This Week in Milford

September 10, 2019

The Plot Is Marching Deep Into Enemy Territory. Maybe It’ll Reach The Red Zone.

Filed under: actual action, football, Just Plain Awesome, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 9:03 am

091019

Now I didn’t say it was going to score. Thorpiverse could run into a goal-line stance. Yup, just when we think Joe Montana has engineered the drive that’ll win the Super Bowl, we could experience a reversal of fortune

“Montana sees Rice in the end zone, for the Championship, Montana throws, Rice ha-”

MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Joe kept the chains going anyway. And it was smart for Jerry Rice to step out of bounds to kill the clock. That kept The Drive going. I’ll just have to watch it on tape delay after the local news tonight. I think the plot does do reruns.

If I do stay up late, do I want to see that Late Abstractionist footwear again? Thorpiverse apparently forgot to bring his cleats so he went to the locker room to get out his Red Ball specials. Didn’t they wear those items in “Son of Flubber?” They were able to jump over the goal post in that game, as I recall. They could get to the concession stand in one bounce and Coach Thorp would never know. Why run an end around when you could run like a flea on a fly pattern. Just throw to that Oreo sky, I’ll catch the damn thing.

Well, at least the centipede today in P1 has all its legs. Normally, there’s a foot or two missing when we’re engineering the plot, or the football, forward. This time, shoild they score, the good news is, the Mudlarks will have all their appendages attached and I mean, in the proper order. No Toy Story job,  i.e., hand going in the shoulder socket where the collarbone is as a rule located. The hamstring will be right side up. Pectoralis major will be a pectoralis major, not flashing a facade as your tibia.

What about the other team? Will they have their fibula in its right mind? Hey, in this business, you worry about your own problems. I’ll let Coach Andrews worry about how to shoehorn somebody’s humerus and ulna bone out of that Oakwood free safety’s butt.

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon and say hello to Bre and Crystal who run the place professionally and with a smile. They are getting a HUGE shoutout because they treat the customer like a king and keep the place humming in the bargain. Sounds like service to me. Heck, the customers in the waiting room were in a great conversation with the ladies, that’s how much of a rapport they have with customers and the public in general. Factor in great mechanics where the parking area is ALWAYS full(gotta hand it to ’em, they’re BUSY), great gas at great prices, and you have a winner for a business. Take Exit 118 off I-64 in Indiana, follow Indiana 62 West until you see the FIRST road to your left and you are THERE(across the road from Edwardsville UMC).

Gang, support Small Business. You need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Bre and Crystal know mine.

 

And it appears that Mudlarks are finding the seams in Oakwood’s defense and moving forward in their quest for a score. It may have taken 6-7 panels for Milford’s offensive coordinator to make the adjustments but looky here, in P1 they made it to the 9/10 line. Toldja they’d run a screen out right. Caught the O’wood outside linebacker napping.

 

Because I’m a little overwhelmed after reading some travel magazine article saying we, the general public, would be surprised at what country leads the world in the divorce rate, myself laying money on Papua New Guinea because Christie Brinkley may be foxy-looking but being cooped up with her on an island 24/7 and looking at coconuts and monkeys in trees as your summer social in the South Pacific might not as appealing as what is being stated in the travel brochure

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Leads The Valley Conference In Marriage Annulments Granted, According To The Milford Municipal Clerk’s Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Andrews: ‘I kept telling the reporter “My wife and I are still together!” The Ward and June arrangement was just a stopgap until they took the stitches out from my hernia surgery!!!!'”

 

And P2 gets a little more funkier in the artwork. In P1, shoes were the only issue but the Dadaist Movement has extended itself just a little bit more. And it works.

It’s art worthy of Guggenheim when the quarterback is handing off the Wonder Bread loaf, or faking the French bread and making it LOOK like the fullback is going to rip the sideline with the pumpernickel safely tucked in his bicep.

Speaking of biceps, isn’t it amazing how the quarterback has been pumping iron to fill his right arm with a generous supply of muscle, unclear why he left his left arm so that he’d have to use pour Liquid Drano down his wrist later on to remove the nasty clog.

And again, we THINK this is a fake, sneaking a peek into P3. Mr. Pentagon Head in the background might know, he’s really wrapped up in this cliffhanger. I hope he doesn’t fall out of the stadium, the structure is leaning over again after Milford Disposal dumped another wad under the bleachers. And that sign!!!!! You’d hate to lose it just because the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally gave out and overlapped onto the field. It’d be hell on goal post repairs and the sign might be lost forever. What other comic strip has cheesy generic placards? Should have done some pre-planning, Thorpivsrse.

