This Week in Milford

March 17, 2020

It’s As Plain As The Stubs On Your Face.

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 5:38 am

031720

We FINALLY get to the end of this kangaroo court even though P3 is leaving an opening wide enough for a Mack truck to drag us down another 8 weeks before we get to baseball. We THINK Gil is talking about suspending Teddy but anybody who’s been tailing this more than Friday and Gannon know not to hold your breath. Even with legitimate witnesses and an investigation that should have never been an investigation, there’s evidence to suggest Gil might be talking about Chris. We won’t know until tomorrow and it’s a crock anyway you choose it. As Yogi Berra once said, if you see a fork in the road, take it. I just don’t want the fork. Especially when, after being promised a filet mignon, I am forced to use that fork on a Banquet TV Dinner. Frozen meat loaf with pocket-sized mashed potatoes and a brownie that’s an art exhibit after taking it out of the microwave, no thank you. I’ll take my plastic fork and try to pry some of the blackheads off Teddy’s face.

Gil, before we go any further, I have a piece of sandpaper that I obtained out of Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet that ought to remove those stains that Teddy is afflicted with. I figure that as long as removing the stains you COULDN’T see, i.e., Teddy’s snaky ethics and dirtball intentions, was not high on your priority list that we might as well clean up SOMETHING. You couldn’t wipe up Teddy’s slime with a Bounty towel. No quick picker-upper When Teddy Met Chrissy.

And what’s this “Prove it”? We are required by law to look under Dr. Pearl’s desk and in her purse and in her wig for documentation, comb the Milford Public Library and ask everybody from the Milford Public Library CEO to the Milford Public Library Board of Directors to the Milford Public Library Director of Annual Giving, The Milford Public Library Lead Book Stacker in charge of Western Fiction, the Milford Public Library Union Steward (safer working conditions, no lifting of Mad Magazine boxes heavier than 70 lbs., coffee breaks with donuts and free Elmore Leonard reading materials after working 4 hours) , on down to the sanitation engineer (gotta keep the Ellery Queen Magazine stacks sterile) , consult with the students from Alexa and Phoebe to Greg and Peter and Bobby and Marcia and Jan and Cindy, throw in Beaver and Lumpy and Dobie Gillis and Maynard P. Krebs to ask if they noted any foul play (the PSAT test taker sitting next to you has sometimes wound up in a plastic bag in a ditch behind the school) ,call (collect) the SAT Review Board, the PSAT Testing Committee, the LSAT Steering Committee (as in “if you want this plot to drag on another month, form a committee”) , the AP Calculus II Test Booklet District Manager, and the Proctor in Charge of Distribution of #2 Pencils at the Milford High School Gymnasium for test scores to solidify evidence that Chris could perform quadratic equations without using multiplication tables, all to ensure that Chris, an Honor student with no history and plenty of the future ahead of him, is on the the level and when we FINALLY see light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel we should have never taken, we have to backtrack that same tunnel while using Habeas Corpus on behalf of Teddy? Gil and Dr. Pearl, THIS IS SCHOOL. Anybody who disrupts the educational process, SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED SIGNIFICANTLY IN TEDDY’S CASE deserves to be due-processed. What’s next, he’s entitled to one phone call and a free meal from the Milford Salvation Army kitchen? A trip to the mall so we can pick out his prison outfit? He wears an extra large and throw in a razor. That actually has blades. Call Perry Mason. He’s been known to acquit the impossible.

Because I don’t really know why ANYBODY would lick a toilet to prove a point about coronavirus

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Teddy DeMarco Arraigned In Court After Incident In Dr. Pearl’s Personal Water Closet!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She wears the nastiest dentures. Still had Snickers stains on them. They looked tacky on top of her Ban Roll-On.”

 

Dr. Pearl, do you always bury your head in the file cabinet? I mean, Gang, when was the last time you EVER caught her at a sporting event? She’s like Ms. Rizk, perpetually glued to her room. There were eyewitness reports that she was seen throwing out the first pitch when Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers, and Frank Chance were playing for the Cubs. Beat the Pirates in a rout. She declined cutting the ribbon when they opened up Fenway. I couldn’t imagine her eating popcorn and downin’ a Bud by the Green Monster anyway. At least Granny Clampett stepped out of the swamp to move to Beverly Hills. Dr. Pearl, I hope that’s not cow manure you’re stepping on when you’re filing away the Sophomore PE Final Bell Curve Report 1984.

“Dr. Pearl, I have a lug wrench in my trunk. Your head ought to be out of the second shelf in no time.”

