This Week in Milford

February 6, 2020

“‘The Invisible Player’ Will Not Be Seen Tonight So That WDIG May Present The Following Special, ‘Mudlark Basketball’.”

020620

“I’m in my own world when I put on my football helmet. How to drive, draw, and dish. How many quarters I’m going to need for my laundry at the Milford 24-Hour Laundromat and Tanning Clinic. How much Coppertone I’m going to need when I’m under the heat lamp while my Dickies work pants are going through the ‘rinse’ cycle. What piece I’m going to change into when the pawn reaches the 8th square after I’ve queened a couple other pieces when I’m playing Coach Thorp in his office. What to do when Coach Thorp takes the name of the Lord in vain and slams the chessboard on Kaz’s head, who’s been kibbutzing the match, and says I cheated when my pawn captured en passant. Sometimes competitive juices go a little overboard.”

“I understand, but how do you use a helmet in basketball?”

“Coach is still mad from the match and the refs understood. As long as I had medical clearance, I was good to go.”

 

Okay, so for the moment, I’m going to pretend that Hamlet is in a mini-soliloquy and that he is agonizing through another “To be or not to be” phase, overlapping through Alexa’s own troubling phase. I still think we oughta go back to basketball and if neither one is carrying out instructions that have CLEARLY been stated the last 3 weeks, then bench them and get somebody who WILL carry them out, but in Thorpiverse, all the world’s a basketball court and players are the actors.

“O Romeo, Romeo, where art thou, Romeo?”

“Working on a pick-and-roll with Mercutio. The Capulets have been packing it in so I need to establish my perimeter game then hit Mercutio or Benvolio down low when Potpan is overplaying me.”

 

If you need a place to live, check out Iroquois Gardens Apartments. This place has been PERFECT for doing this comedy blog. I can concentrate because of the great atmosphere and great furnishings. Nice to hit the microwave when I’m running dry on ideas. Factor in a super neighborhood with easy access to a lot of stores and restaurants and I’m the luckiest man alive. The cost is pretty darn affordable too. Sounds like excellent living to me. Head to the office and meet Melody Bland and Haley Strickland, great property managers, and their friendly staff and explore all the opportunities that they have in store. You won’t regret it.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name. They know mine.

 

WHAT IS THIS??????? What does he mean “inside my helmet”? I THINK the implication is that he is like Simon & Garfunkel’s tune “I Am a Rock” whenever he puts on the chin straps, doing what rocks do, i.e., nothing to attract or warrant attention. Both he and Alexa would be perfect in a church gravel parking lot if we’re going to go that far.

I just let the cars go by, I wouldn’t want to be like the asphalt or the cement mixer and do anything to make a spectacle of myself. The UPS truck can’t make deliveries to the church office if I don’t hold up my end of the bargain and look stupid and stony-faced. Let somebody else sign their John Henry with the Etch-a-Sketch pencil on the scanner they hand to you when somebody needs to sign off on the 10 packages of L’eggs being delivered to the church secretary. There’s no “I” in the word “Rock”.

 

Don’t make me shoot

I only want to rebound

I am shielded by the backkkkkk-board

Mimi won’t get off me

I’m happy to draw a charge

I’m sick and tired of this lousy wannabe sarge

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

And I THINK Chris has been molded by Gil into one of those “Set it and forget it” ovens we see at your friendly neighborhood department store all the time (Wal-Mart, Target, for example) . That would not be surprising. Gil has been in a “Draw the play then go play golf” mode for eons. Don’t lay your Stouffer’s 8-Servings Lasagna in the microwave, then expect Gil to be around when the beeper finally goes off after 16 minutes. If he has been an absentee landlord for basketball et al. longer than the USA Basketball team refusing their Silver Medals at the 1972 Olympics, what makes you think he’s going to be around when the lasagna finally cools off so that your tongue won’t get 3rd-degree burns from the heat? Don’t wait for him to take the first bite or pour Lawry’s Sea Salt all o ver the lasagna. Remember, you have 7 servings, assuming you served yourself. You can always feed the next-door neighbor and your dogs.

Therefore, once Chris does indeed put on his helmet and sets the oven on autopilot, I shudder.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE???? AND WHY IS CHRIS’ HELMET OVER BY THE 50-YARD LINE??????

“Gil, the wiring in his head went haywire. The ‘Set and forget it’ button was connected to the ‘defrost’ function’.”

“Damn, and I had a golf scramble this afternoon.”

