This Week in Milford

June 27, 2019

How Con-VEEEEN-ient!!!!! Hadley V. Is Back!!!!!

Filed under: big arms, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos — tdrewhardin @ 9:22 am

 

 

062719

Okay, we think Jaquan is only kidding when he says he’d like some golf lessons. We think. I know I wouldn’t be spilling my guts in front of an 8-year-old about how I keep slicing everything between the hedges or the poplars or the Midford Country Club Snack Bar tables unless it was in jest. But maybe he’s trying to pull another Bo Jackson on us. Y’know, another 3 panels, another hobby.

To be fair, it’s not entirely out of the question. Alice Cooper, of “School’s Out” fame (“School’s Out(album)” and “Billion Dollar Babies”, classic, you whippersnappers) , is an excellent golfer. I model a lot of my exercise program based upon his advice on how to get better in golf. He always got up EARLY, 6:00-ish in the morning because NOBODY was at the Milford Country Club Golf Course. Yup, Gil and Mimi were still in bed. It was the best time to be there because the weather in Milford was still cooler, plus NOBODY was there to give him advice, No Gil lecturing Alice on his follow-through while Gil was sipping on his cocktail. Alice could work out the kinks that way.

And it paid off. He was consistently golfing with the golf heavyweights (Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, et al) , gaining respect as a force to be reckoned with in the golf world. In fact, Arnold Palmer wanted him to go pro, good words from a man who knew a thing or two about winning the Masters, not to mention graduating from Wake Forest, a long-time powerhouse in Men’s Golf and Women’s Golf.

Alice Cooper definitely considered it but swallowed HARD and in the end felt that a serious devotion to the sport would take away from his ability to perform on stage. Which made sense. Trying to juggle working on golf for several hours and rehearsing for his next show and then letting all out in front of the bright lights to 10,000+ would have taken its toll on the body. In the end, Alice Cooper wisely declined.

But Jaquan, I don’t know. Hasn’t he already been through one hobby? What’s he going to do, work on his swing along with the other 8th graders in the instructional workout?

“C’mon, Case, grip the club!!! Look at Wally Cleaver!!!! He’s got a sleeper hold on his stick!!!!!!”

Gil working with a guy he didn’t coach in high school and trying to show him how to putt on #3, Par 3, straight shoot to the cup, being in line behind 7th graders with their Play-Doh putters, Goliath learning along with the Munchkins how to sink a 6-footer. Works for me.

 

 

“Church Lady, I just want to see what I got. I went over to the Milford Putt Putt and shot one through the cannon for a hole-in-one. Trey and Luhm and Pearse were there if you want witnesses. Heck, they’re more trustworthy than my ex-Bishop Tardy teammates. And I got the ball more often at the Milford Pro-Am Roundball Classic. Pearse dished the dimes to this phone booth.”

“WELL!!!!!!! Aren’t you SPECIAL!!!!!!! A man has the career golf game of his life ditching the crocodiles by shooting a direct line over the drawbridge at Putt Putt #7 and gets an epiphany exhorting him to ask Gil for lessons at the Milford Country Club because he is divinely entitled to them!!!!!!!!!”

“If I can shoot it through the maze at Putt Putt #9 and avoid The Minotaur, why not?”

“Young man (Church Lady rubbing her hands profusely and her right cheek swelling with its usual saccharine amount of piety) , you have no business sweating with the masses at the MCC Golf Course. ‘Suffer the children’ is right. You have no right to hack at a Titleist that causes Kylie and her other 8-year-old girlie girl friends to puke all over their 9-irons.”

“Luhm cleaned up the mess on the greens. He needs something to do when he’s not buffing the Mudlark gym.”

“But God couldn’t stand the stench. It ruined Last Supper. Stick to the NBA or God will slam dunk you with a lightning bolt.”

 

Now that Baxendale is back, something not entirely surprising to the TWIM readers, WHAT does the ‘V’ stand for? Vaya con dios????? That has been the $64,000 question ever since her persona was hatched about 14 years ago. Okay, so “Vaya con dios, a little more arch on the ball when you’re shooting free throws!!!!!” sounds melodramatic but taking a stab SOMEWHERE might help narrow down the mystery. And I think we can rule out “Viagara”. It’s hard for me to believe that was on anybody’s mind when she was being christened. “Valporaiso”. Possible. Her parents could have been reading a Rand-McNally Atlas on Indiana or Chile while trying to solve the mystery. “Hadley” and Valparaiso” on the birth certificate. Supposin’ it’s better than flipping to the Mexico page and designating her “Hadley Veracruz Baxendale”.

 

P1: “Sure, Kanamit Jaquan, I can teach you to work on how to rotate the hips on your drives. I’m not doing anything anyway. Just giving the kids a few tips and watchin’ the wheels go ’round and ’round. Like Lennon, I really love to watch them swing.”

“SUPER, I really need a few pointers before that Open back on our planet. You wouldn’t want to go along, would you?”

 

Jaquan and Church Lady get pulled over by Texas Ranger Studman Machomania Kent Walker Shaw

Wary of getting in trouble over Writ of Habeas Corpus

“I pulled you over cuz your driver’s side brake light is busted. What are you here fer, anyhow?”

