about? College teams? Teams in the WNBA???? Is there a League in the Galaxy? Last I checked, Linda you’re still in high school. Okay, Confucius say, that if you’ve lost the drive for your favorite sport, playing sandlot leagues at the sand volleyball courts behind the east parking lot at Milford Lounge is perhaps your Viagara.

But whaddup with all this name-calling? For all we know, Mimi memorized names out of the Milford Phone Book, left dangling in a deserted phone booth at the S-Mart. Boy, that’ll up my score on the Persuasibility portion of the Milford Vocational Aptitude Test. Just locate the nearest enclosed stall, maybe in the lobby by the snack bar at Milford General Hospital from where I’m standing, and I’ll ace it, fer sure.

And we had to go through hats and hippos back to hats so this plot apparently could save face, that’s right, Linda decked out, hat and all, like Aretha Franklin, just so this plot wouldn’t take a beating in the Rating Sweepstakes. Milford had Captain Kangaroo and Bozo the Clown on the other channels, y’know.

“Okay, boys and girls, if you’ll keep your head out of your rear ends(Children’s show, keep in mind) and listen to the coaches, you can wind up just like me. Ol’ Bozo is makin’ a good living because he didn’t overextend himself and he bloomed where he was planted.”

I think that’s speaking for itself. I’m gonna go check and see if “Good Morning, America” is on yet. I understand they’re interviewing Iron Butterfly. AND as a special treat, they’re doing the full-length version of “In-a-Goda-da-Vida”. That’ll kill Mimi’s name-calling in the Ratings War, don’t you think?


Who shot Coach Shaw?

“Suspect was seen with a hippo on the dashboard. Says it’s some kind of good luck charm.”

“Run the hippo through Ballistics. See if it matches the bullet that went through the juke box at The Bucket.”

“Way ahead of you. In fact, witnesses say suspect shot at Coach Shaw because he couldn’t stand Slim Whitman’s ‘Red River Valley’ being played. Shaw evidently was a big fan. Went to see Slim play at Milford Amphitheater right after Mitch Miller Singers and Perry Como.”

“Will do.”


Now is everybody satisfied that this will be the end of this charade? Because David’s dad reminds me of that song by The Doors




“Yes, Son?”

“I want to kill this plot.”

“Ask your mother.”

“She said it was OK.”

“Fine with me.”



It is VERY tough for me to want to say anything smart-ass in P2, chiefly because it hits too close to home.

Therefore, for all you people out there who have kids in sports or are thinking about it, here’s a few tips along the way, things that worked for me

I had 3 things I told my players in Babe Ruth League Baseball or when I followed my nephew for 12 years, all the way to high school, primarily baseball and cross country

1) Give 110% at all times

2) Listen to the coaches and do everything they ask, to the best of your ability

3) Come prepared. The best teams are not always better-talented but they come to play

Regardless of what the scoreboard says at the end of the game.


A few other things. Don’t let your kid argue with coaches or umpires. That’s YOUR job. And if you do have anything to say, keep your voice low and know what you’re talking about.

Therefore, learn the rules, from the rule book all the way down to the local yokel guidelines.

BE THERE for your kid, no matter the record or the sport. You might have played basketball but if he or she likes canoeing, then the 3 rules above apply and you support him or her to the best of your ability.

If you criticize, criticize in private, praise in public. Coach them up until high school, then let the coaches take over. Nothing irritates a high school coach more than an armchair coach. If you work on something, it better be good and with the approval of the coach of the team your kid is playing on.

Only have positive things to say about other people, teams, coaches. Otherwise, say it to their face or not at all. For those of you wanting your kids in sports, I’m throwing in a freebie

“Silence is seldom misquoted”



Finally, MAKE SURE your kid understands that SCHOOL COMES FIRST. Don’t EVER give him or her the impression that winning a championship at the expense of his or her performance in school is tolerated.

I follow my own advice. I follow the local college baseball players in the Minor Leagues with the understanding GET YOUR DEGREE. As the old saying goes, very few will make the Pros. The rest of us better have something to fall back on. The idea is to make them better people anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. A couple of guys I follow got called up to The Show. That’s when making academics a priority gets sweeter. In the end, make sure your kid is academically eligible so if he or she is in that championship picture, you can dance a jig or two like I did.

Otherwise, ALWAYS have something to fall back on. The other day I read where one of my players was a manager at a Radio Shack. Another one is a team leader at PPG Industries. That’s when I knew us coaches did our jobs.


It’s worth it, Gang. Stay with ’em. They need you.


We move onto P3 where Linda is making the decision of her career with a platform in the background borrowed, rumors say, from the “Shiny Happy People” video. Wow, that old man’s got some energy. I hope I have that much chutzpah pedaling a Hostess Ding Dong w/Sprinkles skyline when I reach that age. Then he’s got those huge cauliflower trees. I knew Herbicide Technology does wonders but this is an old man behind the scenery trying to lug some Asparagus Redwood around David’s house. And all that dancing and singing from Kate Pierson of the B-52’s? No, David’s dad, don’t call the police. You’ve already proven enough of an asshole so much I wanna hit your bald pate with a wet cauliflower, preferably the one with the pine needles in it.

ANYWAY, that off my chest, I’m still debating what Linda means by friends. As in, find a volleyball net someone threw away in the garbage can for Trash Day, put it up on the same tree where Beaver hangs his tire swing or target practice for pitching baseballs, call 5-6 girls(or boys if ya wanna go co-ed), choose up sides and play without keeping score? Not a bad idea and if Linda can manage her competitive juices along the way, more power to her(NO, BEAVER, THAT WAS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Or does she want to play with friends in a semi-competitive environment, Sand Volleyball League Matches down at Milford Beverage Warehouse? Well, as long as she doesn’t buy booze, I’m sure The Warehouse woild be willing to bend the rules since they need the money to keep the League going. I don’t think sales of Guillaume de Vergy Brut is financing this venture.

