This Week in Milford

July 9, 2019

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch.

Filed under: ?, Milford Weirdos — tdrewhardin @ 6:06 am

070919

Oh, look. Family time at the Jansen household. Time to kick back, enjoy the Gerber Crushed Carrot Cake Mush Souffle Mama Jansen concocted and set out in one of the bowls. You sure she didn’t get Lassie’s bowl confused with the Turnip Surprise, well, never mind.

And before we go any further, don’t you get this sickly feeling that The Jetsons, er, Jansens(I was wondering why we didn’t see a space vehicle parked in the living room) is just a way to take up space in the next 2 months until The Football Chronicles returns for its 61st season in September? Better hurry and get your tickets before theater prices increase.

As a few TWIMers have mentioned, wasn’t this already said and done? Yes, Tiki could stay even though he was a legal resident in another city. As long as he had a venue to lay his head at night and didn’t languish in Hooverville, he could stay in Rockville. He didn’t have to worry about going back to Rockville cuz he was already there.

But that’s when Thorpiverse and the Milford School Board knocked heads on this one (not literally, though I wonder) and decided that the golf plot had run its course. So they rummaged the phone book for any more plot characters and once they hit a snag at Milford Pest Control (Where Termites and Golf Are a Dead Issue) and Mudlark Swimming Pool Supply, they said “What the heck, the Jansens weren’t going to Disney World or the Grand Canyon or anywhere else on vacation, why don’t we tear up that agreement we had with them and throw it in the fireplace at the Milford Moose Lodge and create another living nightmare worth 2 months of Bates Motel drama? We can kill off Norman Bates at the end of the summer by Tiki shooting him with a BB gun in self-defense and dumping his body in Mudlark Lake. It oughta sink to the bottom by the time Tiki turns in his physical for football. Then we won’t have to worry about extricating ourselves from another messy, convoluted golf plot. Just make sure you pass enough $20 bills under the table to the School Board at the meeting, Thorpiverse. The sooner the School Board can fire off that railroad job of a letter to the Jansens, the better. And you don’t want to cut into the 2 months that is getting shorter even as I text. Hurry before the mailman arrives.

And it’s time to play NAME THAT BOWL!!!!!!!!! And now, here’s your host WINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! MARTINDALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KING OF THE GAME-SHOW-BEFORE-COSBY-HOUR-APPEARS-AT-8:00PM(OR 7:00PM, CENTRAL STANDARD TIME)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the bowl in the middle has to be some creature Dr. Spock speared on some planet in the constellation Orion. Those are the leftovers. And the one at the far end where the Invisible Man is seated is more than likely the azalea bush Mama Jansen yanked out of the ground with the backhoe and after offering the table d’hote to Mr. Ed, it became a part of the Public Domain. Surely someone has a rapaciousness for true organic cuisine. And you didn’t need to spray it down with DDT, Mama Jansen kept it in the oven at 475 degrees and, Hell, set it and forget it. It’ll get debugged the old-fashioned way.

Then there’s the mystery bowl. This could range from a huge porcelain container of Spaghetti O’s (how many cans did Mama Jansen buy at Milford Kroger? 10 for 10?) to a Betty Crocker Bundt Coffee Cake. Yup, better keep a lid on the latter. You be bitchin’ about the Milford School Board makin’ Tiki finally pay up all his parking fines in the Student Section at Milford High School or he’ll be takin’ the next train out of Rockville, through Petticoat Junction all the way back to his original residence in New Thayer and next thing you know, the Duncan Hines Coconut Supreme White Chocolate Torte got stale. Okay, Papa Jansen, you’re gonna call Hadley Ventura for a possible lawsuit (really, isn’t this script just writing itself? Is this how Mr. Ed got on the air?) but, damn it, put the lid back on the bowl when you’re done scooping your 3rd helping of Chef Boy-ar-Dee Mini Ravioli.

“Willllllbbbuurrr, would you paassssssss that bowl of tater tottttttttttttssssssssss?”

“Ed, you know that’s not in the script. The producer will get mad.”

“Neither is Coach Thhhooooooorrrppppppp coming overrrrrrrrr after Mimiiiiiiiiiiii burneddddddd the hard-boilllllleedddddd eggggssssssssss but sometimmmeesssssss ya gotta immpppppprrrrrrroooooooovise.”

