This Week in Milford

June 20, 2019

The Rally Hippos Are Back And This Time They Want Your Attention.

Filed under: actual action, Milford Weirdos, softball, TCFS — tdrewhardin @ 1:47 am

062019

They’ve been dragged out of the gym bag to keep the world safe for Democracy and lead us onto Victory. In fact, the Russians used them to cheer on Rocky when he was returning the favor on Ivan Drago and beating him to a pulp. And they are recyclable.

That comes in handy when Gilligan stuffs the ballot boxes and tortures any dissidents who dare challenge his power. Should Andy Taylor and Barney Fife ever get stranded because the Mayberry Luxury Liner took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and wound up on the wrong side of the International Date Line and shared the same fate as the S. S. Minnow, they’re toast. Premier Gilligan will have them lined up on the firing line before you can say “Thurston Howell”. All because Barney forgot to stuff a hippo in the Liner’s luggage rack.

And I remember an obscure episode from Alfred Hitchcock Theater where this nutcase is driving a psychiatrist up the wall throughout the show due to quirky behavior that doesn’t deserve the chair but is enough to wind up on the shrink’s couch.

However, the nutcase goes too far when he has this shoebox in his arms and threatens to push the button, which is on the shoebox and presumably is harboring a bomb inside. Of course, he does it somewhere on a street corner where he scares the daylights out of the shrink and the general public.

Well, the shrink manages to get the nutcase to come to his senses, relatively speaking. The police, having none of it, are just about to cuff him and haul him away when, not so fast, says the nutcase. I didn’t say I’d detonate a bomb, I just said I’d push the button. The police, done in by a case of semantics, the shrink helpless to declare this nutcase a true nutcase, are forced to let him go free.

Now Hitchcock wasn’t about to foment an uprising by letting a psycho go free and continue his Buster Brown Shoe Box Bomb Scares at the Milford Mall so at the end of the show, Hitchcock would announce that our friendly psycho was, say,  caught robbing the S-Mart later on, taken to the Milford Detention Center for further questioning.

And so when I saw the scenario in P3 yesterday, I thought of that episode.

“I didn’t say Wellington WON, I just said ‘1-0, Wellington’.”

“Fine, will you put the Florsheim box down?  You’re making the Lady Mudlarks nervous.”

“Gil, only if you promise to invite me to your verandah for some prime rib off your Smokemaster grill and a cold glass or two or three of Country Tyme Lemonade.”

“Deal.”

“And Mimi wears that bikini she wore when she worked part-time at Hooters.”

“You got it. Anything else?”

“Yeah, you know where I can get a program of the game?”

“I think they still have several left by the mustard bottles by the concession stand.”

 

And I’ll admit yours truly thought Wellington was going to raid Milford and head outta town sneakin’ away a victory but noooooooooooo, if that’s to happen or no, we won’t find out today, we didn’t find out YESTERDAY and I’m not holding my breath on tomorrow, given the attention the Rally Hippos have commanded. They certainly know how to interrupt any Kirk Gibson Moment in Time.

In fact, when Willie Mays made The Catch, do you really honestly think he wound up with a BALL??????

“I can’t get this Hippo out of my glove. Where’s the equipment manager? And tell him to bring a screwdriver.”

 

Seen in some Fin de Siecle edition of the Milford Enquirer

“How Did The Rough Riders Take San Juan Hill? The Hippo Knows!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Dr. Pearl’s father. Lt. Col. Thaddeus Wilcox Pearl, led Milford’s regiment right behind Teddy even as Dr. Pearl served as a nurse in Barton’s tent.”

 

Oooooooooookkkkkk, we are puttin’ on our Rally Hippos!!!!!!!!! Robocop, er, Linda Carr managed to draw a walk with Milford still in contention, and, honestly, were we expecting ANYBODY ELSE? The damn strip is only alloted 3 panels at a time and if the hecklers got to be too much when Bozo the Clown coaxes 4 balls and a free pass down to first base (Remember, you can’t defense a walk to Barney Rubble) , you can’t get 3 extra panels and overlap them into Dilbert. Bozo and Dilbert on first, nah, that ain’t right, Bozo’s on first, Dilbert’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third, or something to that nature.

