This Week in Milford

October 10, 2019

I Never Get Blowtop Mad On The First Date.

Filed under: ?, football, Just plain sad, Pissy faced minor character, shadow figures, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:21 am

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Chet and Charlie discuss the game with Chet at full speed singing the praises of Charlie’s game. Charlie takes the high road, thinking of the TEAM first. Don’t that beat all.

Gang, let me first off announce that those of you with kids who play sports or are thinking of playing sports, your career, win, lose, or draw, will go a lot smoother and happier if you encourage your son or daughter to put the TEAM first. He or she will be on more teams that way. You’ve helped your chances anyway.

When I was encouraging my nephew, the Chet’s of this world were the loneliest creatures on the planet. They were in a lawn chair or in the bleachers all by themselves. They were the ones who talked about how their son scored 45 points and the coach sat him on the bench. What Chet WON’T tell you is the team lost, his son allowed his man to torch him for 47 points, and he blew the lay-up that would have won the game. Chet has selective memory.

THEREFORE, don’t do what Chet is doing in P1, in other words. Chet is myopic in relation to Milford Mudlark football. Did he bring his Texas Instrument TI-30 calculator when he computed the average? I don’t know if that one has a slide rule or a metric equivalent. I’m curious to see what his yards per carry efficiency on 3rd downs was in meters. And does it have a graphing function. Chet, you better double-check to see if his stock is rising, literally. If it stalls right about when the linear function crosses the y-graph, I’d worry. Coach might bench him. The first-stringers are always in the first quadrant.

Really, where DID Chet get that info? Okay, the calculator but did he slip a steno pad past the turnstiles and after he put all his coins and handgun in the tray so the metal detector wouldn’t play the Mudlark Fight Song? Chet, as long as you were going to write facts and figures on your pad, write down another figure, when you think of it, of course: The final score.

I understand steno pads at Office Supply sell briskly on that concept.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Leads Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League In Yards Per Catch Clutch Efficiency On Second Down With A 5.4 Greatest Common Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It woulda been higher but some safety ripped my shorts off when he grabbed the flag so they called back my TD run.”

 

Ok, kiddies, we have a special nursery rhyme that beats “3 Blind Mice” and “Jack and Jill” the way Tilden beat Milford, sneak up on you then have a sense of urgency when the script forgot to print the score up until the last 30 seconds

Chet and Charlie

Rode on their Harley

To practice at the football field

 

Gil wasn’t coaching

Kaz went poaching

Chet’s beard had lost its appeal

 

So did his overbearing demeanor but I couldn’t fit that in the nursery rhyme and couldn’t find something that rhymes with “Step-parent needs to get a life.”

 

And don’t get me wrong. Your kid has to have fun and has to enjoy the sport and that has to be the #1 priority. If you win, that goes at the bottom of the list. Sure, losing sucks and winning IS a priority but a BOTTOM priority.

That said, avoid clubhouse lawyers like Chet. Believe me, if your kid is in involved in sports, you’ll run into them. One reason why I think “Ball Four” by Jim Bouton is a waste of time is that he spends a lot of time talking about his individual performance and not about the TEAM performance. Check out the appendix in the back. It is nothing but Jim statistics which is understandable but they’re slanted so that everything’s about Jim and NOT the team. I give every book a chance. This book blew its own because if you want the TEAM to win, you really can’t have the mindset of this book. And Pete Rose, BTW, was not always popular, being a fierce competitor will do that. And a fierce competitor wouldn’t be taking greenies as alleged in the book. I don’t blame ya, Pete, for being upset.

Anyway, encourage your kid to be a TEAM player along with having fun. You might be surprised how many teams he or she makes.

 

I was fascinated by a town in Greece I read about that has survived well before the BC era to the present. Knowing that Agrippina, a public speaker in the 5th century BC who edited Pindaric odes and Aeschylus’ memoirs, came from the same town as members of Buffalo Springfield (or the equivalent, I forgot which)

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Remains Of Thorpolos And His Playbook, Not To Mention His Exegesis On Plato’s Rough Draft Of ‘The Republic’, Discovered While Milford Toyota Plant Works On Prius Expansion!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford breaks record for differential between 4 B.C., the confirmed birth of Thorpolos, according to the Anthropology Department at Milford CC, and the birth of Gil at 1958. Previous record was Dr. Pearl’s great-aunt born during the Second Crusade.”

