This Week in Milford

September 5, 2019

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fumbling.

Filed under: actual action, Coach Shaw, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 10:55 am

090519

Ruh Roh. Me and Scooby Doo and the rest of the TWIMers are hangin’ on the edge of our seats with that one phrase I get a sick-gut feeling is going to be the anthem sung the next few months. It might attain cliche status when it is all said and done but Gil is one giant cliche, so we’re not alone. Share the banality, Man.

And where else do you start but with Marty Moon? I will faint the day Dick Vitale shows up in the WDIG booth along with Mike Patrick to perform his schtick in front of Mudlark students fresh from burning Beatle records (Just because Lennon said “We’re bigger than Coach Thorp”?) and French Revolution activities (Vive Le Football Arc!!!!!!!!!!) .

And Marty is getting off on the right foot, his CBS NCAA College Basketball Tournament Draw not quite filled out on his laptop

“And Chance Macy scampers up the middle for a gain of about 4, second and 6-hmmmm, UCLA vs. Wofford? Nah, Bruins got too much talent-Wow!!!!!! What a hit Tiki leveled on that Oak-Acorn-Triplet-Nutcase tailback!!!!!!-geez, how ’bout North Carolina and Bucknell, I dunno, look what ol’ Bucky did to Kansas in the first round one year, gotta go with my gut and predict an upse-Fleming down on the ground after being speared in the crotch, the Oak-Acorn-Triplet-Nutcase is ejected, being escorted by the Milford Police and Coach Andrews-no way, St. Olaf’s ain’t gonna touch Duke even if they are hosting the first two gam-The trainer is down on the field, pulling down Fleming’s pants, it appears he forgot to stick his cup in when he was donning his jock strap-let’s see, Indiana and New Hampshire School of Architecture, hey, there’s parity in college basketball, any given da-THERE GOES MACY, HE’S ALL ALONE, THE 30, THE 20, THE 10, TOUCHDOWN, MILFORD-that’s a toss-up, Texas Tech and Brigham Young, if BYU’s center can shake off his knee injury…”

 

Gang, remember those old movies at around 11:00PM (“Where is Keri and Jaime, Gil?”) , where the Oriental family (Chinese, Burmese, Japanese, Korean, miscellaneous Far Eastern nationality) was using their martial arts (Karate, Kung Fu, Judo, etc.) for just about ANY reason? Mom hung the laundry on the line and Dad asked Mom how long before his Hanes dried, kick, kick, kick box, oh, about another hour, kick, punch, flip, dance on clothesline. That’s good, kick, punch, scratch his private area, I have that meeting with Coach Thorp this afternoon, he’s interviewing me for equipment manager, jab, swing, cobra position, no problem, I should have you ready along with your best pin-stripe suit, punch, kick, reverse kick on a booth at The Bucket.

Isn’t that really what this arc is, Chinese Dad died and is now kick-boxing with Jesus, replaced by Chet Ballard who still needs to learn a few moves to get the hang of this arc? No worries. I’m sure Charlie can show Chet, er, American Dad (“Dad” for short) the ropes on B Movie Martial Arts techniques.

Charlie, kick, box, SLAM, jab, poke, kick again, call me Dad, kick, punch, WHAP, slap, I will, once you take this pebble out of my hand, Chet, kick, punch, BAM, BOOM, slap, punch, Chet down on the ground in obvious pain, Dr. Pearl’s Model T policy in his hand

“Chet, you’re going to have to do better anticipating the cross kick. Shouldn’t have left your fly open.”

 

If yore return volley from some punk Oriental kid who just keeps harassin’ ya with kick, jab, punch, kick box is the tried-and-true load, lock, sight, aim, BLAM and the kid goes runnin’ home ta mamma with buckshot up his britches, ya might be a redneck.

 

What better way for Now-You-See-Him-Now-You-Don’t Shaw to return to the sidelines than P2 where he is contributing his two bits worth to Bruce Lee’s-Stepfather-Disguised-as-Don Everly-In-Obvious-Need-of-Dentu-Creme? I just love it when Coach Shaw can handle all the details so that Gil can get down to business and concentrate on the team. Without Coach Shaw and his Take-My-Quarterback-Please one-liners to fill in the gaps of the plot and move that and the chains on the sideline, the football team would still be at the 1-yard line. No sense in Gil trying to teach the 46 defense without help. Did you ever see Buddy Ryan without Henny Youngman? Rest my case.

