This Week in Milford

June 18, 2019

J-a-m-i-l-a Spells “Gilligan”.


God, I love it when the 7 dwarfs come to Milford High School. Is that Doc on the left? Man, he must have hit the Nautilus program hard. And Sleepy on the right? Snow White in between? Wait, she couldn’t have shrunk, if I recall my childhood years at the matinee.

Wait a minute. (Slaps head with a fraternity paddle) Those are MILFORD STUDENTS. And, I presume, they are at Milford High School on their way to class. If I were to play Devil’s Advocate for a sec, I could argue that they’re at Milford Mall, somewhere between Elder-Beerman and The Great Outdoors(“Wouldn’t Jamila look good in that fishing outfit? I like the flannel shirt. Christmas shopping is DONE”) or entering the Milford Civic Center to head to Second Floor, State Revenue Department, Room 247, to pay a delinquent tax surcharge. Baseball uniforms get harder and harder to purchase every year, I reckon.

But I think I better stick with the original premise, they’re in the building of Milford High School, even if they look like GI Joe Action Figures, and are going to class.

Funny how the topic du jour happens to be the baseball team. We Thorpiverse veterans are used to the baseball team getting its A– whooped by an Oakwood here or a Valley Tech there by an occasional 22-1 score, Berrill managing to fit all the carnage in 3 panels BUT WE SAW ACTION!!!!!!!!!

Now, the only way we can receive news on how the season went is through The Leakey Foundation. Yup, if ya wanna know how Lucy turned out or how the Mudlarks fared against New Thayer, you’ll have to keep digging, hoping the flunky for the Archaeologists Team hits the bone this time. It won’t help matters to find a random Mudlark’s ERA by hitting Lucy’s toenail.

It’s pretty damn sad when we have to go through the little bungee cord at the Milford Museum of Arts & Natural Sciences, make a voluntary contribution of $32,458(“Run the card through again. It didn’t read it.”), only to wind up in the Diego Rivera Collection and find out the baseball team didn’t do diddly. Naturally, when it’s posing next to Karl Marx and Leon Trotsky to satisfy Rivera’s leanings, you reap what you sow, but that’s beside the point. Anything belonging to Friedrich Engels stays in the stands with Engels, $40 buttered popcorn and $35 hot dog and all, and what’s on the Mudlark diamond stays on the Mudlark diamond. Leave Lucy in the ground.

Next thing you know, we’ll be learning the baseball team’s whereabouts in the Milford Enquirer.


“Jamila, take a look out the window.”

“OMG, the baseball team is like a worn-out vacuum cleaner, they be suckin’ pretty bad. ”


Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. If you take I-64 in either direction, it is just off Exit 118, south of the expressway, take an IMMEDIATE left once you get on Indiana 62 off the X-way, headin’ west.

Jeff has built an established clientele based on great customer service, reasonable prices, and they got the best mechanics in the business. Then factor in great gas at great prices and  friendly clerks (Hi Crystal) and, Gang, I’m believin’ you have a recipe for success.

Then come down the hill to New Albany, Indiana and take care of Jeff’s brother, Mike, at Mike Smith Firestone. He and his wife are always there with a smile and will give you the same great service and great prices. Man, when my tires were shot, Mike was there to put ’em on and I left with my arm and leg. Don’t get no better than that. And any mechanical problems have ALWAYS been dealt with swiftly and many times I got the vehicle back the same day. Sounds like a winner to me.

Come see for yourself and take care of people like Jeff Smith and Mike Smith who ALWAYS take care of you. Gang, you need business people who run great businesses who know you by name.

And I’m in agreement with Moon Mullins, History 101 or any course with 3 digits affixed to the subject (e.g. Mandarin Chinese 302, Advanced Auto Mechanics 212) does ring of college material.

That said, has ANYBODY EVER seen a class being taught where the blackboard is IN BACK OF the students? Whether it’s Driver’s Ed Night School 415 or Physics 301 or Term Paper Issues 102, it has come to my attention that when our Guest Lecturer at Milford High School who is subbing for Ms. Rizk because Thorpiverse ran out of plotline ideas teaches the class, he really has to have the chalkboard BEHIND him if he’s to outline Journalism Ethics on the board. The objet d’art is doing no good behind the age progressions of Elroy Jetson and Sherman Peabody. Or are we viewing our future Fantastic Four?  Hey, I could see Grace Jones as one of THEM.