Be that as it may, Linda Carr, fresh from freeing herself from the Autocracy of Gilligan and his iron-handed rule in Australia, is on the bag, representing the tying run. Darn, the script didn’t shoot this lame horse with Linda not paying attention and getting picked off the bag. Of course, that’s just speeding up the scheme of things until Gil and Mimi and the Psycho enjoy Miller Time on the verandah, er

COME ON, LINDA!!!!!!!!!!! RAL-LEE!!!!!!!! RAL-LEE!!!!!!!! RAL-LEE!!!!!!!!! RAL…..

 

 

 

 

Come to Sycamore Island on Corydon Pike in New Albany, Indiana. They are across the road from my dad’s business and have been around for eons to take care of the fisherman or the hunter in the family. If you need that fishing rod or hunting bow right quick, chances are, Jim Proctor, the owner, has it in stock or will die try to get it for you. AND the Pay Lake is well-stocked to satisfy people eager to nab one out of the water. That place is ALWAYS busy. I oughta know.

Come see for yourself where Jim and his friendly staff are there ready to take care of you. That’s what Small Businesses do. And they DEFINITELY know my name. Isn’t that what this is all about?

Support Small Business. Keep America great.

 

Would you like to say something before you bat

Volleyball is sunken somewhere in Mudlark Lake

 

 

I couldn’t bring myself to tolerate the offal that was thrown

Gil’s hair is justly permafrosted and lying in some cave

We watched the hippos dancing and lost a bloody year

 

 

And I-I-I-I-I-I-I would like to knowwwwwww

How does it feel

How does it FEEL

 

Bah,

Bah bah bahhhhhhhh

Bah bah bah, BAHHHHHHH

Bah bah-de-bah

 

Goodbye to you

Golf season’s due

I’ve stood this plot for one year

 

Gotta feed my Floyd Fix

It’s “Summer ’68” off of Atom Heart Mother, you whippersnappers.

RIP, Richard Wright. Your organ and piano and general keyboards were killer on songs such as “Us and Them”, anything from “Animals”, “Eclipse/Brain Damage”, etc.

 

If ya yank yore Rally Bloodhound out of yore Rural King gym bag that’s still got the price on it because yore Thursday Night Men’s Slo-Pitch Light Industrial League team is puttin’ on a ferocious rally against Milford Tool & Die, espeshully cuz no new inning cain’t start after 11:00PM, ta accommodate them that’s gotta work third shift, all fer braggin’ rights fer one year and a case of Stroh’s Select, ya might be a redneck.

 

Does she or doesn’t she? Man, what color, what brilliance, such elan to watch this soar to new heights…all right, lay off, this is not a Clairol ad, it’s Carla layin’ some wood to the ball (Those tips by the Madison batters at Milford Batting Cages & Driving Range paid off, whattya know) , pretty good form and angle at that. Yet, we gotta wait until at least TOMORROW to see if she pulls a Kirk Gibson and performs the Home Run Trot, complete with Pulling the Bow while she’s rounding second base, or if this is just warning track power.

I feel like Theseus trying to negotiate this Labyrinth that is this softball plotline, thankful that I have this thread to clutch in case the person or thing or whatever pops out of the Journalism Room and it isn’t Ms. Rizk. Granted, she should get a life but you wouldn’t think her mien would be altered, ya think…

Vin Scully with the call

“They’re bringing Eckersley in to face Gibson. The last time this happened, well, you have to go alllllllll the way back to 1961, when Sandy Koufax faced Roberto Clemente, the latter fresh off the DL, on a full moon night and the Dodger Stadium popcorn machine flickering for its life…”

THERE’S A DRIVE, WAY BACK, IT MIGHT BE, IT COULD BE—-

AAAAAAHHHHHHH, THERE’S THE MINOTAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE’S MY THREAD?????? GOTTA GET BACK TO THE CAFETERIA ASAP!!!!!!!!!! IT DOESN’T LIKE THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At any rate, the Lady Mudlarks have a lot riding on tomorrow(?). Stay tuned.