All righty then, Linda, get that bikini out of the closet, call some girls, sign the liability forms saying you won’t hold the Warehouse responsible if you let another softball or volleyball slip through the cracks because you were too pissy-faced about Australia and looks like the fun will never stop.

Beyond that, I’m scratchin’ my noggin, trying to figure out what playing with friends entails. Then again, that’s a Hostess Cup Cake skyline that old man is luggin’, isn’t it?


“It looks like Linda’s learning a lot about life. And that gives me the opportunity to announce the 1st Annual All-Comers Double-Elimination Sand Volleyball Tournament sponsored by Milford Beverage Warehouse held this Saturday at their newly-constructed state-of-the-art Sand Volleyball facility.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of The Warehouse and when I saw that they didn’t just dump some dog-poop-infested sand from Mudlark Lake, I was highly impressed. With volleyball nets that the Olympics use to determine Gold Medals and chalk lines that’ll put a church softball field out of its misery, shoot, I’m gonna skip the links this Saturday.

They have Tournaments for all ages and skill levels. In fact, Mimi and I just turned in our form for the Co-Ed Bracket, Bloodhound Division. Gotta take it easy when you get into an exciting Tournament like this. I understand Tod Andrews and his 360-pound, one-tooth cousin entered the Golden Retriever level. He insisted that she can move and spike, even in the sand and with all that luggage. We’ll see.

Linda, if you’re within range, you need to come on down with David and have him watch you play. With bleachers vulcanized from the finest tungsten mills of New Thayer, he can down a Bud, as long as he’s accompanied by his asshole-of-a-dad who does double duty, BTW, lighting up the courts with his head. Copper light reflection technology is so avant-garde, geez.

Don’t you want to watch David and Pennytop go apeshit, oops, gaga, over your Grade A performance? Sure you do. In fact, the Female Bracket, Snippet Division was judged the most competitive Division by the Milford Volleyball Conglomerate. Geez, Louise, Linda, playing with friends while still at the top of your game, plenty of brewskies flowing, and the Bud Man’s in the house? And he’s in the Caped Crusader Bracket, Beagle Division, so hop on over to Court #2 with your Bud Lite as he battles Batman and The Green Lantern. Lools like everybody’s partying like it’s 2099.

And with beer and wine specials too low to advertise over the radio, you have a winning formula for a killer Saturday night. Sorry, the FCC wouldn’t renege, even after we waived the fee for their entrants in the Co-Ed Bracket, Government Employee Division. You’ll just have to check out these specials yourself while you’re down here, partying for your life.

So come on, get pumped, get rowdy, get ready, get wasted for the Tournament. The Bucket couldn’t even begin to know where to go, they’re too busy bribing City Officials and concocting illegal Bond Issues, just to get a Liquor License when they should hire the Drott man and dig up their own courts. Right now, they’re just digging a grave.

Come watch Mimi and I tough it out this Saturday and get a cart full of goodies to stuff in the trunk. It don’t get no better than that. Only at Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

Comment away, Gang. I still think the backdrop has the color of a Hostess Twinkie during the day. I’ll ask the old man when he’s back from break.


Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“O.J In The Finals Of The Men’s Bracket, Greyhound Division!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“How’d I get Cochrane in the Draw? Isn’t that a conflict of interest????????”



“A six-pack of Zing Zang Bloody Mary is HOW much?????Damn!!!!!!!!! I got that five dollar bill in my back pocket somewhere. Oh, shit, are we still live????? I hope the FCC was at a Port-O-Let.”




This is The End

My only friend,

The End


Also Sprach Jim Morrison




  1. “Because my friends suck at volleyball. So even though I’m not good enough to be an Olympian, I’ll feel like one playing against those schlubs.”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 13, 2019 @ 10:55 am

  2. This girl is dumb af. She reminds me of a former coworker of mine who once said of her 8 year old son that “ I don’t care how well he does in school as long as he’s good at sports”. She was dumb af too. Maybe Linda knows she can’t cut the mustard in post secondary classes and that’s why she’s sticking with the beer league route. Soon, she will be an overweight, borderline alcoholic with a couple of kids she can’t support while she works multiple minimum wage jobs.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 13, 2019 @ 12:51 pm

  3. And we still don’t really know what’s messing up Linda and derailing the entire central infield. But playing in a beer league this summer might actually help. A few weeks before Roger Bannister ran the first four minute mile, he was stuck on a training plateau, and increasingly frustrated and demoralized. He and another couple of runners took a week off to climb in the Lake District, and the times began coming down again.

    Comment by vaganova — June 13, 2019 @ 1:47 pm

  4. @vagnova. True but then I bet she will show up in a few years and blame Mimi for all her poor choices if it don’t work out

    Comment by franku2016 — June 13, 2019 @ 3:45 pm

  5. @franku2016 and be coaching a former Beach Volleyball medalist who’s thinking of switching to basketball but really wants to be a philosopher!

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — June 13, 2019 @ 7:06 pm

  6. franku and Downpuppy are as usual, on target.

    Comment by vaganova — June 14, 2019 @ 10:14 am

  7. Great job, Gang. You dealt with an issue that’s always up for debate, i.e., teenage burnout in sports, and there was some good discussion along the way. This readership never ceases to amaze me.
    Comment of the Day has to go to Downpuppy for his offbeat and insightful reference to the subject.
    But make no mistake. You ALL hit hard today with your commentary. It is how I win, I listen, read, and LEARN. Without TWIMers to comment, I am nothing.

    Keep Democracy alive, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 15, 2019 @ 6:55 am

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