This Week in Milford

August 8, 2019

“You’re A School Board Member Now. Take Your Finger Out Of Your Mouth.”

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Hadley V. Baxendale, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

080819

Mr. Ballard is chasing Hadley Victrola all over Milford Towers because she’s getting more tips than Mr. Ballard. They jump out of the window, up on the ledge just out of the 82nd floor. Balancing their lives with their coin changer, Mr. Ballard has ol’ RCA Victrola trapped.

Suddenly, she remembers the Bugs Bunny cartoon she watched when she was a kid and Dad was away at a Rogaine Is Not Just For Men Under Seventy convention. She remembers Bugs being trapped on a similar ledge, this one on the ledge of the 73rd floor of the Milford General Finance Building. The ape was getting closer and closer, jealous that Bugs was getting all the coins thrown in his cup.

“Heeeyyyyyyyy, Mr. Ballard!!!!!!!! I got a trick. Watch this.”

She puts her finger in her mouth and begins to float off the ledge. She alights the ledge once again.

“You try it.”

Mr. Ballard is a little dodgy with the coin changer around his waistline and the beard most assuredly doesn’t help in trying to float. Try sticking your finger in your mouth while maneuvering through 1,295 Brillo pads around your chin and cheeks and you get the idea.

But he manages.

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! There you go, Mr. Ballard. You can see all of Milford, can’t you? Yeah, there’s the water tower over there, right behind the Spanish Inquisition. They’re terrorizing the conductor and the brakeman on the Milford & Oakwood!!!!!!!! Oh, you can see Milford High School? Where? Oh, by that Roadway turning left onto Main Street!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know Milford High School cafeteria had an account with them. The Roadway guy has Ho Ho’s on his dolly? And Wonder Bread Hot Dog Buns?  No, I  can’t say I see Gil’s hair. I didn’t know you could his Brylcreem for an airport beacon. Oh, he’s the one standing next to Bubba Joe Tilwell. Yeah, I understand he’ll be working with the defensive line. put some hair on their chests at those 7-on-7’s. Mr. Ballard, shame on you, you’re a big boy now, take your finger out of your mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!”

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

To the lovely driver, Kentucky license plate # 852 XHV, who was driving in New Albany, Indiana 50 feet the wrong way and endangering the lives of those coming TOWARDS him because the driver was too lazy to drive around the block because 2 minutes of the driver’s time was evidently too much, hazarding a guess that he had to pick up his son at the 7-on-7 scrimmage and get to the Milford Barber Shoppe before it closed

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Traffic Stopped For Hours After Man Falls From The 73rd Floor Of Milford General Finance And Crashes On Top Of A Buick Skylark Backing Out Of Loading Dock The Wrong Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm it was Mr. Ballard, the insurance agent. He could not re-insert valve stem in mouth in time to prevent landing on the cantaloupe grinds in the trunk.”

 

“Upon further review, the School Board has announced a reversal of the call and that Tiki Jansen will enroll at Milford High School in the Fall, pending mandatory flu shots and rabies injections at Milford Apothecary.”

Yup, the video said it all. They had to use pliers to finally pry Mr. Ballards index finger away from his bicuspid but it appears justice will be served or is headed in that direction. Miss Hathaway and Marcia Brady will only rubber-stamp that notion.

There are other issues to address now that Tiki will not have to live in Mammoth Cave (we’re assuming) while taking 18th-Century French Prose at Milford High (be true to your school, Tiki, attaway) .

For example, Miss Hathaway will be required to use Pond’s Rejuveness Anti-aging Anti-wrinkle Anti-Tiki Cold Cream in the 7 oz. jar to remove the Folger’s stain on her right cheek. The cold cream also does wonders in fixing the acute angles on her cheekbones so that Miss Hathaway doesn’t go to dinner at the Clampett’s later that evening looking like one of The Three Musicians. Picasso in a doctor’s office is nice decor; looking at Picasso swallowing chicken gizzards and downing it with moonshine at the Clampett’s dinner table is a horse of a different color. And cover your mouth, Miss Hathaway. Eating mashed taters with your jaw chewing in obsidian proportions is a little nauseating. I know I’d pass on a second helping of Leg of Lamb And Bucket o’ Shrimp Flambe.

And Marcia Brady will have to punch back in at Milford Audi. The owner wasn’t crazy about giving Marcia the time off during Inventory Clearance Event. So what if some punk kid was mired in the middle of bureaucratic pettiness? According to the owner, if the President of Milford Swimming Pool Supply drives out of the lot with a ’07 with barely 125,000 because the Little Old Lady from Milford only drove it on Saturday to hold the sign that said “New Thayer Sucks!!!!!!!” or “Oakwood Only Has 7 Legitimate Children On The Field!!!!!!!!!!” at Mudlark football games, then Tiki can sleep on a park bench that Gil and Mimi pass by when jogging. Shut the damn VCR off and get your ass back on the sales floor, Marcia.

