This Week in Milford

January 23, 2020

I Suppose That’s Better Than Being A Male Gil Thorp.

Filed under: actual action, basketball — tdrewhardin @ 9:17 am

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It seems that both teams are gathering steam as both teams have collected wins recently.

But I say that with reservations. The girls team won because Cindy was tired of Jan hogging the ball and Marcia wouldn’t shoot the rock even if Marcia could shake hands with the backboard so Cindy decided to be Reggie Miller. When the plot has to BOOM BABY out of Central, I’m not holding my breath that we’ll see closure to Gil’s Experiment With Some Tweaking By Mimi Who Went The Threats Of Hard Labor At Milford Salt Mines To Get Alexa To Pounce When The Deer Ain’t Looking Route any time soon.

In other words, we still have Alexa and her avoidance to the rim to deal with and I’m sure the readership is just absolutely pumped to see all the ways Mimi can motivate Alexa. We’ve already seen Mimi use a fraternity paddle on Alexa’s posterior and we’ve seen Mimi quoted as saying that scoring in basketball is like scoring in the Verbal portion of the SAT. That’s right, Coach, I get it. If I bring 20 #2 pencils to the next SAT testing site at the Milford High School Auditorium, not only will I ace the Analogy section, because I’d hate for the lead to break when I’m answering PLOT is to BARREN as GIL is to ____________, but I can use the spare #2’s to diagram a backdoor play on your clipboard. Heck, you only use it to spank the players when they fall asleep during the huddle anyway.

“Here, Alexa, get the Bucket Burger. It’s on the rim. You gotta make the free throw to get it down. Getting fouled in the late-going to stop the clock never tasted so good.”

Mimi, I think you better revamp the menu on this one.

 

I am saddened to announce the recent passing of Neil Peart, drummer nonpareil of Rush. He could just flat-out perform. If he wasn’t the best drummer in the world, he was a World-Class Drummer. Just listen to All The World’s a Stage, Rush’s live album, and you’ll hear what I mean. He put on a clinic on that disc. And he was also a classy guy, very much a Renaissance man with a variety of interests. Just your next-door neighbor with a VERY special gift. This teenager used to sit for hours listening to you on “2112” or “Fly By Night”. God bless you, Neil. Look forward to listening to you more in Heaven.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Ice-Skating Duo Contestant #14 will perform their dance routine, the Rumba, to the tune “Looking Through The Eyes of Love, that’s right, the “Theme from ‘Ice Castles'” in the Dance Portion of the Compe-”

OH THAT’S MUENCH AND SCHURING FIST-BUMPING IN P1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That or Milford City Council has passed an ordinance allowing Same-Sex Marriage.

Speaking as a Christian, I am understandably against the concept. However, I also believe in Freedom of Speech as stated in the U.S. Constitution. As Voltaire once said, I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it. Me to a T.

That said, if basketball action is confined to a pseudo-wedding ceremony and the Rubber Band Man pulling down rebounds under the watchful eyes of several UFO’s, I cringe what the Playdowns will look like, assuming the Mudlarks make it that far. Synchronized Pick-Up Basketball on a floor Steve Luhm applied several kegs of Turtle Wax when he ran out of a pallet-load of Grecian Formula? I don’t think Thorpiverse will eliminate the flying saucers buzzing around but no more gray streaks at the free throw line extended.

 

“The basket is our friend, Alexa. There’s no need to be afraid of it. Now eat all your vegetables and you’ll see a picture of Dominique Wilkins doing a poster job on Hank Finkel. ”

 

Because I was quizzical when I saw a sign at a Chinese Food restaurant stating “Under New Management”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Developers Corporation To Buy Joe’s Cantonese Shack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“A spokesperson for MDC said a wine bistro in the family room is in the planning stages.”

