This Week in Milford

April 28, 2020

Green Eggs And Ham Got A Smackdown Tonight.

042820

Well, take a look at that girl who loathes the boy’s green eggs and ham

He must be a wandering fool

He doesn’t see, his food isn’t cool

All the girls hold their noses and let him walk on by

 

She wants to be somebody else

She’d rather be somebody else

She’d just as soon kiss somebody else

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s only choice

Eats his Trix so moist

Yeahhhhh, he’s probably somebody’s last resort

 

As a couple of readers have acutely noticed, why the guys are in full uniform is anybody’s guess but why The Mayor probably has green eggs and ham in his gym bag is one $64,000 question that REALLY isn’t worth answering. What’s the consolation prize if I don’t answer it and not obtain my $64,000 cashier’s check? MORE green eggs and ham????

And did you notice that the relationship between The Mayor and Phoebe has suddenly went south? Get a clue, Mayor. Believe me, I have a sister and the phone used to ring off the wall at my house when we were teenagers for dates with her. If some guy was at a movie with her and was eating small curd cottage cheese and Honey Nut Cheerios and he washed it down with Movie Time Buttered from Goat’s Milk popcorn, that’d be the last time my sister dated that gentleman. And I’d be hearing it ALL NIGHT LONG how she got grossed out by his culinary diversions.

So yeah, Mayor, you might want to alter the scenery and get REAL food out of your Lazy Susan at home or in the cafeteria line. Don’t be mixing Nestle’s Quik and Brussel sprouts in your chem lab in your basement then trying to make a move on Phoebe. Scope Mouth Wash isn’t going to cover a multitude of digestive sins.

 

Because I am really not sure, after looking at a graph on how many times a word like, for example, “prevaricate” or “soupcon” was mentioned in 1820 or 1847 or 1901 or 1975, how they could measure something such as word usage at, say, The Bucket or The Golden Gate Bridge or the ferry carrying tourists to the Statue of Liberty

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Has Been Declared Missing By The Milford Civil Defense Commission, Finally Found At The Archives Department Of The Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Me and Cochran were amazed. They used ‘velocitous’ that many times in 1876 at the Grand Canyon????”

 

And Mayor, get with it. Your cuisine is crock to other people. Phoebe is making it painfully obvious that your green eggs and lox is putting the damper on what could be a great relationship. I’d tell you to wake up and smell the coffee but it looks like you’ve already done that, straight out of the Folger’s can. Boy, that’ll get a date with Phoebe at the prom, fer sure.

Couldn’t you see the police report?

“I caught him free-basing Maxwell House behind the alley. He’s a sure trip to the Milford Rehab Center if the judge has anything to do with it.”

And it’s nice that Thorpiverse printed the score this morning. But a picture of a player bunting, another taking a bad cut at the plate, the baseball team looking stupid behind the chain link fence and The Mayor foisting his Green Eggs and Lucky Charms Protein Mix are really not the same as what you do on the field. There’ll be no Lucky Charms between the lines, Thorpiverse. Remember that.

 

I saw him gorging on his Wheaties that was pan-fried in P B & J

He must be eating on edge

Topped off with a potato wedge

And when the Pop Tarts and the pasta and the pork chops light up his butt

 

She’d rather eat in some other room

She’d rather skip his fart-thumping booms

She’d rather kiss a mossy-draped tomb

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s burned-out light

Flicker out tonight

Yeaaahhhhh

He’s probably somebody’s doggie bag

 

I try to shut my eyes but I can’t shake S’mores out of my mind

I beg this to be over and leave his Alpo far behind

I’m gonna walk up to him and overlook his diet pork rinds

 

And are we at The Mayor’s HOUSE or at one of the faculty lounges at Milford High School? Nobody can design a house so that it doesn’t remind me of a pot-luck supper at Milford Interdenominational?

Boy, do we have a whole wheelbarrow full of paraphernalia that we could cart to the back door of the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Crow and Tom Servo would be livin’ large.

To be honest, I was kinda glad to see Gazoo drop in and park his vehicle so it wouldn’t interfere with dinner. Great call, Gazoo. Gotta park it so we have a place for the bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy. We dont want to put the yams on the high chair now, do we? And I understand the spacecraft doubles as a flower pot. Flying around Deneb and Lyra and a receptacle for impatiens, your ship is very busy in the Spring, Gazoo.

Then WHAT is that thing with the M on it? A portable heater from Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning???? Does he drag that damn thing around the house with his Wheaties? I’m sure he leaves it out in the hallway when he has to go to the bathroom. DO NOT haul that to the back seat of Muench’s bag of bolts.

Remember that commercial for Hanes Underwear when the young women were taught by Melba in this indoctrinating room that the boxers aren’t Hanes until ol’ Melba says they’re Hanes?

