This Week in Milford

June 25, 2019

We Didn’t Expect The Spanish Inquisition.

Filed under: ?, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 7:09 am

062519

On the verandah one fine lazy summer day at the Thorps

“Mimi, one of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

Mimi puts down her Country Time Gooseberry Lemonade on the tray

“Say what?”

“ONE of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

“Let me get a Q-tip out of my purse and clean that little bit of wax stuck in my Eustachian tube. There, that’s better. Now, come again?”

“One of the damn workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and peed all over himself and CAUGHT PLEURISY.”

“What in the world does THAT mean?”

“Hell if I know, Mimi. Damn, woman, you ask too many questions. All I said was some goddam plebe at the Milford Salt Mines who’s probably a scab went up, peed all over his Levi’s and CAUGHT PLEURISY. Lordy, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen in priestly garb with gilded roods and somber capuchins jump out of the Smokemaster

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

“Gil, I think you better call the Smokemaster Man. I knew when that grill was leaking grease there’d be trouble.”

“Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency and wearing a Lady Mudlark softball uniform, oh shit, let’s start over.”

Back in the Smokemaster

“Gil, did you hear this news on WDIG? You know how sleazy their journalism is.”

“Damn, Mimi, I got it straight from Marty at the Milford Lounge. I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Same gentlemen jump out of Smokemaster with grill stains all over their robes

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to Marty Moon’s broadcasting style, oh buggers, mate, Gil, can we try this one more time?”

“Hurry, the burgers are about to coal black on us.”

Back inside the Smokemaster

“Gil, sometimes you just don’t come through.”

“Hell, Tori, I’m not God. I just read about the salt mines on p.7 of the Milford Enquirer. HERE, RIGHT HERE next to the Milford Adult Shoppe ad. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen et al only this time a burnt offering a/k/a overdone Oscar Meyer Wiener is transfixed on one of the roods

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!! Our chief weapons are fear, element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope. There, I got it right!!!!!!!”

Gil, impatient

“GET TO THE POINT!!!!!!!!!! My brats that you stepped on getting out of the grill are becoming the cafeteria food at the high school!!!!!!!!!!”

“HAH, Coach. We shall more than speed things up!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, read the charges!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You are hearby charged with heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and excessive criticism of Marty’s commentary during the Lady Mudlark Softball Tournament.”

“Thank you, Cardinal. Now Mimi, how do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We shall soon change your tune!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, fetch the bungee cord and tie her to…..the SMOKEMASTER GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gentlemen, I have tunaburgers just laid on the grill..”

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! Too late, Coach!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, get the bungee cord and do your duty, Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can I brush on some more Heinz 57 on the tunaburgers before you…”

“HAH!!!!!!!! Too late, Co—–, er, well, we haven’t had a bite since we left New Thayer from our Reign of Terror there, just slip us a burger in our robes and I won’t tell anyone.”

“Got it. You want McCormick’s Oregano on it.”

“Why not?”

15 minutes later.

NO YOU IDIOT YOU TIED HER TO THE HANDLE THAT TUGS THE GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

One thing we don’t know for certain in P1 is who is in the car talking. We don’t think it IS the Spanish Inquisition, leastwise I can’t picture those 3 hooded gentlemen talking about the Inquisition in that inconclusive, vague context. Awkward? The Spanish Inqusition?

“Luhm, you’re going to have to rewax the gym floor. It doesn’t look like you even put a mop to it. The free throw line still has Fanta stains on it.”

“Oh, Hell, Gil, I didn’t expect an awkward Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMM

They jump out of the box where the slaughterballs and volleyballs and basketballs and nerfballs are stored

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Cardinal Cardano, read Mr. Luhm the charges.”

“Heresy by calling the Inquisition ‘awkward’.”

THAT’S IT?????

“Hah!!!!!!!!! Even the most minor unwitting remark is considered Sedition to the Pope!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!! Give his hair THE BUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Ooooooookkkkkkk, I’ll just take a wild stab and say that that’s Gil and Mimi in the ZZ Topmobile. Borrowing it from those 3 ladies who boogie in the “Sharp Dressed Man” video. There was a rumor floating around that one of the ladies was Dr. Pearl, who was wearing a wig to conceal her Granny Clampett beehive, evidently extra income to supplement her pittance as an administrator (Milford School Board did vote for a raise at the last Board Meeting because if the rumors were true, she’d throw out her back, after back surgery, trying to shake that thang) but the Milford Enquirer reporter couldn’t get close to the set at the parking lot behind Milford Foundry to confirm those rumors.

