This Week in Milford

August 15, 2019

The UPS Driver Will Not Deliver Packages To Tiki’s Cave. Miss Hathaway Held Serve On That One.

Filed under: Hadley V. Baxendale, Milford Alumni, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 6:03 am

 

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Gang, as several others as mentioned, it is preeettttyyyyy far-fetched that the Milford School Board is the only school board in America or, come to think of it, THE PLANET, which is dim-witted several times over to walk into a room that resembled your State Representative’s office and negotiate with a shrewd but still a bit-wet-behind-the ears lawyer, her dad who obviously really should have been leading the legal team but was incapacitated because it took a while for the Chem-Lawn to settle on his head and it’s hard to argue a case when you experience discomfort mutating from Lou Grant to Mr. Kravits and an Archie Andrews who was sleeping in his jalopy because Jughead Jones hadn’t cleaned out his garage yet without SOME kind of legal representation of its own.

Thorpiverse obviously thinks the rest of society is stupid and that Mr. Brady will let Alice the Maid argue with Hadley Venom over the whereabouts of Greg Brady. Alice, I know when I send you to the lions in the Milford Colosseum, victory is assured. Just use your broom if they get a little hostile; oh, and run the vacuum for any feline droppings. We don’t want to leave a mess.

Greg will have to reattend kindergarten. He will have to have lunch money this time, the days of Milford School vouchers are over. He’ll have to buy his own Twinkies and cafeteria meat loaf; can’t sneak lasagna from Garfield’s tray, he’s been warned about that several times. No Canadian coins in the Minute Maid machine.

But he can stay with the Cleavers. He can have Wally’s bed in the basement. And he can use Darren Stephens’ bar in Mr.Stephens’ house across the street. Just stay away from the Dewar’s Premium Label. That’s non-negotiable. Larry Tate can be a pain in the butt, especially over The Bucket ad campaign he’s been promoting lately. But Tiki can have the Lowenbrau in the fridge as long as he’s accompanied by an adult (since he’s a minor) and doesn’t drink more than 2. Save some for Samantha.

Oh, he’ll have to help Beaver with his paper route. 1,547 customers is a lot of papers to deliver and Beaver’s gotta make it to school on time.

Anything else, Alice? I understand Mel’s Diner has fish and chips to die for and I’m starving. No, Greg, no French silk pie. It gives you acid reflux, remember?

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Admits To Damages Due To Vandalism At Milford High School In Plea Bargain With School Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Yeah, I’m the one who set off the firecrackers under the bleachers at the girls gym but I ain’t no Unabomber. Cochrane told the Board comin’ clean on the TNT in the faculty bathroom was non-negotiable.”

 

“Is that the Orlons you’re playing? Man, I’m feelin’ the heat. Wahhhhhhh, wah wah wah-tusi, See’mon and take a channnccceee and get-a with this dance…”

“No, actually that’s Chubby Checker. He had that voice-change surgery, remember? Watch it, your tie is going to knock over that King James I lamp on the coffee table. Just wah-wah-tusi over by the humidifier.”

 

As I’m still getting over the shock of Lurch in a flannel shirt eating his pumpkin pie in Mel’s Diner (Janet’s Diner is apropos too, Teenchy-ha) , what in the name of New Thayer does Chet Atkins mean “District Mail”? Okay, I’m going to surmise that all literature pertaining to Milford High School THAT GOES TO TIKI is going to be forwarded to the Flemings’ address. But is it too much to ask to SAY THAT? District Mail? What’s he going to receive? A newsletter? Pin-Up-Of-The-Month? Better get out that bikini, Ms. Rizk, Tiki’s gettin’ hot and heavy. Beer ads? Oh, the possibilities.

“And if you bring your student ID this Saturday, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free six-pack of Sprite with an adult purchase of the adult’s favorite gin & tonic. Student will get carded and must have adult present simultaneously. Sorry, no mix and matches.”

You drive a hard bargain, Hadley V.

 

“…and Greg will have to visit the same dentist that Beaver visits. And only toothpaste with Tartar Control and Fluoride. And it’s an In-School Suspension if Greg is caught with Ward Cleaver’s BVD’s. Or even Ward’s jazz record collection, including Duke Jordan’s ‘Flight to Denmark’. Ward still bawls his eyes out over ‘Glad I Met Pat.’ I won’t have some punk kid raining on Ward’s parade.”

