This Week in Milford

October 21, 2019

“WDIG-TV Interrupts This Football Game To Inform Our Viewing Audience That Chance Macy Is The AntiChrist. Sources Have Confirmed That…”

102219

Gadzooks. It’s one thing for Charlie and his honey to be cha-cha-ing or whatever dance they’re doing with their morning cup of Maxwell House but as several people have mentioned, Chet Ballard is skirting the edge of disaster. He really is indeed crossing a line, obtaining information that is serving no other purpose than to advance his own end n his quest to live football through the eyes of his stepson. Chet could be facing serious legal consequences should people get a hold of this one.

NOBODY walks into a public building and just plows through somebody’s record, especially stuff that is more than likely confidential. He just steals keys from the janitor and opens the file cabinet? Then talks it through over Eggos and the new dance craze they learned at the Milford Dance Academy? Then the Milford School Board administers no worse than a potential slap on the wrist? After it gets its head out of Dennis the Menace’s butt and smells the coffee that Chet is slurping? Mon Dieu.

And we were getting good at this football thing.

From an article that informed me that there are 10 mistakes we make with our pets

#1-“Gil, I can’t believe that Alley Oop just hacked the computer without consulting the rest of the Milford School Board. Really, it’s common knowledge that Dr. Pearl has been using Dentu-Creme since the French and Indian War.”

Gil, teaching his giraffe how to fetch the Milford Enquirer when the paper boy throws the paper in the yard

“There ya go, good boy. No, don’t eat the damn thing. That’s what the apples in our neighbor’s yard is for. What’s that, Honey. Oh, yeah, well, sometimes you got to make it official. No sense in ugly rumors spreading out of control. And Alley Oop was authorized by the School Board to conduct a special investigation. Dr. Pearl was stuttering more than usual when she was reading annual test scores. Something had to be done. No, Fido, drop it on the doorstep, not in the azaleas!!!!!!”

#2-Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Elephant, ‘Ducky’, Stampedes Mudlark Football Stadium, Completely Destroys Dippin’ Dots Stand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I gotta get a longer leash. I wonder if Milford True Value Hardware sells telephone wire.”

 

And then there’s the background. While Alley Oop and his mate are doing their Travolta thing in P1 while leaking illegal contraband (he is, anyway, she’s jettisoning his blatant lack of privacy ethics just as quick as he’s spewing it while she savors the Folgers in her cup, best part of waking up, I s’pose) , those are either the largest prairie-style windows east of the Mississippi or they are interrupting the proceedings on Wheel of Fortune.

“Is there an ‘R’?”

“YES!!!!!!! There is one ‘R’!!!!!!!! If Mr. Ballard will kindly move his cheap Haggar slacks that he bought at Milford St. Vincent dePaul on layaway out of the way, Vanna can turn the letter.”

“Sorry, me and Mrs. Ballard will move next door to Joker’s Wild.”

“I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

“Go right ahead, Grandma Macy.”

“Coach Kaz Forgot To Feed His Gazelle Alpo Once Again.”(#3)

“You are so correct!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That trip to Antarctica will come in handy when your grandson gets blowtop mad!!!!!!!!! Johnny, tell her what else she’s won…”

 

Come to Sycamore Island in New Albany, Indiana, just beyond the city limits. A great small business with all your hunting and fishinf needs and if you want to get ypur license for either one, Jim Thornton, the owner, will do that too. The place also has a well-stocked pay lake; I see people ALL THE TIME pulling in there, fishing rods in their possession. And if it’s closed, peoole are constantly asking when it’s going to open. I always stop in for the cokes and snacks, and Jim’s got that too. Sounds like the complete package to me. Just head down Main Street West in New Albany like you’re going towards the casino, turn right at the turn-off, Corydon Pike, where Thornton’s gas station is located, go 2 miles until you cross the railroad track, go 100 feet and Sycamore Island is on your left. Can’t miss the sign. Support Jim and Co., where they ALWAYS know your name. They know mine.

 

And having been a coach, you do run across the occasional kid who had to have some kind of institutional care. Unfortunately, kids like that exist and you do your best to ease the situation. Really, the best thing to do is treat ’em like the other players. Everybody wins then.