 

“They’re bringing in a pinch hitter. I don’t think it’s Gibson. I’ll have more in a moment. There’s 2 out, a runner on first, with score, Wellington, 1, Milford, zippo, you’re listening to Marty Moon, the voice of WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

DON’T NOBODY MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL PUSH THE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Shaw, I know I can be a hardass sometimes but put down that Air Jordan shoebox and let’s talk.”

DON’T COME ANY CLOSER, GIL. I’LL BLOW THIS WHOLE MALL TO SMITHEREENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Well, while you’re scaring everybody here in the Food Court, will you at least tell us what is wrong? I’m starving for some Fish ‘n’ More at Long John Silvers and I think I deserve an explanation as long as you’re delaying lunch hour. Some of us have to get back to class, we can’t all come and go in the strip when we damn well please, y’know.”

Coach Shaw, seeing Gil’s point, clings to the shoe box but takes middle finger off the knob

Then his head sags slightly

“My wife said I needed to take my significant other to Milford Lathe Works and get it shaped to be a bed leg cuz it wasn’t doing no good in bed. Something Clemenceau slept in during the Treaty of Versailles.”

“That’s ALL your problem? You threatened to blow up the Milford Dippin’ Dots stand because you couldn’t pump like you used to pump iron when you were in high school?”

“Shame, ain’t it?”

“Shaw, if you’ll dump the Air Jordans, I can slam dunk your Erectile Dysfunction problems by taking you down to the east wing, between Milford Jeans Outlet and Payless Shoes, where Milford Men’s Clinic is located. There, they have the latest technology and medicines, tailored to fit your needs and follow through with a program that will get you as hard as new. And now, for a limited time, they have the testosterone drug, Flexidol, an injection intended to air that flat tire in a minute when she’s bending over in that bikini when she’s doing the laundry but gentle to bring your significant other for a safe landing when you’re ordering the Whopper w/Cheese Combo here at Burger King in the Food Court. No sense in people chomping on a Wendy’s Chicken Club wondering if that’s a Russet Potato growing out of your crotch.”

“I’ll go on one condition.”

“You got it.”

“Can you loan me some money to post bail?”

 

“Well, this story had a happy ending. The Milford Mall agreed to drop charges against Coach Shaw if he would undergo Court-ordered treatment, an 18-month program at the Milford Men’s Clinic, and the intense therapy that accompanied it. It’s a Dog Wash for his significant other, in other words. Plenty of Lassie Shampoo on this limp garden hose that will grow up to be a man.

Come see for yourself at Milford Men’s Clinic. And leave your Gucci shoe box at home.”

 

Have at it, Gang. I can wait until the 2020 Presidential Election to see if Milford pulled it out. Bought plenty of popcorn.

 

“The ending of oww-er stawry was nawt completely devoid of bad tidings, my frehnds. Gil and Mimi wroh–tt their ohhnn ending and the Lady Mudlahh-rrks won the champion-ship, beating Wellington, 36-1, in a, to quohh-tt you Americans, cake (slight pause) walk. And they dumped the bawdy of Mr. Moon in Mudlahhrr-kk Lake. The Psycho mehhh-tt his match with Don Everly. That is awwll. Good night.”

 

 

OMG, WHERE’S MY FLEXIDOL

“You can look but you can’t touch. Or I WILL push the button. Eat your ground round before it gets cold. And you’re spilling Bud on the verandah.”

