This Week in Milford

April 2, 2020

He’ll Have Fun, Fun, Fun ‘Til Coach Thorp Takes His Thermos Away.

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, exposition comics, freak hands, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 1:05 am

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Well, he concocted this and he concocted that for a meal now

See, he forgot to read the label and the breakfast will over-congeal now

At practice, he’ll be puking milk all over the field, wow

This won’t be fun, fun, fun, oh please drive your flukey scrap heap away

 

This You-Say-To-MAY-To-I-Say-To-MAH-To moment is brought to you by Milford Dairies. A leader in the industry because it’s not only the only dairy in the strip but it services high school teenage boys who have no life. When Knappe is not throwing 1000 balls against the wall in his bedroom to hone his fielding skills, he is in his basement chemistry lab mixing Ovaltine and 2%. Frying Egg Beaters and Borden on the Bunsen burner. Thorp sure knows how to recruit them. Makes me pine for the return of Barry Bader and that’s sounding desperate. Bader may have been a wussy and a jerk but he showed up ready to play. I coached a lot of Baders. Leave your attitude in the bleachers and give me 110% on the field, no matter what the score says. I never had to tell him to keep his Nestle’s Quik in his gym bag.

This is just screaming for a Milkman episode (remembering from Nick at Nite)

 

Sent forth on a route from TV Land

Bringing truth and justice in our hand

It’s MILK-MANNNNNN

 

“I like this plot cold.”

 

One day, on the early route in suburban Milford

“Why the long face, Nappy?”

“That’s K’NAHP-puh!!!!”

“To-MAY-to, To-MAH-to, whatever, I deliver milk, not Langenscheidt German-English Dictionaries, c’mon, Snappy, what’s the trouble?”

“I can’t mix my powdered milk and water. The plumber from Milford Plumbing Solutions shut off our water so he can install my new toilet in the basement. Yeah, it’ll be great to not have to pee in the rhododendrons out by the patio but I don’t want to eat powdered milk out of the bag. Lay’s Ruffled Bar-B-Q powdered chips just doesn’t agree with me. Betcha can’t eat just one.”

“Y’know, K’RAPP-puh-”

“K’NAPP-puh!!!!!!”

“You say Lay’s, I say Doritos, listen, one day my radiator was about to blow in my milk truck. And I had a long route and would have had to work until midnight if the Milford Dairy maintenance guy would have had to come out for repairs. Then I saw Coach Thorp watering the lawn and that gave me an idea. I asked him if I could use his hose to fill up the radiator and Gil said ‘Sure’. Boy, did THAT save the day. And Gil could still keep his fake grass green as a leprechaun. My suggestion is use that garden hose hanging off the rack in your neighbor’s driveway. Ask politely, keep your manners in your pocket and your Carnation Dry Milk in your bottle and Milford Dairies will taste comme la reverie straight out of the udder.”

“Gee, Milkman, I never thought of that. How did you get to be so wise?”

“Necessity is the mother of invention. Gil’s been inventing stories for 60 years so I’ve had plenty of practice. Lotta cold ones delivered at football and baseball scenarios and even at Mimi’s basketball practices. Sometimes her stories get stuck in the mud and I have to go on a lactose raid. But the satisfaction comes when she gets her girls through the 5-game season with still a modicum of interest AND no injuries. Milk will get the blood pumping.”

“Mmmmmm, mmmmm, Milkman, my neighbor said ‘Go for it’ and I sprayed that hose straight in the Thermos. Used a trowel to mix it up. Powdered milk never tasted any better when it comes in contact with Mother Nature. Thanks, Milkman.”

“Anytime, K’LOPP-pee”

“K’NAPP-puh!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Refuses To Let Alexa Train With Milkman On The Route!!!!!!!!! She Will Have To Seek Alternate Employment!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t gonna let him make a move on her in the cooler. I didn’t fall off the milk truck yesterday.”