Just don’t go Via Ballard, an offshoot of the Appian Way, that leads to a Field of Thorns. When in Rome, don’t do what Chet does. To be unearthing that Caesar Augustus was at the Etruscan Boys School and later collected taxes throughout Judea to finance their School Lunch Program is not only unnecessary and illegal, it’s downright pointless. Bob Knight was a HUGE advocate of NOT passing the basketball to the center, say Todd Lindemann, at the half-court line, even on a press breaker. That’s what guards are for, in Knightspeak. What was Todd going to do with ball there?Pass the ball to Todd 2 feet away from the basket and he can better utilize his moves to the bucket, if not lay it in.

Therefore, what is Chet going to do with this illegal bit of news? Kick Chance off the team because he was a lifer at San Quentin and got paroled? Make Chance run steps because his file revealed that he did time at the Milford Minimum Correctional Facility for shoplifting at the Milford Community College bookstore? Huh?

#4-If ya give yore bloodhound a flea bath and ya use turpentine cuz that’s the fastest way ta nuke ’em fleas and ticks but ol’ Bubba winds up smellin’ like an oil change, so ya switch ta Ox-ee-dol cuz it’s soap and won’t make his nose Quaker State 10W40 when he goes sniffin’ fer rabbits when yore huntin’, ya might be a redneck.

 

P2-“…he was assigned to a coach who couldn’t coach his way out of a toilet area on a 747 and still have Charmin left on the rolls. Went by the name of Thorp. Kid’s been at this school for 60 years and is earmarked to graduate the year Coach Thorp retires. By then, that school is set to establish a satellite on the planet Uranus. It is indefinite when any of this will happen because NASA has still yet to receive the proper funding. Collecting Milford Property Taxes can only stretch so far. City officials think once a bond issue is enacted at the City Council, both can graduate. They say Thorp is in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest teenager and holder for the longest period of senility. Gets that way during football season.”

Name drop? Moi? Surely you jest.

P2(cont.)-“…judge ruled he had a violent temper. He was a lion tamer for the Ringling Brothers Circus and choked a lion(#5), fresh from Kenya, when it wouldn’t jump through the ring. Apparently flogging it only made the creature madder. Motivational techniques like feeding it raw Bucket Burgers, fresh from the Milford Slaughterhouse, Inc., just made it hungrier for Bucket Banana Splits. Chance was not responsible for his actions. But he had to spend a night in the Milford Halfway House until they could transfer him.”

What’s sad is that Mrs. Chet Ballard is serving as a counterweight to Chet’s pontificating about the implications involved. Why stage the equivalent of a Watergate break-in unless he has grandiose ambitions, misguided as they are, on his mind? This mole, unfortunately, may never get to the surface(#6). She is just rubber-stamping that notion.

“I am not a crook!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Nixon, Sam Donaldson, ABC News. It’s well-documented that your grandson is on Milford’s reserve team. We know you’d like him to move up and Gil is only playing the varsity running back because his parents donated $1,000,000 to improve the Lego Blocks in the lighting system but…”

 

Come to Butt Drugs in Corydon, Indiana where you get affordable prices on your medicines and friendly service. I like the free parking in the back of the store so I don’t have to dodge the Indiana 62 traffic in the front. And who says old-fashioned soda fountain service is a thing of the past? Not at Butt Drugs. Good ice cream and good Cokes, there’s the ticket. Hey, and if you want a free pen, they have plenty of those too. Come to the place that has been shown on The Ellen Degeneres Show and has grown in stature as a result. Keep Small Business alive, Gang.

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to bring sanity to this spaghetti bowl. Who better than to lead us to the exit? Or exodus, same difference? Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought she could feed the anteater at the Milford Petting Zoo a bag of __________________(#7)

 

And now we come to…………………………………………………………………………………………….the rest of the story. Page 3, er, P3.

And Mrs. Chet, I agree that it’s really none of his goddamn business and as Vaganova mentioned, Chet could be facing serious consequences for just waltzing into Public Records and taking on the role of a Milford Enquirer announcer.