 

Nice to see Charlie Roh doing his best Lyle Lovett impersonation. And Lyle is really the one who is the voice of reason in the present discussion. I always admired (and still do) players who take responsibility for the loss because when you lose, you ALWAYS look inward. It doesn’t do any good to play the blame game at anyone else. In sports, GOOD drives out BAD (believe me) and if you’re winning, politics does not play an overriding factor. Sure, a player’s parent may hate your guts because you’re a Cub fan (couldn’t resist, Robmize) but if people want to win, the politics are normally kept to a minimum.

Okay, that out of the way, Lyle is, take your pick,  transmogrifying into the pupal stages of The Incredible Hulk, is beset with a bad case of zits from all those Snickers he snarfed before the game, or this is a continuation of the Night Gallery segment, “Caterpillar”, and the eggs have escaped the sufferer’s ear and are currently crawling all over his face. Now some of you faint-hearted wussies are steering the easy way out by saying that Charlie, or Lyle in disguise at the Grand Ole Opry, is sweating. C’mon, in THORPIVERSE??? When was the last time sweat actually looked like sweat or they drew those players in the background so we’re not engaged in another episode of “Creature from the Black Lagoon? I bet once those shadowy lizards remove their helmets, they’ll be afflicted with baby caterpillars on their faces too.

And you can’t cheat and say that that’s Minnie Pearl with Milford Cold Cream all over her face to remove the creeping warts that are engaged in a parasite-host relationship. Charlie’s a guy, remember?

 

Chet fed Charlie

A whole lotta barley

To boost his running game

 

Charlie met trouble

When he farted in bubbles

Now his bowels won’t be the same

 

Now we get to the clinical portion of the strip. Grandpa (we think) Macy is trying to imitate Dr. Phil by spouting out terms he learned the other day watching the show while dipping his Milford IGA Restaurant Chips into the IGA Tostitos Salsa Dip.

What the Hell does he mean by “situationally mad”? “Blowtop mad”? Like us readers are supposed to know the difference. Sure, Grandpa, if Chance racks the guy’s nuts, it was because he was situationally mad because the situation, as in baseball, called for the aforementioned action because the Tilden jerk called Chance’s mom all kinds of names, unprintable on this Christian website. If the Tilden jerk said something about Gil’s mom and said she raised him to be an incompetent coach who couldn’t find the end zone even with a AAA Travelogue, well, it’s probably true but THAT’S when you get blowtop mad and blow the Tilden player’s head off with a bazooka. Gotta stick together against the enemy.

Gang, aren’t you getting situationally mad at the one-size-fits-all artwork in relation to Grandma Macy (don’t hold your breath on that one) ? The other day she was Mary Tyler Moore who was married to Rob Petrie. He couldn’t trip over the ottoman because Gil was desperate and had to use it as a blocking dummy. School budget cutbacks, y’know. Anyway, MTM got her glasses courtesy of the Buy One Get The Second One 1/2 Price (Canadian dollars accepted) . Today, she’s the female member of Fairport Convention. Yeah, groovy,  man, #53 is way out, like in Mudlarkland. A real square. Don’t let him upset you, Chance. Instant karma will run his ass over. Just look what that semi did to Booby’s friend. Booby got his.

And I think it is the neatest trick in the book for Grandpa Jones/Walton/Macy to throw his voice and let his forehead to do all the talking. The Tilden Jerk couldn’t do that out of his butt and not use Charmin. Pity.

 

If ya git pig doo-doo all over yore face cuz ya won first prize at the Hog-Callin’ portion of the Milford County Fair Pig Exhibit Expo ’19 cuz yore voice proved ta be a little too irresistable ta Miz Piggy and the rest of her Yorkshire clan, ya might be a redneck.

 

“My God, Fred!!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Ethyl’s got a spheroid lodged in her skull!!!!!!!!! And who’s that giant out there walking off with Uncle Morton in his casket?”