I DO KNOW I love to cook, following in the footsteps of my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, who was a cook in WWI, and that I’m a huge fan of The Naked Chef. Some of his recipes involve salmon.

And WE DO KNOW that that dude in P1 has the ugliest pair of black salmon that the Naked Chef could fish out of the Yukon River in Alaska. He’s stinkin’ up the porch even as I text. Unless that’s way of curing them, hanging them around his neck while he bids adieu or read the evening paper.

AND WE DO KNOW that NO ONE mounts a picture of Libra as a front vanity plate. “I’m the only Hell my mama ever raised”, sure, they’re pretty common on a lot of vehicles. Or “God, guns, and guts made America the #1 nation”, a lot of those seen on vehicles owned by, presumably NRA members or sympathizers. I don’t think Gil sticks that on his Lexus grille but maybe I need to keep up with the times.

“Tod, what a thing to say about your mother.”

“Gil, it was either that or ‘My kid beat up your honor student’. Wouldn’t look to put that on my Nova driving into the school parking lot.”

 

After viewing the worst lip-synching job known to mankind, perhaps since we left the cave sheltering the Neanderthal Man in the Middle Paleolithic Era, the bad montage, loosely speaking, of The Who performing “You Better You Bet”, and montage is being generous as it was the art project equivalent of Keith Moon being Loonie Moonie on top of John Jay or Roger Daltrey twirling the mic, barely missing FDR, the latter of which was executing his “Day of Infamy” speech, knowing my niece would have received an A- for this Elmer’s Glue cause celebre because that was the benchmark for excellence in 7th-grade art class

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Assistant Producer For The Mitch Miller Singers Fired After Gaffe At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The singers were lip-synching to The Who’s ‘Sister Disco’ instead of the intended ‘In The Mood’; fortunately, no one in the audience seemed to notice.”

 

For P2, I’m going to take the Reductio Ad Absurdum route to see if it’s anybody besides Gil and Mimi. My Intro Logic class out of high school FINALLY put to good use

“…awkward, suspicicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way? Sure.

ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!! ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!!!! AN ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS AT MILFORD FEDERAL BY THE MILFORD GREYHOUND STATION. CALLING ALL UNITS TO PROCEED WITH CAUTUON!!!!!!!!

Well, can’t be Martin and Kent. Let’s try this again

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way.”

“It’s the only way I know how to run an EKG on his heart. Otherwise, we’ll have to stick a tube up his anal system if we want to get an accurate reading on his rhythm. We have plenty of microsurgery tubes.”

Okay, “Medical Center” or “Emergency!!” is out.

 

“Boy, Steve, it’s bad enough smelling that Muriel at the ballpark but do I have to open up ALL THE WINDOWS????”

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way, sure.”

Ah, I believe the standard response to that one is “Shut up and drive, Harry. We’re gonna be late. You know how the Wrigley traffic can be.”

Nope, nope, nope.

 

And to drive home the point it can’t the Spanish Inquisition themselves, they’re just being used as a metaphor

 

At the S-Mart

“Sir, the soda machine is spouting Coffee Mate out of the Diet Coke spigot.”

“What can I DO????? The Maytag Man won’t be here until this evening, he’s working on Gil’s dishwasher. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Coming out of aforementioned vehicle

NOBODY EXPECTS ETC. ETC. ETC.

Later

“How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We have ways of making you talk!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, give our heretic….THE SLURPEE!!!!!!!!”

“No!!!!!! No!!!!!! Anything but that!!!!!!!! I confess!!!!!!!!! I swear on a stack of One Way’s I confess!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think we better stick with the Gil-and-Mimi theory until further notice.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater

“…with your flashy trash pants!!!!!!!!!”

Heard among the senior citizens in the audience

“Boy, they don’t make ’em like they used to. That Glenn Miller was King in his Court.”

“I agree. That’s a unique style by Mitch Miller to help ’40’s Swing make a comeback.”

 

And as for P3, limping to the finish line, ending up dead last in the Milford Marathon

Mimi, you said it, us TWIMers didn’t. You are just rubber-stamping what we have been saying since Hoover was voted out of office. Gil is just biding his time with the Junior Golfers or Senior PGA members or the Milford 4th Grade U-11 Traveling Golf Kings or whoever he intends to “coach”. I mean, pass the tunaburgers, please. Maybe Gil might accomplish something by the end of the summer or after I down the 7th corn on the cob off Mimi’s tray, whichever comes first. We’ll see. In the interim, Mimi, do you still want that London broil on your plate?

