This Week in Milford

May 14, 2020

Kids Flash Guitars Just Like #2 Pencils.

051420

Gang, you’re gonna hate me but I had to insert another Springsteen dig, given the situation. Really, if that dude in P1 is threatening me with a welder’s pencil the way he would advertise Ban Roll-On Unscented or the present writing weapon on the screen, ain’t no way I’m not giving him all my lunch money. Just leave some change so I can purchase a Ho Ho. Energy food for afternoon Physics Lab.

Teenchy brought up yesterday breaking the Fourth Estate. If that Che Guevara wannabe isn’t looking through me as if I wasn’t there, he must be targeting some CIA agent out of the movie Topaz. Hitchcock comes to Milford, what a treat. Does Gil play one of the spies from the Commie side lying his way out of a paper bag? Par for the course. But do that for the OTHER side, Thorp, not while you’re flashing that MTV logo on your shirt like switchblades. And to think, The Mayor could get exonerated if that CIA agent can get on Cuban Airlines and wind up at Milford International with those photos he took of Bahia de los Cochinos or Bay of Pigs, if you need it translated in Gilspeak.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Scares Off Burglar At His Condo With His Guitar He Received At Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That punk took one look at my Barney Kessel Signature Gibson Special and he ran off towards the woods.”

 

Uh oh, looks like Thorpiverse is fomenting a rebellion in the hallways of Milford High School. Anytime you have Jiffy Pop Head’s brother and the ’70’s Burger King kid blindly devoted to a kid who threatens anybody who dares cross his path to the foreign language lab and brandishes the Papermate to show that he means business, you know La Revolucion del Mundo is just a Dr. Pearl perm away from going full bore. Can’t wait for the sequel.

 

If ya use a Flair Highlighter Yella ta poke out an 8-point’s eyeball during bow season, then use the same implement ta wipe yore butt in the gulley so that ya keep it proper, ya might be a redneck.

 

You old-timers can relate. It was that kid who said everything twice to apparently drive home the point that Whoppers were better than Big Mac’s. So the kid would say

“Double the meat

Double the meat”

 

“Great to eat

Great to eat”

 

“Zebras do better in bed than Gil

Zebras do better in bed than Gil”

 

As Bugs Bunny used to say, this means war. Boy o boy, The 4-Eyed Doppelganger Kid,  a kid whose related to Orville Redenbacher through his hairline, Elmer Fudd (gotta have the shotgun to hunt wabbits, Dr. Pearl, and the District Board, the latter two a little more difficult to hunt because neither live in wabbit holes) , Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, the Jets and the Sharks (“We’re gonna get her toniiiiiggghhhhhhtttttt”) , Sylvester and Tweety Bird and The Man Who Loved Pencil Dancing all engaged, ready for war. As Patton said once “God,  I love a battle”.

 

“But you play a shitty schedule

But you play a shitty schedule”

 

“Gil, how long are you going to be involved with Milford Big Brothers Program?”

 

And one more thing. Is that a map of Antarctica in the background? Boy, this strip is full of imagination in terms of background material. Nothing is more comforting than to watch General George Patton and General Omar Bradley map out strategy on how to overtake Messina when you already have Antarctica in the bag.

 

So let’s revamp Patton’s pep talk at the beginning of the movie and see if we can get a little inspiration

“…and another thing, if we’re going to attack the enemy, I don’t want any asshole dying for his or her high school. Let that ignorant whore and her District Board die for their own high school. We are Mudlarks and we will engage in battle, ready to kill. We will not be like Gil who sided with the Germans and started their own high school because he wouldn’t do any coaching. Personally, I’d piss on his shuffleboard in the gym because he was involved in a tournament with the Third Reich. Let me tell you, I never admired a Mudlark who lost and laughed. Gil can do that at the Dart Round Robin in Munich with those Austrian Fascists at some tavern around Oktoberfest. We are Americans. We are Mudlarks. Anything else and you can have your curlers done and sit with Dr. Pearl while that Commie bastard turns on her country and has her nails done. We will give the Germans and the District Board a lesson they will never forget. Their flag will burn for all eternity and Gil will coach in Milford Optimist League where his mental stature is better suited. That is all.”

