This Week in Milford

August 27, 2019

P4:” You Wade In The Kiddie Pool Of Journalism And Your Mother Drives A Pickle Wagon.”

Filed under: exposition comics, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 2:44 am

082719

There I feel better.

Oh, yeah, that’s right, we’re talking Gil and Marty. Well, shut my mouth with some crumbs of corn pone that fell off the table at the First Annual Mudlark Kick-off Tailgate Luncheon that’s been alternating with football practice that’s been going on for about 2 weeks. Marty is back.

I could maybe understand Marty not participating in the festivities, given Marty’s propensity to not sleep with the enemy. Marty indulging in a sloppy joe while stabbing Gil in the back with a butcher knife just seems out of place, even by Marty standards. Gobble that Steak ‘n’ Shake Sirloin Cheeseburger With a Side Order of Cheese Fries, washing it down with an icy-cold Mudlar-K-Cola Pepper Pop (to avoid copyright issues with Dr. Pepper, you understand) , then quoting that Gil’s secondary eats jelly beans just might make Marty a little too sleazy. Which probably explains why Mr. Moon showed up after Sam Finn got carted off in the pickle wagon.

I can see that.

“Well, looks like they’re done pumping Finn. What the Hell did he eat? Is that bagel and lox I see on the ground? What kind of a tailgate luncheon are we running around here? Spinach Quicheburgers? In this heat? Time to spring into action.”

Enter Marty.

Post-tailgate fellowships will never be the same.

 

Cheryl Fox, you represent America. While interviewing for disabilty yesterday, you very patient, knowledgable, and professional. Hailing from Cincinnati, Ohio and as a service representative for Humana, you love your job and you love helping other people. And you do it with a smile. Many people could learn from Cheryl’s example about what it takes to make America great. Many times, you gotta put your nose to the grindstone, which you’ve done as a bus driver for several years or as a keen phone service representaive with a lot of savvy, backed by an understanding of human nature. Gang, if you see her, treat her with respect. I salute you, Cheryl. We need more like you.

 

Really, I was just making an off-hand joke, not really intending to go anywhere with it. Doesn’t THAT sound like a familiar theme in Thorpiverse.

But with all the blockin’ and tacklin’ and munchin’ and crunchin’ and faintin’ and caterwaulin’ and threatenin’ law suits, this is a sudden turn of events that’s gotten me a tad suspicious.

Did Marty sneak out from under the tackling dummy when they were done with a slightly-ill-advised picnic? What was he hoping to find? Kids weren’t eating their vegetables? Gil wasn’t using a fork when scooping the macaroni salad? The coke canister exploded and they had to wipe off several uniforms with dish towels when they weren’t calling 9-1-1 about the casualties?

“Nothing major. Everybody go back to their seats and enjoy the chicken nuggets. The ambulance just made its last trip. The EMT said most of ’em should be OK.”

 

If Marty is to dig up any dung, he’ll do it as a GI Joe Action figure as in P1. He and Gil are engaged in mortal combat, well, at least in a war of wits. This is an annual event us Thorpiverse fans relish every year. Just kick back in the Broyhill recliner, put the popcorn on the TV tray, pop the VCR with the remote, and enjoy. Hey, your VCR is another TV, right? Or so the VCR instruction manual says when you first set it up? Then it’s like watching a Rambo doll kick-boxing with The Riddler doll through not one but TWO TV’S!!!!!!!!!!!!! In front of the Land of the Gigantic Offensive Linemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Entertainment at its finest. To think, some of you were going to the Milford Majestic on 1/2 Price Seating Night to go watch “Puking from Too Much Mustard on the Planet of the Apes!!!!!!”.

 

Because the amphitheater I pass every night might want to consider updating its matrix board after seeing Death Cab for Cutie scheduled for July 7th, much as I like the group

 

Today’ headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Suing Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Concerning Slim Whitman’s ‘Night Of Memories In England’ Tour!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I had no idea the dude was dead; I’m lettin’ Cochrane handle the refund application procedure. I’m willin’ to settle out-of-court.”