Only, why is Gil shouting ACROSS the field? I thought your players were along the same sidelines with you unless the game’s a forfeit and we’re just scrimmaging and exchanging a few players to round out the roster at a couple of key positions. Unless Roh is engaged in warfare with Coach Andrews. Yeah, that’s it

Coach, kick, kick, box, slam helmet on Andrews’ head, your team sucks and belongs in a pasture with the rest of the cows, slap, kick, box, oh yeah?, punch, jab, swat, box, where does your coach style his hair, at The Spaghetti Factory?, kick, WHAP, flip, accidentally smack referee with judo chop for 15 yard penalty, well, at least I didn’t leave the team 30 years ago and try to start my own strip, without Thorpiverse, you’re worthless like your team, kick, jab, box, you’ll be stuck in 30 years, too, trust me, kick, box, punch, flip, fart,…

 

Everybody was Kung Fu fumbling

And the plot was kick-box bumbling

Even though Roh’s play was frightening

He fumbled with expert timing

 

And while we’re going the Oriental movie route, no Oriental movie, or foreign language film in general, is complete without the lip-synch track attempting to match the words of our Oriental actors and actresses. Gil Kai-Shek is no exception. You THINK he is saying

“Roh, check in for Chance!!!!!!!!!!”

But when Gil’s lips keep moving, you know he had to have said more than that, so here is Gil conveying what he REALLY said in his native Cantonese

“ROH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get your ass over here and quit bitchin’ at Andrews!!!!!!!!!! Geez Louise, you’re slower than Marty sippin’ bourbon at the Milford Lounge. Check in at the scorer’s table!!!!!!!! DUMBASS, it’s right over there where Tiki’s pickin’ his nose, THERE, OVER THERE, NO DIPSHIT, not by the cheerleaders, you’re gonna get a karate kick with their megaphone, YES OVER THERE, where Scott’s usin’ a surgical tool on the halfback’s hamstring!!!!!!!!!! NOW WAIT UNTIL THE REF SIGNALS YOU IN, STUPID!!!!!!!!!! We still gotta kick the extra point, oh, Jesus, Coach Shaw, I hope he doesn’t have this much trouble at the scorer’s table in basketball, the scorer speaks Mandarin…”

 

And the signage is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Us Thorpiverse veterans relish that placards at a football game carry the day and were practically the 12th man at the football games during the Berrill years.  I don’t know what the sign in the background is saying, I never studied Shanghainese at Milford Community College but I have my dictionary handy (Langenscheidt’s Shanghainese-English, English-Shanghainese, 3rd Edition, 25th Printing)

“Eat  my shorts, Coach Andrews!!!!!!!!!!!”

The lack of Chinese characters in Andrews’ name was a dead giveaway. The rest was all over but the shouting

“Roh will kick-box you lard butts back to Oakwood!!!!!!!!”

Fortunately, the declension for “Kick-box” was in the intro pages of the dictionary

“Coach Shaw and your team will disappear!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Goin’ for the gut. Couldn’t find the polite form of “Your”. Had to improvise.

“Your mother drives a rickshaw!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Boy, that’ll demoralize the competition

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with Match Game ’19, here to get the Cultural Revolution on its knees. You have the floor, Gene

Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Chow Mein was a Tagalog dialect in the country of ____________________.

 

I’m assuming you saw the physique of Charlie “Ruh” Roh (Gotta love ya, Chris Berman) the other day. Between then and now, he must have read one too many Richie Rich comic books, all the way to the Charles Atlas section and taken things to heart. Threatened by his stepdad to call Chet Baker, “Dad”, or Ruh Roh would dry up and blow away, the pumping iron and the sophomore team bus has apparently paid off. Now if he can just hang onto Mr. Potato Head, the workout will pay even more dividends.

