This Week in Milford

September 12, 2019

Mudlarks Are Forced To Punt It Away To The Script.

Filed under: actual action, football, freak hands, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 11:37 am

091219

Now the Oakwood Mighty Cashews look a little awkward, doing that Sha Na Na routine, one Cashew humpin’ another, but if it’ll stuff the run and give them a shot to right the ship before time runs out, ya do what gotta do.

The consolation prize is the melange of tacklers and blockers and the poor schmuck running with the ball DOES resemble tackling and blocking. No 15-leg octopus stepping off the UFO with several 7-legged Martians and their fiancees. If the earth is going to be taken over by Kanamits, it’s comforting to know they cannibalize earthlings with only 2 appendages.

But we were understandably antsy about Charlie Roh’s kismet, his having fumbled once earlier in the game that occurred 2 months ago. Labor Day is when Gil gave Roh a bear hug and told Charlie “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” But remember, Gil cussed him out over the same faux pas around Guy Fawkes Day. Tear their ass down  when they goof but hug ’em tighter later on, especially when the game’s on the line. Sounds like good coaching is the order of the day here.

Come to Fuel Mart in Austin, Indiana where they will give you the great service that’s a given around their neck of the woods. Savannah and Helen run a super operation, the customers at a steady flow whenever I walk in. Gang, THAT’S busy. And that’s because they have great goodies, from hot dogs and frankfurters on the grill to SEVERAL snacks, from potato chips to cheese puffs, candy bars to snack cakes by the BOATLOAD. And don’t forget the sandwiches. Nor the colas, another plentiful quantity. Add in great gas at great prices and I don’t wonder why they are busy as bees. I also wish to give shoutouts to Daelyn and Roberta, 2 ladies who have been there for several years and treat you like you want to be treated. I have seen Daelyn for several years and she has ALWAYS been professional in her dealings with the customer, plus she can get things in order because she knows the store and knows hows to get it done. Roberta has been there for 18 years and I congratulate her because she has been dedicated to the business and she does so with a smile. She also knows the inner workings of the store and knows also how to solve knotty problems. Ladies, they don’t pay you enough. I salute you.

Support Small Business, Gang. Come to the neighborhood where fellowship and food and fuel all go hand in hand.

Did you see this coming

Was it all so obvious

Charlie was stuffed

But the ball was conspicuous

You don’t have to be a genius to know this reeks

Don’t need the DNA test to plug the leaks

Charlie hopes are sinking fast

His talents are poorly cast

C’mon, admit it, everybody in the Western Hemisphere and the Island Nation of Fiji thought that Charlie was going to do something stupid with the ball, the Miracle at the Meadowlands replayed or, to keep quoting Yogi, “deja vu all over again.” And I’ll admit and I daresay the vast majority were thinking he would fumble the ball a second time which would be a logical choice, were this to be an answer on the multiple choice portion of the exam.  Let’s look at the other choices

B) He did a Flubber and ran all the way to the end zone where he was so caught up in the Medfield crowd that he smashed into one of the goal posts, coughs up the ball, and the Rutland Cashew runs the other way for a score, they kick the extra point, the game winds up being a sister-kisser and he gets amnesia and thinks he is taking over for Darren McBride as Milford’s quarterback in the next game after McBride’s A-Fib flares up again

C) He does a Forrest Gump and runs PARALLEL with the 50-yard line all the way out of the stadium and is found later on Mt. Everest after the Hillary Expedition finds the football in some sherpa’s tent. Milford goes on to win as there were spare footballs in Coach Shaw’s pick-up, right below his gun rack

D) With one Rutland Cashew to beat, Charlie kicks the poor free safety in the nuts, subsequently getting penalized half the distance to the goal line THE OTHER WAY, prompting Gil to remind the Flubber referee of the proper ruling, that it’s defined under personal foul, according to Valley Conference Comments on the Rules, therefore should only be assessed 25 yards. The game is played under protest, to be played at when the game started, the date sometime in December just after Gil’s party.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rioting On The Streets Of Milford After Protest Parade Fails To Settle Issue On Roh’s Fate.”

sub headline

“Roh on indefinite house arrest at the Fleming household after 2nd fumble causes comic strip to lose its charter.”

