This Week in Milford

October 1, 2019

I Think, Therefore I Cheap-shot.

Filed under: actual action, Fat Guys, football, Just Plain Awesome — tdrewhardin @ 2:24 am

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Nobody is ever going to accuse Gil of running a tight ship. When the play calls for a draw but the Tilden safety said something about the wide receiver’s mother, the Mudlark 11 can always call an audible so that the wide receiver can run a fly and run to the end zone and if he doesn’t catch the TD pass, he can at least use the goalpost stand as a turnbuckle. No, he didn’t get the game-winning score but Jerry Lawler got his Southern Tag Team Belt back that way. Coach, the Mouth of the South questioned my manhood. I had to throw him through the ropes. It’s a guy thing. You understand, of course.

Then we will also explore all the ways to conjugate “Cheap-shot.” Betcha you didn’t there are many ways to skin a cat. No really, when Descartes was expressing himself in Latin, when he wasn’t busy inventing the x-y graph, he was expanding the frontiers of our vocabulary. Just listen

Cogito, ergo Cheap-shatum

Isn’t that just mellifluous? Doesn’t that just make you wanna run to the Milford 5 & 10 and get the latest copy of Wheelock’s Latin? I understand they’re running a 2-for-1 special. Better hurry. This Latin classic and Lassie Levels Rin-Tin-Tin On The Porch is going like hot cakes. I know I’ve reserved my copy.

“Lassie, did you chase Marmaduke out of the neighborhood? I know he called you a dog.”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was Ruff. Where was Dennis the Menace?”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Over at Mr. Wilson’s house? What was he doing over there?”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Skinny-dipping in his pool? I didn’t know that Mr. Wilson built one in his back yard.”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And Ruff said you look like you are hunching a fire hydrant every time you dog-paddle? Yeah, I guess I would have bitten his butt too. Good girl.”

 

If ya “accidentally” turn the wrong way when ya say “pull” and aim yore shotgun at a guy’s butt hangin’ outta his Levi’s instead of the clay pigeon at the Milford Con-ser-va-shun Club Turkey Shoot and ya didn’t git a 10-pound turkey with Stove-top Stuffin’ but ya went true on all his pimples in his crack cuz the dude said yore in-bred in-law needs ta settle up at the County Clerk and make it offi-shul, ya might be a redneck.

 

I used to officiate City League basketball games and one of my officiating partners, a good friend of mine, had a daughter who was married to a college basketball player. It wouldn’t be fair to tell who the coach was but the reason why this player transferred from this coach’s program, a major DI school in one of the better conferences, was because one day the coach called for a huddle and said

“Okay, gentlemen, we’re gonna run this play!!!!!!!!!”

And one of the players in the huddle calls out

“No way, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t runnin’ that play!!!!!!!!!!”

Needless to say, this player wound up in a program where the coach was runnin’ the show.

And that’s what galls me in P1. Can’t you just SEE this one

“Okay, Guys, we got ’em where we want ’em. First-and-goal on the 2-yard line. We’re gonna do a double reverse left. We’ve run that play on Tilden for 60 years and they still haven’t figured it out yet.”

Gabe Salazar, adjusting his jock strap, getting the fleas out of his butt

“NAW, COACH, Go to Hell!!!!!!!!!! You’re just a sorry-ass comic-strip coach anyway. We’re doin’ an off-tackle right cuz the Tilden guys have a bunch of wienies, according to the on-going script anyway, and one of ’em said we only play teams that’d show up on The Brady Bunch!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna level Greg Brady into the next county!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlarks Win On Last-Second Field Goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told Coach Kaz that if we pulled off that slant left one more time that we were going to meet behind the dumpster.”

 

And really, this whole conjugation thing, Latin or no Latin, wouldn’t have transpired if the Tilden player had just shut his mouth. But Gang, look at it as an opportunity. They haven’t shut their traps in 60 years anyway and if people want the strip to continue, do you REALLY expect the Tilden nose tackle to invite all the Mudlarks over for tea at the nose tackle’s abode? It might never happen (not really) but I entertained the notion because Tiki didn’t have a place for tea for a while. Hard to fellowship over Earl Grey in Hooverville.

ANYWAY, let’s explore the conjugation of cheap-shot when you decline it in the future pluperfect indicative

I will have had cheap-shotted Steve Luhm because he forgot again to put toilet paper rolls in the Port-o-Lets at the game. It was no fun using my football program to wipe.

You will have had cheap-shotted Luhm because he could have at least emptied the containers. the stench had reached Tilden.

He will have had cheap-shotted the refs when the Tilden player cheap-shotted Chance Macy and the refs cheap-shotted Coach Thorp with a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty.

We will have had cheap-shotted this plot by shifting our attention to Nancy and Sluggo.

They will have had cheap-shotted Coach Shaw for going on another sabbatical when Chance Macy is hitting his stride. This will not have had cheap-shotted any surprise but for once you’d like Coach Shaw to be there for the Championship ceremonies.

