This Week in Milford

July 25, 2019

“And I Always Call 400 Lawyers When I Always Owe 400 Mil…”

072519When I wake up, I know where I wanna be I wanna sleep with the man

Who’s gonna marry me

When I’m angry, so angry I could shit I know I’m gonna shine a heat lamp

On my father’s head

When I throw up, I know it’s cuz I ate too much all this fancy cooking

Clogging up my butt

When I clean up, I know I need some Clearasil I know that wart was

Just one fancy zit

 

And I always type 400 briefs and I always fax 400 lawyers

Just to be sure that the case is closed

And we’re not left hanging by our drawers

 

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

Always fax 400 lawyers

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

Not get shot stripped down to our drawers

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S GOT ME. THERE’S ONE MORE FROG ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAY MILLAND HAS ALREADY GOTTEN EATEN BY AN 8-FOOT KERMIT THE FROG AND AN 8-FOOT MISS PIGGY ATE HIS REMAINS FOR DESSERT, HELP!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!-Oh, it’s you, Mrs. Baxendale. For a moment, I thought you were the Goodyear Blimp but sometimes when Salvador Dali is the artist as in P1, these optical illusions can be quite a sight for sore eyes. I figured that you were inflated to 35 lb/psi when I didn’t see any blimp messages, e.g. “Eat at The Bucket this week for Daily Daquiris Hour, 3-4 P.M. every day, Cherry Daiquiri topped with Bucket Cool Whip, 1/2 off” or “Goodyear Steel-belted, 2-Ply, All-weather, 36,000 Mile Warranty, Looks-Like-They-Ran-Over-Mrs.-Baxendale’s-Visage Radials, 4 for $450, Only at Milford Tire and Wheel”.

 

Because I stand in befuddlement when people who should know better get attacked by bison at Yellowstone National Park that involved a 9-year-old getting head-butted by one, prompting me off-hand to say that when enjoying wildlife

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE AT ALL TIMES

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Almost Stampeded By A Herd Of Moose At Milford Nature Area, Manages To Climb An Elm Tree To Safety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“‘I thought Cochrane was scary when he pleaded his case with Ito until I tried to feed one of them some Wheaties'”

 

And where in the name of Jerry Pulver are Mrs. Baxendale and Hadley Venom? As long as we’re going to talk herds of lawyers and keeping your distance from them (gotta watch ’em. They like to feed in the same area as the black bears in the Smokies) , I’d like to know the venue where Hadley Veronica is pouring her heart out with mamma, lawyers, Papa Warbucks, er, Baxendale, or the Cubs (GOTCHA, Robmize-ha) .

Well, it’s the same brick wall that Pink Floyd used for The Wall but I don’t see any queers in the theater tonight (even tho Mrs. Baxendale DEFINITELY doesn’t look right) to get up against a wall or anyone with spots, let alone have any of them shot (just reading off the album’s cheat sheet) and I don’t think David Gilmour frequents a place that has all the atmosphere of a minimum security fortress so I’m gonna go ahead and rule that out if it’s OK with the rest of you.

And I’m almost positive that they’re not in the studio where The Police are remastering Zenyatta Mondatta. No “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” while Hadley Verdant is wailing about Daddy Warbucks. Read the sign, Gang. It’s KENYATTA, not Zenyatta. You do know your Z’s from your K’s, right? The 400 lawyers are not the chorus backing Sting on “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”. Just thought I’d get that straightened out ahead of time.

And again, it really doesn’t look like Shawshank, the bricks look too modern. And Andy Du Fresne would be coming out of Mr. Baxendale’s tub anytime after he left a hole in the wall behind Mrs. Baxendale. Boy, the case brief the 400 lawyers would have to file for that one.

Hey, I’ll go with some Joe Blow coffee shop meant to promote ATMOSPHERE while this pile of Quaker Oats gets steeper and steeper. And that’s not the half of it. Didn’t they just get done shooting a scene of intramural football? Didn’t that replace the Putt Putt Miniature Golf plot? And weren’t they supposed to get together at another IHOP in New Thayer because the New Thayer Creme de la Creme Bon Cuisine et Le Plus Bon Vin dans le Soleil du Centre de Paris burnt to the ground because the toilet’s circuitry got mixed with the Dutch oven? And does Thor strike coffee cups to the ground too? Man, that piece of porcelain Mrs. Baxendale is drinking out of got burnt at the stake. Thor must have angered Zeus and vice versa and they both took it out on Poseidon’s corningware. Mythology couldn’t generate any more interest.