“No, that’s okay, Gil. Sometimes my bee hive gets caught on the shelf tracking when I’m storing Junior Class Betting Forms. There’s a screw loose under the shelf above it. One flick of the wrist with the bobby pin and I’m free as a bird.”

“Sure you don’t want Barr’s Leeks to pry you loose?”

“No, it’ll mess up the coloring in my hair and I have a Valley Conference Administrator’s Summit tonight at 8.”

 

If ya file away yore marriage licence of all the in-laws ya done got hitched to, even the ones ya pur-formed without the services of a shotgun, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what do you mean GRIND? Like that came as a surprise? Gil, once you and Dr. Pearl extricate your heads from the sink in Dr. Pearl’s WC, you’ll find out that Chris studies and works hard and minds his own business. Unlike Teddy who’s a total jerk and already has a history on him. Dr. Pearl, I’m surprised you didn’t locate his record as long as your head’s been implanted between Teacher Evaluation Reports and Yearly School Bus Schedule. You and Gil ought to try Liquid Plumber. The stuff does wonders.

BTW, can I pluck one of your Hershey Bars off the wall? All this castigating worked up an appetite.

 

Coach Kaz enters Dr. Pearl’s hole after a Geography Teacher Enrichment Seminar at Westview High (“How do you get Funky Winkerbean to memorize the county seats of Rhode Island? Well, B. F. Skinner conducted a study…”) , home of the Fightin’ Scapegoats

“Dr. Pearl, watcha grillin’? Jalapeno Hamburgers? Pork rinds? London broil? Roundhouse steak? Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage? Did you remember to marinade the burgers with A-1? It’s got a little Jack in the bottle but-”

“Oh, that streak in the window?”

 

But I think a suspension is in order. (Banging head) Oh, I forgot to tell you, Gang, I was talking about the plot. I forgot we’re flipping a coin between Teddy and Chris.

While Luhm is implementing a crowbar to un-jackknife Dr. Pearl’s from the left-hand drawer at her desk

“Okay, Dr. Pearl, heads it’s Chris, tails it’s Teddy. Call it.”

“Heads.”

Coin rolls along the floor, bumping into Dr. Pearl’s pump and falling flat. Luhm makes the call

“Heads. Chris gets In-School for book-grinding for 2 weeks.”

“Uh, how’ bout 2 out of 3, Dr. Pearl?”

 

I think you get the message, Gang. Now to see who wins the coin flip tomorrow.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Dionne Warwick. I just melt when I hear her music. A six-time Grammy winner including hits like “Do You Know The Way to San Jose?” and “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”, she was able to perform and still raise her kids. The minute the show was done, she caught the red-eye flight home to be with her family. And she has two sons heavily involved in the music industry to show for it. Many people don’t know that her real last name is “Warrick”. A printing error while records were on the assembly line prompted her to keep the new name as she felt it was catchy. No argument here. A giving person, she was nominated for Goodwill Ambassador for the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. She is well-respected by her colleagues, including The Beatles and Elton John. Please join me in saluting a woman who’s one of the greatest female vocalists of all time.

 

“We’ll be back to see which gets yanked out first, the dead oak tree stump on the Milford Public Library grounds or Dr. Pearl’s head in the water cooler at the faculty lounge at Milford High School on Milford Believe it or Not! Museum Hour after these messages. This is WDIG-TV”

 

“That could take some doing. A Drott hydraulic-powered bulldozer operating on all cylinders to rescue a damsel in distress from the water cooler kept me on the edge of my recliner. But I always liked a good mystery.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Here’s a deal you can pull out of the ground anytime and you don’t need to go the dentist to get it pulled. The good people at Milford Plumbing Solutions felt that the promotion with the toilets and booze combo went over so well that they are extending the promotion from now until the end of April. You still have time to replace that jalopy that won’t send the shit through the pipes faster than to your liking. And we’re talking top-of-the-line equipment. No commodes on consignment here.

Want the Broyhill Royal Flush Supreme? Man, I’m amazed at the low water consumption on this bad boy. How I could piss me a river and the fluid still remain clear on just a glass of water just flat-out boggled my mind. And the good news is, you can have this latest in pissing state-of-the-art technology for what you would write a check on your kids’ School Lunch at Milford Elementary plus two cases of Coors 24-Pak in the 12 ounce cans. Oh boy, if I can save a buck while taking a dump, I’ll head to the Mountain every time.

