This Week in Milford

February 13, 2020

Who Says We’re Stuck In The Mud?

Filed under: huge earrings, Milford Weirdos — tdrewhardin @ 1:17 pm

021320

The plot, as Teenchy shrewdly pointed out yesterday, detoured to the Steve Luhm Athletic & Convocational Memorial Janitorium and that detour is on all cylinders today.

And I like Thorpiverse’s choice of verbs today, ‘waylay’. Does THAT invite all kinds of possibilities. If this Pandora’s Locker were transposed to The Bucket, ain’t no way this TWIMer is going to open it. Nope, I don’t want any Bucket Octopus Triple Cheese Burger w/ Bacon, hold the mayo, on my table at the corner booth by the window any time soon.

Now if you have your Roget’s Thesaurus handy on the bookshelf by the fireplace, the one you got for Christmas when you were in 8th grade and never touched and now sits next to Cliff’s Notes on Treasure Island and Don Ho: His Life and Songs and How He Worked The Tourists, you’ll find waylay has several synonyms.

For example, “distract”. Not too bad. So the next time I head to the Milford Bullring and watch Gil about to get waylayed by an 800-lb. bull who is steamed that the plot is waylayed in the mud but some clowns contracted out from Milford Entertainment Services come to the rescue and waylay the bull back in the corral where the beast belongs, I’ll have a better picture of what waylay means.

Okay, how about “broadside”? I’m on a roll here. The bus transporting the Milford Girls Basketball team got waylayed by several bulls that escaped from the Milford Plaza de Toros.  Fortunately, no one was waylayed. Mimi waylayed the idiot who forgot the combination to the lock that penned the creatures in their place and was frantically trying to round them up, using Lassie and Benji in the futile endeavor. Hey, animals can waylay too. I saw Rin Tin Tin waylay his master in the Janitorium on a late night episode. And waylay can be broadly defined as body-slamming which Mimi did to the poor schmuck. There were bulls running all over Milford but Mimi was waylayed with satisfaction. Sometimes you get overcome with revenge.

How about ‘diversify’? Aaaaaaaa, not really. Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises waylaying their stock into long term bonds and not getting frisky with the market so in case it loses its shirt on Milford Foundry, it can at least have something in the kitty in the future, really just won’t cut it. Better stick with ‘diversify’ and leave ‘waylay’  for, say, the basketball gym when Marty Moon waylays Gil after the latter grinned his way to another bitter defeat.

 

If ya have ta waylay yore mother-in-law ta the Janitorium whenever you and her have ta talk about gittin’ a job instead of havin’ ta go out in the woods and hunt for the groceries when yore wife told her mother she wuz leavin’ him the next time they had squirrel souffle, ya might be a redneck.

 

Funny that you should mention the word, “weird”, Phoebe. I’m not going to go through another analysis of the English vocabulary but when we have to settle the issue in the Janitorium, “weird” would cover it.

Is THAT a Ten Commandments for Janitors that they must obey that’s attached to the door?

#4-Thou shalt not bear false witness against your colleague scrubbing the desks after school lets out

#6-Thou shalt honour your coaches, your coaches’ wives, their children, their livestock, including their asses, and all the other members of their household including their maids

#7-Remember Game Day, to keep it Holy and Sanctified unto Gil, for that is pleasing unto The Lord. Thou shalt buffereth after the contest.

#8-Thou shalt keep the toilets clean for I am a jealous Gil and will bear no stench before its time, remembering particularly the WC in my office. Renuzit killeth the stink and is sweetness unto The Lord.

 

I can’t remember the others, I had to jot down what I could quickly before the next bell rang.

 

Luhm does seem to stock a good game. I liked his pile-up of Pabst Blue Ribbon next to the Borax Tile Floor Cleaning Solution. Or is that Pine-Sol? Either way, after you’ve pried the chewing gum from under the overhead projector and wiped the blackboard displaying Einstein’s Theory of Relativity with those Terry cloths on the right, it’s Miller time.

 

At the Milford Beverage Warehouse drive-thru

WE’RE SORRY WE CAN’T FIT THE TOILET THROUGH THE WINDOW YOU’LL HAVE TO DRIVE UP FRONT

 

Still trying to figure out how Thorpiverse joined two levers with the pelvic area and call that Phoebe’s butt with a straight face, I am just absolutely nonplussed by her comment in P2.

What sports strip are you watching, Phoebe????? You haven’t noticed Alexa spilling her guts out because she’s probing why she won’t shoot when open? That the reason she won’t shoot the breakaway lay-up after stealing the pass is because she got goggle-eyed after a Jeopardy! episode and was the cow that got Circle W branded on her head by Roy Rogers? And you’re her best friend. You’ve been buried in one study group too many, evidently.

Not that I’m wild about what’s about to unfold from Chris. Haven’t we already determined the culprit? That it was Alex Trabek in the Living Room with a Basketball? That it was used more as a murder weapon than a thing you bounced several times before you shoot a free throw?

What’s next, she won’t get a hand in her opponent’s face because she saw Bob Barker do that to a contestant when the latter was trying to guess the actual retail price on the Whirlpool Set It and Forget It Washing Machine?

ALEXA WATSON, COME ON DOWN YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PLOT IS RIGHT

I can see why she had nightmares.

 

On a Jeopardy! episode late one night on WDIG

“I’ll take Civil War Movies for $500”

“In this film, the Tara was ravaged and overrun when the Union army came to call and Scarlett O’ Hara married Rhett Butler instead of Ashley Wilkes, Mimi?”

“What is ‘Remember the Titans’?”

