This Week in Milford

April 21, 2020

Lost Cause And Mixed Plots.

Filed under: ?, Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Milford Idiots, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 8:54 am

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Please

Let this mushy pomp

Shrivel and get stomped

Slink into a sewer hole

I can see the side show

Complete with song and dance

Fade in eternity

Looking through the eyes of ennui

 

Gang, had to John Prine this one more time, given the Ice Castles wannabe we’re about to be subjected to.

And, okay, Thorpiverse, I’ll overlook your sacrificing any action on the diamond by attempting to foist on us a hopeless love story. But do we have to make it sound like The Mayor was trying to rape her in the back of Muench’s Archie Jalopy when he wasn’t sipping on his Cocoa Puffs? Boy, what machismo.

“Here, Phoebe, sniff my breath!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ooooooooo, you got cooties!!!!!!!!! What did you eat for breakfast, Trix and Shake ‘n’ Bake?????”

“Actually, I also threw in Cracker Jack. Hey, I got a prize.”

And we’ve seen Archie make a move on Veronica and more often than not, it was with Veronica’s consent. Fair enough. But do we have to have Jughead in the front seat, chowing down on 11,546 Bucket Burgers? Yeah, anyone who follows Archie knows that Jughead has a promiscuous appetite. But it’s like Jughead on his 489th Big Mac while Hermie and Oskie get out the rubbers and go to town. Not really a proper setting for a McDonald’s McChicken commercial. Not really the proper atmosphere when you have the kiddies in Mc’D’s parking lot talking about how they love Happy Meals while Trix ‘n’ Bake is implementing other ideas in the background in the front seat. Whopper advertisement? I’ve heard of “Have it your way” but that’s carrying things too far. Let’s keep these mixed plots in perspective, boys and girls. John Prine would have wanted it that way.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Pulls Hamstring And Will Be Incapacitated For 3 Weeks After Incident At Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was trying to show off in front of Alexa and perform a triple axel in my ice skates and I slammed into the canoe dock to make it worse.”

 

Now

We must bear this sameness

We can see this shameless

Sordid sack of sad burlesque

Reaching out to grab us

Won’t release its grip

Were that we wouldn’t be found

Looking through another bad trip

 

Geez, I just love it when Babe Ruth calls The Shot in the ’32 Series, then falls in love with the catcher on the Rockford Peaches. Takes “A League of Their Own” to another level. All that hand-holding around Yankee Stadium (“The House That Ruth Fondled The Woman’s Private Parts”) and tonguing each other before George Herman takes BP, I think it’ll fly by Siskel & Ebert.

Really, Phoebe has a career night and like the girl in “Ice Castles”, gets blind-sided by an unforeseen occurrence. But at least the skater overcame and won. How do you win against all odds against a sorry-ass plot? Do we really have to get side-tracked into a Nightmare on Love Story after Mr. October wins the Playdowns?

Well, the consolation prize is Phoebe’s earrings aren’t so chunky. She can move her head.

 

Wink Martindale on Milford Dialing for Dollars

“No, that is incorrect, Gil did not play Obi-Wan Kenobi on ‘Star Wars’.  The correct answer was Alec Guiness. But hey, instead of $10,000,000, how about some chunky bracelets as a consolation prize? Sounds great? Okay, what’s the name? Gonzo Pearl? Is that with 2 Z’s?”

 

If ya fall in love with yore hog that ya was gonna slaughter at the Milford Stockyards becuz it could skate in the Milford Ice Rink after gittin’ ed a bucket full of slop without ever once fallin’ on its derriere, ya might be a redneck.

 

And the exploding shoulder has graced the scene after we witnessed the Attack of the Exploding Butts last week, the sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Yes, when you shoot ’em down, they won’t stay dead. They were in your eyeballs for several years until Gil decided he was old enough for Milk of Magnesia. He spread the wealth evidently to Gonzo last week after doling out some to his wife who proceeded to watch the butt crack implode from Alexa. This must be getting contagious.

“Here, Honey, try some Philips on your Caesars Salad and Corn Whispies. It’s excellent protein. Give the rest to your team. Sometimes you need some movement in your offense.”

“Thanks, Hubby. We need to execute the hit-and-run better. She’s just as good as 3rd base.”