Nahhhhhh, Swiss Miss trying to be Ben Grimm? And wear the appropriate outfit? Think we better go back to the Welcome Back Kotter Even If You’re a Crappy Paid Sub Now approach.

Okay, okay, so Ms. Rizk is still at her typewriter and they’ve been carting in Domino’s the last 467 or more days(lost count, sorry) when she’s not on the Bread-and-Water diet and we are seeing an ACTUAL TEACHER. Well, don’t that beat all.

The one tbing we know IMMEDIATELY is that he’s been on a steady diet of Rolaids worrying about the Lady Mudlarks in the Playdowns(like Ned yesterday mentioned, We THINK that’s where this is heading). Given that this is, indeed, not a late entry somewhere, i.e., NBA Playoffs, our Joe Blow teacher still needs to have the chalkboard BEHIND him when he’s teaching the class, before or after he blows off steam from losing sleep over the Lady Mudlarks versus Wellington. Still not sure what he’s teaching but since I don’t see slide rules or calculators on the desk, I don’t think it’s Trig 213 or Algebra 433 or Set Theory 231 or Gaussian Ethics for Advanced Algebra Teaching 333. We just know he gulped one too many Tums.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Lost Treasure Uncovered In Inca Empire Excavation!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Scientists reveal that Gil was on his second trip to the mound with Milford trailing Madison, 5-3.”


“Jamila, put down that Mad magazine and come to the window.”

“My Lord, look at them Aussies. They’re bigger than that giant prehistoric kangaroo the Leakey Foundation dug outside of Brisbane. No wonder why Linda quit the team.”

Come to Sister Bean’s Coffee House in Louisville, Kentucky. They are on New Cut Road, approximately 2-3 miles south of the Watterson Expressway. Check out the espressos, lattes, and, of course, coffees in many different sizes and flavors. I go in the drive-thru and am AMAZED at what they have to offer on the menu. For a small business not associated with any major chain(e.g., Starbucks), I AM IMPRESSED. They also have scones, muffins, and brownies in case you like go-withs, which describes yours truly. Factor in friendly service and this writer thinks it’s worth the trip. Come see for yourself.

Support Small Businesses. They make America great.

Gang, remember the Gilligan’s Island episode when Gilligan dreams he’s a dictator of some country? A Latin American dictator in exile finds himself landing on Gilligan’s Island, which precipitates the dream.

That’s EXACTLY what I thought of when I saw P3. Either she’s in the dugout or she’s in the movie “Topaz” where she is Fidel, waving at her supporters. If the latter is the case, I have a little ditty to support her seizure of power, thanks to aiding and abetting in winning the Valley Conference Championship

“Fidel!!!!!!!!! Fidel!!!!!!!!! Way to strike Los Yanquis out with your fastball and slider!!!!!!!!!!!! Mimi taught you well!!!!!!!!!”

Oops, wrong record

Here we go, sung to the tune from “The Little Dictator” episode from Gilligan’s Island




Anything else spells disaster


Guaranteed beyond any reason

To hoist us through this hopeless season





Anything else spells doom


She’s the one who will soon

Be pitching us out of June


O Jamila, for me.


“But Coach Mimi, I don’t want to be your puppet!!!!!!!”

“TFB. Who do you think has been pulling the strings when you and Jocelynn have been bossing everybody around?”


If ya quit the Men’s Slo-Pitch Wednesday Night Modified Industrial League cuz yore manager reminds ya too much of Che Guevara, a dictator plus he’s got the nastiest flea-bitten beard known ta Mankind, and ya doesn’t play fer no Komm-ya-nist who needs ta mail order ‘lectric Shave bladez pronto, ya might be a redneck.


“Are you tired of your car wearing the ‘Wash me’ tag as if that’s an extension of your license plate while your dog hasn’t had a bath in God-knows-when to the point where your neighbor is wearing a clothes pin on his nose? When the dog’s OUTSIDE????

Hi, this is Coach Kaz and if you answered yes to all of these questions, then come to Milford Super Car Wash Emporium Incorporated and you can get your pride and joy through the ringer. Oh, and your pet a good cleansing, to ward off any further confusion.