Then there’s the bowl arrangement

I think this was the French Defense Opening employed by Jose Capablanca against Paul Morphy in an International Chess Federation-sanctioned match, before they went to the number system to indicate moves (e.g., k-e2, b(c1)-f4ch, etc.) . No, don’t even go there, Gang. Nothing to do with Bobby Fischer. He always started out P-K4 (p-e4, if you want to be iconclastic) . Notice the bowl of jimson weeds in the way. Unless that’s his opponent, then his opponent can always go en passant if Bobby dares move his bowl of hash browns 2 spaces but I think his opponent is contemplating bowl of Rice Krispies-KB6ch, K-E2, bowl of Stove Top Stuffing-E6mate. I read that pinning combination in one of Irving Chernev’s books. Or maybe it was Bruce Pandolfini.

Come to think of it, Capablanca might be using an  Indian Opening Variation. I just wish the Invisible Man would return from the bathroom. How long has he been in there? Is he that constipated? Chickweed will do that, I reckon.

And then we come to the part where we discuss Tiki’s hair. A Rug Rat variation replete with a skunk’s hide and a poor excuse for dreadlocks (E for effort, Tiki) hanging from it is about as tacky as Rug Rats was. Oh, I loved the cartoon but let’s not confuse it with “Wait ’til Your Father Gets Home.”

“Irma, do you realize how much it’s going to cost to move back to New Thayer?”

“Oh, Harry, we’ll manage. We’re cartoon veterans. We’ve seen worse strips in Buzz Sawyer. Remember when he found out that Roscoe Sweeney had come out of the closet?”

“I don’t blame you, Harry Boyle. I heard there’s more Commie spies per capita on any typical block in New Thayer than the whole city of Milford. You gotta watch ’em. Me and my vigilante group spotted an Iron & Sickle on a Slushee machine at a New Thayer 7-11 when we stopped to get gas.”

“Ralph, you keep out of this. Go give Coach Thorp pointers on his golf game. I heard Stalin was his caddy.”

 

If ya dump deer meat gizzards on the chinet paper plate cuz ya don’t want ta ruin good deer meat that ya shot in yore back yard by dumpin’ the contents in a Louis XIV porcelain bowl that ya bought at a yard sale last week and ya’d ruther suffer from Chinet breath, ya might be a redneck.

Oh, damn, I forgot about the OXO cups on the table. Definite Sicilian Defense, fer sure.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Defeated At Milford Chess Open By Invisible Man!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“”That dude employs the Caro Kann Defense and I fall for it everytime. Karpov killed me  at the Oakwood All-Comers Invitational.

 

Lordy, then there’s P2. Somebody needs to instruct Thorpiverse on the proper technique for hair coloring and/or light and shadow. Papa Jansen is passable, Ward Cleaver misapplying Grecian Formula at worst but, damn, you sure Tiki didn’t spill the bowl of Spaghetti O’s on his head? Thank we’ll probably never know as I didn’t see the colorized version. Groty to the max. There’s only so much I can take from a character who’s regurgitating the past but if he shows up in the hallways at Milford High School, he runs the risk of being stuck with the sobriquet Oreo Head.

And what could be causing Oreo Head to deserve this dubious appellation? Surely there’s not a strobe light flickering by the Stove Top Chicken Stroganof bowl or the chinet platter full of celery w/pimento cheese.

“Hey, you got pimento cheese in my cookies!!!!!!!!”

“And you got cookies in my pimento cheese!!!!!!!!!!

And to think.

 

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS!!!!!!!!!! Then call 9-1-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Somebody just got decapitated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“When accidents happen, isn’t it nice to have piece of mind when you call The Shark? Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey and I make sure people get the money they deserve.”

“I was in The Bucket drive-thru ordering a Bucket Chimichanga when a drunk driver slammed into us from behind, thinking he was at the Milford Beverage Warehouse and hoping to make it before it closed.

Thank God for The Shark. I got my head sewn back on, I got my back pay and lost wages from lost time at work. The drunk driver’s lawyer even picked up the tab on the Bucket Chimichanga which splatted all over the glove box. And he made sure I got mild sauce instead of the fire brand sauce to pour all over my replacement Chimichanga. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard it from my clients. Insurance companies are working hard and past the time The Bucket closes to present a winning case. Don’t let them cheat you out of the money you deserve. Call The Shark today!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

The Baxendales are going conservative here. Definite Ruy Lopez. And they kept all the pawns covered. Let’s not let the Crock Pot of Sara Lee Apple Cobbler get cold while we’re discussing our options on the remaining years in the NBA. Talking about free agency and one of the teams whose offer intrigues you over a pot of lukewarm Fazoli’s fettucini that you got cuz The Bucket was out of it just doesn’t wash in the scheme of things.