 

If ya gotta put down one-a yore Rote-wylers cuz he’s got too many ticks and fleas and causes bed sores in the chair-backs in the meetin’ room not ta mention a mild case-a Bubonic Plague he picked up lickin’ Alpo Chicken off-a the cafeteria plate at Mel’s Diner as a condition ta enroll yore in-bred son in 3rd grade AGAIN, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and Greg will actually have to play a sport in this strip that’s supposed to be talking about sports, not some bitchy pissy-faced female attorney and her dad and his radioactive head, hair with a shelf-life of 100 years wandering the Appalachian Trail and landing on Park Place. People thought this was Apartment 3-G until I had to set’ em straight when I was selling them on a Farm Implement Policy. And he can only use Breeze towels to wipe his butt, the ones Porter Waggoner used when he was takin’ a shit between sets…”

 

Come on Baby

Let’s do The Twist

Come on Mimi

Let’s do The Twist

Ohhhhh, Dr. Pearl

It goes like this

 

Round and round and round we go

 

“Honey, you’re gonna punch the glass of that picture of Mt. Etna.”

“Darling, I thought that was Jackson Pollack’s watercolor of the State of Maine.”

“No, I hung that in the den, over the fireplace. It had more of an intimacy. It was a conversation piece in case the neighbors came over and we’d run out of things to say before dinner.”

 

“…and Greg cannot hang around Eddie Munster anymore. People are beginning to talk. They traced the robbery of the Milford 7-11 to Grandpa Munster. Says he got $72 out of the drawer and some coins but the Milford Police couldn’t prove anything. And he can only eat Mott’s Applesauce, Del Monte canisters are a thing of the past. The School Board’s on a budget…”

Tim, My Man, thanks for covering for me on Tuesday. I gotta lug this heart monitor around for 3 months (ha) so your tag team effort was a huge shot in the arm. It’s kinda like dragging around this non-athletic plot with no light at the end of the tunnel snoozing in a sleeping bag by the Milford City Dump, well, you get the idea.

 

“I can’t help it, Dear, I’ve always liked dancing to ‘Purple Onions’ by Booker T & the M.G.’s. Willie Weeks plays a mean bass on that tune.”

“Ed, I think it’s ‘Green Onions’ and Donald ‘Duck’ Dunn played the bass.”

“Whatever. It’s been a long day. You should have seen her handle that School Board like Jon McLaughlin whirling his fingers on ‘Dizzy Atmosphere’ accompanied by Duke and Bird and miss your Maxwell House cup by a mile.”

 

I’m still in shock over “District Mail.” Let me see if we’re on the same page, Thorpiverse

“…and if Greg Brady is going to send news about dog-breeding Lassie, he has to specify ‘dog’ in his ad. There were too many complaints about the nature of the ad. People thought he was soliciting porn news. I know he wants puppies, but one person thought he was illicitly advertising Dumbo the Elephant.”

 

Are those actually WINDOWS we’re seeing in Ed’s house? I was so caught in his worst possible imitation of Tony Manero trippin’ the light fantastic to “Disco Inferno” that I overlooked the Brubaker models. Talk about reform. No more Zeus-sent-a-lightning-bolt-worth-100,000-volts-up-Hercules-duodenum-because-he-angered-Hera-when-Hercules-refused-to-take-out-the-garbage-because-it-was-Poseidon’s-week. We can se the Milford skyline for once. Brubaker musta got some heads rollin’ off the Milford School Board. What happens when you got backbone. Windows rooted in reality become a dream come true.

“…Greg Brady and Eddie Haskell must write “I will not throw 2% milk cartons at the prairie-style windows” 1000 times and as far as I’m concerned, we’re square on his reinstatement. I still have to talk with The Skipper but rumors are floating around the lagoon that he thinks that’s a fair punishment…”

 

“Golly, Beaver, you dope. When Dad finds out you spilled a Bucket Banana Split all over Mr. Ballard’s Lucky Charms suit, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

 

TALK TO THE KIDS????????? What in tarnation is he talking about? All I’ve seen is his dining at Mel’s Diner when he’s not ordering the Big Breakfast (4 flapjacks, scrambled eggs, 55 sausage patties, 13 hash browns, gallon of orange juice, bowl of Chocolate Cream of Wheat, saucer of Uncle Ben’s Brown Rice in a saucer, Aunt Jemima Lo-Cal Syrup packets extra) at Denny’s or a chess board full of bowls of Lord-knows-what, we don’t know because Thorpiverse won’t open the damn things, the Baxendales are too busy arguing with Jaquan over his NBA career (Fried squid? Turnips on a shish kabob, over easy? Bucket o’ San Francisco-style Vanilla Mousse?) . Don’t tell me he’s going down to the Milford Boys Club.

“Yup, kiddos, we really whooped their asses. A good lesson to learn about life. If you set your mind to any goal and you have the right attitude, you can do it. My daughter is living proof.”