If ya march yore trailer down Main Street in Milford and ya had ta have the Milford Police, Milford Sheriff’s Department, Milford Reserve Guard, Milford Horse Brigade, Milford Elementary School Patrol Boys, Milford Air National Unit, Milford VFW Post Retired Guard, Local 234, and the Canadian Mounties serve as escorts while yore runnin’ all the red lights, stop signs, yield signs, and the School Zone speed limit warnings, just so ya could make it to the Milford Luxury Estates Trailer Park b’fore they shut the gate at 8:00PM, ya might be a redneck.

3 and 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember when I was in school and we would cheer on our high school football team with the war cry

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND ETC., ETC., ETC.

I’m confident I don’t need to repeat myself ad infinitum. Anyway, this is how I feel HERE. The plot is going to keep churning up the yardage and ram it down Oakwood’s throat. Man, those Walnuts don’t stand a chance. Just remember, Milford, look the ball in the tuck, don’t grab the nose tackle’s leg when you’re blocking and no unnecessary chances. We don’t need heroes. No long bombs at the 16-yard line. If you’re thinking of going deep in the 18th row where the marching band is playing, forget it. No calling for the ball by the tuba.

Let Pissy Face do his Texas Line Dance while the quarterback executes a fake draw. Those fans sitting in the splotchy staircase that’s leaning over the county line will never know what hit ’em. Neither will Oakwood. That’ll teach Coach Andrews to bolt on Gil when there was normalcy returned to the plot. You’re going to run into shitty plots whether you’re in Milford, New Thayer, Oakwood, Amsterdam, Havana, Rio, etc., Coach Andrews. Serves you right.

 

And I tell you what, Gang, I just get excited when I read that Alex Trebek holds the Guinness Book of World Records for hosting the most game show segments, 6,829, outdueling, yes, you guessed it, Bob “I moderated the Lincoln-Douglas Debates when I was a college student, majoring in Frontier Broadcast Journalism” Barker. Now I know that Barker did “Milford or Consequences” back  in the ’60’s-early ’70’s and he did a lot of shows so I’m thinking this is a dubious record. After all, the show was shot in the gym and that gets very little usage, the plot spending much more time divided between “Romper Room” and “Another World”. Studio audience in the bleachers? And they’re saying pre-historic Barker didn’t host beaucoup shows where they SHOULD be shooting free throws with the game on the line? Are you serious?

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Openly Questions Trebek’s Duration; Will Have Cochran Research The Issue InThe Archives At Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I KNOW that dude didn’t do better than Wink Martindale. Wink had to have hosted over 7,000 shows of ‘Dialing for Mudlarks’. Ol’ Wink’s a legend here in Milford. Picks up the tab every time at Milford Lounge.”

 

THEY’RE RUNNING THE FLUBBER PLAY IN P3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mudlarks want Oakwood to THINK Biff Hawk Schuring is throwing a pigskin but in reality it’s a fake reverse; Tiki Jensen is inflated with Flubber and has the football crammed up his butt, hidden by the overly inflated uniform. I sniffed it out because the referee was a dead giveaway. He’s the great-grandson of Alan Carney, the referee in the “Son of Flubber” game. He just grew a Fu Manchu so that Oakwood wouldn’t notice (“Hey, wasn’t that the guy who signaled a field goal when Biff kicked that 98-yarder?”) . Plus, the atmosphere in Milford Planetarium and Observatory can wreak havoc when you’re trying to read the play; some of the stars on the cardboard cast a poor perspective on Tiki Flubber so he can just float the last 20 yards untouched. Otherwise, you can see Venus in the sky if you squint.

 

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UNIT BACK IN AND FORGET YOUR MANNERS. WE AIN’T LETTIN’ THE MUDLARKS AND THE REST OF THE FLUBBERS BACK IN THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Andrews, it’s 7-7, 4th quarter.”

 

“The game is knotted at 7 apiece but Milford threatens to score. They’re 2nd and goal and Coach T. wants to call a time out to talk things over. We’ll head to a commercial break. This is Marty Moon and you’re tuned into WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“You know, there are legends and there are LEGENDS. That’s why when I heard that the Guinness Brothers didn’t give Wink Martindale proper respect after he had hosted Milford Bingo Busters (“If ya yell ‘BINGO, you’re BUSTED”) for as long as Marty Moon’s goatee grew from peach fuzz to GQ celebrity statues, we were just a little perturbed here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and I wasn’t going to let Mr. and Mrs. Guinness get away with murder, that’s why WDIG is happy to announce the Wink Martindale Marathon, starting this Sunday at 5:00PM, Mudlark Standard Time and will show all of Wink’s memories from beginning to end, 24 hours a day until Wednesday, sponsored by Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Sewer Department. Didn’t you get a chill when you were downin’ your Early Times Bourbon Whiskey, $24.99 a bottle, when the contestant decided to go for it? The odds weren’t  favoring the peanut landing on B 24, but that’s why I’m an absentee coach and Wink’s a true star who has his star on the Milford Walk of Fame. Wink told the contestant to go for the gusto, you only go around once in life, and it paid off, the jackpot totaling $35 million. Wink shouldn’t have slobbered on the guy but that’s Wink.