Well,

“Gil, what are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? The dumbasses at Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning forgot to laser tag the air conditioner again and I’m not turning it on to “fan” until the “M” is on the grill.”

“Gil, as long as you can cool off in your recliner smoking your cigar and drinking your Moet and Chandon while listening to Duke Jordan’s “Flight to Denmark”, what’s the fuss?”

“Woman, you don’t know jackshit about quality. Did Custer go into battle with an hammer and sickle decorated on his flag? Rest my case.”

 

Special headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid At Thorp Residence Nets Interesting Find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cars out in front were part of a party that was intent on inquiring about the multiple usage of the word “perspicacity” at Tombstone in the 1880’s. Clanton Brothers were disallowed.”

 

And WHAT is the cookie jar doing at the top of the cupboard? Does The Mayor truly need a stepladder to get Chips Ahoy? What other reason could there be for this particular Mysterious Object to be positioned in the Mystery Location? I guess we can’t have Grandma Mayor come over and munch on Oreos while the roast is in the oven. It’ll spoil her dinner. I don’t know why it’s OK for The Mayor to sip on egg nog and celery but I reckon we have to have protocol somewhere. Nobody would ever eat the roast. The oven would then be one more place for Gazoo to park his contraption.

Well, those look like apples anyway. Granny Smith or Golden Delicious, I can’t remember which. I don’t THINK Thorpiverse would try to sneak Red Delicious plums on us and stack ’em in the bowl.

 

At the Thorp household one fine afternoon

“Gil, what is a Martian doing in our oven? Goes by the name Yahoo, I thought I heard him say. I was going to bake rhubarb pie.”

“Mimi, I told you that you should have sprayed down the oven with Pam.”

 

And in P3, Phoebe keeps throwing them and The Mayor keeps eating them. Is The Mayor eating a record album? Don’t get me wrong, Focus, essentially the Led Zeppelin from Holland, has always put out killer music with Jan Akkerman being the Jimmy Page of the group but ain’t no way I’m putting “Moving Waves” on the griddle. Ever heard of a phonograph, Mayor? No, you don’t set the oven dial on 33 & 1/3. I give the readership permission to shoot me if I ever grill The Rolling Stones’ “Exile on Main Street” on the Smokemaster, let alone thicken it with Kraft Barbecue Sauce. Mayor, as the album commands, you better scrape that shit right off your shoes. And your Thermos and album sleeve. Phoebe is pretty much saying the same thing but she’s a Christian and has to watch her language to stay under the radar of the sensors.

 

I got some inspiration. I read an article that said that Erectile Dysfunction is caused by the wrong side of the brain controlling our impulses. So THAT’S why my sexual life has never been like “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. I kept reading

 

 

“We’ll be back to see how Rachel Ray basted that Turkey Flambe Swimming in Nutrament Bars after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household once again, after a dinner of fried quiche, cheese, and wine, with Nutrament Vanilla Bars for dessert with Gazoo as the honored guest

“I thought Gazoo would NEVER leave. Who wants to hear dirt about Fred Flintstone actually using X-Lax? Wilma can’t be that bad of a cook-”

“Mommy, why does Daddy have all these wires on his head?”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s watching Gunsmoke and he’s trying to shock himself. He says he wants to be as hard as Matt Dillon.”

In the living room, Gil’s head looking like a switchboard

“Gil, why are there Christmas tree lights on your head?”

“Dillon, don’t let Miss Kitty say you’re as limp as the pony in your barn!!!!!! Stand up and be counted!!!!!!!!! Oh, hey, Mimi, I went to Milford True Value and got some wires, lights, and a small fuse box. One flick of the switch and I shock the left side of my brain into action. That controls your sexual prowess. Man, I get harder than the saloon doors. It works better than Doc’s cough syrup.”

“Mommy, if I took Robitussin, would I get erect?”

“No, Jaime, of course not. Gil, you’re embarrassing me. Take those wires off and I will show you a better way.”

“When Matt Dillon is being tested by Wyatt Earp about his manhood? If I had to drop my pants and have nothing to show for it at Tombstone, I’d deserve to get my ass blown off by the Clanton Boys too. This wiring connection keeps me connected and ensures proper blood flow. I can set my wine glass on it while taking a drag from one of Stone’s cigars. Amazing what technology can do.”

“Mommy, does that mean I can get hot flashes from Flintstones chewables and the batteries in my Barbie car?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Keri!!!!! Daddy is just a little misled. The plot has gotten to him. Gil, with the power of Alka-Setzer, you can plop plop fizz fizz your limp garden hose and make it spray all over the yard with these EREC-3000 Medications.”