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8 Comments »

  1. Any chance we can get a copy of today’s strip included on this post, as we normally do? I’m in Europe on business and the ISPs here block US newspaper sites, so I can’t see today’s installment on the Seattle PI or anywhere else.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — June 20, 2019 @ 2:26 am

  2. If anybody can help Moon Mullins, a VERY loyal reader to TWIM, with his request, it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure what to do but if someone can get the ball rollin’ for him, that’d be great. Thanks Moon Mullins for your support. Let’s see if we can help him out, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 20, 2019 @ 8:40 am

  3. I wonder if she bought that cheap-ass lookin’ hippo at a Walmart, truck stop, or at Swifti-Mart. Perhaps it was a carnival prize after she spent about 30$ or more trying to win a game…who knows? Come to think of it, probably not Walmart, since Milford does not have such conveniences yet.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 20, 2019 @ 9:15 am

  4. This actually goes with yesterday’s strip, but when I saw that today’s was up, I decided to post it a second time. Millions of people plan their lives around our TWIM posts, and I am sure you understand I don’t want anyone to miss one.

    Baseball and softball metaphors change with the time. You hear “That’s a rocket to right center!” In the early years of the game, the 1870s and 80s, people would yell “Red hot!” in that situation, invoking the technology of the time, the forge.

    Some years ago, there were two preservation leagues on Long Island. Don’t know if either still operates. One used the rules from the 1870s, another from the 80s. The earlier rules were especially fun to watch– four strikes and five balls, the plate was a literal plate, the umpire stood behind the pitcher, or “ballist,” and the catcher stood well back, handling the pitch on a bounce. Oh, and no gloves. The ball was less hard than today’s, but still…

    I love the anonymous quatrain by a veteran of the first professional team:

    CINCINNATI RED STOCKINGS, 1869

    We wore no mattress on our hand,
    No cage upon our face.
    We stood straight up and caught the ball
    With courage and with grace.

    The rules evolved at need. One of the early changes was the requirement that the runner touch the bases in order. This was inspired by Boston’s legendary Mike Kelly, who used to steal third by running straight across from first. He was the subject of a favorite tavern song, “Slide, Kelly, Slide!”

    I am a casual student of the game, and was thrilled a few years ago to find that the earliest written reference to baseball to date appeared in a 1791 ordinance in one of my favorite places, PIttsfield, Massachusetts. It seems that the meeting house had recently added windows of real glass rather than oiled parchment. This led to the prohibition of playing base ball within 100 yards of the building…

    Comment by vaganova — June 20, 2019 @ 1:05 pm

  5. Strip image and tags have been added. – TimP

    Comment by timbuys — June 20, 2019 @ 1:19 pm

  6. Thanks timbuys, much appreciated! I can now see all, and the extraordinarily clever comments today now make so much sense!

    Best wishes to all from Rotterdam, Holland.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — June 20, 2019 @ 5:06 pm

  7. We are all about customer service here at This Week In Milford!

    Comment by timbuys — June 20, 2019 @ 8:00 pm

  8. Good job, Gang.

    Franku, keep that sledge hammer rollin’, RAWHIDE!!!!!!! I always look forward to watcha gotta say

    And Moon Mullins, I am VERY glad you got the problem solved. I apologize for being clueless as to what to do but I can honestly say your problem was on my mind all day. Your incisive and shrewd commentary is always welcome here. And I gotta hand it to you. Your loyalty to TWIM even as you are on another continent is truly amazing and appreciated. You da Man.

    Timbuys, I know you get tired of the Boswells but THANK YOU for all you do. You keep the TWIM ship at full sail and full speed. Treat him with respect, Gang. He’s earned it.

    Vaganova, PLEASE keep those contributions comin’. I learn from them and I think I speak on behalf of all TWIMers when I say they are most DEFINITELY welcome either on my site or other commentaters’ site. Without history, we have nothing to fall back on and DEFINITELY nothing to look forward to in the future. You make sure that doesn’t happen. You make it real, My Man.

    Gang, let’s keep Democracy and Free Speech goin’, whattya say.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 22, 2019 @ 8:49 am


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