This Week in Milford

January 16, 2020

Catch As Catch And Pass.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:58 pm


So much for striking while the iron is hot. Looks like Chris put his lightning rod down to go take a pee behind the bleachers.

Didn’t Coach Thorp say several days ago that when the opportunity is there, you need to pounce (his exact words) ? Look no further than today’s strip to observe that Gil’s Experiment failed. That’s right, Chris Schuring is still in the mode that when you see 10,000 Indians at Little Big Horn, kick it out. Don’t be like William Armstrong Custer and force the shot. Some refs literally call No Blood No Foul and even if there’s blood, you’re dead on the ground with 37 arrows. Then ya gotta sit on the bench for at least the next dead ball or whenever you wipe away the blood, according to the Blood Rule in High School Basketball. Sucks.

Now we still have several strips to go and even Hi “Lois Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead With That Hairdo Nor Her Brother Beetle Bailey” James was getting in on the act and exhorting to not be so unselfish. Sometimes you can dunk with Sitting Bull camped in the lane and they’re not calling Illegal Defense. So Chris might actually get out his Zippo and light it up and reach Wilt-like numbers. Hey, there’s parity not only in College Basketball but in Gil’s teaching methods. It’ll come ’round, I’m sure.

You gotta be ready when opportunity meets reality, Chris. Shoot one for the team. As Knute Rockne once said, good players come out to shoot, not watch the game.


If yore told ta shoot with yore shotgun at Milford Fish & Wildlife Management Area even though ya cain’t stand to watch an animal get killed but natural instincts naturally kick in and ya atomize a squirrel ya treed with yore beagles and ya wind with Squirrels ‘n’ Bits fer dinner, ya might be a redneck.


And what is a COOKIE doing on the basketball floor? Man, don’t the refs call illegal debris on the court anymore?

Wait a minute, that’s a BASKETBALL. One that’s collected a little too much sand at the beaches of Mudlark Lake Resort. I mean, that sphere is chock full o’ chocolate chips, Gang. Couldn’t you see the commercial


Pillsbury Dough Boy performing a reverse slam, a Magic Johnson no-look pass to Michael Cooper for an easy 2, a half-court heave for tickets to sit courtside behind the Mudlark bench, a baseline jumper, a Kareem sky-hook

“And the best part is, they’re still warm enough to dunk in your milk at bedtime”

Quoth The Pillsbury Dough Boy as the obligatory poke to his stomach ends the commercial.

Man, that has possibilities. When the opportunity is there, you need to pounce, Pillsbury Dough Boy.


The night Wilt scored 100 points, Billy Cunningham was interviewed after the game

“Yeah, me and Wilt combined for 105 points.”


Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. I’m tellin’ ya, as I came in to pump my gas, they were moving cars in and out of the garage to fix and get fixed. Now THAT’S busy. And Bre was there with the smile on her face and the usual courteous service. Crystal and Georgiana are always great with customers too. Heck, when I was leaving, they were still moving cars in and out of the garage. Keep that business rollin’, My Friend. And keep up the good work.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name. The Good People at Jeff Smith Marathon know mine.


shiny happy people playing D

Shiny Happy People playing D



Keep him from the hoop

Guard him Shove him

Spread the D around

Chin up Hands up


Move your feet in step so he won’t shoot from 8


Ooooooookkkkkk, REM out of the way, Gang, doncha just love it when the Shiny Happy People are always guarding the Mudlarks like in P2? I’ve heard of puttin’ on your Game Face but stapling on that semi-smile is a tad unnecessary. Everyone in the building knows you have focus. We don’t need a Smiley Face to turn up the intensity.

But you old-timers, I’m sure, are used to players with happy feet and face trying to take the Mudlarks out of the offense. But with Gil displaying his own happy visage several days after a heartbreaking loss, the Mudlarks know how to match up. The other team seems to overlook that in the scouting report. Yeah, it won’t do you any good, Mudlark opponents, if you have a coach who’s made a career of smiling for the camera when you’re staging a rally. If the bear DOES bite you, you just smile, then bite it back. Little wonder why Milford has a winning record over the decades.

And it won’t do you any good to execute a Game Face Extreme (P1) so you exhibit the intensity of Godzilla. You may destroy the town of Milford by stomping on and smashing every building in sight but Milford still more often than not walks away with a W.


“Gil, our house was here this morning.”

“Let our opponents do what they want, we still have the Holiday Tourney trophy.”


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Condo Overrun By Them!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I need to call Milford Pest Control. They even ate my Maserati.”


And geometry prevails once again in P2. Baryshnikov executed that ballet move in “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.” If he can perform that coup de grace in those gym shorts the Madison defender is wearing, he’s got my vote for World Class Dancer.

The consolation prize is he still doesn’t have to worry about Chris doing any pouncing, not yet anyway. The minute Chris decides to switch into Dominique Wilkins-taking-on-the-rest-of-the-Milford-gym (dude could dunk, though, treadin’ lightly) , those gym shorts will get a serious workout. I hope the Madison defender has needle and thread in his gym bag.


My high school sociology teacher, Mr. Lawrence, an excellent teacher, BTW, made the astute observation in class one time that the average TV viewer had the educational level and general outlook of a 13-year-old. I couldn’t agree more.

But does Thorpiverse think he can take that one and run with it in P3? Just yesterday, Chief ‘Abbreviated Name Who Rides On Pintos was motioning as if encouraging Chris to shoot. That would make sense. Again, don’t be TOO unselfish, Chris. You need to show a little game yourself if you want to help the team win. Pounce on the grizzly while the rest of the team is holding the beast down. The opportunity is there once again.

