This Week in Milford

February 11, 2020

He Was Beaver And I Was Mickey Mouse.

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge earrings, huge hats, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 9:52 am

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Now let me get this straight. Alexa is refusing to shoot the ball down low, or at all, because she has these flashbacks of her and Chris on the playground and the comment was the equivalent of “Your mother watches Jeopardy! while eating popcorn with no butter”. Boy, that cuts deep.

And Freudian analysis, designed to get to the bottom of the problem by essentially talking about what’s on your mind and, for that matter, the first thing on your mind, is a wonderful concept and it has, to risk understating the issue, helped untold numbers of humans the world over.

But we could have been spared this fledgling attempt at probing the inner soul of a one Alexa Watson as she lies on the couch in suspended animation if Mimi did any coaching and sat her butt down when Alexa was not doing as instructed.

No, we have to play doctor at the coffee shop at the expense of Mr. Hart and Kingsfield and his tacky bow tie he wore while employing the Socratic Method so we can play contestants at the playground. I really honestly thought this was gonna turn ugly and the reason why she was gun-shy was because when she was in second grade, she was practicing on her Nerfhoop and the same demon in The Exorcist came to Alexa’s house to turn up the screws on defense. Get it outta my house, Alexa, and your mother eats Twinkies in Hell. Y’know, I wouldn’t shoot another Nerfball even if it WAS in the category on Jeopardy!

“I’ll take Nerfball Tournaments for $200”

“In this city, the town threatened to run the coach out of town because his leadership was in severe doubt and the Nerfball All-Comers Invitational was drawing more at the gate-”

BING

“Yes, Chris?”

“What is Hickory High?”

“No, I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Jughead?”

“What is Milford High?”

“You are correct. Norman Dale was eventually exonerated.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Ousted On ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'”

sub headline

“I thought Kokomo was the capital of North Dakota. I need to update my almanac.”

 

Then we are confronted with Beaver as if he had just got ran over by a Mack truck in P1. Now, to be fair, Gil coaches like he got flattened by a Greyhound (Mimi, Trailways, same difference) , but we can always check the sports pages in the local papers to get the bitter taste in our mouths. Watching our favorite team ride the wave to victory because somebody knew what he or she was doing always gives us warm fuzzies, especially after we watch Gil or Mimi smile their way to another loss. Being a milquetoast is a premium at Milford.

But what do you do with a boy who’s fixated on the headlights of Gil’s Lexus? Okay, so it’s Milford Elementary but, Gang, PRETEND. Gil is at the school during 3rd Grade P.E. trying to smile his way to more players in his feeder system. They gotta learn at an early age how to flash them pearly whites after they got their asses handed to them or they’ll never know what to do when they get their asses handed to them on the J.V. or Varsity level. I wouldn’t know what to do without the proper instruction. I don’t want to get caught scratching my butt after a loss and showing the oppponent I’m clueless and don’t know how to implement good sportsmanship. Thank God there’s a teacher who instructs me on how to be classy when I’m getting body-slammed.

ANYWAY, Beaver pursuing The Omega Man after he just insulted (?) Alexa and called her Deep Blue to her face just doesn’t make for Classic TV.

“Ward, I’m concerned. Beaver has been hanging around the zombies lately and yesterday they trashed Eddie Haskell’s house and ate their parents.”

“Nonsense, June, it’s just a passing phase. I’m sure Beaver will grow out of it.”

 

And I just can’t see it

“Nyah, nyah, nyah, NYAH, nyah, you watch Jeopardy!!!!!!!!!!”

“And Alex Trabek has cooties!!!!!!!!!! Ooooooooooo.”

Playground action and dialogue that’ll bring memories.

 

If ya is able ta answer all the questions in the “Specimens of Deer” category, includin’ the Daily Double by answerin’ ‘What is a white tail’ ta the “It darts out by night by the Milford Industrial Complex” and get the final answer  kerrect and win the game cuz ya know fer a fact Izaak Walton ain’t related ta John-Boy, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Izaak is often confused with this poor family who lives on Walton’s Mountain from a popular TV show that ran primarily through the ’70’s, Gil.”

“What is ‘Eight is Enough’?”

“No, sorry, that is incorrect, Kaz?”

“What is ‘All in the Family’?”

 

No way can I see this

CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL BECAUSE HER MOTHER SAID SHE HAD DIRTY PILLOWS AND COMPUTER DENTURES

Aside from not seeing Alexa getting dragged down to Carrie’s domicile because she strayed too far instead of shooting the easy bank as originally outlined by Mimi,

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FIT CARRIE WHITE ET AL BURNS IN HELL ETC. all on a sign that’s about the same size as Phoebe’s hat????