Then again, any of you old-timers remember when Carol Burnett tripped at a restaurant and the next thing you know, The National Toilet said she’d been drinking? And she sued as a result? Of course, the National Toilet got Toilet lawyers and, not remembering the decision, the point is she ran up against a wall.

Mrs. Ballard nee Roh, you walked down the aisle with this garden snake(#8) and said “I do”. Jog your memory in case you forgot the address of the Milford Overnite Chapel. If ethics wasn’t really his middle name when you and he cut the wedding cake, what makes you think he’s going to Do The Right Thing when his son is ridin’ the pine in deference to a kid who staked permanent residence at Boys Town? As Father Flanagan, the founder, once said, there’s no such thing as a bad snake. Just snakes that couldn’t cross the road fast enough to prevent the Roadway driver from running them over. Best to throw them in a cage with a heat lamp and plenty of mice and public records to feed on before they become roadkill.

 

“And that’s the end of the 3rd quarter with The Mean Machine leading the Milford Mudlarks, 39-31. Jim Crewe already has 341 passing yards and NO INTENTIONAL INTERCEPTIONS!!!!!!! Guess his point-spreading days are over. And Chance Macy has 189 rushing yards and 2 TD’s. We’ll be back to start the 4th quarter here at Milford Federal Prison Football Grounds after these messages. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

 

“Hooooonnnnnneeeeyyyyyy, I’d like a quickie, let’s have some funnnnnn, let’s-SAY WHAT?”

“Oh, hi, Dear. I’ll be with you in a moment.”

“Honey, what is a zebra doing in our garage?”

“Mrs. Shaw, I found that the best kind of fertilizer to feed our garden comes from the anus of a zebra (#9) . I read an article in Milford Outdoors Monthly where zebras have been imported and raised right on the farm to increase agricultural productivity. Shoot, them corn stalks were taller than Kareem after those zebras pooped in the furrows”

“Oh, I’d like to be fertile but I’d rather not go to bed with a hyena.”

“You ain’t gotta bring Mr. Ed’s cousin onto the Serta. Save the bed sheets for the kids to go as Charlie Brown’s ghost on Halloween. Just cut plenty of holes like good ol’ Charlie Brown did.”

“Actually, I’d rather get under the sheets for another purpose.”

“To go to bed with Charlie Brown?”

“Uh, well, let’s just say that if you’ll take these Erec-6500 pills, they will harden more than your heart. And I will have the time of my life.”

“Mrs. Shaw, I tried Pals to get my whim whim hard and it may work on kids but all I got out of the transaction was a #2 pencil. I also tried Robitussin, but the Cherry Bomb Flavor put me to sleep. I wet-dreamed at 4 AM. My erection came and went out of Dodge City like the Pony Express. And I ain’t eatin’ no zebra poop. I may like plump carrots and juicy radishes but I’m not that desperate to get it on. Zebras and “Love me, love me, say that you love me” just don’t jibe with me.”

If you’ll take these pills with this Jim Beam Straight From Mammoth Cave, I’ll let you keep the zebra.”

“Deal.”

 

 

“And boy, did we have the time of our lives. My significant other got harder than a zebra’s hoof and she was taken to another level. Only David Bowie and Major Tom have scaled such heights. And the celery stalks grew higher than Gil’s hair. I even kept the zebra. Stashed him in the equipment room in the offseason. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic today and see how you can grow your own watermelon patch. Shoot, you ain’t gotta let a camel poop to get fresh green beans or cure erectile dysfunction. Easy when you know the language. Only at The Clinic.”

 

It’s your turn, Gang. I’m going to investigate Chet’s background. I understand he got a ‘D’ in Spelling in 2nd Grade. Forgot there was an ‘E’ in the word ‘snake’.

 

At the Milford Germania Mannerchor Oktoberfest Dance Kontest

“And the winner of the Adult Division with an average score of 9.5 with their disco rendition of “Roll Out The Barrel” is Mr. and Mrs. Chet Ballard. Where’d you learn those moves?”

“To be honest, it all started by the Mr. Coffee in the kitchen…”

 

“Kaz, who the #%×?€@£ ate all the footballs?????????”