But evidently Thorpiverse is ruining that logic put forth by Mr. Lawrence and insulting our intelligence. Some of us did graduate from kindergarten, Coach.

You don’t think we didn’t NOTICE that Chris is still pretty much being gun-shy, not that it wasn’t a pretty kick-out for a bomb that could set the tone for this game? Oh, yeah, instruct him one way yesterday, then tell him that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it TODAY. Just let that leaky pipe keep leaking. As long as we have water to pour in Mr. Coffee so that we can slurp our Eight o’ Clock Decaf, there’s no need to call the plumber, no matter how many times Gil and I have handed you the Milford Yellow Pages to get his number on the landline. I can’t wait for the instructional video to come out.

On a Jane Fonda Aerobics Workout

“Remember yesterday when I told you to sit up and down 1000 times to the music of Eric Clapton’s ‘Tangled in Love’ to  remove the flab from your gluteus maximus? Change of plans. Today I want you to stand on your head and pump those cheeks straight off the wall, music still the same. Clapton is God, y’know.”


And I LOVE the chunky bracelet observations many of our readers posit. That and the flying saucers, part of which we see in P3, DEFINITELY qualify for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Hey, I’d be a little leery if someone was chirping contradictory advice while a UFO was suspended over us and taking notes.


“Schuring dribbles courtside right. Down to D Squared in the low post. 13 on the shot clock. He’s double-teamed and kicks it over to Antonio Davis on the left baseline. Nothing doing and sends it back over to Schuring, 5 on the shot clock. Schuring penetrates, then kicks it back out to Reggie for threeeeeee…”

BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Whatever advice Coach Thorp has thrown Schuring’s way is doing no good here. Schuring seems to be pursuing his own agenda, much to the Pacers’ favor.”

“Gotta get after it, Chris.”

“I agree, Slick. And now Madison calls time-out to talk things over. With 4:55 left in the 3 quarter, it’s the Pacers, 75, Madison, 63, on the Fan Duel Scoreboard. We’ll be back in a moment. This is Mark Boyle on the Pacers Radio Network.”


“Do you need insurance but are living within a budget? Are you afraid that the police will pull you over when you can’t show your insurance card, let alone your registration? What if your house burns down after the toaster malfunctioned from an overload of Pop Tarts?”

Hi, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl. Some of you know me as the husband of the principal of Milford High School. But what you don’t know is that when she and I got married, we were unsure how to finance our insurance. Renting out a residence at the Versailles Palace wasn’t cheap and neither was renter’s insurance. Thank Heaven the pros at Milford Farm Bureau Insurance were there to offer a policy that covered everything up to the sateen covers on the bed. Good thing, I didn’t want to sleep with my wife on the couch we financed from The Salvation Army even if renters insurance covered that as well.

But Milford Farm Bureau Insurance also sells automobile insurance. And did it ever come in handy when my Model T collided with some kid in his Trans Am blasting James Brown’s ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World’. The company not only underwrote the engine overhaul, the kid got fined several thousand dollars for violating Milford City Noise Ordinance.

And for you business owners, golly, are you in luck. Milford Farm Bureau Insurance is headquarters for workplace insurance. When a factory worker fell in the vat at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises, the worker received Workman’s Comp and Gil received a check to recover piece of mind. Tighten the bolts on the metal stairway along with assurances of no more accidents that went beyond a Band-Aid, and the check was as good as in the bank at Milford Federal.

Come down and talk to one of the agents and see how Milford Farm Bureau Insurance can help you get started on a policy that won’t strain the pocketbook. You owe it to yourself to see all the amenities they have to offer. Me, I’m glad me and the missus don’t have to share the toilet anymore. That’s correct, even the bathroom’s covered on our homeowner’s policy.

Milford Farm Bureau Insurance. People who care and dare to show it with their great rates and service. People like you and me who all agree Gil should be run out of town. Well, they don’t have a policy on that. Yet.”


Thanks for your patience, Gang. Things got busy but FINALLY able to kick it out to Muench Man. God, he better make it.


Heard after another take on Shiny Happy People video

“Keri, let Jaime ride the tricycle for a while.”


Jack La Laine on TV one morning

“Come on, Grandma, I know I told you to run in place yesterday but today I want you to do some knuckle push-ups. We’ll tone up those stomach muscles one way or the other.”



  1. I guess now ‘Watha knows where he stands with Chris too

    Comment by franku2016 — January 16, 2020 @ 2:10 pm

  2. Nobody is going to convince me that Tom “3-Finger” Muench could hit a 3 pointer.
    I’m taking bets on who throws elbows first when Chris & Alexa go 1 on 1.

    Comment by Downpuppy, still (@Downpuppy) — January 16, 2020 @ 3:24 pm

  3. Muench is popular with all the girls, for some reason….

    Comment by franku2016 — January 16, 2020 @ 4:00 pm

  4. Frank and Downpuppy, you weigh in as usual with great commentary. We all keep knockin’ at this plot and it’ll be a TKO in no time flat. Again, great job.

    Frank and Downpuppy are two gentlemen who help keep Free Speech alive. Much as I’ve always enjoyed reading what they have to say, I enjoy even more Democracy in Action. Keep it up, Gentlemen.

    I am thankful for the readership who keep This Week in Milford thriving. We can’t slay Gil if we don’t have an army. God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 17, 2020 @ 7:03 pm

  5. Muench has lobster hands

    Comment by franku2016 — January 18, 2020 @ 9:07 am

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