But the more I ponder the issue, the more I realize THAT’S THE IDEA. Fumble a toy you could carry around the house with your eyes closed, thereby stretching the plot all the way to Thanksgiving, or beyond, if Gil’s Christmas Party isn’t in full swing. Where’s your sense of adventure. Personally, I like people who had nothing better to do than score touchdowns and win the game fumble the toy-OH, THAT’S A FOOTBALL-around and cuss the referee out in Mandarin Chinese. First time somebody got an unsportsmanlike flag when the ref couldn’t understand a word he said. Yeah, right, Thorpiverse, save Roh’s 8 TD, 465 yard performance until Hanukkah. Build some excitement for 3 months and climax it with Roh being Mayor of Milford For The Day or sit on Santa’s lap, the reader’s pick. I can see the logic.

 

“And Roh coughs up the ball and Macy is beating the tar out of him on the sidelines. Roh is countering with kick, box, punch while Macy is continuing with beat his ass, beat his ass, beat his ass. Looks like the coaches are separating them, finally, and this gives me an opportunity to go to a station break. This is Marty Moon for WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Folks, would you like to have a blast while buying your favorite liquor at your headquarters for liquor. Well, here’s your chance to enter the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Classic held right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. And, boy, you oughta see the beaucoup entrants in this tournament lining up for a piece of history. The course will be challenging and the booze will be flowing. This year, we made some changes to make the course more exciting. It’s not much fun throwing a frisbee at a cardbaord cut-out of Chester Cheetah on a par 3, dog leg left by the Durango Tequila rack. Why not spice up the competitive juices and award a man a case of Bud if he can knock the jar of Planters out of Mr. Peanut’s hand? We’ll admit we also caught some flak because hitting the freezer door of Big Ass Bourbon Freezees on a par 5, straightaway was child’s play so we used the forklift to hoist the freezer up 3 stories. Try flippin’ your Whammo! at the Jack Daniel Slushees now. We also made sure that the men’s and women’s rest rooms are WELL-MARKED this year. No more surprises. The men should find the door for stall #3 on a par 5 dog leg right in the men’s room, no problem. Fortunately, the women only screamed twice last year. We didn’t have to involve the Milford Police.

And while you’re entering, check out these door busters. Miller High Life Genuine Draft, 18-pack, a steal at 24.99. And how ’bout Jim Beam Natural Smoke Fine Smelt Whiskey? We’ll only charge you what we would charge your family AND if you buy now, we’ll knock off another dollar AND you’ll get a free Top-flite 280x Frisbee, perfect for joining in the fun while gettin’ half-sloshed. Hey, you might win the Tournament plus get the prized for Most Stoked at the Stake. And don’t forget to buy plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts. At a price of 6.99/can, you can wash it down with a cold case of Coors, fresh out of the refrigeration unit we have in the back of the store for only 48.99/case. Sorry, we will not be able to use the refrigerator door as a frisbee target this year as the janitor will be buffering the concrete floor that night.

Goodness, come on in and fill out a form for this Tournament. We understand The Bucket is trying to plead their case for a liquor license by sponsoring a Sand Volleyball Tournament. Where are they going to get the sand? Mudlark Lake is cordoned off this weekend for that Aerosmith concert. If you really don’t care to know like I don’t, get a move on down here for fun, frisbees, and foam and leave your Happy Meal attitude at The Bucket. Tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

]

All right, Gang, it’s all yours. Do you really want to know or care if Roh is going to ride the bench for the next 3 months from today’s gaffe in P3? I thought not.

 

“…THEY’RE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN HERE IN M-TOWN, TIKI’S A PTPer, CHARLES ROH AND CHANCE MACY, 1-2 COMBO IN AMERICA, BABY!!!!!!!!! COACH SHAW IS THE NEXT HEAD COACH AT…”

FREEZE IT, GIL

 

“Your quarterback eats Bucket Chow Mein from the children’s menu!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Those lessons in Tibetan are paying off.

13 Comments »

  1. teenchy’s nickname for Charlie Roh was prescient!