 

While I’m letting my stomach settle from the Beans ‘n’ Cornbread Fellowship sponsored by the Milford Football Parents Booster Club (dues are only $25 every year, free food and an 8 x 11 portrait of Gil in the raw, suitable for framing) , I’m a little perplexed.

What does he mean by battling at a few positions? I guess there’s not much competition at long snapper, not that I’m expecting kids meeting out in the parking lot after practice, duking it out for the guts and the glory of this particular sentry post.

And some of you think Gil might have quarterback on his mind when discussing the battles where there ARE battles at some of the spots. Ahhhhh, careful. One year, a couple of quarterbacks went down and they had to resort to Milford High’s chess champion who also had a serious heart condition, Darren McBride. So as long as Gil is speaking in vague generalities, you’ll just have to use your imagination. Now the silver lining in the black cloud of Gil’s laying bare his ambiguities with Marty is that I think Gil has the players ON THE FIELD in mind when talking up the lack of competition at certain spots. I can say without fear of contradiction that the water boy’s job is safe for another year. And Rick Scott will not have to look over his shoulder for any comers who dare amble from the parking lot with a medical bag in hand. Rick can breathe easier and buy another pair of jeans. He’s got the job security, what the hay?

 

And do I dare say it? Gals, you better clutch your boyfriend if he’s nearby. Everybody else grab the nearest bleacher or lawn chair, if you have one handy.

 

Marty has a point.

OMIGOD, THE SKY IS FALLING, QUICK, COVER THE SALISBURY STEAK, USE THAT REYNOLDS FOIL TO PROTECT THE AMISH POTAT-

Usually, when Marty comes to call AT ANY TIME, particularly in the Fall, it’s not good news. His rapier wit just grates our nerves and you want to dump the bowl of 3 bean salad on his head. If the team is looking at an awful year because the entire defensive line graduated and went to Milford Vocational & Technical Institute to major in Bowling Pinspotting Mechanics, Marty is sure to be the resident buzzard and feed off the roadkill. Nothing like sticking a few more ginsu knives in Gil’s already-stale Swedish meatballs.

This time, Marty is hard-hitting but within the parameters, only asking what is becoming somewhat obvious. It didn’t help Gil that the ambulance drove away with a casualty and depleted his roster even more. Marty has artillery.

It’s just that Marty might have to turn in his WDIG certification if he continues to practice journalism ethics while negotiating with his nemesis. And speaking of nemesis, is it really necessary to portray Gil as the second cousin of Dr. No? We’re still recovering from Marty’s reform movement. One day at a time.

 

If ya gotta go to the hospital cuz ya swallow’d the whole durn Betty Crocker Dutch Choklit cake and washed it down with a case of Bud at the Milford Foundry 167th Annual Company Picnic and the EMT’s gotta have 23 yuk buckets to pump ya in the ambulance on th’ way ta Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

 

Ooooooookkkkkkk, time to bring sanity to this God-forsaken-plot-in-the-making. Gene Rayburn is back with a vengeance. Take the stage, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought the 385th Annual Mudlark Chew-and-Grind Pre-Pigskin Picnic was held on ____________.”

 

Come to think of it, Waylon Jenning’s grandson interviewing Dr. No’s illigetimate child might be a deadly combination for a potential plot in football. It’s getting off on the right foot in P2, give it a chance.

In the interim, Gil is enjoying a Foghorn Leghorn Moment in P3, leastwise, it’s hard to imagine Gil directing that comment at Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing over by the Boston Baked Beans tray. Even if they and the rest of the Friends cast enjoy food, football, and fellowship, that doesn’t make them shallow. Gotta stick it on Marty, Foghorn. Do not waste a funny on a show that is hilarious and often makes fun of what is serious in Thorpiverse.

Even if it was a cheap laugh. Hey, it got a chuckle out of me. I choked on my cole slaw.

 

RRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH

BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

UUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPCCCCCCCHHHHHHUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK

“No question, I was a hurt puppy that day. The Milford IGA had smuggled in kangaroo meat from Australia and tried to sell it to the Mudlark Football Parents Booster Club as Big Mac’s. Luckily, one of the split ends fighting another split end for his job and his turkey giblets saw the label on the ground and got the truth.”