How ’bout the Ethan Allen ’76er Colonial Special? Doncha just want to take your mind off things in the same potty our Forefathers dumped in? And because it’s guaranteed clog-free, George Washington was Father of our Country in part because he never had to use a toilet plunger. For a Ben Franklin and a purchase of Maker’s Mark Whisky 1.75 L, you can sit and read Popular Mechanics on a throne Thomas Jefferson sat on. Makes me want to write an amendment to the Declaration of Independence.

Does the toilet seat have a mind of its own? Do you feel like a crocodile is snapping at you every time you encounter diarrhea and you make one too many trips to the Nile? No problemo. American Standard Premium Toilet uses a computer-based system for that slow close on that seat every time. And The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm or a leg. Just a swipe of your Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union credit card and a grocery cart full of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc Lo-Cal will have the delivery driver from Milford Plumbing Solutions installing your new-found toy faster than you can say “Don’t get the runs from Rice Chex”.

But don’t let my butt be the judge. Come see for yourself how The Good Life and toilets are not only not strange bedfellows but solid partners in keeping customers satisfied and constipation-free. Get your own butt down here and sit on these deals and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, thank you for your continued support. You mean the world to me.

Damn, Teddy, you ARE in front of a camera. At least use a dish towel.

 

“Do you have an open-end socket wrench?”

“3/8th or 7/16th?”

“Don’t matter. Long as I can turn so that it don’t strip the T-bolt, I’m good.”

“Probably gonna need a ball peen hammer. I got in my tool box in my truck. Don’t worry, Dr. Pearl, we’ll getcha loose from that cactus plant before your bridge tournament.”

8 Comments »

  1. This tool has the balls to say “prove it”?…all Gil has to say is “…I don’t have to prove it son….I’ve already seen enough….you’re done here….I hope you like the alternative school where Tiki used to go…”

    Comment by franku2016 — March 17, 2020 @ 6:59 am

  2. Teddy, um, voluntarily confessed to obtaining & distributing a test he wasn’t supposed to have, and now he says “Prove it”
    That boy ain’t right.

    Comment by Downpuppy, still (@Downpuppy) — March 17, 2020 @ 7:05 am

  3. “Prove it?”

    Motherfucker you yourself told the chem teacher the whole story that put this whole investigation in motion!! Remember? Are you on drugs??

    Can we just fast-forward to a year from now when Teddy shoplifts the hell out of a local Target and the next day he turns in a shitload of toothbrushes, Hot Wheels cars, washcloths and canned beets to the police station as “lost and found”?

    Comment by hitorque — March 17, 2020 @ 9:18 am

  4. Agree with everyone…this jerk-off fancies himself as the slickest guy in the school who delights in fuckin’ with people who have done nothing to him, but has already outed himself as the perpetrator of this hoax. If we did a final-four type bracket of stupidest characters ever shown in GT, goin’ back to 1958, this tool-chest would win, hands down…

    Comment by franku2016 — March 17, 2020 @ 9:29 am

  5. Forgive me, I’m still trying to understand the endgame here?

    If this was supposed to be a ha-ha funny kind of prank, I’m not seeing the punchline…

    If he wanted to try to ruin the reputation of Chris/Alexa, there were an infinite number of better ways to do it that wouldn’t self-incriminate him…

    This plot is bad but I give it credit for going in a direction I wasn’t predicting… Weeks ago I thought Teddy was playing cupid and just setting up some stunt to get Chris+Alexa to finally hook up… But I should have known better since the teenagers in the Milfordverse have no hormonal urges whatsoever…

    Comment by hitorque — March 17, 2020 @ 1:20 pm

  6. I took a few months off because I needed a break from this tool Gil. So I don’t know much about this plot. Started reading again last Friday. Is Gil being unreasonable saying this kid should get suspended? History tells me he is.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — March 17, 2020 @ 3:25 pm

  7. @jive turkey. Gil is being unreasonable. This kid needs an ass whippin…. not a suspension

    Comment by franku2016 — March 17, 2020 @ 4:06 pm

  8. Gang, You’re amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

    You’re gonna get tired of my saying it but I live for commentary such as today. This stuff just gets the juices flowing and I love reading it. Nobody is shy of an opinion and Democracy is alive and kickin’. Keep it up, Gang.

    Jive Turkey, welcome back, My Friend. While I always appreciate the comments from the other TWIMers, it’s not the same when you’re not here. I missed you and you KNOW you’re welcome in my neighborhood. You da Man, My Friend.

    Gang, go at it with a vengeance tomorrow when Teenchy comes to call and let’s shoot this horse once and for all.

    Democracy needs you, Gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — March 17, 2020 @ 9:38 pm


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