Trust me, this is NOT the rough draft of an Alfred Hitchcock Stories That Are Scarier Than Gil’s Leadership tale. Okay, Alexa, if you still wet the bed every night because you’re still having nightmares of Norman Bates in 3rd grade stabbing you and calling you Hewlett-Packard Head while you’re on the teeter-totter or when he’s a teenager and you’re practicing sticking your butt out on block-out drills, it may indeed be a personal demon to you but to the readership it’s like the Norman Crusade on a mission to napalm the Salvation Army.

You can get a second opinion from The Blob in the background, if you like. You better hurry, it may go outside on the verandah and dine al fresco. I understand The Blob ordered tortellini, Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips and some white chocolate latte. No cream, thank you, The Blob’s on a diet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PHOEBE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BLOB CALLED ME HAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN I FACE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“No worries, Alexa, I’ll have the coffee shoppe turn on the air conditioner. It’s vulnerable to the cold.”

 

“Coach Thorp sucks, Coach Thorp sucks, Coach Thorp…”

“Ward, he’s still hanging around with the zombies. I’d rather he hang around with the Mods.”

“I agree, June. Personally, I like Quadrophenia. Why, I hear Wally play Can You See The Real Me on the drum kit I gave him for Christmas all the time.”

 

Man o Man. P3 reminds of when I was a teenager and all the other teenagers at my high school never admitted watching “Batman”, as if watching The Joker boil The Caped Crusaders in a vat of Bucket Tex-Mex Sauce violated our rite of passage. Yeah, you’re too old to watch that campy Superhero stuff. And the chinks in the armor, hoo boy. I saw Robin’s crack while he was entering the window after they’d scaled that wall, having a conversation with Gil in that porthole normally reserved for celebrities. And they really didn’t hit The Penguin over the head with a Hillerich & Bradsby, I saw Milford Sporting Goods, Inc. wiffleball bat on the label.

And I could buy into that logic were it not for the fact that those uttering J’accuse could describe every episode. How The Riddler came in and raped Aunt Harriet while she was getting a perm, how Egghead robbed the semi on its way to delivering Bucket Grade A Eggs, how Catwoman climbed the walls at Milford Girls Gym because Batman was the only one at the games and it was a perfect time for Catwoman to pounce on Batman and scratch him silly so that he looked like roadkill. Slow painful death, you understand.

At the Thorp residence one night

“Gil, what happened to your hair?”

 

And then, of course, we got older and graduated to expressing remorse and shame whenever USWA Wrestling came on. Oh no, I didn’t see Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett in a Texas Tornado Match with Gil and Kaz. I got my pride. BTW, who won?

You get the idea.

So the next time anyone asks you if you watch Jeopardy! as if that’s what the hipsters DON’T watch, they have better things to do, such as attend Dr. Pearl’s staff meetings, swallow your pride and admit it, then look for clues that will display cracks in the system. If they gave Jeopardy! board game to the milkman while he was delivering sour cream and 2% lowfat for Milford Dairy, you caught ’em red-handed.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Lenny Wilkens, a VERY well-respected player in college basketball and the NBA and likewise as a coach in the NBA.

Wilkens played for Providence as a feisty point guard, doing it all in scoring and assists while leading the team to victory along the way. He continued his stellar play in the NBA but also became coach along the way, player-coach the last few years of his playing career.

When he retired as a player, he didn’t miss a beat as a full-time coach. At a time when head coaching jobs were far and few between for African-Americans, Wilkens bristled whenever anyone pointed out he was paving the way. Never one to try to send a message, his quiet and easy-going yet fiercly competitive streak garnered respect around the League from players and coaches. He had an excellent feel for the game, knew how to motivate players and where to put them on the court and possessed incisive playmaking skills. His playbook was a textbook on how you play the game, with an NBA ring with the Seattle Supersonics in 1979 to prove it.

Please join me in saluting a man who made the game of basketball a better product when he retired. I salute you, Lenny.

 

“We will return to ‘Beaver Was a Teenage Zombie after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“Is your toilet all pooped out? Do you find yourself having to use your backyard after dark when you have to take a leak so the neighbors won’t see you? Did you stop in at Milford Chamber of Commerce’s bathroom when you had the runs?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and if you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, have I got great news for you. The Toilet Sale at Milford Beverage Warehouse went over so well like stink on poop a month ago, that The Warehouse upped the ante and passed the poker chips onto you.

Check this out. If you purchase 2 bottles of Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream at the generous price of $16.99 a pop, Milford Plumbing Solutions will deliver an American Standard Premium Toilet right to your door.