“Hi, this is The Shark with Joe Sharkey Law Offices. I couldn’t believe my ears when Sam Finn told me he had devoured the whole plate of burgers illegally imported on the Mayflower and took a detour following Magellan’s route to finally deliver unrefrigerated kangaroo meat, having trekked several twists and turns and neap tides from the Brisbane slaughterhouse to Mudlark Practice Field property. They could have at least gone half on the duty.

What added insult to injury was Mr. Finn then had to run the steps at the stadium. Going up and down the steps with a dead cow strapped on you as a dead weight might make you faster but in the humidity he was exposed to, he was a sitting duck for bursitis, malaria, whooping cough, turf toe, hepatitis, and athlete’foot.”

“I got a check from Milford IGA for 6.03 × 10v23 dollars. I remember the amount because I memorized Avogadro’s Number when Ms. Rizk was getting boring. I can save up for college and I was able to pay for the Pepto-Bismol 100-pak at Milford Emergency Clinic. And I can afford limo service to practice, Mom doesn’t have to rush from work at the Milford Toyota Plant to take me to practice. Thanks, Shark.”

“There you have it. If you ate the wrong salad and the soy milk tasted a little funny, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get piece of mind when you get food poisoning from rigatoni. Insurance companies are working to protect their ass from paying out claims from an idle piece of carrot cake and keeping the food industry in the clear. Fight back with an attorney who knows his way around the block when fighting company picnic suppliers. One call, that’s all.”

Go for it, Gang. I gotta go to the Milford Clinic and get treated for trauma. Mixing Marty and decency was like adding water to acid. Add acid to water if ya don’t wanna splatter.

 

“So ya think McBride can settle the issue at QB after he’s taken a couple of Rolaids?”

“These inane questions are testing my patience, Mr. Bond. I can insert a Sun Yat-Sen flunky at the position in my quest for world domination.”

 

 

On a Rolaids commercial

“Gil, how do you spell ‘relief’?”

“R-O-L-L-U-P-T-H-E-D-I-N-N-E-R-R-O-L-L-S.”

 

 

8 Comments »

  1. Shorter Gil/Marty dynamic:

    Marty: Admit it, you’ve got another bad team this year.
    Gil: So? At least I’m not you.

    Comment by nedryerson — August 27, 2019 @ 6:24 am

  2. It’s too bad Marty has been reduced to “occasional comic foil for Gil’s unfunny quips” because I could use me a nice storyline about Marty going on a wrongheaded crusade.

    Comment by John S. Walters — August 27, 2019 @ 7:16 am

  3. Marty on the warpath would be fun, John S. Walters, I very much agree. Instead we get Gil dropping a C- burn on him from time to time like in today’s strip.

    Comment by billytheskink — August 27, 2019 @ 7:34 am

  4. P4 Marty says,”You mean like the shallow grave you buried your kids in?”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 27, 2019 @ 8:24 am

  5. @nedryerson – agree…Gil cut right to the chase for once instead of letting MM pepper him with condescending questions. Maybe Gil’s experiences with HvB over the summer taught him how to grow some balls and kick the ass before the ass kicks you.

    Comment by franku2016 — August 27, 2019 @ 9:11 am

  6. I could use me a nice storyline about Marty going on a wrongheaded crusade

    Wrongheaded Crusade,
    The kind you find in a second hand store……

    Comment by Moon Mullins — August 27, 2019 @ 6:18 pm

  7. Say this for Marty, despite all of the boozing, he maintains a remarkably trim figure for a guy who mostly sits behind a desk during the day and crawls into a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label at the end of it.

    Having said that, yeah, Gil really mopped up the floor with him in this interview. I eagerly anticipate Marty’s comeback in tomorrow’s strip.

    Comment by timbuys — August 27, 2019 @ 8:03 pm

  8. Gang, you did awesome. Ripping the Foghorn Leghorn-Guard Dog relationship between the two sent this staid, threadbare tete-a-tete into the next planet.

    You TWIMers are what make it happen. Without you, Democracy is nothing.

    I enjoy reading you all and look forward to your input in the future. Free Speech needs you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 28, 2019 @ 7:07 pm


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