“Hell with Uncle Morton!!!!!!!!! He owed me money anyway!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Folks, it was a Nightmare on Elm Street until I called The Shark. Then It Was a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had real money coming in and he didn’t have to rely on angels or the Milford Civitan Club to wheel it in. We could lower our aunt and uncle 6 feet under, knowing we had money in our pockets. Joe even paid for the funeral programs at Milford Funeral Solutions. What a swell guy.”

“You heard it from Fred Snerdley. When creepy people who should not be ordering Bucket Shish Kabob from the menu, let alone walking the streets of Milford toting Gil’s grandfather, it is time to act. Tall Man may have thrown one spheroid missile too many at the Tilden Jerk, but decent people like Fred Snerdley need to be justly compensated when the Tall Man barges in on the Nude Swimming Party. Granted, Aunt Ethyl looked unsightly in her birthday suit.  What 93-year-old doesn’t? She still should have been spared the weaponry and I proved that by fighting the insurance companies when Mr. Snerdley made a claim. And the Tall Man will have to loosen his checkbook to the tune of $4, 739, 023, 912. If he can afford to carry corpses around, he’s got the money.”

“I was able to fix the cracks in the pool and clean the blood stains on the diving board. And I can put away some for my grandkids to attend Milford Community College. My grandson wants to be a sanitation engineer. The rest I put in escrow. Thanks, Shark.”

“Sounds like a happy ending to me. Get your own Flintstones happy ending, where that tuba is really blaring, and call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Insurance companies are hard at work hauling caskets on the Santa Fe Trail. Don’t let them beat you to Oklahoma. Get the money you deserve so you can play “Home on the Range” on your tuba in the evening. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Time to go to work, Gang. If you need me, I’ll be at the Grand Ole Opry. I want to get there early so I can get a front row seat for the Lyle Lovett concert. I understand Gil is the opening act. I thought his comedy died the way Aunt Ethyl did. Guess not.

 

Chet lectured Charlie

His hair was Bob Marley

But, Chet, my running 4 TD’s settled all bets

 

Better stay humble

You coughed up 2 fumbles

And DAMMIT QUIT CALLING ME CHET

 

At The Bucket drive-in area

“May I (swoooooshhhh) take your (swiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhh) order?”

CRACKLE

“Uh, yeah, I’ll have the Bucket Triple Cheeseburger, no onions or pickles, an order of fries, and-what do you want?-she’ll have the Bucket Pork Rib Sandwich, extra cayenne, and a Tub o’ Bucket Buffalo Fries-)

“(swwwwoooooooshhhh, crackle crackle) Ya want somethin’ ta drink (swiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhhhh) ?

CRACKLE

“Yeah, give us-

SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM

“What’s WRONG”

“What is Coach Thorp doing, climbing out of your trunk!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No idea. Oh, hey, Coach. Sorry about that clipping. Coach Kaz will work on it tomorr-

BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

9 Comments »

  1. GET THE PARENTS OFF THE FIELD! Gil has lost total control. Get the candy ass players in the locker room and say something half noteworthy, Gil! Let the parents talk the kids at home. You schmuck!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 10, 2019 @ 8:55 am

  2. I’m trying to grasp situationally mad (Jersey Shore barfight?) vs blowtop mad (HULK SMASH?) but really, something that was over in one punch/panel/second doesn’t seem to have been a big deal.

    Comment by Downpuppy (@Downpuppy) — October 10, 2019 @ 9:09 am

  3. And #53 got into Chance’s head faster than how HvB made Chet cave last summer. Nice coaching Gil. Nice coaching Bob.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 10, 2019 @ 9:41 am

  4. Looks to me more like sloppy refereeing. 53 white cheap-shotted 20 red repeatedly, and despite objections from Mfnrd coaches, the refs did not act. Chance’s teammates had to retaliate themselves, and when that was not enough, ok, he was pissed. Anybody would be, but his explosion was proportionate and defensible. An Art Donovan or a Sam Huff would have removed the guy’s head. Whigrub is telling us that Chance has a history of poor anger management, but this is a poor illustration of it.