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office

“Ms. Rizk, I must advise you that De Windt’s parents are upset about that ‘D-‘ you gave their son in Lifetime Journalism.”

“Dr. Pearl, that’s the 5th student you have failed to back me on and my patience is wearing thin!!!! Pete De Windt has not turned in his assignments, barely passed his exams, and only his project of investigating where Dr. Livingstone was living in the jungles of Africa and how he wound up with 2 illegitamate Rwandans because Dr. Livingstone couldn’t keep it in his pocket saved his grade.”

“They’re saying you never called them when Pete was in trouble.”

“What do I look like, the Milford Welcome Wagon???? Heck, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!”

Springing out of the 2nd drawer file cabinet

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

Later

“Ms. Rizk, you are in grave danger. Dr. Pearl tells me you have been guilty of heresy by thought. I mean, fantasies about the Pope is understandable but we have standards!!!!!!! How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We will drive those fantasies out of your cranium and make you pledge your allegiance to Vatican City!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, pound Ms. Rizk with…THE TYPEWRITER KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

45 minutes later

“No, Cardinal, dum dum, that’s the margin space key. She’ll never be properly tortured that way!!!!!!!”

 

Gang, comment away. Maybe it’s Captain Kangaroo. Nah, why would Mr. Green Jeans be discussing the Inquisition with Mr. Moose?

 

“Is that Kenney Jones up there? Didn’t he play with The Small Faces?”

“I think so. Man, he’s just as crazy as Moon.”

“No question. He’s just banging and crashing with the Singers on ‘Blues To Be There’. Only Ellington did it better at Newport.”

 

“When will they get rid of Coach T???? He didn’t even have a baseball season to speak of. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports. And if I was expecting a Spanish Inquisition, I’d have been wearing my cross by now.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

Bursting out of the WDIG Director’s office

“NOBODY EXPECTS THE, oh, buggers, let’s head to The Bucket. All this terrorizing is making me hungry.”

 

 

 

 

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7 Comments »

  1. Those were Mimi’s parents, right? Asking what happened to their grandchildren?

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — June 25, 2019 @ 11:17 am

  2. Maybe it’s that wanna’-be lawyer kid, Knox Foley, coming back as a full-fledged lawyer, ready to unleash holy heck on Gil, as he is still pissed off about something that Gil did to him when he was a student. Gee, have they ever done a story like that?

    Comment by franku2016 — June 25, 2019 @ 11:57 am

  3. That’s pretty classy of that waving couple to open both of their front doors while bidding auf wiedersehen to our Audi conveyed couple.

    I am a bit saddened to realize I will never learn nor figure out what is going on with the guy’s shirt. Is he wearing the world’s broadest tie? A scarf in June? Possible an ascot? Maybe he spilled an entire plate of marinara sauce down his front…

    Bonus mystery: What is up with the scales of justice license plate? Guessing that’s another one we might never find out about.

    Comment by timbuys — June 25, 2019 @ 4:04 pm

  4. That’s a really old looking wide tie on pops in P1. Ol’ Gil sounding like Fred Rutherford with his salt mine comment. What a swinging guy!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 25, 2019 @ 4:06 pm

  5. Tim you beat me buy a couple minutes. I also almost made mention of the scales of justice plate. I’m a slow typer.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 25, 2019 @ 4:08 pm

  6. Good day for comments, Gang. The TWIMers never cease to amaze me. Y’all delivered once again today and put this farce to shame. I’d say the golf plot is getting grounded before it even gets off the ground, thanks to our TWIMers such as today. Job well done.

    I would also like to thank Kelleysdiy for her “Like” today and Insiya Patanwala and Michael Ogazie for their “Like”‘s on my “The Color of Buttons” post. Believe me, Gang, I love writing on this blog so when I see great people such as these encourage me, it’s icing on the cake.

    You all keep me going. Thank you.

    What would keep me going further is for Y’all to keep Democracy going. Don’t leave America without it. And please register to vote, to boot. Let Freedom ring.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 25, 2019 @ 8:02 pm

  7. Holy crap, it’s an actual real-life automobile, rendered quite accurately! The Audi E-Tron, “starting from $74,800.”

    https://www.audiusa.com/models/audi-e-tron

    Comment by jvwalt — June 27, 2019 @ 6:52 am


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