“Not sure, Gil. Wasn’t it locked?”

 

10 is a lonely number

 

 

 

11 Comments »

  1. Chance Macy has a bad temper, Chet Ballard has a face that needs to be punched… I’m seeing a solution here.

    Comment by billytheskink — October 22, 2019 @ 8:58 am

  2. It takes one to know one. If snooping through the private records of a juvenile without his family’s permission isn’t bad behavior, then I don’t know what is. Agree with BTS….Chet needs a serious ass-whipping

    Comment by franku2016 — October 22, 2019 @ 9:26 am

  3. Chet transformed into Billy Mays in panel 2.

    Comment by nedryerson — October 22, 2019 @ 10:02 am

  4. Ok Chet’s a (whatever negative description under the sun). Mom just a little too nonchalant don’t you think? When did this stuff happen? Five years ago? Couldn’t have been that much more . Was he really throwing scissors in the 2nd grade and pulling hair? Seems like a 7th grade thing as I knew a few 7th graders in 7th grade who just might do that. Yes, Chet and her aren’t supposed to know about it. Now they do. So now what? Heads in the sand?

    Comment by Jive Turkey — October 22, 2019 @ 10:56 am

  5. Oh, for god’s sake. When I was in kindergarten, a kid climbed up on a stack of outsized plywood blocks as King Kong, roaring and throwing things. When our teacher intervened, he attacked her. He disappeared from school, and in couple of years returned a year behind, and later, in high school, played, um, halfback. The only thing I remember being said around school was that “Harry had a bad year in kindergarten.” Hint to Chet: there’s nothing wildly unusual about the Chance story. Now and then you find a kid who is just not cool enough for school in the early grades.

    Now Chet is making Chance out to be some sort of menace to the universe? His motives are definitely showing, and only the risk that Chance would be in hot water again prevents me from endorsing billy’s suggestion.

    Comment by vaganova — October 22, 2019 @ 11:28 am

  6. OK, so my dumb theory: Chet is way, way, out of control here. Which goes back to having all these CH names. Chance is (of course) fine now, but ol’ Chet is heading for a seizure. Trainer Rick Scott is going to have to bandage his head and roll him on a wheelbarrow all the way to the Milford Trauma Center. Everything ends happily with a trepanning.

    Comment by Drowned puppy (@Downpuppy) — October 22, 2019 @ 11:33 am

  7. The kid ‘was a menace’? So what?…a lot of kids are like that and then they get properly medicated and all is well. Chet could be breaking some HIPPA laws too. Get rid of this guy and let’s move on to Douchey asking Gil who the basketball starters are.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 22, 2019 @ 11:33 am

  8. “Master criminal of misbehavior?” Talk about extreme overstatement… I’ve seen fathers cut their teenage daughter’s first “bad boy” boyfriends more slack!!

    Comment by hitorque — October 22, 2019 @ 12:22 pm

  9. @franku2016 — I think we’ve long since established that the Milfordverse doesn’t take place in our United States… It’s some alt-reality where the American system of government has been supplanted with that of Communist Hungary, or maybe Greece or Brazil when they were living under Military Juntas

    Comment by hitorque — October 22, 2019 @ 12:27 pm

  10. @billytheskink: The word you’re looking for is Backpfeifengesicht.

    Comment by teenchy — October 22, 2019 @ 5:45 pm

  11. Y’all done good on the comments. It is unfortunate that Chet doesn’t have better things to do and it was more than duly noted by every last one of you.
    And Vaganova, as usual, makes a good point. Not all troubles kids wind up in Sing Sing and I grew up with kids who had troubled home lives that still grew up to be decent citizens, especially if SOMEONE took them under his or her wing. As I found out as a coach, they just need to be loved. I’ve spent countless hours with kids on how to hold the bat or catch the ball or shoot a free throw or how to defend your man to the bucket. Gee, it’s amazing, they seem to stay out of trouble that way.
    I stand by our TWIMers. Catcha on the rebound. Keep Democracy alive in the meantime.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 23, 2019 @ 10:00 pm


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