And who knows what Morthead will do? The Bulls would be a good choice. He could hope they draft another Pippen and they can start their own 3-peat or 4-peat, etc. People with that intimidating Bull on their caps and “I Like Morthead” on their shirts, no wonder why Mr. Baxendale broaches the subject. Over Boone’s Farm Premium, no less. Oh, BTW, pass the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, Mr. Baxendale. And you might want to be careful leaving that platter of Oscar Meyer Fried Bologna exposed to the rook. No sense in getting smothered mate by one of the Boone’s Farm glasses.

Gang, I don’t know about you but that frickin’ quill that Thomas Jefferson used to sign at the signing of the Declaration of Independence just looks bad on Hadley Venison’s head. As long as we’re going to throw around NBA Lingo like Jerry Lawler used to throw Freezer Thompson around in the ring, can Hadley Venom give VO5 a try?

And whattup with the discussion of the NBA? I don’t think Air Jordan is showing up at the Baxendales next week for scones and tea. Steve Kerr does not have one of his vehicles parked in their garage. Luc Longley does not call long distance from Australia asking Hadley Vermouth how it went at the orthodontist. Nice try, Thorpiverse. This is just a diversion until we get to the real meat of the issue, Hadley Verkampfen battling Clarence Darrow at the Milford Municipal Court over where to attend school.

 

“Mr. Darrow, he should be able to teach evolutuion at Milford too!!!!!!!!!!!’

I’m sensing an oncoming Battle Royale.

 

Comment away, Gang. I think I can checkmate Mr. Baxendale once I queen my Paul Newman’s Ranch Dressing bottle. The King is dead.

 

“Hey Oreo Head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You got Star-Kist Tuna in my Chips Ahoy!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sorry, Charlie, but only the finest tuna-chocolate ship goulash gets to be Star-Kist.”

Managed to kill 2 birds with one stone. God, I’m good.

 

 

“Harry, you think Hadley Vladimir Ilyich Lenin will ever marry Jaquan? Because you just don’t mix the Commies with Old Glory. Huh?”

“No!!!!”

“Huh?”

“No!!!!!”

“Huh?”

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Look, Ralph, Jaquan is doing it the old-fashioned way. He’s earning a good living as a basketball player and is in a position to get married financially. Sounds like the American Way to me.”

“I don’t know, Harry, that Bull on his cap looks too much like Pancho Villa to me. He wins an NBA ring then the next thing you know he and Trotsky lead a revolution right into downtown Chicago. It’s only a matter of time before all the NBA cities come tumbling down. Then Milford High School starts adding The Little Red Book to its curriculum.”

“Oh, Ralph, you come up with the wildest ideas.”

“Just doing my patriotic duty to protect this country from Mao and all his family.”

12 Comments »

  1. Paging Hadley V. Baxendale, attorney-at-law! She might get an ad on the football scoreboard for this one!

    Comment by David — July 9, 2019 @ 6:36 am

  2. Why is this dipshit JQ sitting around getting fat off of mashed potatoes, gravy, and any of that other shit sitting on the table and not improving his game in the NBA summer league?

    Comment by franku2016 — July 9, 2019 @ 9:19 am

  3. Since the actual strip today is about nothing but making Pa Baxendale look foolish – even though this is an era where the stars can pretty much pick their own teams………

    The Summer League is for rookies and G leaguers looking to get a bit of exposure and land a contract.10 year veteran all stars need all the time off they can get before training camp to work on their MAs. The Celtics are having fun this summer, since they have a ton of low draft picks from the last 2 years, and, more important, Tacko Fall.
    https://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/celtics/2019/07/08/tacko-fall-impresses-again-for-celtics-win-over-cavaliers/SElogiYF1IJZoJDoGsEZwK/story.html

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — July 9, 2019 @ 9:43 am

  4. Well, since gramps Baxendale is asking him about the Bulls, JQ should fill him in on how the rest of the league is making moves to add parity while the Bulls sit on their hands, as usual. Maybe he is too experienced for the summer league, so he would be better off running some pass routes while some girl tosses him a Nerf football.

    Comment by franku2016 — July 9, 2019 @ 11:36 am

  5. Yeah, David, the only obvious link between the Jaquan-Hadley panels (I will not call it a “story”) and Tiki’s dilemma would be for H. V Baxendale, Esq., to represent Tiki and get him back into Milford.
    A real lawyer would ask two questions right up front: what are the state high school rules regarding the residence part of eligibility, and, given that the original problem was some students at New Thayer, and given what the family has spent on this apartment in Milford, wouldn’t it have been less expensive in the long run to send Tiki to a private school?