And it’s a beautiful day. Usually, when it’s storming the streak in the window resembles someone’s drawing pencil gone a tad awry on vellum paper. Not today. New Madrid Fault City. Only thing missing is the earthquake but Tiki already took the steamboat down the Mississippi with Mr. Twain and his entourage to enroll at Milford. The Richter Scale has left the barn, just past Cairo.

 

If ya got yore finger up yore ass cuz ya fergot to buy some toilet tissue at Milford Convenient Mart even tho ya got plenty a’ Polish sausage on a bun, with pickles and relish, not ta mention a hefty helpin’ of Mudlark-style mustard, plus 2 bags a Lays Tater Chips in th’ 3 pound containers, Bar-B-Q and Cream Dill Pickle plus 34 3-Liter bottles a’ Mudlar-K-Cola Lemon Lime that’ll cause ya to burp up videos of Tiki when he was in diapers or takin’ his first baby steps at the Fleming’s household, ya might be a redneck.

 

And how does Mr. Ballard KNOW these yahoos have graduated? Mr. Ballard, take your finger out of your butt. If you can substantiate evidence that the administrative staff at New Thayer High School sent their transcripts to you when the UPS truck pulled up in your driveway to deliver that and Avon perfume bottles and booklets to your wife, then OK, I’ll take my Avon Shampoo and rub the Kiwi Fruit gel all over my hair and like it.

Otherwise, you have some explaining to do. How did you KNOW they graduated? Did you attend their Commencement? Watch them throw their graduation caps in the air? Listen to one of them give the Valedictorian Address?

“Fellow New Thayerians, if you want to prepare for the Game of Life, don’t be like my friends who turned out to be the Pharaohs in ‘American Graffiti’ and played the Jimmy Dean Fast-Track pinball machine all day at Milford Arcade. They may have racked up the points for several hours but the quarter they inserted in the slot could only beep off the bumpers for so long. Eventually, Game Over.”

The next day

“Oh, Tiki, Bugs Meany gave a very moving address. Said he regretted beating the shit out of Encyclopedia and will make restitution by joining the Peace Corps.”

And as long as we’re performing this Kitchen Cabinet meeting in the Office of the Mayor with the Official Seal of the City of Milford behind Mr. Ballard  displayed yesterday, I  might as well compliment the janitor who managed to mount “Still Life at Mudlark Lake” on the wall behind Hadley Venom. Raphael must have taken hours with the watercolors to paint all the wildlife and whatnot in 16th-century Milford.

P2-“Sorry, Mr. Ballard, I applied too much Vidal Sassoon this morning on my white streak. The flies are attracted to the foam. My dad uses some on his head and face to keep his eyebrows from falling off. Now about that Writ of Mandamus.”

 

At the Milford Marriott one day

KLLLLLLUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK

“OMIGODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone fell from the 15th floor and crushed my hamstrings!!!!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey at Sharkey Law Office. When you’re on the go and someone chases poor defenseless Bugs Bunny on a high rise because he was jealous of Bugs’ carrot intake and subsequently smashes your windshield, you need legal help to cover the cost of the resulting damages. Let’s face it, there’s no way you can return to work and tape gun packages and send them down the line to load on the truck when you’re missing your ankles. You need compensation and you need it fast.”

“I understand he ran an insurance agency in the ground because of poor decisions such as this one. He needed to keep his finger in his mouth but when Bugs Bunny asked Mr. Ballard about a Homeowners Policy, Mr. Ballard forgot to step back inside the room. Talking about Crab Grass Coverage got the better of him. But The Shark made him pay. Thanks, Shark, I got a generous settlement and Mr. Ballard is banned from the second floor and up at Marriotts all over the country. He can’t even use the elevator.”

“You heard the man. Even insurance agents need to know where to float and when they don’t, the consequences are brutal. But find out for yourself. Use a Q-Tip instead of your ring finger and call 1-FON-THe-JAWS today to see if The Shark can help you get out of Tape Gun Hell and on to the road to financial compensation. One call, that’s all.”

 

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ballard Lands On O.J.’s VW Jetta After Falling From Mayor’s Office!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Next time, I’ll take the freeway. The dude ruined the chassis on the vehicle.”

 

And P3 is interesting

“My dad is here to make sure they’ll be no more more body snatchers coming out of New Thayer. You know how they breed in that town.”

Hadley Venus, I’ll be looking out for any plant pods with abnormal growths, particularly ones the size of a Lyft automobile. I’ll be bringing my scanner when I’m talking a walk around the football practice field. Can never be too careful.

 

“We’ll be back in a moment when Judge Wapner comes out of his chamber and renders a decision on Tiki Jansen vs. Topeka. I’m Doug Llewellyn for The People’s Court here in WDIG-TV.”

