This Week in Milford

August 29, 2019

Not To Worry, Charlie. Gil’s Been New At This For 60 Years And Some Change.

Filed under: football, Pissy faced minor character, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 8:16 am

082919

Pitch and catch.

Pitch and catch.

Pitch and catch.

GREAT JOB, GREG. YOU’LL BE THE STARTING WIDE RECEIVER FOR THE MUDLARKS THIS YEAR. AND YOU’LL BE THE FIRST SEVENTH GRADER TO DO SO!!!!!!!!!!!!

GEE, THANKS, DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope, I know some of you with that mutant poplar in the background up your butt will say that that’s Mr. Brady spending quality time with Greg, aspirations of the former for the latter to grace your neighborhood NFL roster.

Actually, I was idealizing what small towns like Milford SHOULD be exemplifying but reality fumbled the snap.

Do we REALLY have to have step-fathers and divorced mothers grace what seems to be a running joke in terms of plots? Uncles and cousins and Dutch uncles and grandparents from the grave be the role model to satisfy their ambitions for the resident Mudlark athlete, pick a sport? Any sport?

Is Thorpiverse going to tell me that it skims through the Milford phone book and hasn’t run across an AVERAGE FAMILY with 2.3 children and a lawn you use the Snapper mower to eat the grass? Nobody walks in the door and says “Hi, Honey, I’m home!!!!!!!”

Now, according to Thorpiverse, that same breadwinner changed his approach

“Honey, where the Hell is Beaver? I’m going to make him a left guard like Jim Clack or Bob Kuechenberg. Shoot, he runs into that catalpa tree enough times, he’ll be able to block a Freightliner. Who knows, maybe he’ll be the next hog like Russ Grimm.”

“I think he went to the store. Darling, I appreciate you’re wanting to work with him but don’t you think Ward ought to handle that? Beaver’s just your stepson.”

“Nonsense, Alice, Ward is still on probation. Can’t see his son for another month. Besides, Beaver’s gettin’ tougher. I’ll have him shovin’ one of my busses outta the way before the end of the month.”

“Ralph, you promised me he wouldn’t use the 18-seater as a blocking dummy.”

“The boy’s gotta learn sometime. He’ll be knockin’ Greyhounds on their kissers by the time he’s a senior.”

Penny Lane will never be the same.

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. You can pump the gas yourself OR they have friendly mechanics who will do it for you. Goodness, they were BUSY when I pulled up at a pump yesterday. When I came in to pay, there were people waiting on their cars that were being fixed. Man, THAT’s busy. Crystal is a friendly clerk who coordinates all that is buzzing around the place. The owner was patiently explaining to a customer the nature of the customer’s car’s problem. Gang, I think they got a lot going on. Take Exit 118 off of I-64 in Indiana and head south(Indiana 62 west) until you hit the first road LEFT. You can see the business from the freeway. Head in for a smiling face and fast service.

Support Small Business. You need someplace where everybody knows your name. They know mine.

 

So far, we are subjugated to a Beaver Cleaver whose Dad-for-the-duration-of-this-arc-or-season-whichever-ends-mercifully-first is Thurston Howell III and who is attempting to bunk Eddie Haskell at (fill in the blank even though running back would be the logical plot device-not much competition at medical knee wrapper) .

And that’s what adds insult to injury.

It’s just appalling that Thorpiverse didn’t check the latest Gallup polls to see if there was at any given flagstone house on the street where you live a life-size mother and life-size father, complete with a matching set of children. What was Thorpiverse thinking?

Really, do I want New Thayer or Oakwood to think that Gil has changed his tune and only accepts on the varsity sons who went through 3 dads because mom couldn’t handle the plot and was constantly seeking advice from Mary Worth because Buzz Sawyer was busy on a case in Tilden?

The tailback MUST be a son of an illegal immigrant who came over from Italy with Sancho and Venzetti and only escaped their fate because Gil staged football camp that week?

Normal kids need not apply.

 

Okay, granted the Gallup polls predicted that Dewey would defeat Truman. But that’s only because all the aliens and immigrants and divorcees and Democrats were at Gil’s two-a-days and couldn’t get to the polls in time. No way Gil was going to have open practice and let the Gallup worker in, not even to the concession stand for a hot dog and Slurpee.