 

Well, we’re dealing with 3 teen guys in a futile piece of disgrace now

That pile of useless metal should compete in a chariot race now

Backseat Boy better store his Cocoa Puffs in place now

This won’t be fun, fun, fun, ’til they tow this clunky T-Bird away

 

Gimme a break, Thorpiverse. You’re worried that Cocoa Puffs is going to file a lawsuit over copyright infringement so you drastically altered the cereal name to FROSTEE PUFFS? Isn’t that the name of a root beer? Boy, if The Mayor mixes A & W and Lucky Charms and swirls that around in a bottle, he’ll have all the nutrients covered, WE THINK. He’ll be bouncing off the wall in the back seat and then that clunker’s going to have a Mexican jumping bean to contend with. If they’re going to practice, the only logical destination for a so-called sports strip, he won’t have trouble getting his uniform dirty, he’ll be rolling all over the field. Don’t EVEN want to tag him when he comes in with a head-first slide in that souped-up engine of his. Naturally, with Thorpiverse and logic, don’t hold your breath but I wouldn’t think Thorpiverse would stoop so low that The Three Stooges would be headed to Milford Drive-In for a matinee presentation of “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Year They Bomb Pearl Harbor and Milford In One Raid”. I’m thinking positive anyway.

Be that as it may, as long as Thorpiverse is over-concerned that Trix is going to take Thorpiverse to the cleaners over legal matters concerning plagiarism, might I offer a few suggestions because, well, it DOES happen. The group Chicago is a great example. Originally dubbed Chicago Transit Authority, the ACTUAL CTA threatened to sue the group if the group went on tour with a stolen name. That’s how the group became Chicago. And everyone was happy.

So let’s use our imagination and explore possibilities on other culinary ideas in a bottle our Mayor can employ when he’s riding with Rufus and Joel in a wagon Betsy SHOULD be tugging

“Hey, Guys, thanks for picking me up. And I brought a nutritious breakfast that’s the envy of the neighborhood. Yup, mix in a cup of Don’s Milk and some Plunky Charmers and I’ll be snagging line drives all practice. The Leprachaun will have to use pine tar on his bat.”

Sure to keep Dean’s Milk reps from going to court. And did you like the Lucky Charms disguise. And I didn’t say WHICH leprachaun. There’s a bunch of ’em out there. The Lucky Charms legal team wouldn’t stand a chance on the witness stand over using a leprechaun at baseball practice. Unless you named him Harold the Leprechaun, don’t even try, Lucky Charms legal team.

Okay, how ’bout another?

“Son, you’re going to be late. The sorry-ass excuse for a Chrysler 300 just pulled up.”

“Just a minute, Mom. I still have to mix Mumford Dairies 2% and some Homey Nut Cheepios. I gotta get replenished so I can give 110% at practice. Go hard or go home, I always say.”

The Milford Dairies Inc. executives don’t have a prayer. And Cheerios crying foul over copyright infringement? Time is on Thorpiverse’s side.

Okay, one more

Coach Thorp cheering on a great catch at the warning track by The Mayor

“Attaway to stay with it, Mayor!!!!!!!!! Great catch!!!!!!!!! What’d you have for breakfast?”

“I just put some Minute Mud O.J. and some Flushee Puffs and some Rice Kruddies in the blender and next thing you know, I could do a reverse slam on my driveway hoop. Snap, Krackle, Pop in my step on my way to the rack.”

“You’re DEFINITELY our left fielder if you’ll put some more Fart Loops in the blender.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

I think I’m safe from Kellogg’s or Minute Maid giving me a call and threatening legal action. And I can use “Coach” indiscriminately. Haven’t we been doing that for 60 years?

 

If ya mix some Pabst Peanut Butter ‘n’ Jelly (PPBJ) , some Buttwiper Lite, some Molar’s Natch’ral Lite and water with yore deer meat so’s ya can git up in the mornin’ refreshed fer bow-huntin’ and still don’t git in trouble with the Game Warden over copyright infringement, ya might be a redneck.