 

Late in the game, Gil calls time to the ump and uses his first trip to the mound to check on Gonzo

“How’s your arm holding out?”

“M-OK”

 

And I sincerely project

That even in this reject

We’ll manage to bail out

Knowing she’s beside herself

She’s not noticing

 

Uh oh. I’m feeling another Benita Butrell surging up in my windpipe.

I have always LOVED the comedy stylings of Keenan Ivory Wayans. Many comedians rely upon emoting to be funny. Not Keenan. The dude is simply plain damn funny.

So as long as we’re getting dragged into a hopeless Milford Heights episode, hey, if you can’t beat ’em, make fun of ’em. Take her away, Benita

“Y’know, I saw Mimi Thorp pat Alexa on the derriere after Alexa scored the game-winning lay-up. Mimi was just trying to send a message that smart offense and defense win championships. Go on, Girl.

Actually, she wasn’t gettin’ enough from Gil cuz Gil wuz doin’ his own foreplay with somebody’s behind and winning and soft tushes felt so good, he done tol’ the whole damn team to bend over after practice. The team thought they were being punished by doin’ a suicide drill. And Mimi made ’em do wind sprints in the field and the slowest got a chunka change seized on their person.

And when Phoebe tol’ ol’ Alexa that she had a hard-on for Flushee Face, Alexa showed she had a hard-on for Phoebe by lightin’ a fire on the woman’s arm. This touchy-feely stuff coulda gone lower but this is a sports strip not Penthouse. They ain’t such a thing as non-contact sport in that magazine but they’s more contact in P2 than on the softball diamond. Alexa’s practicing good touches and taggin’ ’em out simultaneously, the way I reckon it.

But I ain’t one to gossip so ya ain’t heard that from me.”

 

Please

Please let the twaddle singe

It’s forcing us to cringe

And we want to forget this flop

Don’t desire to touch it

It feels like laundry lint

Just close the lid

Looking through this rinse cycle plot

 

Hoo boy. Now we’re approaching what I believe will be the meat of the issue, no pun intended. We would have no clue how Milford is doing in baseball and softball, the season has been pre-empted by Gidget Loves Mr. Flushee. We are left at the mercy of the captions, such as the one in the upper left in P3. When we have to take their word for it, it’s going to be a long season. Trust is an essential ingredient if you wish to remain a reader of Thorpiverse. I am a Western buff and I read a lot of “We Were There” series, such as “We Were There…On The Santa Fe Trail” or “We Were There…At Fort Fetterman” or “We Were There…At Sutter’s Mine”. A recent addition was just released “We Were There…At The Mudlark Batting Cages”. Sure to be a good read.

 

Wink Martindale on Jeopardy!

“This thing actually exploded when Gil tried to pat it on the fanny after it was part of a triple play.”

BUZZZZZZZZZ

“Yes, Merle?”

“What is TNT?”

“By God, you are correct. You now have $13,569,371 bringing your 3-day total to $474,629,012. Boy, you could buy a bunch of chunky bracelets with that paycheck. How ’bout we go 50-50? No? Just kidding, Merle. You be sure you get your great aunt out of that nursing home and to Mudlark Lakes Senior Affordable Shelter like you promised her. All right, My Man, still your turn.”

“Bad Plots for $1000.”

 

Oh please, if this is where I’m thinking it’s going, Heaven help us. That’s right, we couldn’t be content with The Mayor grossing us out with his Sugar Pops/Steakburger combo, complete with Lawry’s Salt. Thorpiverse now has to switch gears and go George Jones on us. Sure, I liked his music and The Rolling Stones were big fans of his.

But this “I’m glad you introduced me/And I hope you’ll understand/I’ll be faithful to this bottle in my hand” twist that seems to be looming on the horizon is just ruining the curve on competence of this plot. And is Phoebe going to be Tammy Wynette? Stand by The Mayor? Whoops, I better close Pandora’s Box.

Rice Krispies and Jack Daniels Straight. Sheesh, no wonder why he’s been standing askance on 2nd base.

 

“And that was Phoebe Keener and Tammy Wynette with ‘Stand By Your Man’. We’ll be back with more Milford Kickin’ Country Classics after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio.”

 

“Wasn’t that a wonderful duet? Mimi sings that in the shower all the time. She alternates between that and ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’.