“Name a position that is overworked in  Gil Thorp  Theater where players engage in Samurai wrestling for the honor-”

BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Split end!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ding!

“That’s the #8 answer. Brady’s whattya think?”

“Running back!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ding!

“That’s the #3 answer. Brady’s you have the option over the Cleavers-”

WE’LL PLAY

 

Oooooooookkkkkkk, you old-timers will surely recognize this tune and I’ll bet you whippersnappers will weigh in on this one as well, Blue Oyster Cult’s “Godzilla”

Should any of you desire to no longer be forced to use your imagination, either by blasting the damn song out of your Hitachi speakers in your car or listening on your headset while washing the dishes, and you are no longer satisfied with mental images but would crave to see an embodiment of the tune, look no further than P2.

With a purposeless grimace and a terrible arm

He brings the team down,and sprays great harm

Helpless people in the football stands

Scream, bug-eyed, “Fool, you got no hands”

He gets the hand-off and fumbles it down

The football wades through the bushes towards the center of town

 

Oh, no, they say he’s got to go

Go, go, GODZILLA

Oh, no, from Milford to Tokyo

Go, go, GODZILLA

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Godzilla Gets Off UFO With Elvis And Principal Ek And Trashes Milford; Several Buildings Severely Damaged!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl: ‘He ruined the petunias in my garden. They were just beginning to sprout. Thank God, he didn’t step on my watermelon patch’.”

 

I’ll say this: If Godzilla can outrun Gump or this sophomore mentioned in the strip, Godzilla might crack the starting lineup. It can happen.

“Name something you normally wouldn’t find in Gil’s hair-”

“Raid!!!!!!-”

UH UH

“A toothpick!!!!!!!!!!”

Ding ding ding ding

“All right, Marcia Brady, let’s see if y’all’s family can crack 200 points for the big money. Carol Brady done good, now it’s your turn. All right, name a name for a town Berrill would have used if he didn’t use Milford. Your mom said ‘Bedford Falls’. You answered ‘Rockville’. All righty, is there a ‘Rockville’?

Ding!

“Hey, you got 23 points!!!!!!!!!!! ‘Shakertown’ was the #1 answer…”

 

Well, looky here. Collinsport just got a make-over by Bob Vila. No wonder why Willie Loomis is reluctant to call Chet Baker ‘Dad’. I’d be scared as Hell too if I called him ‘Papa’ when my real dad awoke from his catnap in his coffin and was ready to practice a few snaps at midnight. Barnabas can rear those ugly fangs when I drop those cans of corn.

“No, really, I was just singing ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone’. NO, NO, Dad, NOT MY NECK AGAIN…”

 

And I’m assuming that’s a continuity error in P3 because Godzilla a/k/a Willie Loomis a/k/a Charlie Chan’s stepson is throwing with his right hand in P2 and throwing with his left in P3 unless he’s doing the Charleston. I guess anything to overcome the Yellow Peril. I know that a few teammates might be threatened by cheap Chinese labor on the football team but this is ridiculous.

 

“Are you down and out because you’re having trouble adjusting to all the step relatives under one roof? Do you have to move that pool table in the garage to accommodate your step-brother’s Fruit-of-the-Loom collection? Had to use cheap Chinese jumper cables because the Sears Die-Hard cables are being used as a bungee cord for the step-kids? No wonder why there’s a Yellow Peril in Milford.

Hi, I’m Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. We might not have all the answers but we sure as Heck can ease the strain along the way. This week is Escape to Ward Cleaver’s Home Week. For every purchase of Four Freedoms Vodka, you can enter for our drawing for a chance to win a trip to the Cleaver’s household. That’s right, you and your family can win a 3-night, 4-day, all-expense-paid trip to the land where the Cleavers once called El Dorado. Wouldn’t it be nice to be served from same dinner tray June Cleaver used to serve homemade brownies on? Scrumptious meals with REAL mashed potatoes and gravy, not that Cream of Wheat and lard they serve at Denny’s or the Milford Truck Stop. Meat that actually comes from a cow, not imported on some flunky’s pickup from Milford Ostrich Farm. I don’t know about you but I like to know my ground round isn’t a dead buffalo they found killed from natural causes at Milford Fish & Wildlife Area.