 

I’ve set screens

A buttock deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need for shooting

Shooting causes pain

Five-footers and it’s free throws I disdain

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

First off, P2 has to display the most obvious crotch shot in quite some time. Boy, if you want to learn how to outline the Golden Gate Bridge at Milford School of Architecture & Design, you have to take baby steps. Learning how to draw Felix the Cat’s private parts is crucial to the final steps in engineering the amount of tonnage the cables will sustain in San Francisco rush hour traffic. Factor of safety means everything. Watching Wilma Flintstone bend over when she’s loading the dryer ran by some talking pterodactyl will go a long way in doing a rough draft on the Chesapeake Bay Tunnel-Bridge. Sign me up.

Moving on from the obvious, so to speak, we are getting into the esoteric part of the strip today. Not sure if my Social Psych course I took when I was freshman will help me here but here goes. My guess is that she prefers Chris to take the center stage since she’s happy being a combo rebounder-defense kind of a player. Fair enough. I don’t know a coach who would not want a player willing to do the dirty work for the team.

And if this was The Brady Bunch, we would applaud Greg for taking one for the team. Never mind that Susan Willcox-Olsen (or Olson, flip a coin) a/k/a Cindy Brady is on the same roster. Pretend that it’s Co-ed Basketball and guys can only shoot with the opposite hand, unless the opposing coach raises any objections and then the shooter has to use the other hand the rest of the game.  A lot better than the Thorpiverse scenario which is possibly heading us straight into the Grand Canyon without a parachute. Usually if someone utters a remark that’s supposed to be pivotal to the plot and/or season as Alexa is uttering in P2, we are opening ourselves up (unfortunately) to a Pandora’s Box of possibilities. Bet on it.

She’s not shooting wide-open 2 footers because she’s competing with Chris for Valedictorian???? She heaves cross-court passes because Chris got an “A” in Trig and she got a ‘B+’???? She’d rather rebound than perform a breakaway slam because Chris was the keynote speaker at the Milford Academic Awards Banquet and she just passed out the programs at the door???? Recluses shouldn’t spike the punch, Alexa.

Stay tuned for this Brady Bunch episode where Cindy and Alice have to talk Alexa out of hiding in the hamper because Chris fed Greg for the 3-point play. I think you know which part of this paragraph smells of dirty laundry.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Heavily At His Condo By The Milford Health Department!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“I set the timer on the oven to 1 hour for my Taco Bell Liver ‘n’ Onion Limburger Chimichanga but got a disconnect from Milford Gas & Electric 23 minutes later while I went to visit friends.”

 

Don’t talk of offense

But I’ve heard the words before

It’s sleeping at the halfcourt line

 

I won’t disturb the slumber of Mimi’s give-and-go

If I never shot, I swat it second row

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

I remember reading something in my vast MAD collection where an article pointed out, essentially, that you should worry when… and the article talked about different situations. I laughed when one scene stated in the caption that you should worry when a player from the opposing team pats you on the fanny after a great play, then keeps his hand on your fanny the remained of the game, the scene showing the victimized player in consternation as the opposing player has his hand firmly entrenched on the victim’s butt.

So I am not going to comment today when Alexa has here hand firmly implanted on Phoebe’s 1) Shoulder Blade 2) Milford Sporting Goods Sportsbra 3) Dorsal part of an elongated collarbone 4) Sunburn from memorizing integrals in Calculus II and setting the sun lamp and forgetting it at the Milford Tanning Clinic 5) All of the above.

I’d be wondering too.

And before the season ends, the Milford Shuffleboard Society may be able to change the floor back to a basketball court. It just has to let the floor dry once the lines are sandpapered off. Sandblast it and forget it. The whole thing should be ready to go once our heroines are finished with their Folger’s moment.

 

“We will return for the conclusion of Marcel Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdu or Fast Times at Milford High after these messages.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy-byyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Mrs, Shaw. I’m still applying to Milford School of Architecture & Design. They said I can take a correspondence course at 1/3 the tuition if I can draw 10 crotch shots that’ll meet the Board of Directors’ satisfaction.”

“There’s a crotch that needs to meet my satisfaction and you don’t have to draw Johnny Quest’s you-know-what to get it.”

“How’d you know what I was drawing?”

“Darling, put the wittle pencil down and come wid your play thingee cuz she’s got a surpwizzzee for you.”

“An 8 x 11 of Calvin & Hobbes when the camera zooms too close?”

“Noooooooooooo.”