 

And the conflict is beginning to heat up. Marcia, Jan, and Cindy have gotten in on the act and anything involving The Brady Bunch and you better have the right stuff. I don’t really know how they’re going to organize the walkout but when they threatened that stuff on the show, we never saw it either. We just assumed Marcia was telling the truth when she said that Dr. Pearl backed down after Marcia called her a miserable flippant bitch and would have to face Hadley V. if Dr. Pearl continued her pursuit on the matter. I always loved it when Greg Brady was playing, say, baseball and they would show a few scenes then later Greg and family would enter the kitchen and talk about his game like it was the Yankees winning it all in ’56. So when you see a few esoteric scenes of Hadley V. and the District Board throwing grenades at each other, just let your mind run wild when Jan, Marcia, Cindy speaking of the affair like it was The Battle of the Bulge. Sure, Jan, Eisenhower sent his whole damn ETO operation into the District Board meeting to reinstate The Mayor. There were tanks all around the building. The Germans and Dr. Pearl never stood a chance. Oh, and you kissed Ike on the head on V-Day, Marcia. Darn, it’s a crying shame The Brady Bunch was only a half hour long. I would have loved for you to expand on this love shack.

And how do you organize a protest like this? If Jan, Marcia, and Cindy sit on the railroad tracks of the Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d say we’re carrying the issue a bit to the extreme. Block the way to the barber shop where Gil cuts his hair? Well, it’s for a good cause anyway.

 

At the Milford High School cafeteria at 6:15AM

 

“Cafeteria’s closed. Don’t let anyone in after 6:00AM. We’ll have them fighting like students. Dr. Pearl won’t know what hit her.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh, and by the way, helmets are mandatory from now on.”

“We don’t wear helmets, General.”

“Start.”

“It’s hard to wear over our hair nets.”

“Then cut two holes and use hair sanitizer. C’mon, Bradley, let’s see what those ignorant German bastards did in the art department.”

 

“He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match

He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match”

“Now, Son, be nice. That’s not how we treat our guest. Offer him some Zippo Lighter Fluid and open the conversation.”

 

Will somebody in the Milford High School Art class quit drawing disgusted students with the system displaying disfigured faces? Yes, we know The Mayor is pretty friggin’ disillusioned with the system right now but it isn’t necessary to draw the dude straight out of Mask. Does this mean the more injustice that gets heaped on him, the uglier he gets? If this District Policy is allowed to drag along, we could have his face in Towering Inferno mode with his jaw several feet below Death Valley. A frown and a few surly comments will drive home the message.

And I love it that Mrs. Krappy mentioned the lawyer is a “she”. Uh oh. Hadley V. could be coming back now that JaQuan is on hiatus. Well, sure, Hadley V. calling Dr. Pearl Granny Clampett who soaks her dentures in chicken gizzards is better than Hadley V. with her spectacles up her butt with nothing to do. God, I’d hate to replace a draggy plotline with another of equal caliber but this Rent-a-Lawyer-for-Random-Plot may prove tiresome. I don’t want nobody pulling the switch on The Mayor when he’s in the chair either but Thorpiverse’s imagination appears to be confined to Baxendale’s air-conditioned office. Oh, I forgot, air-conditioning isn’t District Policy. We have a plot. Problem solved.

 

“…get these players out on the field. We won’t have the City of Milford subsidizing yellow-bellied cowards and-Soldier, what’s your problem?”

“Nerves, sir. I just can’t take it anymore. When I see The Mayor in a world of hurt, I just lose it…”

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO WUSS OUT IN FRONT OF THE DISTRICT BOARD AT THIS MOST CRITICAL TIME???? I OUGHTA SEND YOU TO THE FIRING LINE AND HAVE ROMMEL SHOOT YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! GENERAL BRADLEY, WHAT’S THIS SOLDIER’S NAME????

“Private First Class Gilberto Thorp, George.”

 

“And we’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of Patton where Gil jumps over to General Montgomery’s command after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Honnnnnnneeyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyy. It’s time to come to beddyyyyyyyyy-bbbyyyyyy.”