And you can take a tour of the place, amazed at places like Beaver used to brush his teeth or where Wally played Monopoly with Eddie and Lumpy. And you can sleep in the same bed where June and Ward used to sleep. Because the producers wanted to keep it Christian, the beds are separate. Combining beds to foster intimacy will incur a small fee.

And I’m told that if you persist, the tour guide will show you where Ward kept his box of Penthouses in the basement. Fortunately, Beaver and Wally didn’t know the combination so they wouldn’t learn the truth. June’s pin-up is preserved for another day.

Don’t that sound exciting? Then come on in and get a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy 12-pack for an eye-popping $12.99 or Busch Light 30-pack for $19.99, and with a Manufacturer’s Coupon of $2.00, you can knock it down, well, you do the math.

And a chance to sleep in the Land of Oz? By God, that’s one rainbow I bet I’ll catch. Come on in for your own rainbows and tell ’em Ward and Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Go at it, Gang. Geez, playing pitch and catch with Barnabas couldn’t be more fun but has he been to Milford Dental Worx lately?

 

“…you answered ‘toothpick’. Survey said…

Ding!

…aw, too bad only 4 points. Aw, now chill, Marcia, you’re still in the running. ‘Rust-oleum’ was the #1 answer…”

 

Oh, no, they say he just can’t throw

So go, Godzilla

Into Mudlark Lake goes Tokyo

Go, go, Godzilla

 

History shows when time stands still

How football coughs up the Folly of Gil

GODZILLA

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9 Comments »

  1. Chet? Hmmmmmm.

    Comment by nedryerson — August 29, 2019 @ 8:43 am

  2. Another kid with a douchey lookin’ haircut, and this time, he’s playin’ catch with a Nerf football with a goateed Barney Fife

    Comment by franku2016 — August 29, 2019 @ 9:27 am

  3. Stepdad: “You have to figure into Coach Thorp’s plans”.
    Charlie: “Your statement presupposes that Coach Thorp has a plan”.

    Comment by Philip — August 29, 2019 @ 11:37 am

  4. A sophomore and a junior. Wow Gil, they’re young. I suppose most of the seniors were run off by your BS. Hoping for more bullies at surrounding schools to chase off some safe spacers?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 29, 2019 @ 12:34 pm

  5. P4: “…my stepsister calls me “daddy”….does that count for anything?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — August 29, 2019 @ 2:14 pm

  6. In Mfnrd, a goatee almost always designates an asshole, usually a dangerous one. Marty is a prominent if mild example. I hereby predict that Chet will quickly out himself. As usual, I agree with tdrew, this time about the unrealistic preponderance of disrupted families in Mfnrd. This is how Whigrub tackles (get it?) Hard Hitting Stories of Today’s Youth, Torn from the Headlines. It’s still better than the disrupted family stories we got in the Jerry Jenkins era. Maybe billy can tell the details of the mournful bearded father telling his son that he’s involved with Another Woman. Would have been probably 1990 at the latest. Genuine swill, less because of the story than the sanctimony with which it was presented.

    Comment by vaganova — August 29, 2019 @ 3:20 pm

  7. In today’s action, Chet whines like a bitch about how the kid won’t call him ‘dad’ but doesn’t realize it’s only because he was a dick-less wonder when Hadley V. Baxendale made a monkey out of him without hardly even trying. He thinks Charlie should be kickin’ some ass with all that speed, but he didn’t set much of an example about how to win your spot when H-Vee-B came at him with so many idiotic arguments that he didn’t fight, and that he let her basically get away with unobstructed school district fraud. What he should hear is “…fuck you, Chet….thanks to you bein’ a punk, that asshole Tiki is on the team and takin’ reps from me and my teammates, who actually live here….thanks again….”

    Comment by franku2016 — August 30, 2019 @ 2:13 pm

  8. Well said, Frank. That air of New Thayer presumptuousness combined with Big City Lawyer bigfooting the local school board has to rub a lot of folks the wrong way.

    Comment by TimP — August 30, 2019 @ 2:42 pm

  9. […] here, do we? Chance just happens to be the player who will take the starting spot from Charlie Roh, who is Chet Ballard’s stepson. What we know about Chet Ballard is that he just seems like one of those Milford dicks. He’s […]

    Pingback by Leave It To Chance | This Week in Milford — September 9, 2019 @ 6:00 am


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