 

Hand me down my quill and scroll

Hand me my notepad

You and me, we’re goin’ out

To learn skills from Coach Gil’s Pad

He’ll teach me how to shoot and score

And rebound crazy mad

Guaranteed to wow the fans

My game will be superbad

 

You never played the game until you listen to the Rubber-Hair Man

Can’t dunk the basketball till ya soak it in from the Rubber-Hair Man

The other team will lose control when they face the Rubber-Hair

Rubber-Hair Man

Doodoo doo doo doo doodoo

DOODOO

Doodoo doo doo doo doodoo

Dit dit dit

DITDIT

 

Coach Thorp, you tell your Special Project not too many moons ago to strike while the iron’s hot, not that that’s not inspirational advice guaranteed to make even Hank Finkel up his game from best 12th man in the NBA to 11th man in the same.

But all we’re getting out of it is Chris still disposing the rock to his teammates while simultaneously shooting a non-inspirational 4-for-9 and a P1 caption that could fit on a 3-place ribbon in the Milford Soap Box Derby accompanying the worst fist bump drawn by Thorpiverse?  Don’t let the sparks from Muench’s and Schuring’s fists try to jump my Sears Die-Hard, puh-lease. I’ll concede I’d try it on my model train set. It could juice up the engine on a cold day.

Or maybe those might be the equivalent Finkel’s numbers when Havlicek’s in foul trouble. Yeah, that’s it, lukewarm basketball but the Celtics go on to win. Pounce when ready, saith the Rubber-Hair Man.

 

“You passed up the winning lay-up?????? Go to your room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And after hours of observation, I can safely conclude a couple of things. First, Marcell Irby indeed had a solid game but, c’mon, if this sideshow-soap opera is to continue, we can’t have needless distractions such as this. Guys puttin’ up the numbers get in the way of guys flippin’ off the coach’s advice. What’s the point on teaching a guy to finish on a 3-on-2 on a skating rink when we’re bogged down by guys who want to win. Man, Marcell, go play for the Hickory Huskers.

Second, I know it’ll be an adjustment not playing under a tipi like in P2 but again, as Coach Norman Dale will tell you, the basket is 15 feet at Hickory’s gym too.

 

Once I went to hear him preach

At a gym outside of town

I was tantalized

I was hypnotized

At the dregs the coach put down

When I saw this lardhead don

Stretch a lesson to his charge

Hey, I laughed so hard

‘Cause the coach got down

When the rubbish stretched too large

 

You never broke a press till you heard the Rubber-Hair Man

Don’t know how to work the refs till you imitate the Rubber-Hair Man

Don’t let the game get out of control, seek the Rubber-Hair

Rubber-Hair Man

 

Doodoo doo doo, etc.

Ball bounced off his rubber hair

Then he deflated it and stashed it in his underwear

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Talkin’ ’bout basketball, yet losing time

How in the world did he get this job

Lord, help him get away

 

P3 just absolutely takes the cake. These are the premises for a Phillips Milk of Magnesia commercial

“Wow, Marcell, you had a monster game last week against Oolitic. What happened?”

“Coach Dale told me to go down to Hickory Apothecary and get some Ex-Lax. I was constipated from all those Bucket Crawdads I ate at the Hickory VFW Social.”

“Baby, baby, I like the way you shake and bake.”

“With X-Lax, I’m not the only one moving without the ball. And I don’t have to learn from Coach Thorp how to dunk while on skates. I’ll let the Bud Light Daredevils figure out how to jump off a trampoline with skates and do a windmill. Coach Dale coaches real basketball.”

“That’s my man. How ’bout a date Friday night?”

 

 

At the Milford Girls Gym at 1:00AM one night

“Oh, come on, Alexa, seals eat fish all the time when they jump through the hoop. And that was a good play underneath.”

 

“And that’s the game. The final score, Milford, 67, Oakwood, 54. I’ll have final stats in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

In aisle two of the Milford Beverage Warehouse, Coach Kaz turns a corner

CRAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH

Coach Kaz’s cart collides with the cart of Mr. Dr. Pearl

“Hey, you got your Jack Daniels all over my Gil Thorp Bar-B-Q tub!!!!!!!!!!!”

“And you have your Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage all over my Sutter Home Wine!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Folks, it took a while to sort this one out. Fortunately, both of them had coupons, so no harm, no foul. And Mr. Dr. Pearl didn’t get sausage patties all over his Hersheys Dark Almond bars so no need to call an attorney.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and while they wuz sortin’, the craziest thing happened. I took a test run at the laboratories at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises and the scientists confirmed that it was not only safe to mix a bottle of Jack with my secret recipe Bar-B-Q, that it was healthy and nutritious. And the response from our customers was overwhelming.