    Comment by nedryerson — September 5, 2019 @ 11:20 am

  2. Guess all that speed is pretty worthless when your other nickname could be “fuckup-the-fumbler”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 5, 2019 @ 11:40 am

  3. I blame Chet.

    Comment by nedryerson — September 5, 2019 @ 11:45 am

  4. Yesterday robmize pulled me up on age, and yes, I am really old. Old enough to remember referring to the Giants’ home park on 155th St as “The Polio Grounds.” Before the Salk vaccine, many parents would not let kids go to games for fear of what we then called “infantile paralysis.” I was in the first large public test group for the Salk vaccine, in second grade, in the fall of 1954. My brother started college that same fall, and thus got to see the Giants and the Dodgers in their New York and Brooklyn homes for those final three seasons. And yes, he was in the right field bleachers “when Robinson stole home.”

    Fumble! (and I suspect no Mudlark will fall on it in the end zone.) Anybody else think Heather Burns will drop in (she’s taking a semester off to serve sloppy joes in the cafeteria) and teach Charlie Roh how to protect the football?

    Comment by vaganova — September 5, 2019 @ 2:27 pm

  5. @vagnova…The Polo Grounds, with its uniquely-shaped field was the site of a game with about the shortest home run (right field) and longest out (left field) ever seen in a game.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 5, 2019 @ 3:01 pm

  6. Chance could use a minute?! Are you kidding me? This isn’t the NFL where they take out Insert Name Here star running back after a “laborious “ 20 yd run. Does he even play both ways? No?! Then get his candy ass back out there! You put in a sophomore who hasn’t run the ball in ANY game? Gil you brain dead moron! Was it too hot in the 85 degrees temps to do wind sprints? Just cancel the friggin game! The poor kids are plum tuckered out! Absolutely sickening!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 5, 2019 @ 3:59 pm

  7. franku is right about the weird shape of the field at the Polo Grounds. It was re-done several times, but was never anything close to symmetrical. The foul lines (and part of center) were short, but the power alleys were all but endless. It was the site of one of the most famous plays in World Series history, Mays’s “The Catch,” in which Mays hauled in a drive 460 feet deep AND prevented Larry Doby from scoring from second.

    Comment by vaganova — September 5, 2019 @ 5:31 pm

  8. Oh my god the 2 yard line and your horse is tired? On opening night? Leave him in and bang it in the end zone. Or take a time out for a blow. Everything wrong with this. That close you need to reset everything, bring in the bigger linemen for the goal line offense. Several men should check in. I’ll have more ranting manana.

    Comment by robmize2013 — September 5, 2019 @ 10:05 pm

  9. Wait a minute. Has it been established that the Rohs are Asian? And the kid’s first name is “Charlie”? Ethnic slur much?

    Comment by teenchy — September 6, 2019 @ 4:40 am

  10. Vagnova – I think that the super-short HR was hit by pinch hitter Dusty Rhodes too. It would have been a routine out anywhere else on that field

    Comment by franku2016 — September 6, 2019 @ 7:11 am

  11. Just in case no one else has come up with this yet, I propose calling him Ruh Roh!

    Comment by Don, the Rebel without a Blog — September 6, 2019 @ 11:25 am

  12. franku– Dusty Rhodes did hit a celebrated short HR at the Polio Grounds (against The Indians of Cleveland in the ’54 Series) and I suspect it’s the one you’re thinking of.

    No one will be surprised that I take a minority position on the substitution. Coach Shaw says Macy could “use a minute,” which does not necessarily mean he is winded. He could just as well have taken a shot to the balls or a knee to the head on the play, or for that matter, twisted something which will take a minute to walk off. For me, the more interesting thing (Friday strip spoiler alert) is that Chet Ballard is already crabbing about Gil’s coaching. Haley v B handed him his ass just a couple of weeks ago, and he is still sore about the fact he was cornered into letting Tiki the Torched go to school at Mfnrd and play for Coach Thorp.

    Comment by vaganova — September 6, 2019 @ 2:41 pm

  13. Good show, Gang.
    Some excellent dialogue between Franku and Vaganova accentuated some excellent discussion concerning the topic at hand today. When you learn something along the way, it keeps me coming back for more. Give Franku and Vaganova a round of applause.
    A fine job by all of you. I learned and that’s fuel to my fire.

    Keep Democracy firing on all cylinders, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — November 17, 2019 @ 8:54 pm


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