“Mommy, is that like turning on the hose-”

“Tune in to Part 2 next week, ‘Matt’s Masculinity on the run at The Santa Fe Trail’ on most of these stations.”

“I have to wait another week to see if Dillon can overcome his ED and wipe out the Dalton gang? I paid $20 for this switchbox and all I got was same Bat channel and an itchy jock strap.”

 

“Gil finally listened to me. He took those EREC-3000’s and threw the wires in the trash. And Gazoo finally got back to his home in the Milky Way so there’ll be no more surprises when I light the gas stove. What’s even better is that Gil and I are having the time of our lives. Nice to get those Good Vibrations without having to buy light bulbs. Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and get your own vibrations. With proven plans and treatments, isn’t it time YOU shake ‘n’ bake? Gil certainly doesn’t have to pan-fry anymore.

 

Gang, thank you for your input. Let me get those Oreos off the roof and show you my appreciation. BTW, I think the M Mystery Object is The Mayor’s oxygen tank. I guess I’d need it too if I ran short of breath from Twinkies and Ultra Slim Fast Melange.

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gonzo Pearl Is Found In Abandoned Coal Mine Shaft After Being Missing For 2 Weeks!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I may need welder’s glasses for 2 months but I DID find out how many times ‘phantasmagorical’ was used from the caveman art on the wall.”

 

 

In Gil’s office where Coach Thorp is poring over the scouting reports for his next opponent

“Moving waves, the wind has left you and you are still in commotion

We are still repeating the word it has taught us, it moves our whole being to ecstasy

Waves, why do you all become excited and then all calm together…”

BBBUUUUURRRRRPPPPPP

BELCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Gil, that’s the 7th Focus album you’ve consumed. And your doctor warned you to watch the sodium.”

“I know, Kaz. Gotta stop the binge-eating.”

 

I’d hate to have to see Kaz do the Heimlich Maneuver on Gil when “Round Goes The Gossip” is caught in his throat.

 

Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

 

 

 

6 Comments »

  1. Looks like another dingbat Milford mom that her son can run roughshod over. How bout demanding he come back to answer your question? He’s riding the bus? Ok. Where’s pops? At the mysterious office? Oh.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 28, 2020 @ 8:32 am

  2. I saw the big “M” on his backpack, and at first I thought that it was “Milford” backpack that the baseball members have, but then I realized that I was bein’ silly…the “M” is for “Mayor” of course, the narcissistic asshole who loves to embellish his idiotic breakfasts to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be within earshot of him…and you are correct sir, about how young women quickly lose interest in their dates when they exhibit poor table manners and/or food choices. I recently heard a ‘2nd date update’ radio bit that they play here in Chicago and the girl that was ghosting her date’s attempts to contact her admitted that she was not impressed with his excitement about a meal he had received at Denny’s (the place he took her for their date) and that his table manners were on par with a zoo monkey, as he licked the gravy off of his plate….somethin’ I could see ‘the mayor’ doing at some point this season and his innocent explanation of “…I hate to waste all this yummy, nutritious sauce and gravy…”

    Comment by franku2016 — April 28, 2020 @ 8:52 am

  3. Jive Turkey and FrankU, You keep me laughing. Your hilarious and acerbic, cut-to-the-bone humor always has a place in my neighborhood. Bring it on anytime.
    JT, I just love your incisive comments that are always refreshing. You always seem to know what to say and when to say it. Sounds like comedy to me.
    Frank, keep that accurate, funny, hard-hat approach coming. I love your posts and always look forward to what you have to say. Gil doesn’t stand a chance with you.
    AmerBekic, you have been a VERY loyal supporter and it’s people like you that keep me going. I can only pass it along BUT I WILL. Your kind acknowledgement means a lot to me.

    And Democracy won another day thanks to your contributions. You make Free Speech a reality, y’all. Now let’s help Teenchy tomorrow and pour more of that slop that The Mayor drinks on this plot.

    God bless you all.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 28, 2020 @ 9:44 pm

  4. tdrew….keep your posts comin’…it’s always one of the high points of my day knowing that there are others out there pokin’ holes in Gil and Milford

    Comment by franku2016 — April 29, 2020 @ 7:19 am

  5. and instead of saying “…I’ll bite…” she should have said “…ewwww!….I DO NOT wanna’ know where you’re goin’ with that…OMG!….gross….”

    Comment by franku2016 — April 29, 2020 @ 7:23 am

  6. […] left in the spring arc. There’s still baseball left to play. Softball, too. Remember, it was Lady Mudlark success that led The Mayor to a life of crime. Come on, Rubin! Less Mary Worth, more Jayson Werth, […]

    Pingback by “Pardon My Funk” Is… | This Week in Milford — May 20, 2020 @ 7:29 am


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