“Mr. Baxendale, wanna play air hockey with me?”

 

Ned, trust me, I fell out of my chair when I saw “The Sprinkler”. I had ideas flowing all morning long, even after my surgery (ha) , but I just let that one stand by itself. That was HILARIOUS. And the truth. A dangerous combo, My Friend.

 

“Did your loved one get ambushed by Indians and you’re not sure who to trust to be assured of a decent burial? Hi, this is Dr. Pearl here with Milford Funeral Solutions. When my first husband was involved in a massacre at Fort Sackville, George Rogers Clark had too much on his mind to be caught up in the affairs of the Pottawato

mies. My first husband just simply didn’t know about trade negotiations and next thing you know, he’s burning at the stake. Didn’t accept enough blankets from the tribe, I heard.

I had to act fast. His skeletal remains would be hangin’ on the tulip tree, Indiana’s state tree, were it not for the kind compassion shown by the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They showed me how they placed a sword over his body, while lying in state, all while embalming him with all kinds of ointments and creams. I only grabbed the yuk bucket twice and the breakfast buffet at Shoney’s was out of the question for me after the service but otherwise they showed why they were voted by Milford Today as the #1 funeral service in our fair city.

They had a chaplain in ASAP to officiate the service, not some student fresh from the Baptist Seminary in Dallas. I wasn’t about to let some Presbyterian Seminary brat majoring in Theology and Nicomachean Ethics lead the doxology nor the singing on songs like “Softly and Tenderly” or “Just As I Am.” The good people at Milford Funeral Solutions told me they only hired people with qualifications like George Beverly Shea to perform the service, including the closing prayer. Would you want Fred Flintstone to be uttering “In Jesus’ Name” at your father’s funeral? I thought not. My husband froze his ass off in the Wabash River one too many times to let Barney Rubble sing “Victory in Jesus” in the Special Music portion of the service.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today if someone in your family has died and you’d rather not leave him or her on the dining room table. I know I didn’t want to add new meaning to the song ‘On The Banks of the Wabash.’ My husband crossed the Rubicon and has never looked back. One day, I’ll join him, thanks to Milford Funeral Solutions, now accepting, BTW, American Express. One more amenity on the Stairway to Heaven.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Y’know, if Ed Baxendale would use shampoo more often, I bet that carpet-in-disguise he dons on his head wouldn’t itch so bad.

 

“…and Greg Brady will have to come to the altar at the Billy Graham Crusade later this month at the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater and make a profession of faith in Jesus and this time he can’t surrender to Muhammad as God’s Prophet the last time Mr. Graham came to town…”

 

 

“Yoouuuuuu rang?”

“Yeah, get in the car. Me and Morticia are going down to The Bucket. It’s half off  Bucket Fried Spider Legs night and I know how you eat ’em by the plateful.”

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7 Comments »

  1. So what now? Because Hadley showed what a bad-ass she is in a situation, which has already pointed out, that would never exist anywhere, Ed the Boozer gives his blessing to these two goof-balls and we have to suffer through several more months of a wedding story with Gil as best man and Mimi as Matron of Honor?

    Comment by franku2016 — August 15, 2019 @ 7:18 am

  2. Why is Ed doing The Sprinkler?

    Comment by nedryerson — August 15, 2019 @ 8:11 am

  3. Everything is wrong about how Hadley is holding her smartphone in p1.

    Comment by jvwalt — August 15, 2019 @ 8:24 am

  4. P4….”I did learn something. Hadley is such a damn good lawyer, that she doesn’t need to wet-nurse that idiot, Jaquan, and should dump his ass, asap”

    Comment by franku2016 — August 15, 2019 @ 9:50 am

  5. I’m sure the Fleming’s will be inundated with letters from the safe space colleges requesting Tiki’s services.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 15, 2019 @ 11:01 am

  6. “I’ll tell the kids tonight…” Whaddaya’ bet Ed has realized that you can have a fake address in one place yet work (or go to school) in another after this whole Hadley scam and give “the kids” his approval on their different address setup

    Comment by franku2016 — August 15, 2019 @ 2:07 pm

  7. “…You drive a hard bargain, but ok…”. Wait until some pissed-off parent or kid squeals on this dipshit. Does Tiki really think that if he starts over a kid who busted his ass to become a starter, only to lose his spot to a player who is attending the school fraudulently, that it’s going to be shrugged off? That kid or his parents will raise holy-heck until school board members, Gil, and Tiki are removed and forced to answer to this. Too risky and Ed and HvB are just plain shitty lawyers.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 16, 2019 @ 1:28 pm


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