“No, sorry, that is incorrect, Maureen?”

“What is ‘Gone With The Wind’?”

“Yes, that is correct. At $500, that brings your total winnings to $10,935. You need to get out more, Mimi.”

 

Don’t even go there with P3. I’m not EVEN going to try to decipher the leer that Mr. Schuring is positing with, we assume, Phoebe Keener.

The Evil Eye could run the gamut from “I want to get in your pants and the Janitorium is the perfect place to do it” to “You dare question me after I have finished the Freudian Psychoanalysis Course, complete with 8 Audio-Cassettes, that I borrowed at the library?”.

But we’re more than likely to get our answer tomorrow and much quicker than either team will return to the floor TO PLAY BASKETBALL, one of the raison d’etre’s of this strip. This better be good.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Countee Cullen, an astute poet and novelist. Cullen was adopted at an early age and became a towering intellect as he got older. His poetry displays his acumen, among poems such as “Yet Do I Marvel”, “Heritage”, and “The Black Christ”. He also wrote novels, though not as much as poetry, but selections such as “One Way to Heaven”, which I have personally read, further convinced me why he was a major player in the Harlem Renaissance. He could explain incidents with razor-sharp perceptions. In one scene, when it was time to go home t a church service, the elders flipped the lights on and off in the middle of a conversation he had with a fellow churchgoer. His poetry and stories had life down cold.

A Harvard student and deservedly so, please join me in saluting one of the greats in literature and who became a credit to all of humanity. The stage is yours, Mr. Cullen.

 

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of “Luhm’s Closet” after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyy, we have a date with destinnnnnyyyyyyyyy. Up to the bedroom you gooooooooo.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw. I’m installing these windows in the living room. I want a room with a view.”

“Darling, using a sledge hammer on the window frames just to see the Milford water tower isn’t my idea of the Grand Canyon.”

“That’s what you think. Why, when I get done, it’ll be a day in Paradise. And I got a great deal from Milford WindowsPlus. If I make a nominal minimum purchase, they’ll only charge $119 to install it. I didn’t have to put the second vehicle up for collateral. And we’re talkin’ Turn of the Century decor. Just think, I’ll watch the same things that Theodore Roosevelt watched out the window. And he didn’t have ESPN back then.”

“Honey, tell the installer to pack up his tool box and go home and take care of his own ED problems and come to beddyy-byyyyyyyyyy.”

“And miss out on what Mrs. Kravits is doing across the street???? No way, Jose. Turnabout is fair play. She’s been snooping on us and Darren Stevens’ abode for too damn long. And with 100% financing with no payments and no interest for 12 months, I can see why Mr. Kravits has his own Erectile problems. God, if I had to go to bed with a woman who spends more time spying than gettin’ it on with her man, I’d be camping in the mall by the Milford Men’s Clinic entrance too. Those Anderson Windows will make the scene bright and shiny. And they have a money-back guarantee. If you don’t laugh your ass off at Mrs. Kravits’ tankin’ it because the window’s too streaky-”

“Honey, if the WindowsPlus man doesn’t leave, I’ll tell him about YOUR pelvic thrusts.”

 

“Face it, I wasn’t about to spill the beans to someone who nuked my scenery just so I could get a better view. I marched my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic where their treatment programs are equalled by none. Now, me and Mrs. Shaw trip the light fantastic every night. We just make sure the Anderson windows are blocked by the curtains so that Mrs. Kravits don’t get no ideas.

Come on down to the Clinic today so that Mrs. Kravits won’t know what hit her.

 

Gang, have at it. You mean the world to me. I’m still going to try to figure out Chris’ Evil Eye but you mean the world to me.

Maybe he’s hungry.

6 Comments »

  1. “Waylay”?….Isn’t that a term used by Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck or all 3? The entire “..whatcha’ got?..” from her in P2 and the sneaky grin from him in P3 leads me to believe that he don’t GAF about Alexa’s so-called problems either. All that’s missin’ is some sound effects like “..Zzziiiiippp..”, makes sense since it looks like they’re in a broom closet

    Comment by franku2016 — February 13, 2020 @ 3:01 pm

  2. My one consolation of the past couple of weeks is I haven’t had to see Gilberto’s ugly-assed mug…

    Comment by hitorque — February 13, 2020 @ 4:06 pm

  3. I grudgingly admit to enjoying the use of the word ‘waylay’.

    I grudgingly resent that this plot has veered into the Guy fixing the Problem with the Girl.

    Comment by timbuys — February 13, 2020 @ 5:52 pm

  4. “… who sez she has one?…”. Seems like every fuckin body sez she has one

    Comment by franku2016 — February 13, 2020 @ 6:10 pm

  5. In today’s episode, ‘Pheebs tells Alexa to be ‘more aggressive’ in the hallway. This scene ends with annoying little ‘pheebs, stuffed into a locker, courtesy of more-aggressive Alexa, herself.

    Comment by franku2016 — February 14, 2020 @ 1:52 pm

  6. Frank, Hitorque, and Tim,

    Super job today.
    Frank, go get ’em, Big Guy. Your comments today were on-point as usual and they definitely deflate this travesty that is Gil Thorp. Keep ’em coming.
    Hitorque, Comment of the Day. You KNOW I always enjoy your High-Intensity approach.
    Tim, unfortunately, this is kind of leading into male steps in to save the day. Try telling that to my mom who rebuilt practically the whole inner city where I lived while hammering and nailing for Habitat for Humanity. You da Man.

    Keep Democracy alive, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — February 14, 2020 @ 2:51 pm


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