Coach Shaw playing “Todd Rundgren’s Utopia” while the den is dead-bolted

“I can’t, Honey. The Mayor of Milford has issued a limited-contact order and to be wearing a mask at all times to practice social distance during the COVID-19 pandemic.”

“Lovey-Dovey, you just got a clean bill of health from the doctor this week.”

“Bloopy-doopy-doo, I won’t screw, you can never be too careful. My whim whim has a mask around it to ward off against the virus. One cell in my pecker and I’ll be down with The Plague.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, open the door, use a switchblade on your peenie covering and come on down and do what ya gotta do. You won’t get sick from being a man.”

“Sugar, Sugar, ahhh, Honey, Honey, the angel of the Lord just declared my pecker wasn’t worth a thing, the galaxy is null and void and so is sex.”

“Lovey-Dovey, that’s not ‘Utopia’, that’s Rundgren’s ‘Hermit of Mink Hollow’. And you’re going to be a hermit if you don’t pry open this deadbolt and get it on in the morning.”

 

When she knew Todd Rundgren’s discography better than me, it was time to take a chance that I wasn’t going to get hit with Venereal Disaese or COVID-19 and come down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven treatment programs and proper medications, the Clinic won’t leave you sore. Isn’t it time you said ‘Hello, It’s Me’ to your wife and really mean it? Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and ‘See the Light.'”

 

Thanks for all you do, Gang. Now if you’ll clean that ash tray that contains part of The Mayor’s face, we’ll call it even.

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day talking to General Patton after she just filed away The Allies Attack On Napoli Report-1944

“George, I see you have a copy of the Milford High School Student Manual-1995.”

“That’s right. I was Gil Thorp in another life and we beat Hannibal at the Rubicon and Oakwood at the gym. But I reincarnated and became a real leader.”

“Do you read the manual often?”

“Every goddam day.”

 

 

“Thank God this plot has ended

Thank God this plot has ended”

 

“Jaime, eat your Bucket Burger. There are starving kids in China that would love to go through the drive-thru.”

6 Comments »

  1. I noticed that the lawyer is a “she”…. does this mean HvB is comin back to once again, show Pearl and this time the entire district, not just MHS school board, who’s boss around here?

    Comment by franku2016 — May 14, 2020 @ 10:17 am

  2. Franku, the same question occurred to me, thus I have joined the herd of truth seekers rushing to check their phones. I also thought that the Knappes probably asked around with the question “Who’s really good at suing the school board?” and learned of Hadley v Baxendale pantsing Chet the Board Member in the celebrated Tiki Jansen case.

    Comment by vaganova — May 14, 2020 @ 12:05 pm

  3. A walkout?? Seriously?

    I refuse to believe the majority of students even know who Knappe is, much less actually give a shit.

    And whatever happened to the old treacherous, backstabby Mudlarks baseball team I used to know? In past years their reaction would have been:

    1. “Dumbass should have just blended the peanut butter into a smoothie the way he does everything else”
    2. “Moron had it coming”
    3. “I told that idiot to stop turning his locker into a food pantry”
    4. “So who gets his spot in the starting lineup?” (followed by two weeks of infighting, politics and treachery while Gilberto and Kazuo do nothing)

    Comment by Hitorque — May 14, 2020 @ 1:54 pm

  4. Agree with hitorque….most kids wouldn’t know who this boob is, and those that do, think he’s kind of a dick anyway…

    Comment by franku2016 — May 15, 2020 @ 9:07 am

  5. P1: is that a man or a woman?

    Comment by franku2016 — May 15, 2020 @ 8:35 pm

  6. Franku, excellent observation on Hadley V. Looks like they won’t shut the tailgate on THIS one. Oh my.
    Vaganova, you also come through, as always, with your keen observations. I liked what you said today(5-20-20). You have been chipping away at the core of this farce and exposing it as another excuse for Fil to hit the links early. You da Man.
    Hitorque, please keep coming with your hard-hitting points. I like how you rhetorically tear into the premise and argument limb from limb. Well-argued case today. Definitely contributed to the discussiin.

    God bless you all. You mean so much to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 20, 2020 @ 9:26 pm


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