“Damn!!!!!!!! I was close!!!!!!! Okay, a crotch shot of Popeye beatin’ Wimpy’s ass after Wimpy ate too many Bucket Burgers.”

“Actually, Popeye would trade spinach for this anyday.”

“WHAT?????? NO WAY!!!!!!!! Popeye ain’t gettin’ my sketches of Pogo Possum, I don’t care how many Bucket Burgers he pries out of Wimpy’s butt. The Registrar at the School said I can fudge a couple of drawings since Pogo and Winnie the Pooh don’t have anything in between.”

“Honey, at the rate you’re going, you  have something in common with them.”

“Winnie the Pooh and Spiderman can leap from building to building?”

“It was time to put down the blue pencil and face the facts. I had a clog worse than the sewer out front and we both knew it. But the Milford Men’s Clinic saved the day with Miracle Rush 3500, a state-of-the-art drug that’ll unclog Erectile Dysfunction quicker than you can say ‘Hoover Dam’. Come get out of your own logjam down at the Clinic. Me and my wife have had several major crotch shots and you can too. Paradise begins when the traffic congestion ends.”

Thanks for all your patience, Gang. I still wonder where Alexa is putting her arm as long as caffeine is the order of the day. I love coffee but I always keep my hands to myself.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is actually about 2 persons, gentlemen I discussed last year. At the risk of rehashing, I felt their contributions were too significant to not be talked about once again.

Booker T. Washington and William Edward Burghardt Du Bois were men who arguably have contributed, if not the most, then a lot to the credibility of their race.

Washington was a very humble Christian man who founded The Tuskegee Institute, based on the notion that if the Black Man were to progress in the Upward March of Humanity, he had to learn a trade. He stuck to that notion until the day he died and it paid off in a mighty way. For example, if we sent a Man to the Moon, we have engineers from Tuskegee to thank, who contributed their part to see it happen. Washington’s dream was not in vain.

On the other end of the spectrum was Du Bois. He felt that a man learning a trade was limiting himself to bigger possibilities that could only be revealed through college, particularly the Liberal Arts Program. A well-rounded man was able to think better and handle the complexities that society threw at the Human Race. True to his word, he was the first African-American to earn a Doctorate from Harvard. The man was brilliant, Gang.

Whichever side you choose to take, please join me in saluting two men who have been a HUGE asset to the Human Race as well as their own.

 

 

I have my coach

And his assistant to protect me

 

Oops, better stop. I don’t wanna wind up in the doghouse over false advertising.

 

Why the Bulls were dominant in the ’90’s

 

“Ref, I want Jordan shooting with the other hand. No way can he get 59 points by being honest.”

“No problem, Gil.”

6 Comments »

  1. Today, the snail-mail pace of this story slugs along, as Alexa and her ‘bestie are gonna not devour the books for once and head out for coffee, but I gotta’ wonder where they will find a decent coffee shop in this throwback town since there is most likely no Starbux, Caribou, Gloria Jeans, Intelligencia, or similar type of place there yet. They will most likely just head to the local greasy spoon and gulp Folgers or Hills Brothers. And what will Alexa confide to her ‘bestie? That some guy tried to get in her pants with one of the most far-fetched tactics that she’s ever seen? That she now knows why she shits her pants when she gets the ball? That playing quarterback is actually easy? I just can’t wait…..

    Comment by franku2016 — February 6, 2020 @ 3:00 pm

  2. Yeah, this makes no sense at all…

    Comment by hitorque — February 6, 2020 @ 4:16 pm

  3. ! remember when I moved to Somerville & paid $650/month for a nice one bedroom
    1987! Soooo much better than 1986!!!
    In 1987 I had 3 progressively better jobs
    In 1986, the best cat ever died

    Comment by Downpuppy, still (@Downpuppy) — February 6, 2020 @ 6:19 pm

  4. @franku2016: Where will they go to find a cup of coffee? Why, to the Coffee Cantina of course!

    Comment by teenchy — February 7, 2020 @ 5:27 am

  5. P 4: “…and make sure you wear that sexy little hat..”

    Comment by franku2016 — February 7, 2020 @ 12:36 pm

  6. Gang, as always, thank you VERY much for your contributions. I like how your comments provoke discussion at the drop of a hat. Much as I love writing on this site, I LOVE reading your comments. You all mean the world to me. You keep Democracy alive and kickin’. That’s the idea.

    God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — February 22, 2020 @ 12:03 am


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