 

When I speak up, I know she’ll only have a cow she’ll never take me

To Milford Six Flags again

When I read up (When I read up) The Vulcan Times has published dates of all the times

Captain Kirk jump-starts his ship

Oh my daughter (oh my daughter) , I know she wants to marry rich so I won’t be her

Sugar Daddy in escrow

When I find out, you know I’ll make sure that he’s buying out the

7-11 shelf of IUD’s.

 

And I’d always drive 400 miles just to loan her account 400 bucks

Gotta make sure the ATM won’t overdraw

So she won’t wind up SOL

 

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Spot her balance 400 bucks

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

So she won’t wind up SOL

 

Ooooooooooookkkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to bring sanity and order to a plot that has wandered off into Milford Natural Area. I don’t think it’s feeding time for the leopards yet. Anyway, take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Zenyatta Mondatta was a country on Mr. Baxendale’s head, next to ___________________”

 

As long as the soap opera is going from “Days of Our Lives” to “Another World” to “General Hospital” to “One Live to Live”, leap-frogging to “Dallas” to “Falcon Crest” in the same hour on the same channel (feel sorry for the sponsors) ,  I’d like some verification if you wouldn’t mind.

It’s a reasonable assumption that any dad only wants the best for his daughter and that’s really the gist of Mrs. Baxendale’s conversation (she’s married to the equivalent of J. R. Ewing, after all) . What’s NOT reasonable is the conversation protruding from Hadley Viniculum in P2. I never talk about my personal life with ONE lawyer, much less 400 of them. Nope, not gonna divulge to 400 Perry Masons who I’m gonna marry next or what I ate at the school cafeteria in the 3rd grade. If you’re gonna work out your life ahead of you and we’re gonna assume (I’M gonna assume anyway) it’s gonna be with Jaquan, it’s really unnecessary to call The Shark. Unless you run into each other in the bathroom because he slipped on a bar of soap and his butt crushes your face, well, yeah, I’d call 1-FON-THE_JAWS. Then it would be a horse of a different color.

“The Case of the Milford Moto-Lodge Capers”.

Boy, what channel is Perry Mason on? And right after Dobie Gillis?

 

Your only dad? Hadley Vector, at last count, and here I’m speaking biologically, you really only have one of them. I’m sure you can dig up in your Star Trek video collection an episoed where Dr. McCoy told Captain Kirk that the former was the father of the latter even though the latter also had a dad in Oelwein, Iowa who worked as a farmer when he wasn’t moonlighting as a factory worker and, oh yeah, that one in Visalia, California who’s been a career census worker, oh shoot, I forgot about the one in Bennington, Vermont who works the National Forest collecting specimens for Williams College and, oh yeah…

 

If ya have to call 400 injury lawyers cuz the crossing guard at the railroad didn’t function right cuz the squirrels escaped from the contraption pullin’ the crossing guard cuz they seen some walnuts on the ground and the Milford & Oakwood ran over yore pickup truck and they’re gonna have to ampyatate yore right leg and yore truck bed at Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

 

THE PLAY-DOH FACE IS BACK IN P3!!!!!!!!! That’s right, he was Lou Grant yesterday, today he’s Chief O’Hara, relaxing before he has to call on the Batphone that is sitting there on the counter in the kitchen. Get out of the way, Mrs. Baxendale, The Joker and his gang are holding the 400 lawyers hostage at Hadley Virgo’s office.

And if that’s not the Batphone, WHAT IS IT? Talk about Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. This one takes the cake. And maybe that’s literally. Of course, when you’re done lapping up all the Betty Crocker Butternut Cake Mix, ya gotta store the rest of the batter SOMEWHERE. Can’t use the fridge. Don’t put in it in the Salt and Pepper rack. And don’t even THINK of storing it in the cupboard next to the Minute Rice. I think we’ve nailed this one.

And when Rubber Face is done reading the sports section in the Kanamit Plain Dealer, maybe he’ll listen to his wife. And maybe we’ll find out what’s eatin’ him.

“They wouldn’t let Jaquan referee that 7-on-7 scrimmage? My daughter fought the State High School Athletic Association over his eligibility. NBA players only had to have a score of 75 on the State Exam.”