“We came by to say hello to Coach Thorp. We heard he was coaching the kids at the Milford Country Club.”

“Alright, get out of the car, both a ya”

“I’m ‘rrestin’ ya fer 2nd Degree Perjury. I ain’t seen Gil do any coachin’ since ’79. Ya have a right to remain silent, if ya giv’ up th’ right ta remain silent…”

After Miranda is done

“Any questions?”

“Yeah, can she change out of that purple garb?? I don’t think I can stomach lookin’ at that at the Milford Detention Center. Nor her glasses.”

 

Writing out the arrest warrant

“Awright, say it again. How many O’s in ‘Velcro’?”

 

And P2 is interesting. Evidently, Church Lady a/k/a Hadley Vladimir Baxendale a/k/a soon-to-be Hadley Vladimir Baxendale-Case has surprised and stunned Gil to the point that the Exploding Eye Effect has caused him to drop his left eye on the ground. Sorta like losing a contact lens. And why should he be surprised? Who does he think he was dating, Alice the Maid? She could be a mother hen to the Brady Bunch but doubt she knew much about how to steer a jock from bolting early to the NBA to getting his degree in History.

“Oh, you’ll just love Pepperdine. I majored in Art History and did my Independent Study on Raphael. Did my field studies three times, one in Venezia, one in Napoli, and one in Fiorenze. Scored an A-. Genoa was to die for. I learned that’s where Raphael learned the law. He and Abe Lincoln were studying Art Law Theory. BTW, ya wanna throw all your dirty gym shorts in the hamper? I’m about to do a load.”

And we can eliminate Betty from Archie and the Gang. She is still in love with him no matter how many times he shits on her in favor of Veronica. Hell, Archie might have competition with Jaquan. Y’know how Mr. Lodge wants Veronica dating he-man macho jocks such as Jaquan. Made for Mr. Lodge giving her away at the altar. Betty is always available should that ever occur.

Sooooooooooooo, Jaquan and Church Lady, er, Hadley Veronica SHIT, Hadley V. show up to express their respects to the one person who has made Milwaukee, er, Milford famous by sitting in the chaise lounge while Kylie wins the Masters and snatches the green jacket away from Tiger. Then Gil goes to pieces, literally.

“No worries, Coach. Lenscrafters is running a BOGO special this week. Buy one eyeball at regular price, get the second one free.”

“Thanks, Church Lady. Got an image to protect. I can’t coach these Junior Golfers looking like Cyclops’ cousin. People might think we grew up together.”

“We like ourselves…..DON’T WE???????”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Denies Any Relationship With Church Lady After Seen At The Bucket Together!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ain’t no way I’m gettin’ engaged to some granny with the worst-lookin’ orthopedic shoes since ‘Maude’.”

 

And, Gang, if no one else will say it I WILL. In p3, that has got to be the most raggedly looking hair color Hadley V. has worn since she graced the stage to put girls basketball on the map. I have LONG been a supporter of Women’s Athletics, our high school girls golf team garnering several State Championships, and I mean, all comers in the State, not Class A or Class AA, etc. I have supported the bench warmer up to the star of the team in any sport. I like how the college I follow has LONG made Women’s Athletics a priority.

That said, she looks like a St. Bernard. Is it necessary to streak her hair like that or is that one of the reasons Jaquan is attracted to her. I’ll concede she is very attractive but

“Man, the way you shake those hips and slobber at the same time really gets me going.”

Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks, I reckon.

I just couldn’t see Miss Kitty with that hair style at the Dodge City Saloon. It was bad enough she was just cannon fodder for the show while Matt Dillon executed any action. Sure, Matt going after the Dalton Gang while Miss St. Bernard washes the shot glasses. It may have lasted 20+ plus years with that formula but I turned it off after Dillon took care of the Clanton Boys and the next scene was Miss St. Bernard at the Amana Dishwasher.

 

At the Milford Football Stadium where Commencement is taking place

“…John William Barlow…”

“Congratulations, son, good luck at Harvard.”

“Thank you.”

“…Jennifer Marie Baumann…”

“Congratulations. Break a leg in the Navy.”

“Thank you, I will.”

“…Hadley Vanadium Baxendale…”

“Congratulations. We’ll see you in 14 years. Good luck at Milford Technical & Vocational College.”

“Thank you.”

 

Comment away, Gang. Some of you already have and I humbly thank you. You’re the reason for my posts, Y’all. Can’t do it without you.

 

“Harry Caray back in Wrigley talking with Hadley Vending Machine Baxendale. Vending Machine, congratulations on being promoted to general manager.”

“Thanks, Harry.”

“So what about the trade rumors involving Sutcliffe?”

“Not true. Rick has proven to be a major player in our plans and will play a mighty role in the future, #2 behind Steve Trout.”

“Vendy, are you looking to shore up the infield? I know Moreland can play a little 1st base but is that for trade bait?”