I was amazed when me and my honey went through the cycle and saw all the different soaps and suds being applied to our car. It was like being in a washing machine, watching Tide and Borax and Turtle Wax all acting in collaboration on the windshield and on the hood down the car door windows and over the trunk to give that Lexus a spit shine of its life. The Turtle Wax Lemon Lime coat even got the eagle poop off the windshield that I got when I was hunting squirrel last Fall.  I never that I’d see the day when I could say that I enjoyed watching Scrubbing Bubbles break-dancing around the hood ornament. Man, this car wash put on a show. Wish the baseball team could have performed even half as good, especially when fielding grounders. The Scrubbing Bubbles would have gotten the mitt on the ground and thrown to first for the out.

Then the drying was the Grand Finale. No using Pampers 18 Months Collection to dry on this bad boy of a motorized contraption. With soft brushes and HAL Computer technology, my Lexus shined like the Lady Mudlarks. And we didn’t need Mussoloni or Jamila to polish off the hood. A second coating of Turtle Wax did the trick.

Speaking of trunk, once we got Tiger out of it and dragged his butt over to the Dog Wash, we were again stupified at the way the dog washers were able to make him Comfortably Numb while applying Head & Shoulders and Milford Soap Connection all over his anatomy. Tiger won’t have dandruff until, well, maybe the golf season. Saved a fortune on any carpet cleaning in our living room. Then drying him off and combing was no sweat. I’ll bet smelling clean makes any animal cooperative. I’ve heard a few goats have graced the Dog Wash and are Lassie when they leave. And I’ll have to remember lacing Milk Bones with Sominex when I take him here again.

A clean car and a clean dog that you can put in the back seat? I only regret we couldn’t put a Valley Conference trophy next to Tiger. Come to Milford Super Car Wash Emporium Incorporated today for that spotless pick-up truck or Cadillac and Rin Tin Tin in the bargain. You’ll be glad you did.”

Get after it, Gang. I’ll be paying homage to Gilligan this afternoon. He has a way of dealing with those Yankee Imperialists.


“Geez, Gil had a suckass season. Got beat, 24-1, by the Azteca Civilization? No wonder why it got buried in Peru.”


“No problem, Gil. We ought to be able to fit Dumbo in Drive-Through #1. That’s where all the semi’s go. And we have plenty of Turtle Wax Raspberry Formula. Ordered the drums last week.


“Jamila, quit going over the pitch sequence with Jocelynn and come over here and look out the window.”

“Oh, forever more. Look at Gil’s golf game. ’nuff said.”


  1. Sadly, it seems like this story just won’t die, but rather just get worse by the day. It would be great to see beer-league-volleyball-girl-Linda gag the game somehow in the bottom of the 7th, but it’s been 5 years or so since MHS won a state title, so I’m afraid that this is where this story is heading. Unfortunately, Andre has made an appearance too, idiotic haircut and all, which means he’s probably not going anywhere anytime soon either.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 18, 2019 @ 9:13 am

  2. Okay. Rock and fire nobody has ever said.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — June 18, 2019 @ 1:28 pm

  3. Okay, rock and fire nobody has ever said.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — June 18, 2019 @ 1:31 pm

  4. Right again Bobby Joe. And what’s this girl power BS? They’re playing another girls team right? Or are they playing The King and His Court? A transgender team? How bout that tech savy teacher, huh? Maybe his app better than mine. Mine has said sunny when it’s been raining.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 18, 2019 @ 4:10 pm

  5. Rock & Fire may have been in a couple reviews of Moana

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — June 18, 2019 @ 7:47 pm

  6. Great comments, Gang!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stand mightily behind our TWIMers out there. You all keep it going.

    And Jive Turkey, glad you brought up King and his Court. I remember when he came to town in a Barnum & Bailey atmosphere and billing. I have always been amazed that he could win so many games with 5 people total. Then you’re talking he’s got to throw to SOMEBODY, namely, the catcher so there were ONLY 3 other fielders besides him. And they still kicked some booty. Wow.
    I mean, I was the king of trying to maneuver players when we only had 8 in softball(ha) or so I thought I was. I don’t know if I could position 3 chess pieces.

    You all done fine. I LOVE your comments and always come back for more. Keep ’em coming.

    Keep Democracy alive.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 22, 2019 @ 9:01 am

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