 

“Whew, all this finger-pointing back and forth and a few stuck in their tonsils makes me kinda thirsty, doesn’t it you? If you could use a cold one, head on down to Milford Beverage Warehouse when you’re through picking your teeth.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When you need to leave your attitude at the door and your fingers in your pocket and not in your dentures, The Warehouse will help you along with these bargain burners. How ’bout Cook’s Champagne at an unbelievable $5.99. Perfect when you’ve shaken hands and called a truce and said Tommy can attend Milford but will need a cane to walk the hallways so he doesn’t run into Ms. Rizk’s typewriter. Hey, this Bud’s for you,. Tommy, even if you are deaf, dumb, and blind.

How ’bout Jim Beam Black, straight from the barrels, at a ridiculous $18.99, chaser included? Let’s face it, when you take your finger out of your ass and fall several stories like that gorilla in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you need to be feelin’ no pain. Just give me the shot glass and La La Land, here I come.

And because we have gotten an OVERWHELMING response, The Warehouse has an exciting promo on tap. That’s right, if you can stand taller than Wink Martindale’s hair, the cardboard cut-out standing by the Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum rack at Register #2, you will get a free brewskie of Natural Light Ice plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a paid vacation for 2 to Milford Valley Vineyards B & B. Wow, I wish Mimi and I could go on our honeymoon again and take a tour of the farm, plus indulge in the activities in store for 3 days, including a wine-tasting orgy at dinner and riding the Wild Mouse through the Red Grape section of the farm.

And if you don’t quite measure up, not to worry. If you can stand taller than the Willy Wonka midget cut-out posing next to Wink, you will get a free shot of Heaven Hill Vodka and a bag of Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a tour of Milford Brewery. That also sounds exciting. I can take the kids to that one. I’d love for Keri and Jaime to learn how Seagram’s 7 Crown Whiskey is made, from the barley weed straight to the bottle. And them drink it legally? I’m just as good as the ticket in the hat.

Now I’ve heard a few pricks complain about the unfairness of the contest. It’s not their fault they couldn’t surpass Wink’s scalp, dandruff included. All I can say is that’s why you needed to eat your vegetables growing up when you were slurping your Bud. It wasn’t going to kill you to scrape up the last bit of fried okra when you were washing it down with a Miller Genuine Draft. Look what it did to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The man’s a Hall-of-Famer. ’nuff said.

“Head on down for all the fun and get some great deals while you’re at it. Standing next to Wink with your 18-Pack of Coors in a selfie? Sounds like a winner to me. Get your slice of The Good Life and Wink’s persona and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. Excuswe me, I gotta go. I have to go to Judge Judy and see whether I have to pay the damages on Gil’s hair. I swear, I thought it was a wasp’s nest. i wouldn’t have used so much Raid.

“…my decision goes to Tiki Jansen.”

“Well, congratulations, Tiki? What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to use that $4,674,693,034 that The Shark got for me and buy some new cleats. My other ones have holes in them. Milford Athletic Foot Emporium is running a sale this week. Excuse me, gotta cut out before they close.”

“No problem, Tiki. Well, that wraps another edition of The People’s Court. This is Doug Llewellyn reminding you, that if you have you have smelly fingers because you are up in arms about what your neighbor did to your lawn mower, for gosh sakes, don’t take matters in your own hands and use your riding mower to shave off his beard. Take it to court.”

6 Comments »

  1. “An informal meeting with a few school board members…”

    But not a quorum, certainly? Because that would be wrong. Even by the iffy ethical standards of a Chicago lawyer.

    Comment by jvwalt — August 8, 2019 @ 12:58 pm

  2. Ah, just let him enroll and then escort him out of the school on the first day of class with the excuse that “the Board has reconsidered and reversed their decision”. HvB will be long gone, and I doubt that Ed could really GAF about this either.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 8, 2019 @ 2:11 pm

  3. If it was merely about safety kids from Chicago’s south side Englewood neighborhood would all go to north suburban New Trier HS right Haxley? You’re a lawyer from Chicago so you can get that done too, right?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 8, 2019 @ 5:11 pm

  4. Ugh… again with the eyeglass gesturing. You’d think Hadley might have gone to the trouble to print out copies for the folks attending this ‘informal session’. Everyone gathered around the laptop is a bad look

    Comment by timbuys — August 8, 2019 @ 6:21 pm

  5. Gang, be patient, I’ll get to you ASAP. I just wanted to slip a quick note to Tim to say THANK YOU for your encouragement. I saw your comment after I’d left the computer and wasn’t able to get back to it and my mobile device is pulling a Gil on me. But THANK YOU again. You da Man. As always.
    Treat the dude with respect, Gang. He’s earned it.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 8, 2019 @ 7:56 pm

  6. […] I went Before Chet Ballard And his puppets On the School Board And I showed them Bolek’s film clip But Chet Ballard wasn’t […]

    Pingback by Not Janet’s Diner Again!?! | This Week in Milford — August 14, 2019 @ 11:24 am


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