Now don’t quit buying Wheaties but let me tell you that Jack Daniels Whiskey smoked into our Bar-B-Q at our huge hickory-smoked oven that you could fit your Cessna when you’re doing business trips paid dividends. In short, the results were fantastic.

The melt-in-your-mouth flavors really fire up the belly and our customers agree and have said so through our fan base and emails. Everywhere from church picnics to company Christmas dinners have sampled the merchandise and keep beggin’ for more. With the profits soaring from Gil Thorp Jack Daniels Sprayed Old-Fashioned Bar-B-Q, I don’t mind people asking if I can spare a dime.

That’s why Milford Beverage Warehouse and Menards have gotten in on the act. For every Broyhill Rustic Design Commode or Kohler High Seat Curve White at the everyday price of $189.99 that you purchase from Menard’s, Milford Beverage Warehouse will kick in a free container of Gil ‘n’ Jack Bar-B-Q. No better time than to throw out that old contraption that your grandma used to flush. Why wait until the water floods over into your neighbor’s yard? When it overflows from a Charmin Floral Print, it’s time to switch potties.

There’ll be plenty of commodes to choose from up at the front of the store by the magazine rack and friendly salesmen to help you make the transition. And there’s free installation!

People, that sounds like a Square Deal to me. No better way to celebrate a new phase in your life than sittin’ on that new phase, sippin’ on a Jack and chaser, readin’ The New Yorker after a heapin’ helpin’ of Gil ‘n’ Jack and some cole slaw and mac ‘n’ cheese. Starving kids in China can’t get to a toilet, let alone Bar-B-Q.

Come get your own reading room and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

At the SAT Test Site in Milford High School Auditorium

“Hmmmmmmmm, it comes down to INCOMPETENT or IONIZED. Oh well, I’ll just flip a coin.”

 

“And Skating Duo #14 will be performing a barnyard dance to the guitar stylings of Duane Eddy…”

 

Thanks again for your patience, Gang. One of these days, I promise I’ll shoot when open.

5 Comments »

  1. There sure is a lot of actual sports-related game/locker room/ time-out huddle action goin on lately instead of asinine little get-togethers at “The Bucket” or some schmuck’s dinner table…I wonder if R-dubs has brought in a ghost writer to perk things up from the norm of the past few years

    Comment by franku2016 — January 23, 2020 @ 10:26 am

  2. David Mamet said each scene should answer three questions. I’ve heard different versions, so I’ll make it four questions.
    1. Who wants what from whom?
    2. What happens if they don’t get it?
    3. What are they willing to do to get it?
    4. Why now?
    And my question – when was the last time a Thorp scene answered even two of these?

    Comment by Philip — January 23, 2020 @ 12:08 pm

  3. Philip and Frank, you guys came through like you always do.
    Frank, I wouldn’t be surprised if Writer du Jour is the order the day, especially after the action seems to be more lively lately.
    Philip, a Thorpiverse scene reminds me of Goya’s painting “El Sueno de la Razon Produce Los Monstruesos”-The Dream of Reason Produces Monsters. You’re never sure what you’re gonna get and THAT alone can be scary(ha).
    I always welcome your comments, mainly because you both keep Free Speech right on a-rollin’. Keep up the good work.

    Keep Democracy alive, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 26, 2020 @ 3:58 pm

  4. […] in front of people everywhere you go? How exactly has that worked out for him? He had a good game against Oakwood but how did that translate from Gil’s directive to “pounce”? He hasn’t […]

    Pingback by Phoebe’s Electric! | This Week in Milford — February 15, 2020 @ 5:02 pm

  5. […] sees Tom Muench pick up Mark Godleski. So this is the beginning of the new plot. Tom Muench was name checked a few times in the just ended crapshow that was the Schuring/Watson, um, show of crap. Godleski is probably […]

    Pingback by Will The Mayor Be Ready?? | This Week in Milford — March 30, 2020 @ 5:35 am


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