And these aren’t little buckets of spit we potty-trained our kids with, no sirree. They are hand-crafted treated porcelain objets d’art that will operate on a schedule. With the Slow Close Toilet Seat, mashed fingers after a massive drop-off is a thing of the past.

And they have a more powerful flush than that cheapo Rural King masterpiece you bought on a budget. Isn’t it nice to know that you can flush it and forget it? No more Noah’s Ark in the basement crapper.

And the engineering is so attentive to detail, your American Standard utilizes low water consumption. It’s nice to have piece of mind that you’ll be imbibing more Budweiser than your commode consumes H2O.

And if you buy the whole damn case of Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream, Milford Plumbing Solutions will install it free. C’mon, folks, you won’t max out on your Milford Federal Visa Gold. You won’t see Aunt Bea getting the toolbox out of the garage on this one. Be like Aunt Bea and swallow your pride and store the booze in the same place where the honey jars are located on the shelf.

And there are those whose toilets are in mint condition so booze is the order of the day. No problem. We have Jose Cuervo at $11.99 per commode, I mean, bottle, Busch Light in the 30-pack at a bargain you won’t flush down the drain along with Tidy Bowl Man at $20.99, Josh Cellars Cabernet, a royal flush at $13.99, among several other deals you’re gonna have to check out or get off the pot.

With friends like Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Plumbing Solutions, why go anywhere else to blow your wad. Heck, they’ll even throw in a Charmin 12-Roll Soft Touch when you purchase $25 or more of The Good Life. Man, free commodes, free toilet paper and cheap booze. Folks, that’s Murderer’s Row to me. Come get your butt wiped down here at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you mean the world to me. But, admit it, you watch Pro Wrestling. C’mon, don’t try to deny you saw Tommy Rich slam Reggie B. Fine’s head into the turnbuckle…

6 Comments »

  1. Wow. That comment back in 3rd grade certainly was mean as fuck. I don’t know how Alexa has made it this far without developing some kind of eating disorder, substance abuse problem, or sexual promiscuity due to her low self-esteem issues. How she can even be in the same building with that punk is unknown to me.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 11, 2020 @ 10:16 am

  2. I’m really kind of enjoying watching Alexa dig through her issue box and realize how insanely trivial they are. Been there, done that.

    Comment by Downpuppy, still (@Downpuppy) — February 11, 2020 @ 10:35 am

  3. You’d think she would have been more traumatized in the third grade because her mother made her wear Mickey Mouse ears to school.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — February 11, 2020 @ 1:06 pm

  4. The Chief has a vague idea of how to draw children, so what’s Rubin’s excuse for retconning the Thorp kids out of the strip?

    Comment by teenchy — February 11, 2020 @ 3:22 pm

  5. Recycling yesterday’s comment… Today’s strip is so lame and uninspired it doesn’t deserve a new, fresh one:

    ***Cries in endless “Beam me up, Scotty!” jokes from pre-K to senior year***
    (But don’t worry TWIM commentators! I’m not bitter or psychologically scarred at all! At least I can tell myself this in the mirror… Sometimes)

    If this was somehow said in front of the entire school and EVERYONE started laughing then *MAYBE* I could understand her “Carrie”-like resentment and smoldering rage…

    But at recess with maybe one other kid listening (who almost certainly didn’t even know who the fuck Ken Jennings is)?? Nevermind the fact that out of all the horrible things she could be called, a state-of-the-art supercomputer who nobody was even going to remember in a couple of weeks isn’t all that bad?

    Yeah, this is twelve different ways of stupid. My streak might remain intact after all. I mean for the love of Christ — These days teenage girls get their nudes and homemade sex videos going viral at school and not one of them has managed to go full “Carrie”.

    As an aside, remember that dumb kid who got that dumb gag gift from 1987 playing those dumb gag noises and he was using it when that other dumb kid was giving a oral presentation in class?
    THAT IS THE TYPE OF THING THAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO 3RD GRADE ALEXA!! Because it’s exactly the kind of thing a third-grader would do, and yes I can easily see some very deep trauma of a girl being embarrassed while she’s speaking before her entire class.

    Comment by hitorque — February 11, 2020 @ 3:28 pm

  6. […] what bug Teddy’s had up his ass about Chris. It’s been six years shorter than the one Alexa had for Chris, so unlikely it had anything to do with Jeopardy! Did Chris pass over Teddy when picking sides for […]

    Pingback by Smack My Snitch Up | This Week in Milford — March 18, 2020 @ 10:12 am


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