Well, I had to take a stab. I’ll narrow this one down. Promise.

 

“Honey, come to bed. You can read the Vulcan Times for another day.”

“But there’s an interesting article on Dr. Spock’s virginity. He hasn’t had sex on another dimension at all. The planet Ganymede was barren in more ways than one.”

“I can take you to Jupiter if you’ll give me a chance. Let me inflate you the way I inflate my face.”

“It says it takes 76 light years before he could copulate with a Vulcanette. She could buy Mary Kay Cosmetics from her Mary Kay sales lady from Deneb in the meantime. He was shooting at Darth Vader while trying to work up an orgasm.  God, no wonder why he never could get it on.”

“But I’m right here. You can get it on in 2 seconds.”

“Um, let me call Hadley V. one more time. I just want to make sure they’re sleeping in separate bunks, she on top and he on the bottom. I’d hate to hear they ruined the Holiday Inn towels because the relationship was top-heavy.”

“Darling, it’s 1:00AM. I’m sure they’re sound asleep and the bunks are at a proper angle. Even though they’re probably snuggled up in the same bunk.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! The whole damn thing will collapse and cause an earthquake in Milford. They wouldn’t dare sleep together in the top bunk!!!!!!!! That’s why you don’t put Red Sovine and his semi’s on the top branch of a redwood!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m sure they slept on the bottom. And we need to sleep on the bottom too. In this Serta.”

“You don’t put a Serta on a redwood either!!!!!!!!!! The grizzlies might sleep in it and where would my daughter stay for the night???????”

“Darling, are you flat AS a bunk bed?”

 

“There was no two ways about it. I had to confront my daughter’s future and my own future with my sexuality. And when I climbed down from the redwood after wrestling with the devil and a grizzly for my Blessing, I went to Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that will make my sexual life taller than Jaquan and with proven medications sure to inflate matters bigger than my wife’s face when she gets puffed up herself when at the County Jail Snack Bar in a mother-daughter tete-a-tete, I feel like a new man again. Lou Grant with an attitude. Come see for yourself at Milford Men’s Clinic. What have you got to lose except your virginity?”

 

Comment away. I’m checking out all the deals Rural King has on the planet Io. I need a riding mower. The grass is getting brown on my lawn on the planet Mars.

 

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Almost Loses Arm At Milford Petting Zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Was trying to caress a croc when it was munching on jowl bacon at feeding time.”

 

 

 

 

And I always walk 400 miles just to give this plot 400 barbs

Can we just forget the summer now

If it were beer, it’d have only 400 carbs

 

Da Da Dun Dun…

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6 Comments »

  1. Mrs. Baxendale’s sudden weight gain is part of a vicious circle; She gains some weight, and limp-dick Ed ignores her; the more he ignores her, the more depressed she gets; the more depressed she gets, the more she eats; the more she eats, the fatter she gets, and so on, and so on, ….maybe that’s what’s bugging Ed and not JQ’s career path

    Comment by franku2016 — July 25, 2019 @ 1:50 pm

  2. Maybe Ed is concerned about what the boys at the club will say about his daughter’s inter-racial relationship. I suspect this is not common in Milford.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — July 25, 2019 @ 4:19 pm

  3. Blow up already and talk to the man. Do you always bring your job home and where ever else you go? Great, you work with 400 lawyers. What does that have to do with pops wanting you to think this through? If that’s really the issue. Either way, we got it, you’re a slip n fall lawyer.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — July 25, 2019 @ 5:26 pm

  4. Panel 1: “Your father isn’t a flaming racist.”

    Panel 3: “Actually, I have no idea if he’s a flaming racist.”

    Comment by jvwalt — July 25, 2019 @ 7:58 pm

  5. You have 400 lawyers who can help you think through your relationship issues? That is NOT how Big Law firms work…

    Comment by timbuys — July 26, 2019 @ 1:58 pm

  6. You people always come through for me. Another super round of comments, Gang.

    Everybody was excellent but I hope nobody minds, I’d like to address Bobby Joe’s comment. I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if that’s the direction we’re going, based upon the “Guess Who’s Coming Home to Dinner?” aura to the scheme of things so far. Bigots still exist in this world, unfortunately.

    Keep Democracy Burnin’, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — July 29, 2019 @ 11:11 am


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