    Comment by vaganova — October 10, 2019 @ 2:33 pm

  5. I was a TI-86 man myself back in the day.

    No one can prove to me that the hand on Chance’s shoulder belongs to anyone depicted in panel three.

    Comment by timbuys — October 10, 2019 @ 6:10 pm

  6. Could be Chance’s own right hand, but the other possibilities are OOQ (out of the question.)

    Comment by vaganova — October 11, 2019 @ 6:52 am

  7. “Fierce competitors” like Pete Rose wouldn’t have chewed a mouthful of greenies before every game despite the fact that it wasn’t really illegal back then and literally everyone in the 1970-80s was using them??

    That’s news to me…

    FWIW, the 1986 Mets famously started their gameday with a giant pot of amphetamine-laced coffee in the clubhouse…

    Comment by Hitorque — October 11, 2019 @ 11:33 am

  8. P 4: “…because if you were “blowtop mad”, I would have to chain you up in the basement again with no food and water for a week…think about that, young man, the next time you get mad…”

    Comment by franku2016 — October 11, 2019 @ 1:01 pm

  9. Great discussion, Gang. I thought you all addressed the situation with a keen eye towards the reality of kids’ sports, among other issues as well. I got a lot out of what you all said.
    Vaganova, you stood out among the group and I always appreciate your insights on my post. They keep things hopping, My Man.

    Hitorque, your points are WELL-taken but I have to respectfully disagree. I was not a Pete Rose fan and anybody back in the ’70’s who remembers the Big Red Machine knows how much, if you weren’t a Reds fan, you just DESPISED the Big Red Machine because they always found a way to win. One year, one DJ joked before the 1976 All Star Game “tonight the American League will take on the Cincinnati Reds”. That’s how talent-laden they were and how well-respected they were. And again, no lead was EVER safe against them. Unless it was 15-1 in the 9th inning against them, you looked over your shoulder. Even then, they might scratch out 4-5 runs to make it, say, 15-5, as if to say, “you might have gotten us tonight but there’s always tomorrow and 161 more games”. You just feared them.
    That said, Pete Rose made many enemies because of his confrontational style on the field. Off the field, he was the nicest guy on the planet. Excellent with fans and the media, he spent HOURS signing autographs. On the field, it was a different story. They didn’t call him “Charlie Hustle” for nothing. He went at one speed around the bases and his head-first slides with that aggressive tone was something that showed up in a lot of highlight reels. Plus he was a two-time Gold Glove because he went after grounders and fly balls with reckless abandon.
    The perfect example of his aggressive style came on July 14, 1970 in the All-Star Game when Jim Hickman shot a sharp single into center field and Pete Rose, who was on second base, ran like the wind around the bases towards home where he plowed into Ray Fosse for the winning run. As a youngster, I was stunned and to this day it remains a poignant part of my memory. If you played 3rd base, you had better have been in proper position if Charlie Hustle was rounding second because you might get a body block while you’re getting the throw from right field. As Pete was quoted once in People, “I ain’t no damn girlie.”
    And, yes, I’ll admit he was guilty of tax evasion plus it was getting more and more obvious, based on the testimonies of SEVERAL people, that he did indeed bet in baseball, something he finally admitted in 2004. But I really found no evidence of his ever popping anything in his system. He was a health fanatic who constantly lifted weights and kept himself in shape. Like my dad, they both abhor smoking. To me, he really couldn’t have kept going for as long as he did if he was throwing things in his body. He won a World Series ring at 39 years old, being a HUGE contributor to the Phillies Championship run. It’s hard to convince me he could pay the price and withstand the punishment of a grueling season and do it successfully popping greenies.
    But again, your points are VERY well-taken because many ball players did indeed take that stuff when it was available. And I say that reluctantly but you’re right, Hitorque. And that’s what’s sad. I have always admired your opinions because they keep the TWIM site going. I appreciate your bringing out the reality of the bad part of baseball, and sports in general. We need to learn from it.

    All of you mean the world to me. Your comments and input are ALWAYS welcome and make Democracy and Free Speech that much better. I’m blessed to be in a Free Land with my fellow TWIMers. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 12, 2019 @ 10:37 am


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