Did you see this coming

Was Chet obvious

Belching his ire

Contempt for Gil conspicuous

You don’t have to wear your glasses to see what’s new

You don’t have to look again to catch Chet’s spew

Charlie’s mom, hanging her head

Wishing that she were dead

And I realize that there are people out there who are nice people off the field who turn into bug-eyed fanatics wondering why their kid isn’t the next Jordan when the gun goes off or the ball is tapped. Now, in fairness, if you haven’t seen family play sports, you couldn’t possibly understand how easy it is to judge until YOU ARE THE ONE WATCHING YOUR KID PLAY. And I’ll admit that I got overly excited when I first started out but I asked a ton of questions and got better at the game, literally and figuratively.

That said, P2 is just utterly ridiculous. Last month, he was the Sharp Dressed Man and acted the part. Hadley Victor Victoria might have headed out of Dodge with the brass ring but I admired Chet because his points were valid and very well-taken. Today, or tonight, in a star-studded sky that looks like Mr. and Mrs. Roh are watching their kid play sports in one of those tiny jars that you get a Christmas time that spread the sprinkles and stars every which way when you flip it upside down, ad nauseum, Chet is reaching Pro Wrestling Bad Guy status. Sure, unfortunately, the sad reality is there are parents like Chet that get that way.

But Chet is getting melodramatic here. It’s getting to the point where if the trombone player in the Milford Marching Band misses a note on “The Horse”, it’s Gil’s fault, he didn’t prep the player to grease the slide before pre-game warm-ups. Or if the P.A. announcer mispronounces the Rutland player as “Shitter” rather than “Sheeter” when the player originated from German lineage during the Bismarck era and therefore carries the surname “Schitter”, Chet is blaming Gil because he didn’t hand the announcer a media guide or Fodor’s “Milford in 10 Days”. Miracle at the Meadowlands? Gil should have called a time out before the Eagle could make it to the end zone.

And Chet’s wife’s body language says it all. She is dejected, either because Roh got stopped and couldn’t make mama proud or she is embarrassed for Chet’s boorish behavior. Likely a combo of the two. Or maybe the concession stand taco salad loaded too much ostrich beef. Definite Rolaids Moment.

If ya want the other kid on the other fishing team at Mudlark Lake disqualified and yore own kid on his team to grab the trophy cuz yore boy caught 184 walleye and the boy on the other team caught a hammerhead shark, a blatant violation of the rules cuz it’s a foreign object that ain’t got no business in the water, even though it were a fate d’komplait cuz the other kid done it with a Popeel Pocket Fisherman, ya might be a redneck.

And aside from Chet making a jackass of himself, something I’m led to believe will be the norm in the next 2-3 months (Now if he blames Coach T. on Valentines Day because Charlie should have been looking the Russell Stover Dark Chocolates in the tuck, Chet should check in at Milford Psychiatric Associates) , why does Thorpiverse ALWAYS show some kid, adult, Martian, tweener, wheelchair-bound personality from the nursing ho,e out to get some fresh air and take in a game, etc., SMILING or in general having that Stimpy face every time Milford runs into misfortune?

“Milford fumbles!!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood runs it the other way and scores!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! This is Harry Caray…”

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

HAPPY HAPPY…

 

But it’s nice to see Beetle Bailey weigh in and soak in the sights. Snorkel must have given him a 3-day pass.

 

Robmize, you know I’ll never change. I’ve tried.

 

Okay, Gene Rayburn is here to restore things to order here on Match Game 2019. Without further ado, you got the floor, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), she thought that Charlie _______________ the ball when Oakwood got it back.”