How ’bout kickin’ back with your Evan Williams Hard Cider, $120 a case and kibbitzing while the judges try to decide on a ruling on whether the peanut that landed on N 19 should count, just because it bounced off Wink’s hair? Pretty sure that the judgment ruled in the contestant’s favor on the condition that half his winnings go to Milford Charities Bureau. Wink was all about fair play.

And I remember coming home late one night, half soused, and poppin’ the remote and seeing a tape delay of the show, swipin’ a Bud Dark Burn Lite from the 24-pack on the coffee table, that I bought for $40.99. Thank God I had my Visa Magic Milford Beverage Warehouse Platinum handy cuz I lost the damn thing under the couch. But Wink was in rare form, chastising a couple of contestants after they tried to sneak in Q45 and Z 75. Like Wink couldn’t spell. BINQO? Puh-lease.

And this week, as a special bonus to stoke up the competition for the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Competition here at the Warehouse, there’s a challenging route, par 4, dog leg left, where your frisbee has to negotiate over the pile of Milford Beer Nuts in the middle of the floor. Talk about a sand trap. Then you have to position yourself to knock the covers off Wink’s bed in a cardboard cut-out showing him sleeping with the assistant female producer of the show. I may not like the concept but sometimes you gotta play the game if you want to host a first-rate operation. It was either that or take Eubanks’ place on the “Newleywed Game” and I couldn’t see him trying to get a couple to stop fighting over their disagreement on where they vacationed in Finland.

It’s all right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And have your sleeping bag ready this Sunday where you can go back to the good ol’ days and sip a cold Coors while enjoying the Marathon. Come down and get your TV bill of fare and tell ’em Wink and Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

All right, Gang. It’s all yours. I hope Ned Brainerd used the right amount of  Flubber this time; the last time, Tiki ran into his flying Model T and both landed on top of The Bucket.

 

“Do you know how to make a dead baby float?”

Gil and Mimi are clueless

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Oh, Coach, I’m sorry, it’s 2 scoops of dead babies and a Bucket Root Beer. Well, since you couldn’t tell the Truth AND you live in Milford, you’ll have to pay the Consequences…”

 

 

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8 Comments »

  1. The pass play on 3rd and 1 when you have a back that has been gaining yards at will reminds me of Pete Carroll trying a pass play towards the end of the game against the Pats in Super Bowl XLIX instead of giving it to Beast Mode, who seemed unstoppable that day. Nice call, Gil. I hope it gets intercepted.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 10, 2019 @ 9:12 am

  2. Does everybody wear gloves all the time now?
    Also, this is the whitest Milford team in a long time.
    And the most coverage given to one game in living memory.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — September 10, 2019 @ 9:16 am

  3. Yes downpuppy I’ve harped on the glove phenomenon too. I’ve heard they’re very tacky/sticky. I’m not really impressed with a “great catch” when ones wearing those dog gone gloves. Max McGee didn’t need no stinkin’ gloves!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 10, 2019 @ 11:16 am

  4. The quarterback, the linemen, even the ref, are all wearing the same brown gloves. It’s the opener, it’s not an ice bowl. Is Gil getting a kickback?

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — September 10, 2019 @ 11:28 am

  5. Fred Biletnikoff just used stickem’. He was a typically slow white guy, but ran precise routes and made some good grabs. They banned that shit years ago, but I think the gloves are no different….just less messy.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 10, 2019 @ 1:48 pm

  6. Eighteen consecutive panels of football action, with three more likely tomorrow. As the hobbits of the Shire would say, “This is unnatural and will have to be paid for.” We have to brace ourselves for weeks of meddlesome bellyaching from Chet Ballard.

    Comment by vaganova — September 10, 2019 @ 2:32 pm

  7. Former Raider Lester Hayes put stick em pretty much on his whole body. I remember an NFL player saying,”There will still be great catches. They just won’t be made with elbows.”

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 10, 2019 @ 2:36 pm

  8. That is a great line, JT,

    As with vaganova, I am very much here for all of the football action. If Rubin were able to show the story of the team’s season using 66% in game panels, that would be wonderful and, unfortunately, unlikely.

    Comment by timbuys — September 10, 2019 @ 7:42 pm


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