 

Sent forth to spice this plot in Mudlarkland

Bringing truth and sanity in his hand

It’s MILK-MANNNNNNNN

 

At a random stop light in Milford, Milkman and The Drag Racer from Hell side by side

“My goodness, you guys don’t look enthused going to baseball practice. I know Gil can be soporific in his coaching methods when he’s there AT ALL-”

“Oh, it’s not that, Milkman. We pray 5 times a day to Gil’s office. It’s just that it’s bad enough that The Mayor slurps that shit out of his Thermos. It sounds like Focus’s “Round Goes The Gossip” when you play it backward. But when he gets in one of those pissy moods because he has no donuts to go with his Chock Full o’ Nuts and Cinnamon Toast Crotch to slurp out of his coffee mug, it’s murder riding in this Volkswagen wannabe listening to him prate on and on about life and coffee being so unfair.”

“Gentlemen, I used to drink Eight o’ Clock Decaf and Funky Pebbles cereal to the last drop and I still wasn’t happy. I just couldn’t do my paperwork on the route with Folgers hanging over my head. I needed a yin to my yang. Then it hit me. No one dumps Count Chalk-u-la cereal on pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Everyone sprays Cool Whips and Chains on the holiday’s dessert du jour. So I stocked up on Milford Dairies Lo-Cal Creamer and crammed them in my fridge next to the celery stalks. Eight o’ Clock and Funky topped with a taste of Heaven makes punching in the time clock a Stairway to Heaven. Here’s a few samples. I got them out of Gil’s hair when Grecian Formula wasn’t a priority.”

“Gee, thanks, Milkman. K’NAPP-puh won’t wind up in the back seat like Hank Williams did if we’ll set the woods on fire with this Latte Creamer.”

“Latte Creamer on Folgers and General Mills in a Thermos will burn the whole forest down. Make sure you have plenty of matches and a?fire extibguisher.”

“Said and done, Milkman. Thanks again!!!!!!”

“My pleasure. Would you want me to pour some Latte Creamer in your carburetor? Sounds like this Model T could use a tune-up.”

“Anything to keep the points and plugs from missing. Can you pour some on the paint?”

“Sorry, guys, I don’t do chemicals, I do milk. Democracy can only do so much on a car once driven by Dobie Gillis”

 

MILK-MANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“…makes the catch and that ends the inning with no damage to speak of. Whatever The Mayor had for breakfast is working here as he’s drawn a bead on everything hit his way out in left. Extra helpings of Sugar Poops in the bowl will do that. We’ll be back after these messages with the score after 5, Milford, 7, Oakwood, 2. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“The baseball season is right around the corner and I can’t wait to Take Me Out to the Ball Game. And I have Harry Carey to sing to you Mudlark fans about peanuts and Crack of Jacks this year as a bonus. Harry drove a hard bargain and we’ll have to put on extra sales of World’s Finest Chocolate to afford his singing but it was worth it for the kids and the fans.

But there’s one item you’ll never have to go door-to-door to afford. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and you won’t have to stage a raffle to afford Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Our accountants make sure we can run a sausage plant and still charge reasonable prices to our customers.

For example, doesn’t it just gall you that a Kroger or Kohl’s or K-Mart Foods has to go through a modeling agency to peddle the store’s wares? Believe me, someone who hair-sprayed like George Michael displaying Total Cereal makes me furious. No wonder why Total is more expensive than Trix.

But here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, we use our own employees and we have them pose in front of our hogs before we slaughter ’em. We cut costs because we pay our employees time and a half to smile in front of the camera with Porky Pig. Porky’s swan song before he goes up the chute.

And I read an article next to the Milford Downs betting section in the Milford Enquirer that The Bucket is in trouble because General Mills filed a lawsuit over Bucket Cocoa Puffs Shake. When will The Bucket ever learn?

But here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, Italian sausage is Italian sausage. We will never sneak Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage over our label to fry on the griddle and eat with Frumpy Flakes. I couldn’t face Tony the Tigger. Smuggling George Jones Sausage stickers is passe on our Hot ‘n’ Spicy sausage. Be assured, Gil’s Hot ‘n’ Spicy and a bowl of Corn Chicks and a mug of Frosty Root Beer will all be the genuine article. No fake sausage or root beer will ever leave the plant and be loaded by the forklift on the semi.