Did you see this coming

Was the bull shit obvious

Out of his butt

His butthead’s conspicuous

You don’t have to be ahead to cheer your team

Your son doesn’t have to be Montana for him to beam

Mama’s raising lots of cane

Cuz Chet’s just a stinkass pain

And Mama Roh is getting off the mat after Chet Drago insists on making a royal donkey of himself. Good for her. I get the feeling she will be the one who keeps Charlie level-headed when Chet never gets the hint that he should stick to insurance and let Gil do the coaching. Uhhhhhhhh, well, you get the idea. Gil might not be doing any coaching, like he hasn’t in God-knows-when but he’s still an expert in his field. That’s what’s important. If the bus driver crashes the Greyhound into a utility pole because he was too busy on the cell phone with friends but still has his CDL, he’s covered.

Still waiting on the outcome from Mama Roh’s encouragement. Don’t choke on this one, Thorpiverse. All the free throw lines are 15 feet from the basket.

“Will Oakwood tie things or can Milford hang on? We’ll know in a moment. We’ll take a station break with the score, Milford, 14, Oakwood, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“You know, when my house blew down after some PLO terrorist sailed through town on their way to a convention, we had issues with our house after they set off one bomb too many. We couldn’t possibly invite guests over next week for pot luck supper, let alone use the verandah, except for a fortress should those terrorists return.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Mudlark Brick and Masonry. The good people there were understanding after having been bombed themselves when some of the Japanese took a detour from Pearl Harbor and somehow located Milford in the Rand McNally. The shag carpeting was ruined.

We had cracks in the flagstone brick after shards went all over the lawn. It was hard to get any privacy. Did you ever try to take a dump when Coach Shaw and the kids are on their Sunday afternoon stroll down the street? But Mudlark Brick and Masonry showed me ways to plug those gaps with the finest brick-repairing materials you could lay your trowel on. With the finest Bedford, Indiana limestone, the kind that built the Empire State Building, it gives me and my family piece of mind that the shower stall was once going to The Big Apple as a foundation for the Chrysler Building.

Walls bowing in? Yup, that was a problem but these experts have faced adversity and a Japanese howitzer so they yelled “Tora! Tora! Tora!” when they saw our cupboards in the kitchen about to cave in. Gypsum never looked any better and gave a nice touch to the Lazy Susan containing all our Kashi cereals. We could lean the Amana stove against the wall and the gypsum walls would keep the stove from landing on top of the refrigerator magnets. Did you ever try to cook Shake and Bake in a 3-quart saucepan with your ice cube tray floating in with the chicken breasts? Thank God these pros knew what they were doing.

And how ’bout uneven concrete? Hey, bombs will mess up the promenade leading from the verandah to the bird bath and feeder at the end of our yard. Mudlark Brick and Masonry redesigned the sidewalk so we wouldn’t get vertigo trying to walk with a sack of bird seed on our shoulders. You know how concrete can make you do the 50-yard hurdles if you don’t implement preventive medicine. Concrete mixed well like a baby formula from the cement mixer was the perfect tonic.

But don’t take my word for it. Come in today and see for yourself. If you’ve been victimized by aliens who like to do joy rides on your driveway with their UFO’s and mess up the masonry all around the household, why reach for your Uzi when Milford Brick and Masonry will take most insurance plans? Come on in and check out your own florr plans and tell ’em Coach Thorp and the Milford Neighborhood Vigilante Associates sent ya.”

Go at it, Gang. Chet ought to be done by the time all the stars and dust in the jar settles.