Waving off Steve’s cigar smoke with her hand

“Well. Steve, we’re on the table for anything, including Jaquan…”

 

Robmize will kill me if he sees me in Wrigley.

 

“Why do you come across so pious? You’re the most sanctimonious individual I have interviewed on WDIG Talk Radio.”

“Marty, I don’t know. It’s just that when I look at that beard, I ask myself, ‘Now who could he be? Could he be…SATAN??????’ But what was he doing at The Bucket for the “Bucket Shakes 1/2 Off Happy Hour? Perhaps demons can slurp one down too.”

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13 Comments »

  1. I very much doubt this is going to go in any satisfying direction, but I am nevertheless happy to see all-time Hall-Of-Namer Hadley V. Baxendale back. Hey, where was she when the girl’s basketball team, you know… the thing she fought so long and hard and loudly to bring attention and funding to back in high school, apparently didn’t play a game during 2 of the last 3 seasons?

    I feel bad for Steve Luhm, but swapping the bitter, bespectacled janitor for a professional basketball player and history major in Jaquan is a heck of a trade up for Hadley. Hope Steve gets an invite to the wedding anyways.

    Here’s hoping for more old character walk-ons, because the more of those there are, even if they are tremendously underwhelming, the less likely we are to spend time on the golf course. Anything over the golf course, please!

    Comment by billytheskink — June 27, 2019 @ 9:39 am

  2. Wow, my first thought on that name was that Hadley V. Baxendale from the past was either that boy student budding lawyer or that boy student who wanted to create a media icon out of a basketball player, and that now he was a ‘she’. That would have been truly a story right out of today’s headlines, think of the buzz that might have created for Gil Thorp nationwide! And the fact that she’d be marrying a famous black athlete to boot? My goodness, I don’t know if they could have handled the demand for new newspaper outlets. The strip would probably even get mentioned in the DNC debates as being woke, stunning and brave.

    But no, I remember her now, demanding that the girls’ team get cheerleaders too. Just another cisnormative wacky student with a season-long issue from the past. Sigh….. so close.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — June 27, 2019 @ 10:28 am

  3. I’d settle for a story centered on Kylie. The 8 year old phenom who shunned Gil’s golfing advice and won junior tournaments all summer. Or something.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 27, 2019 @ 11:00 am

  4. So Hadley is the lawyer in the Audi. Kind of an obvious career choice. Jaquan has met the parents – now what?
    I don’t really want to know.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — June 27, 2019 @ 11:22 am

  5. Hadley was destined to be a lawyer from her introduction to the strip. Her parents have changed a bit since 2005, if that was them in front of the house a couple days ago.

    Anyways, maybe this summer will be about her planning a wedding… or an invasion.

    Comment by billytheskink — June 27, 2019 @ 11:54 am

  6. Crossing fingers for a summer “plot” that just involves one Deep Archive character after another wandering up to the tee box and reintroducing themselves.

    Comment by jvwalt — June 27, 2019 @ 11:59 am

  7. Makes sense….the first place that these two visit, after stopping at the parents house, is the golf course, to look for Gil. It’s a surprising arc, since I always figured that Hadley had more of a romantic interest in women than men. Kylie has left, and returned back to the 80’s or 90’s, when a bow in the front of the hair and tassel golf shoes were all the rage.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 27, 2019 @ 12:04 pm

  8. I’m with billy on this one, in fact I’m thrilled to see HvB back, if only for a visit. She certainly was fun to follow. Kind of hoping to learn what happened between her persuading “The Don” to carrying out his wish to go to college instead of immediately going pro, and their relationship in the present. When she first introduced herself, as “Hadley v Baxendale, point guard,” I had my reservations, but they quickly evaporated. One of the all time Mfnrd standouts.

    Comment by vaganova — June 27, 2019 @ 12:16 pm

  9. If old characters are going to be regurgitated, let’s bring back “Wildcat” or Steve Wilcox. Wildcat was truly a dick, but he kept things interesting. Steve Wilcox was such a tool, that even Marty Moon told him off.

    Comment by franku2016 — June 27, 2019 @ 1:51 pm

  10. Dangit, BtS, your history is irrefutable (& fun)
    Over the last few years, all parents look the same: Big Daddys

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — June 27, 2019 @ 5:12 pm

  11. Clambake! Clambake! Bring back Clambake! Lock your eyes on one hole!

    Comment by jvwalt — June 27, 2019 @ 6:44 pm

  12. Thanks for the links showing how the Chief has taken on McLaughlin’s old character design. I stand second to no one in giving grief to the creative team, but I’ll say Hadley’s depiction definitely looks like an early middle aged attorney. Albeit one who developed a mole after high school.

    Comment by timbuys — June 27, 2019 @ 7:23 pm

  13. WOW GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT COMMENTS AND DISCUSSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You kept Democracy alive with your commentary today and that makes for a better store. Without a Vision, the People perish.

    I read every one of your comments today and Hadley V. needs to get the number of that truck. It was a tractor-trailer job.

    Y’all keep me going. Now let’s help Robmize tomorrow and keep the Torch of Democracy lit.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 27, 2019 @ 8:02 pm


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