And these smear campaigns by Tennessee Pride in the Milford Enquirer that say we use fillers in our sausage to bolster the product. Believe me, I will never stuff Gil Thorp Mild in Mimi’s boobs for breast enhancement. We are FDA-compliant and they have yet to ferret out Lucky Charms in our sausage. We go the whole hog, if you’ll pardon the pun.

But don’t take my word for it. Come pick up a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage at your local grocer and let the flavor bust out. Good eatin’ and honest advertising makes for comforting words when Porky Pig is read his Last Rites. The way sausage is made.

Gang, you mean the world to me. But I’m hungry and I ran out of Slushee Puffs and gotta go to the store for a box or two. See ya.

 

Baseball practice is delayed cuz we’re glued in this crate now (we’re glued in this crate, now, we’re glued in this crate)

The way the plot and engine runs, we’ll be droppin’ in doubly late now (droppin’ in bubbly, he’s spilling his drink)

Softball will be sorely expunged through the twists of fate, wow (through the twists of fate, like Mimi’s fate and face)

This won’t be fun, fun, fun ’til they throw this dumb plot away (No fun, fun, fun, write this script away)

 

This won’t be fun, fun, fun…

 

Recreating Bill Cosby when he had a comedy show back in the late ’60’s, early ’70’s (NOT when he was a Huxtable, in other words) , a hilarious episode when he’s advertising for Corn Whispies

“God, I hope you do better than that Cosby character. He spilled Corn Whispies all over his son when he was pouring the product. All right, Thorp, you’re on.”

 

At the Thorp household with the camera rolling

“Daddy, I want some cereal and I ran out of Honeycomb.”

“No problem, Son. Here, have some Corn Whiskies. It’ll help you grow big and strong…”

“Cut.”

 

 

 

7 Comments »

  1. Pretty sure he could snarf a bowl of cereal faster than getting a clean pour into that bottle.

    Comment by Downpuppy, still (@Downpuppy) — April 2, 2020 @ 6:06 am

  2. Knappe can drink fertilizer and floorwax for all I care. I just want to see some baseball.

    Comment by billytheskink — April 2, 2020 @ 7:26 am

  3. Just like how the last story started out promising and then immediately became stupid with all that ‘watson the supercomputer’ bullshit, this story is starting to do the same…

    Comment by franku2016 — April 2, 2020 @ 7:40 am

  4. I like the multiple upholstery patches on Tom’s seat. I don’t know how many dumb bets he’s made but he sure hasn’t come out on the winning side of too many smart ones.

    Comment by timbuys — April 2, 2020 @ 3:40 pm

  5. Hey everyone! T. Drew let slip that this is his two-hundredth blog post. Congrats, T. Drew!

    Comment by timbuys — April 2, 2020 @ 4:48 pm

  6. Beisbol been Frostee, Frostee Puff to him.

    Congrats TDrew!

    Comment by Moon Mullins — April 2, 2020 @ 6:27 pm

  7. Tim, I’m gonna get you, I swear I’m gonna get you(ha ha)

    What can I say, Gang? It has been a hell of a ride for over 2 years and there’s no way I could have made it without y’all’s support. I look at it this way, I may have 200 blogs under my belt but that’s because I have 200 blogs with comments from you readers. You make the show, Gang.
    To me, it would be unfair to single out one person although I WILL say that I couldn’t do it without Tim’s contributions, tips, and input. Whenever I needed something, he got it for me and willingly, I might add. He has put my nerve-racked mind(ha) at ease every time.
    Gang, the better news is that Democracy has been flourishing in the time I’ve been doing this, either on my watch or on the watch of our other TWIMer writers. I read your comments every day and feel great that tyranny takes a hike because every one of you speaks your mind. As much as(like my dad) I love writing comedy, I LOVE reading your comments. You make Free Speech go at full throttle.

    God bless every last one of you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 2, 2020 @ 9:06 pm


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