 

And as long as Gabe “Coach de facto” Salazar is wearing the headset because Gil wiped his butt with his own cuz Luhm forgot to install Charmin, could we have had at least cheap-shotted (i.e., removed)  those Lego blocks that shine at the most inopportune time? Nothing is more annoying than watching one of the players take charge when those rays of Toys ‘R’ Us are beaming on Mutiny on the Bounty. I am a horrible artist (my niece is the one that can draw, trust me, several exhibits along the Esplanade in our city attests to that) but, damn, I can draw a square with circles in it and draw rays (A line emanating from one point in a particular direction infinitely, in case you forgot your geometry) in all directions from that square full of circles. If this particular figure ever shows up at the Transfiguration, I’m changing Bibles.

And then we get to the gerundive case. Perfect (pardon the pun) for what’s happening in P3 (Gabe will have had humped the Tilden player on the 1-yard line.) . Heck, the verb in its proper form has already been supplied, all you have to do is fill in the details.

I am cheap-shotting this abysmal plot and anticipating basketball in the future indicative, er, future.

You are cheap-shotting Gabe and telling him STFU and be respecting his elders (2 for the price of one) .

He is cheap-shotting Gil’s hair. It is in dire need of Prell this time, not VO5.

We are cheap-shotting Mimi because all she does is have verandah chats and coach 5-game basketball seasons.

They are cheap-shotting the girls basketball season because there WAS no season last year. Mimi felt cheap-shotted (hey, bending the rules here) .

 

“And Gabe really took a shot here. Man, things got ugly pretty fast. I know Gil calls his plays out of the comic section but this is ridiculous. We’ll take a break as the Milford General EMT goes to go get the stretcher. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyyy, I bought you something!!!!!!!!!! It’ll make things more fun at night!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coach Shaw is buried in his Second Year Latin book trying to conjugate the Latin word for “cheap-shot” in the imperative case

“Okay, here we go ‘Cheap-shoterum urbe Romularum” Man, that’s a funny way to say “Nuke the city of Rome” but if ya wanna learn the language, ya take the good with the bad. I learned that when I was ditching and coaching the team. Now let’s see here, ‘Caesar Augustus cheap-shotat Hannibaleris Montonae Capitolae Anno Domini-”

“Honey, let’s learn Latin another time and let’s learn how to have a good time.”

“Just when I was gettin’ to the part where the verb ‘to fiddle” was declined? I’m still having trouble with the accusative case. Let’s see, ‘A flunky cheap-shotted Nero with his violin-”

“Put the book in the Saturday Evening Post rack and take this pill and this glass of water.”

“Man, it looks like a Contac. Woman, I ain’t got no snot up my nose. What are you tryin’ to do, put me to sleep so you can catch my significant other off guard? Have sex while I’m in La La Land?”

“Just try it and see what happens. I didn’t just want to give you pills like these other sex clinics. Once you swallow this one, there’s a time-release that’s supposed to really get you aroused.”

“Woman, you tried doing that with Flintstones Chewables and I wound up worse than a kid eatin’ Twinkies. I was bouncin’ off the walls for 3 days and I was still flatter than a pancake. What makes you think THIS will work?”

“Honey, just try it. FOR ME?”

“Oh, all right.”

 

“OMG. Whatever they got out of Milford Creek got me goin’ like Jumpin’ Jack Flash. I’d never gotten so horny in all my life. It just hit me like a ton of bricks and next thing you know we were having sex just about anywhere. You name it, we were doin’ it. It was a little tight at the top of the Statue of Liberty but visitation was slow so we managed. Bribing security helped. And we had to watch the piranhas in the Amazon but we stayed near the shallow waters, no problem.

Yes, you men should take the cue and special-order these tablets that’ll get you higher than Gil’s hair. And with the coupon that you should be getting in the mail anyday now, that’s even more of a reason to conquer your erectile problems once and for all. Conquering that and your woman never felt so good. Get your own time-release from Milford Men’s Clinic and you can pump your woman and watch for sharks in the ocean too. Greatest feeling in the world. Check it out at The Clinic today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

All right, Gang. Cheap-shot away. I still gotta do some more work on the genitive case. Hmmmmmm “The Cheap-shottedness of Gil Thorp’s grandma…”

 

“We will cheap-shot the fish by the river, they will cheap-shot the thugs under the bridge…”

“Gil, come to bed.”

3 Comments »

  1. Let’s see….#66 will get flagged by the homer refs and either ejected from game or benched by Gil, the other team will then win the game, and bitch-ass Chet will blame everything on Chance for being too much of a chicken-shit to take care of his own problems with opposing players (even though Ruh-Roh wouldn’t have probably done anything either if it was him taking the cheap shots)…am I in the ballpark here? Far-fetched? Sure, it is, but with the history of how other R&W stories play out, then I think it’s very possible.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 1, 2019 @ 7:15 am

  2. Let’s have an all out brawl as the Ducky boys appear out of the mysterious fog. Gil can bob for apples in the rotgut spiked Gatorade. I don’t see Chet kicking Ducky boy ass like the kids father in the Wanderers but let’s play along.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 1, 2019 @ 8:14 am

  3. Look at the grim visage of #66 in panel two while Salazar countermands #15. He knows what’s coming and the damage that will be, indeed has already been, done in his role as a goon. The rest of the team, even the narration box, just saw him as a big guard and, at this rate, perhaps that was all he ever would be. Nevermind, there is a job to be done and he knows that, rightly or wrongly, it is his lot to carry out the brutal task.

    Apropos of something:

    Comment by timbuys — October 1, 2019 @ 8:15 pm


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