“…I’m not superstitious or even religious, I just want things so true

I’m not worried about things, Gil, they’ll take me away from YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”

9 Comments »

  1. Aaaaand….there it is….Chet is starting to show his true jag-off colors. He’s finding any reason to blame Gil for Charlie “I’m not gonna call you dad” Roh’s weak performance. Gil has shattered the poor kid’s confidence by allowing him to carry the rock in a tight game, rather than keeping him on the pine. If anyone should be question someone’s confidence, Chet should be questioning his own after letting geeky-Hadley-V. make a monkey out of him in such quick fashion. Unfortunately, football stands from Pee-Wee level to NFL level are filled with such big-mouths. I had to ask a guy (wearing all official-looking Bears shit, including holding a large foam bear claw) at a Bears game once “so, which is it? Is Ditka the best coach you’ve ever seen or is he one of the most confused? Because you’ve sat here for three quarters now and said both, so what are you getting at?…” . I wanted to take his dumb bear claw from him and smack him with it.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 12, 2019 @ 11:51 am

  2. Our school board seat was open this year, and the primary was Tuesday. A friend of one of the candidates buttonholed me on the way to vote. The candidate has sent out a flyer with a long, messy, statement written in educationese, which I had waded through. So I told the woman, “She seems nice but, I read her message, and it’s not..” The woman understood, looked a bit pained “We offered to help her but she didn’t take it.”

    Bad writing is a forgivable sin in a candidate Not listening to your friends is fatal.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — September 12, 2019 @ 1:25 pm

  3. Yes, Chet is an asshole. He assumes that the stop is Charlie’s fault, and that Gil is to blame for “destroying his confidence.” But if at least three Oakwooders blast him at the line of scrimmage, either the play was a bad idea or the blocking was poorly executed. Only Bronko Nagurski could run through a brick wall. But I am pleased to see that at least Charlie’s mother has her head on straight and goes instantly from hands at temples to yelling for the defense. That’s what you do.

    Bronko Nagurski… In his time, the goal posts were on the goal line. In one game, they sent him on a slant plunge. He went headlong into the goalpost and almost knocked himself out. Bouncing off, he staggered forward and fell into the end zone for the touchdown. “Wow,” he said to a teammate. “That last guy was tough.”

    Comment by vaganova — September 12, 2019 @ 2:47 pm

  4. P2: Big kid, tiny hat. It’s-a me, Mario!

    Comment by teenchy — September 12, 2019 @ 3:20 pm

  5. I’d think Charlie’s mom would be more concerned about his exploding eyeball in panel one.

    As to Chet, I want to know who he thinks he’s impressing flashing that reverse Vulcan salute.

    Comment by timbuys — September 12, 2019 @ 3:27 pm

  6. Didn’t Gil tell Douchey a couple of weeks ago that one side of the line was better than the other? That’s probably the problem, despite what Chet’s bitch-ass sez.

    Comment by franku2016 — September 12, 2019 @ 5:33 pm

  7. Good point, Frank. I’m sure that side of the line’s confidence is shot, right Chet? And leave it to dumb ass Gil to run Roh behind a couple of 98lb weakling guard and tackle. Gil must be teaching them a lesson they’ll never forget. Or learn. Of course Gil has his head in the Gatorade cooler marked rotgut.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 12, 2019 @ 5:41 pm

  8. P3 – “COACH…..YOUR PLAY CALLING BLOWS…”

    Comment by franku2016 — September 13, 2019 @ 9:13 am

  9. You all did GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed at every one of your comments, in large part because they’re TRUE.

    Franku, when I was following my nephew in baseball, we had a baseball game with one of our rivals. Some guy tags up at 3rd and bowls over the catcher(although the collision was not malicious, wasn’t trying to take anybody out, just good hard baseball).
    Well, of course, both dugouts clear, the parents from both teams are in a lather, when suddenly our athletic director, Bob Cuprisin(CUP-rih-son), storms out of the press box and yells to our players
    BOYS, GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE DUGOUT
    Everybody was stunned he could shout that far and even the other team went to THEIR dugout. And this was the same stadium where they shot most of “A League of Their Own”(you can see Crawford Door Sales, long a Bosse Field(Bossy) institution, in the background if you squint your eyes(ha)) if you wanna use your imagination a little.
    But he did the right thing, proving why we won a few State Championships along the way. Control the situation if ya wanna win. He was the best in the business.

    Gang, you’re dear to my heart. Never ever change. Democracy needs you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — September 23, 2019 @ 1:40 pm


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