And the hits ain’t gonna stop, I’ll guara-damn-tee it, if Milford Beverage Warehouse has anything to do with it. Hi, this is Coach Thorp leading the Hit Parade.

Right now, until the COVID-19 scare is a thing of the past, The Warehouse has a great deal to get you out of the house and still maintain social distancing. Lord knows I don’t want any germs on my Jose Cuervo.

Between now and the end of May, for every $50 purchase of any of your favorite liquors in any combinations, The Warehouse will give away a hand-engraved autograph of Wink Martindale on chunky bracelets fresh from the mines of South Africa. Ummmm, ummmm. I can not only quench my thirst with a Heineken, I now have Christmas shopping for Mimi all wrapped up, literally in this case.

How about 2 18-Packs of Coors Lite at $14.99 apiece and a 750 ml bottle of Knob Creek Whiskey thrown in? C’mon, gentlemen, you have daughters. And you can always explain how sexy Wink was when he was hosting “The Price is Right” when Bob Barker was on vacation.

And with Mother’s Day around the corner, chunky bracelets are just the thing to give your grandmother. She can join the rest of the mall walkers and talk about how Wink never needed make-up, his sex appeal could be seen from the New York islands to the redwood forest. For $16.97 a bottle, buy 4 Meiomi Pinot Noir at 750 ml and Wink Martindale and amber waves of grain are practically synonymous.

Going to get married? Gotcha covered. Buy 2 24-Packs of Michelob Ultra at $23.99 a case and The Warehouse will throw in a can of Milford Vending Beer Nuts to send you over the top. Sometines the state tax can only stretch so far so naturally The Warehouse is there to CYA. Hey, I would have wanted Wink Martindale to be there in spirit and give Mimi an autographed chunky bracelet when I couldn’t find the ring at our wedding.

Folks, it just don’t get no better than this. Come down to Milford Beverage Warehouse and do your own permutations. Price you pay if you want the finer things in life in tandem with The Good Life. Come get your booze, chunky bracelet,and a date with Wink all in paper or plastic, here at The Warehouse, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Gang, I promise, I’m not off the wagon. I swore off Flushee Puffs and now eat Cheerios. Out of a bowl.

 

“…and then they’s that talkative fool, Marty Moon. He and Peaches went on a 3-day All-Expense-Paid trip done financed by WDIG itself. That first night in bed, Lawdy, WDIG shoulda asked for its money back. Peaches was lookin’ for love, but Girl, Marty had to look under the bed to see if he dropped it. They had to report his sex life to the Mudlark Lake Office Lost and Found. Bump and grind became peck and poke. You do dat on a typewriter, not with your sexual behavior.

But I ain’t one to gossip, so you didn’t hear it from me.”

 

In Gil’s office one fine morning

“They found it under the Gideon’s Bible? No, Benita, I didn’t know that.”

8 Comments »

  1. P4: “….that I’m like the biggest tool-bag EVV-ERRR…”

    Comment by franku2016 — April 21, 2020 @ 9:03 am

  2. “… that’s just who he is”. You could say the same thing about Josef Stalin.

    Comment by Philip — April 21, 2020 @ 10:30 am

  3. P4: or….”…it sure is hard eating Frosty Puffs out of a water bottle…maybe you guys are right…”

    Comment by franku2016 — April 21, 2020 @ 8:44 pm

  4. That shredding noise you heard between panels two and three was the Bechdel Test being torn to shreds and tossed out Muench’s car window.

    Today’s post directly.

    Comment by teenchy — April 22, 2020 @ 4:45 am

  5. Frank, as always, thank you for your contributions. They are a refreshing sight around here. Your hard-hitting comments puts this hopeless plot on the run.

    Philip, LMAO at your observation which sadly enough is true. You always capture the essence of the conversation, My Friend.

    Teenchy, unfortunately you’re right. Thorpiverse in many ways is still stuck at the Salem Witch Trials and your keen observation only drives home that point.

    Gang, Democracy and Free Speech lived another day, thanks to you. God bless you.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 23, 2020 @ 7:54 am

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  7. […] visually distinctive under the earflaps – it must be Phoebe, the only Milford girl who showed an inkling of interest in The Mayor and who, as the recipient of The Mayor’s attention, was an unwitting […]

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