    Comment by Philip — July 9, 2019 @ 12:04 pm

  6. Hey, the Bulls have made some good moves. They might win 30 games this year and be ready to sign a big name in 2021!

    So yeah, no way in hell a 32 year old star looking for his last shot at glory goes there in 2019.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — July 9, 2019 @ 12:04 pm

  7. I also thought the crew have graduated or more than likely dropped out or sent to juvy alternative school. So give good ol’ New Thayer a try a whip Gil’s dumb ass. JQ seems like a good Bulls addition. In last weeks flashback he was seen dribbling ball during game while conversing with court side skank. Just perfect for Bulls. If Scott Skiles was still coaching he’d run on court and bite JQ’s ankles. Not only do I miss Jordan, I detest the current NBA garbage so much I miss Juwan Oldham.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 9, 2019 @ 12:46 pm

  8. Maybe Gil sez “this fuckin’ kid again? he might cause me to forfeit games. Hey Pearl!….wake up, would ya’….don’t we have an attorney that we can sic on this kid and his mom to get him to stay in his own district and not make it look like I’m some kind of cheater?…I can give you the name of one if need be…”

    Comment by franku2016 — July 9, 2019 @ 2:05 pm

  9. At least in my state, New York, the rules for who is eligible to attend a school– and be eligible to play sports– are a little muddy. But they would not allow a family to rent an empty apartment to establish a mailing address and call that “residence.” “The spirit of the rule” has taken some bodyshots in the comments, but it’s a real thing. Do you live in Mfnrd or not? An unoccupied address– a transparent attempt to circumvent the residence requirement– would not be in keeping with the spirit of the rule.

    Two recollections. When I was coaching soccer, our star forward’s family lived in another district, but he played for us. His parents were breaking up, and he moved in with a summer league teammate in our town. We went to the sectional officials and laid out the facts. They agreed that he lived in the district, especially since he did not stay overnight when he went to visit either parent. He remained in our town through the rest of school, and played spring sports as well.

    That year we went to the state final. Our opponent opened with an aggressive, high tempo game, so much so that the head coach initially had me keep track of jerseys, as it seemed they must have more than eleven players on the field. We were down 3-0 at the half. We made some changes in the locker room and went kamikaze ourselves, scoring two goals almost immediately. We were also awarded two penalty kicks but their keeper stopped them both. So we lost, 3-2. Long, quiet bus ride home…

    Two weeks later, the bomb went off. Our opponent had FIVE players from other schools on its team, and none of them had a bed in that town. We had not been playing Xville, but the Section 1 All-Stars. So there is no champion in the record books for that year.

    In this story, the Jensens are closer to the fraudulent second case than they are the first. Perhaps Counselor Baxendale can convince the board that Tiki executed his plan in self-defense, and win some kind of exception.

    Comment by vaganova — July 9, 2019 @ 2:05 pm

  10. Yeah, domicile cases have always hinged on stuff like “intent”
    You can define it all you want based on facts, but there’s still an element of judgement, or spirit

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — July 9, 2019 @ 7:46 pm

  11. Excellent commentary, Gang. I was immersed in it from the get-go and never looked back. Our TWIMers come through once again with timely, not to mention damn good stuff.
    Jive Turkey, I liked your take on Scott Skiles, a Hoosier who went on to better things. We laugh but that was pretty much the truth from his high school days to his playing career at Michigan State to his coaching career. Dude was intense. And still is.
    Vaganova, thanks for your poignant story about a reality that hits us ever so often and many of our TWIMers weighed in with some incisive points of their own.
    Many people are just simply trying to get away from a bad situation. There was a shameless incident in my hometown where the player’s parents got a better job because the high school was trying to recruit him. The high school he left understandably filed a complaint with the High School Athletic Association. And, of course, the poorer high school lost, another sad case of the rich getting richer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for better oppotunities. But get them yourself, not through unscrupulous athletic boosters with one thing on their minds.
    Anyway, well done, Vaganova. The story tugged at my heart.
    But y’all done good. The discussion was at fever pitch. I’ll take that in my or other peoples’ post any day. Keep Denocracy going, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — July 14, 2019 @ 1:28 pm

  12. […] still scared Of New Thayer So he’d rather Go to Milford He will not be A mere vagrant He will Stay with Leonard […]

    Pingback by Not Janet’s Diner Again!?! | This Week in Milford — August 14, 2019 @ 11:24 am


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